Intsomnia 11:44 p.m. 8/17/09

So...I have to be up and at 'em in 5 hours but I have something to get off my mind before I can sleep. I've tended to use my laptop to journal anymore. Sometimes it's a note on facebook, sometimes its on my blog and sometimes it's just a word document. Tonight, my blogger is my avenue.

I had three dreams...well, four in the last three weeks...that have had some meaning to them. I only want to talk about the one though. One of three I had tonight. It didn't have anything to do with me...or should I say, I wasn't in it...I was just watching everything unfold. A man stood in a large room, like an auditorium but the walls were dingy and it seemed musty...not a nice high school auditorium...a very dilapidated high school. Anyway, a kid in a funny looking costume was first in line for an autograph but the celebrity or sports guy (apparently it didn't matter who he was because I never saw his face or really much of his stature, mostly just his legs and torso beginning about his chest). He thought the kid had cut in front so he sent him to the back of the line. When he finally got to the kid, his heart was really hard toward him and he overheard the kid say that he was going to sell the autograph for money...he shoed the kid away not listening to the rest of what the kid said.

You could tell now with no other kids around that the costume the kid was wearing wasn't a costume. He wore clothes that were worn, torn and too big for his body. He looked like a boy dressed as a hobo with dirt as his makeup. Rejected, the boys eyes started to water as he turned away, hanging his head and walkign out the door. Immediately out the door, the celebrity guy felt a pang of guilt but brushed it away. However, as the man later walked out the same door he heard a faint sobbing and heard the boy say out loud, "now what am I supposed to do?....I'm so hungry and my dad is so sick." There was no way that the boy knew the man had heard him. The boy started to walk down the alley to the back of the high school and the man followed him. What he saw next was excruciatingly painful. A man was sitting against the cold wall with two other children. All of them were like the boy: they looked worn, tattered and beaten by life. I felt the man's change of heart in my dream and he walked quickly toward the boy, not realizing he had picked up his own photograph that the boy had dropped in the puddle-ridden alley, and called out to him, "Son! You forgot this." The boy turned around and he saw the famous man. A big smile flashed across his face. "I hope I didn't hurt you," the man said. "God saw that you were special and wanted me to come to see you by myself." The boy turned to his dad and said, "See, I told you he would help us." The man just knew to answer, "I'd like to if you'd let me." The father of the boy and two other children just said, "okay," in a weak, fragile but masculine voice.

Then it was like these quick flashes of light with scenes of how the man helped the boy and his family. As I sit here reading this, I somehow know that if these were real people, that boy helped so many people because of the blessing of the famous man. That one famous man had helped this little boy, and through just that one little gesture, had changed the world.

But the reason why I'm writing this right now is because I knew the moment I woke up from that dream that the famous man was me. I so want to help so many people but I find myself not wanting to even look at the pain around me. Instead, I shoo it away and go about my life, not really and truly helping those less fortunate. And I excuse it by not knowing how I can when I don't have the money that the famous man did to change the boys life. I keep telling myself, "maybe in a year, when I'm out of debt..."..."maybe when I have a nice house and can help someone back on their feet by giving them room and board for free for awhile..."..."maybe when I have more time and don't have to work so much, I can serve more..." Oh, Tiffany, how you've convinced yourself that you don't have enough to help and are doomed for the meantime to sit by and watch people suffer! It's so not true!

I can't help each person who suffers but I can change at least one life. I don't need to be debt free or make every right decision or be beautiful or perfect or have enough time in my day or be older or be married or be single or be anything more than what I am now. God uses us where we were, where we are and where we are going to be. He doesn't put parameters around us, me. I do that....and I need to stop.

Show me Lord who I am to help...in little and big ways...and don't let me get in Your way. I pray that I will be an open vessel to be a blessing to someone as so many have been blessings to me.

I love you and your people...and I want to know how to show it, Lord. Help me to be more like You. Help me to love more.

In your son's name, Jesus Christ, I pray, Amen.