As I find myself alone in a house with four dogs and one kid (the other is out; he has a car), I feel really alone. Which is okay...it's allowing me to think. And I realized that I'm really confused and can't talk to anyone about it. When I try to, everyone has to put in their opinion or disagrees; when all I was really doing was trying to get it out so I can make sense of it. I don't have everything worked out...but I need to get it out to someone who is going to just listen; not judge. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and when I started talking about something that was bothering me, they kinda gave me a judgemental look. I know it's a topic that they have strong feelings about so I understood the reaction...but I'm finding that when I really do open up and just be myself when I'm confused, it doesn't go over well. Sometimes I just want to be able to talk to a friend and work things out that way; I honestly sometimes just need something to be there to listen and not judge and not ask me questions and just let me ramble so I can work it out. It made me feel all alone. I don't really think that anyone understands me...really understands me. My close friends seem to change by the year. And that's who I have: my friends. I can't seem to find a man...or the man...to be with me long enough to be my confidante. And as soon as I do, they leave...whether by dumping, getting in a car accident or moving to another state, they just leave. I'm being really patient but it is getting hard.
I just keep finding myself wondering if I'm ever going to be a good enough friend to everyone that they stick around even when it gets hard. My friends have not left me by any means...but I'm in a time that it seems I don't agree with anyone. I'm not trying intentionally to not agree but it's happening. I feel like I can't call anyone now; like I'm an outsider. I feel like some might sit at home and think of me as a joke. And I know that it's affecting me more now around the holidays than it does the rest of the year. I guess things are changing too much for me. Everyone's changing...and it's not just a little, it's a lot and it's quickly. I feel like I'm being left behind. You know? Only two people have called me recently and it's the same people that have been since Thanksgiving (and a little before). I love these two people dearly, dearly, dearly. But there are others that I've invested in that just don't call anymore; and when I call them my chances of getting them on the phone is 50% to 0%. I don't hate change; I just hate change that is so fast that I drag way behind. I'm so tired of trying to catch up. It's such a battle.
But then I look at this little dog in my lap, who though has settled, is clearly still intimidated by the other dogs. He's looking to me for comfort and attention and love and protection. He needs me. Maybe that's why I feel so left out; no one really needs me. And the advice I've given, though I've been assured was good, is never taken. It's literally just hot air coming out of my mouth; it's useless. I want to be needed and respected; not useless or used. I don't think friendships or relationships have to change so much so often. Or maybe they do and I'm learning that.
I'm so confused about so many other things, too. But I'm going to stop here. I'm tired and it's past little Buster's bedtime. :-) But I feel better that I wrote this down. See, sometimes I just need to get it out...often it's by writing...but there are times that I need to speak it out, put it into verbal words. Otherwise, I just bottle it up inside and it festers. And I know from experience that that isn't good.
12.19.2008
10.17.2008
A year of firsts
I've been reflecting a lot lately. It's been mostly about my friendships and the people that have been around me this year. All of that has led to an internal focus on who I am as a person, who I am becoming and why for both of those.
It has been sort of a rough year...exciting but painful at times. There has definitely been good with the bad...or bad with the good...depending on which way you look at it.
To begin with, my year started on November 1, 2007, not January 1, 2008. Why? Because it was the one year anniversary of a day that my life totally changed on the inside...and a bit on the outside. It was an experience that no matter how you look at it, changed me. I woke up to a lot of things in my life...to questioning my motivations along with everyone else's. As I ended fixing some of what was broken in my life, I decided to start anew on that same date, one year later.
I'm 16 days away from the end of this new year (for me). As I reflect on all that has happened, I'm overwhelmed at how much a year has held for me and those around me. Six months ago from last Friday, I couldn't been dead to this world...literally. It was a very traumatic experience...one that I've grown from but also one that sticks to me in the bad ways, too. I am still having visions; not of the particular accident but of crashing in general...and at times that are very unexpected. It is something that may need to be given more importance than I've given it so far...maybe even to counseling sessions.
And yet my accident has brought about some good changes in my life. Though I started dating before the accident (right after my new year started in November), I didn't really put myself out there until right after...and I met my first boyfriend. Though it didn't last, I would never had taken that first step (or at least taken much longer to take it) in a romantic relationship. He was the first guy I truly made out with and cared for, second guy that I kissed. Though I'm not sure now that I want to count the first guy as the first but, technically, he was.
But my ex-boyfriend was also the first true breakup I experienced. That sucked...as most of you know. And really, there isn't another word for it but that it sucked. Though he wasn't the one that I knew I would be with forever, it didn't last very long and I had hoped (from what he originally told me about the relationships he'd been in) that it would last long enough for me to learn more about how to be a girlfriend. The one thing that I can take away from it is that I was truly honest with him in everything; he even took note and appreciated that I was because "that's how his mom is." Hmmm...I know I'm not his mom but to be compared to her should've told me that things were probably not going to work out. And, though he'd made friends with mine and wanted our split to be amicable, he's basically disappeared...into the army...very weird but it kinda makes sense, too, since he runs away from everything and "to" nothing. But that's a journal for another time.
Anyway, though I'm not dating yet (it's been almost 3 months), I'm glad for the experience...though I'm still processing why certain things happened and why he was so pursuant and then absolutely nothing and for no reason (apparently), I know that he was good to have known. Honestly, my pride is a little hurt since it was me that took so long to get to the level he was on in feelings...then when I finally get there, he isn't anymore. It really wasn't meant to be and I knew it...but I forced it anyway and all I got was hurt.
Though, had I not cared for him, I wouldn't not have progressed in my life in that area. So, I'm thankful that God brought him to me for a time; I just wish that it hadn't ended so abruptly. I thought that we'd become good friends through it but I guess I was wrong.
But when I do care about a man again, it will be someone who will care for me the same...and hopefully longer than my ex. It's funny to say that...I have an ex. I guess that's progress. But anyway, back to the real point...I want to love someone for real that I'm not already related to...but I'm willing to wait for him. I don't want to be involved with anyone again who just drops me one day. I know it happens and it was destined to happen to me...but I also know that I can choose who I date. I say who I like. I have enough smarts to know who is good for me and who isn't....and I'm worth the right guy waiting for me. I know he is out there and I'm worth waiting for him, too.
Yeah, so I've also been watching Hallmark movies so I'm a little sentimental. But...it's all true. I'm worth more than I give myself credit for...and any man who can't see that is not worth my time.
So I'm going to enjoy my little weekend "off." I'm gonna take more bubble baths, drink a small glass of my favorite wine slowly, work on my dressers, walk with a few good friends, enjoy the beauty around me and be happy to be me. What are you gonna do this weekend?
It has been sort of a rough year...exciting but painful at times. There has definitely been good with the bad...or bad with the good...depending on which way you look at it.
To begin with, my year started on November 1, 2007, not January 1, 2008. Why? Because it was the one year anniversary of a day that my life totally changed on the inside...and a bit on the outside. It was an experience that no matter how you look at it, changed me. I woke up to a lot of things in my life...to questioning my motivations along with everyone else's. As I ended fixing some of what was broken in my life, I decided to start anew on that same date, one year later.
I'm 16 days away from the end of this new year (for me). As I reflect on all that has happened, I'm overwhelmed at how much a year has held for me and those around me. Six months ago from last Friday, I couldn't been dead to this world...literally. It was a very traumatic experience...one that I've grown from but also one that sticks to me in the bad ways, too. I am still having visions; not of the particular accident but of crashing in general...and at times that are very unexpected. It is something that may need to be given more importance than I've given it so far...maybe even to counseling sessions.
And yet my accident has brought about some good changes in my life. Though I started dating before the accident (right after my new year started in November), I didn't really put myself out there until right after...and I met my first boyfriend. Though it didn't last, I would never had taken that first step (or at least taken much longer to take it) in a romantic relationship. He was the first guy I truly made out with and cared for, second guy that I kissed. Though I'm not sure now that I want to count the first guy as the first but, technically, he was.
But my ex-boyfriend was also the first true breakup I experienced. That sucked...as most of you know. And really, there isn't another word for it but that it sucked. Though he wasn't the one that I knew I would be with forever, it didn't last very long and I had hoped (from what he originally told me about the relationships he'd been in) that it would last long enough for me to learn more about how to be a girlfriend. The one thing that I can take away from it is that I was truly honest with him in everything; he even took note and appreciated that I was because "that's how his mom is." Hmmm...I know I'm not his mom but to be compared to her should've told me that things were probably not going to work out. And, though he'd made friends with mine and wanted our split to be amicable, he's basically disappeared...into the army...very weird but it kinda makes sense, too, since he runs away from everything and "to" nothing. But that's a journal for another time.
Anyway, though I'm not dating yet (it's been almost 3 months), I'm glad for the experience...though I'm still processing why certain things happened and why he was so pursuant and then absolutely nothing and for no reason (apparently), I know that he was good to have known. Honestly, my pride is a little hurt since it was me that took so long to get to the level he was on in feelings...then when I finally get there, he isn't anymore. It really wasn't meant to be and I knew it...but I forced it anyway and all I got was hurt.
Though, had I not cared for him, I wouldn't not have progressed in my life in that area. So, I'm thankful that God brought him to me for a time; I just wish that it hadn't ended so abruptly. I thought that we'd become good friends through it but I guess I was wrong.
But when I do care about a man again, it will be someone who will care for me the same...and hopefully longer than my ex. It's funny to say that...I have an ex. I guess that's progress. But anyway, back to the real point...I want to love someone for real that I'm not already related to...but I'm willing to wait for him. I don't want to be involved with anyone again who just drops me one day. I know it happens and it was destined to happen to me...but I also know that I can choose who I date. I say who I like. I have enough smarts to know who is good for me and who isn't....and I'm worth the right guy waiting for me. I know he is out there and I'm worth waiting for him, too.
Yeah, so I've also been watching Hallmark movies so I'm a little sentimental. But...it's all true. I'm worth more than I give myself credit for...and any man who can't see that is not worth my time.
So I'm going to enjoy my little weekend "off." I'm gonna take more bubble baths, drink a small glass of my favorite wine slowly, work on my dressers, walk with a few good friends, enjoy the beauty around me and be happy to be me. What are you gonna do this weekend?
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