No more waiting

I finally made a very hard decision in the last couple of days. It was a long time in coming but it was necessary to make in order for me to move forward. I can't say it was exactly holding me back but it had become my entire life and I'd started to resent it. No matter how hard I tried, and prayed, and wished I just couldn't shake the fact that I had to turn away from it. It was so hard...it still is and will be for awhile. It feels almost like a break up...the kind that you realize that you love the person but you just aren't in love with them so you can't stay with them. You know you have to do it for your own good and for theirs but you know that it's still going to hurt. There is love there, just not enough to stay together.

The decision I made was not because I had less love for anything or anyone...but it was because I knew there were others more suited at this time to take my place. And that was a really hard realization to come to. I am so socially-minded that to decide in any way to not be in the center of everthing is a big deal. However, there were things that I need to accomplish and instead of my involvement in the situation being vital to it, it was in fact deteriorating for me...because I knew that I had to turn away but wasn't willing to make that decision so I fought it tooth and nail until I knew I couldn't fight it anymore. The position I had affected others, too. I have to fix some things that are not right in my life and then I can have the sort of position again. I had in fact led someone wrong without realizing it because I got too emotional about something that I shouldn't have. I do not want to do that again...not when I know better and I have a position that will affect others. In addition, this position took all of my time. There are so many things that I have to accomplish that I was finding it harder and harder to commit. There wasn't time for anything else in my life. At first I tried to let go of other things because I felt this was more important for me to focus on. But it isn't anymore. I cannot move forward if I don't say no to things...and I didn't want it to be this but there was no way of getting around what I had to do.

I do know that God will lead me back to this type of position in the future. I don't know if it will be the same place or somewhere else. But today, on a Valentine's Day that I don't have a date or solid plans, I'm not feeling so lonely. Not like usual. Because I know that God, my friends, my family are looking out for me and love me the way that I am. That no matter what decision I make, they'll support me. And if it's a bad decision, they'll love me enough to tell me. This isn't a bad decision. It's just hard. But some of the most fruitful decisions are the hardest ones to make...even if we can't see it at the time.

That's God's promise...and I'm trusting Him to follow through.

Valentine's

So, it's 1:11 a.m. on Thursday, February 12th & I just finished making Valentine's for all my girlfriends (due in large part to the creativeness of my friend "Mags"). But before I could bring myself to lay in bed and after I had my jammies on, I got an urge to write...mind you I have to be up no later than 7 a.m. and to work by 8 a.m.....yet, I'm inspired to type. Go figure. It's me...totally.

Anyway, these valentine's got me to thinking a bit. I am happy where I am...I like who I am and I"m okay wiht not having a date for valentine's this year. What's funny is that I know if I wanted one, I could have one. There are two guys that have sent me a note, sort of a pre-valentine...but I'm really not that interested in having a date for valentine's that I'd go out with either one. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really content in my life. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm striving for more and to grow and to succeed but I'm really okay with who I am and am not going to make excuses. I think that I'm finally getting my own mind. I've always tried to please people and have always agreed with everyone I talk to in some way. But there are people in my life or around me that I don't agree with at all...one is a friend and one is someone I work with. And I think it's time that I asserted myself. No, not get angry and get in a confrontation. That would do more harm than good and isn't worth hurting someone over. But the next time I'm approached about either subject, I'm not going to back down and tell them what they want to hear...because what they need to hear isn't popular and it's not fun to hear but it does need to be said. Accountability is so important between people...but it has to exist on both sides. And right now, I know that I'm enabling behavior to continue that shouldn't. All that will happen if I stay down the same path is lead to hurt, for them and for me. It doesn't help either of us for me to smooth out the surface but let the boil fester below.

Okay, so now I'm a little tired and totally want to change the subject. In two days my best friend in CA is going to be induced. She's having her first baby! And it's working out that she'll have him or her actually on Valentine's Day! Isn't that cool? I get to go see her in March...I can't wait to meet my new "niece" or "nephew." Anyway, it's now 1:25 a.m. and I need to get to bed.