Friday

As I find myself alone in a house with four dogs and one kid (the other is out; he has a car), I feel really alone. Which is okay...it's allowing me to think. And I realized that I'm really confused and can't talk to anyone about it. When I try to, everyone has to put in their opinion or disagrees; when all I was really doing was trying to get it out so I can make sense of it. I don't have everything worked out...but I need to get it out to someone who is going to just listen; not judge. I had lunch with a friend yesterday and when I started talking about something that was bothering me, they kinda gave me a judgemental look. I know it's a topic that they have strong feelings about so I understood the reaction...but I'm finding that when I really do open up and just be myself when I'm confused, it doesn't go over well. Sometimes I just want to be able to talk to a friend and work things out that way; I honestly sometimes just need something to be there to listen and not judge and not ask me questions and just let me ramble so I can work it out. It made me feel all alone. I don't really think that anyone understands me...really understands me. My close friends seem to change by the year. And that's who I have: my friends. I can't seem to find a man...or the man...to be with me long enough to be my confidante. And as soon as I do, they leave...whether by dumping, getting in a car accident or moving to another state, they just leave. I'm being really patient but it is getting hard.

I just keep finding myself wondering if I'm ever going to be a good enough friend to everyone that they stick around even when it gets hard. My friends have not left me by any means...but I'm in a time that it seems I don't agree with anyone. I'm not trying intentionally to not agree but it's happening. I feel like I can't call anyone now; like I'm an outsider. I feel like some might sit at home and think of me as a joke. And I know that it's affecting me more now around the holidays than it does the rest of the year. I guess things are changing too much for me. Everyone's changing...and it's not just a little, it's a lot and it's quickly. I feel like I'm being left behind. You know? Only two people have called me recently and it's the same people that have been since Thanksgiving (and a little before). I love these two people dearly, dearly, dearly. But there are others that I've invested in that just don't call anymore; and when I call them my chances of getting them on the phone is 50% to 0%. I don't hate change; I just hate change that is so fast that I drag way behind. I'm so tired of trying to catch up. It's such a battle.

But then I look at this little dog in my lap, who though has settled, is clearly still intimidated by the other dogs. He's looking to me for comfort and attention and love and protection. He needs me. Maybe that's why I feel so left out; no one really needs me. And the advice I've given, though I've been assured was good, is never taken. It's literally just hot air coming out of my mouth; it's useless. I want to be needed and respected; not useless or used. I don't think friendships or relationships have to change so much so often. Or maybe they do and I'm learning that.

I'm so confused about so many other things, too. But I'm going to stop here. I'm tired and it's past little Buster's bedtime. :-) But I feel better that I wrote this down. See, sometimes I just need to get it out...often it's by writing...but there are times that I need to speak it out, put it into verbal words. Otherwise, I just bottle it up inside and it festers. And I know from experience that that isn't good.