A year of firsts

I've been reflecting a lot lately. It's been mostly about my friendships and the people that have been around me this year. All of that has led to an internal focus on who I am as a person, who I am becoming and why for both of those.

It has been sort of a rough year...exciting but painful at times. There has definitely been good with the bad...or bad with the good...depending on which way you look at it.

To begin with, my year started on November 1, 2007, not January 1, 2008. Why? Because it was the one year anniversary of a day that my life totally changed on the inside...and a bit on the outside. It was an experience that no matter how you look at it, changed me. I woke up to a lot of things in my life...to questioning my motivations along with everyone else's. As I ended fixing some of what was broken in my life, I decided to start anew on that same date, one year later.

I'm 16 days away from the end of this new year (for me). As I reflect on all that has happened, I'm overwhelmed at how much a year has held for me and those around me. Six months ago from last Friday, I couldn't been dead to this world...literally. It was a very traumatic experience...one that I've grown from but also one that sticks to me in the bad ways, too. I am still having visions; not of the particular accident but of crashing in general...and at times that are very unexpected. It is something that may need to be given more importance than I've given it so far...maybe even to counseling sessions.

And yet my accident has brought about some good changes in my life. Though I started dating before the accident (right after my new year started in November), I didn't really put myself out there until right after...and I met my first boyfriend. Though it didn't last, I would never had taken that first step (or at least taken much longer to take it) in a romantic relationship. He was the first guy I truly made out with and cared for, second guy that I kissed. Though I'm not sure now that I want to count the first guy as the first but, technically, he was.

But my ex-boyfriend was also the first true breakup I experienced. That sucked...as most of you know. And really, there isn't another word for it but that it sucked. Though he wasn't the one that I knew I would be with forever, it didn't last very long and I had hoped (from what he originally told me about the relationships he'd been in) that it would last long enough for me to learn more about how to be a girlfriend. The one thing that I can take away from it is that I was truly honest with him in everything; he even took note and appreciated that I was because "that's how his mom is." Hmmm...I know I'm not his mom but to be compared to her should've told me that things were probably not going to work out. And, though he'd made friends with mine and wanted our split to be amicable, he's basically disappeared...into the army...very weird but it kinda makes sense, too, since he runs away from everything and "to" nothing. But that's a journal for another time.

Anyway, though I'm not dating yet (it's been almost 3 months), I'm glad for the experience...though I'm still processing why certain things happened and why he was so pursuant and then absolutely nothing and for no reason (apparently), I know that he was good to have known. Honestly, my pride is a little hurt since it was me that took so long to get to the level he was on in feelings...then when I finally get there, he isn't anymore. It really wasn't meant to be and I knew it...but I forced it anyway and all I got was hurt.

Though, had I not cared for him, I wouldn't not have progressed in my life in that area. So, I'm thankful that God brought him to me for a time; I just wish that it hadn't ended so abruptly. I thought that we'd become good friends through it but I guess I was wrong.

But when I do care about a man again, it will be someone who will care for me the same...and hopefully longer than my ex. It's funny to say that...I have an ex. I guess that's progress. But anyway, back to the real point...I want to love someone for real that I'm not already related to...but I'm willing to wait for him. I don't want to be involved with anyone again who just drops me one day. I know it happens and it was destined to happen to me...but I also know that I can choose who I date. I say who I like. I have enough smarts to know who is good for me and who isn't....and I'm worth the right guy waiting for me. I know he is out there and I'm worth waiting for him, too.

Yeah, so I've also been watching Hallmark movies so I'm a little sentimental. But...it's all true. I'm worth more than I give myself credit for...and any man who can't see that is not worth my time.

So I'm going to enjoy my little weekend "off." I'm gonna take more bubble baths, drink a small glass of my favorite wine slowly, work on my dressers, walk with a few good friends, enjoy the beauty around me and be happy to be me. What are you gonna do this weekend?