Wrong decision or regret?

I am fighting inside a gut-wrenching war - against myself. I don't know which end is up and what decisions are right. I feel guilty for letting people down; but it was the right decision to make, right? So why am I crying so much and why does it hurt so much? Why does everything today look completely opposite from yesterday? Am I feeling regret? Was it the wrong decision to make? Or am I just lacking enough confidence in myself?

Only one thing is really clear: I miss it - a lot. Dancing. It gets harder and harder every time the subject comes up. It's like my insides are being torn apart to the point that it makes me physically nauseous at times. Why can't I just forget about it, leave it alone? I can't do it anymore - not like I could before, not up to my standards. Physically, I'm still injured and always will be injured. It's not an injury that can be fixed; can get back to 100%. There are studies to show it; I can get back to 80, maybe 90% but that's as far as anyone has ever gotten. And that isn't enough to be able to do what I did. I was good, too. Maybe not the best or the greatest but definitely gifted. I was always a klutz at home but could find some kind of gracefulness on the dance floor. It was so much easier to dance than it was to walk.

I love it so much but I've asked God to take it away. I can't love something this much and be tortured the rest of my life because I can't do it. It's that upsetting to me. There are really some nights that I cry myself to sleep at night because of it. My former colleagues and students frequently ask me back to the studio but I rarely go. I probably average about 4-6 times a year. It's that hard. And each time I go, it gets harder to leave. But I have to because I cannot do it like before. Dancing is the one thing that I have to be perfect at while I'm doing it; nothing else really matters in that way to me. Though I desire to have a family and that sort of life, not having that right now is okay. Not being able to dance, that isn't so okay. It's torture.

Last week, I had some discomfort in my back (my injury). I didn't do much physical stuff at all and I was paying attention to how I walked, sat, bent down, etc. My back wasn't hurting because of those physical things; it was hurting because of stress. There is just so much going on that I could barely breathe or find the time to even sit down and eat a meal. And it's only going to continue for the next couple weeks; even without the addition of the activity I gave up. I can't dance if my back is out. I can't leave the people who are depending on me in a lurch; no matter what it is. And this would kill me in this situation. Plus, there are less than three weeks until the event; and still no word on when we're supposed to get together. I can't just learn something that I've never done in one rehearsal and remember it well enough to perform in front of 3,000 people. It's not how I work. And, I'm already busy with another ministry that I wouldn't have time to go to rehearsals.

But this morning I found myself in tears. I was so upset and so affected by some scriptures that were read at the end of staff devotions this morning. The lesson I got from them was that I'm not trusting God to take care of everything - including this. I'm not trusting Him to see me through this; instead I'm worrying about stressing so much that I'll end up injuring myself even more. And then, a thought came to me: Though my back was worse then than it is now, I was still able to dance on stage for Face 2 Face last May. I gave it my all and gave it all for Him. I trusted Him; and I really believed that the people who prayed over me were powerful. Not because of themselves but because they were praying in the name of the Lord. I believed that he would heal me enough to get through the performance.

I don't feel that now; I'm not believing that. Why? Why can't I just let God heal me again? Provide healing through the stress that is to come. I want to do it; I really, really do. But I decided, after how I felt last weekend, that I had to say no. It's too soon and it's too soon. I wasn't asked in time and I'm not as well as I thought. But is that all me talking? Or is that God telling me to be careful and patient - that this isn't the right time to try again?

But the scriptures were so real and so penetrating. So should I say yes, again, and hope to get through it? Or do I say no still - remembering that we had some great rehearsals for F2F so by the time the day of the event came it was clearly Satan trying to make me not go through with it; I knew it all by heart by then; and I've never been a lyrical dancer so how am I to learn a dance that is so foreign to me in so short a time? Amanda is amazing; she is so talented and skilled. I don't feel very worthy to be dancing with her, around her or for her. I respect her and her gift that much.

But am I still putting God in a little box? Does He need me to use what little gift I have left for His kingdom? Am I really fighting Him - and not myself? To some, this whole situation may seem trivial. But put yourself in my shoes - what is it that you truly love, adore and feel the most alive doing? Now think about how you would feel if it was all taken away - and that it was because you made a mistake, not anyone else, that it was taken away? My injury is my fault - totally and completely. I live with that everyday. I tell myself, "You can't blame anyone but yourself. You didn't release your hands in time. You didn't keep your head up. And it was you that panicked, not anyone else." It's a hard reality. And I've tried to close that book in my life. But it keeps opening up: do I slam it shut or is there a reason it keeps opening? I don't have much time to figure it out. I jsut need to lean on my faith again. I know that God will show me through my faith. Maybe something will happen today in our worship staff meeting; maybe they'll ask. Should I point them here? Or should I try to explain it to them, tears and all? I guess I'll know when it's time.

Birthday and Boys

So, I've been a little busy of late. This is my first entry in two months and one day. :-)

Yesterday marked my 29th birthday. Yep, I'm 29 - for the first time. :-) It's become a joke with my friends and I now. It's kinda fun to joke about ages. I still don't look my age but I'm coming to the conclusion that that's a good thing. :-) It was a good day all around. I even had some really good friends come over to celebrate with me. However, one thing came out of one of our conversations that disappointed me about a "friend" not present - and it was, of course, a boy.

You know, boys suck. :-) Why is it that most of the time us women want to be friends with guys that really just suck? Even if we are strictly only wanting to be friends, they still suck.

Case in point, my "so-called" non-present "friend." Apparently, he's been making fun of me behind my back to people that know me. I had to find this out from a mutual friend of ours at my birthday party last night. This is the guy that doesn't acknowledge, accept or give out apologies and will only joke with you if you don't joke with him. I'm starting to feel regret that I ever met the guy! And he's a Christian! But a good (and very wise) friend of mine reminded me that "just being a Christian does not a good guy make...you're also an adult, as is this guy I’m assuming [he's 9 years older], so the whole making fun of someone behind their back and acting like their friend in front of them thing should be something they got over a long time ago... don’t know why we’re always attracted to these kinds of people; I think it’s the innate spirit of a woman to be loving and caring and nurturing, and we are attracted to the people that most need our nurturing…even though they probably ‘deserve’ it even less than most!"

Did I tell you that she was wise? :-) I've learned to get over things lately; so I'll just get over this one. It still is a little hurtful, though. I will just have to accept that these types of people exist and just expect this type of continued behavior from him. It's sad, though. We could've been good friends; and dang the luck - I still don't have anyone to go to games with. It was so nice that he totally accepted me for who I was: a girl who enjoyed to watch sports as much as the guys; and I'm somewhat attractive to boot! So it's not like I look like a guy or anything and he wouldn't want to be seen with me. So, I guess he really doesn't accept me for who I am - unless it's as a punchline.

You know, there are guys out there that love me to go to games with them, platonically. And I know there is that really special guy that is meant to be my soulmate, who will accept me just how I am - sports fanatic and all. I haven't found either one back here yet, apparently. I have to continue to be patient and not let these things deter me any. So, dude, if you're reading this - you've just about lost someone that could've been a good friend to you.


What am I saying? I doubt he'll ever read this. Only a hand full of friends know that this blog exists. :-)