Been a long time

I haven't written on this in a while since I now have a facebook page. Being that I can link this to that page, I've decided to go ahead and write something.

Today, I find myself suffering the effects of misplaced anger, disappointment and rejection - and I think it's all because of my inability to control my hormones at this time. I don't think I've done any irrepairable damage but I am a bit resentful of the fact that I cannot control my anger more often recently than in the past.

It could have something to do with the stress that I'm under; stress that I've tried not to burden on my friends. On one hand, I am really enjoying my life and the group of friends that I have and the time I get to spend with people (I'd like to spend more time with certain people but our schedules have not worked out). On the other hand, I am getting so pressured in other areas that I'm trying to push aside that I think I'm becoming unable to push to the side anymore. Because of this, it's invading the parts of my life that are good and making them less so.

I can pinpoint a few reasons very clearly. I wish that I didn't have to still deal with these things but it is clear that my person has to have closure in things. When I don't get that it takes me much longer to sift through. The last time I wrote on this blog, I had a certain individual in my life. Today finds me with a bit of left over anger and resentment with large amounts of relief, sadness and betrayal towards this person.

She has run away - again - and not had the decency to talk about her behavioral response to my reaction on a night that was so manipulated before you left. Then she has the gall to talk to a friend of mine as if nothing happened. Of course, she did tell me once that she wished she had become friends with this person instead of me - that I came through the back door (when, in actuality, it was me that she kept calling all the time, not the other way around, so how does that make sense?) In short, one of the reasons why I've had a bad week is that I found out that this former friend has run away to another state to people she had told me flat out were screwed up and she shouldn't be living with or close friends with (I wonder if they know how badly she talked about them - I'm very sure they think I'm this evil person by her accounts). Ok, so that makes it lie number too-many-to-count that she's told me in confidence - a word I learned the hard way that she does not know the meaning of and she's almost 32 years old! But the fact of the matter is that I did deal with things in the right way...and I still have all my friends but her to thank for it.

Another pressure is this whole not being married thing. I'm am being bombarded at all sides with this: a few friends who are pushing me towards men I've gotten to know and that I'm not attracted to, my parents and everyone in my life that is happily in a relationship. I know that they may mean well but enough already! I just don't want to be forced so much of the time. Do I wish I could be happy and in a relationship! Desperately, YES! But it hasn't happened and there is no one in my life currently that I feel that way about.

The pressure that is related to the above is that I have a guy friend who is confiding in me about his relationship. He is not sure he wants to be in it anymore; and then he has to add that he has more fun with me than with her. This is not good because shortly after he talked to me about being attracted to me and I told him I wasn't interested, he started dating this other woman. I can't know now that he wasn't still thinking of me while with her. I really like this woman and she is a dear friend. I do not want to see her hurt; but I don't want my friend in a relationship that makes him unhappy. Still, it puts me in an awkward position since I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that he's been talking to me a bit about it. I don't want to be in this position; and I told him that though we're good friends, I didn't think we should be talking about it.

So now I'm not so sure he's very happy with me.

There are other pressures but not ones I'm comfortable revealing here (so you know that they are really super personal). I just hate that I sort of took it out on two of the best people I know. I wish there was a way that I could snap my fingers and make yesterday just go away.

I'm just not happy with myself or my behavior. The only thing I can do today is hope that the apologies I left on their voicemails are acceptable and that I treat people, especially the people I love, better today - regardless of my monthly hormonal changes.