Here I go again...:-)

I don't know where I'm goin' but I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Just another heart in need of rescue waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Recognize this? It's the lyrics to a favorite song of mine (and a lot of others). I heard it today on the radio and I realized that this is where I'm at. I researched a bit on my family today and the islands that we're from in the Azores. I want to go to visit for a couple days on each one. But I know why my family did not stay. It isn't a place that you can live well for long. They came here to America to find success and easier way of living. And I think my family has become extremely successful in this aspect. But the Azores islands are also known for their beauty; and one of the islands that my family is from is a huge tourist destination: Faial. San Jorge is not far behind it in tourism. I'd like to see both and stand on land that my ancestors once stood. I would also like to experience the mainland. But when am I to do all these things? Is it now? In the next year? Can I get out of debt completely by next Summer? It just doesn't seem possible. I have, including my student loans and my car and current medical bills for my back, over $30,000 in debt. How can I make that much "extra" money by June or July 2006? I would also need to have ample money in order to travel to all these places (my list includes more than just Portugal; another major desire is to visit my friend Leslie in London, and travel to France, Italy; even places in this country like Boston, NYC, Philadelphia - the original city of our government). Is this something that I can do over my life-time, maybe beginning with my honeymoon (which is awhile away being that I haven't found a suitable guy in order to even consider dating yet)? Or should my focus be to work as much as I can for the next months and start my travels now (well, I'd be 30 by next summer)? Will there be a future job that allows me to travel a lot? I have so many questions and so few answers. But some prayers have been answered; and the questions that I have are new ones.

Life is exciting, isn't it? Every day is a new day with new possibilities and new opportunities. It's what we make of them that shapes our lives and our experiences. Hopefully, I have done so mostly because I have kept my faith in God and have followed His will. I will have been successful, if I have done so.

Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

What was I worried about?

To know a little bit about me, you need to know that I'm character-driven. When I watch a movie or read a book, I latch onto character. It has been so with Star Wars Episodes 1-3. I did not want to go to see the third installment. I liked Anakin too much - and I was mad at George Lucas for making him so likable. I did not want to see him turn to the dark side even though I know he is redeemed three movies later. Okay, so now you know. I'm a closet Star Wars fan. I have the re-mastered trilogy and decided to wait until the release of Episode 3 to buy the other three, hoping that they'll bring it back in a trilogy, also. Although, I'm beginning to wonder if they'll just put all six together. Anyway, I've hidden myself by not collecting anything about Star Wars. I adore the story and the movies but I don't want to be linked to people who actually dress up to watch the movie. I think those people are fine; I have nothing against them except for the fact that my life is more than Star Wars. Though, I adore the story.

So I fretted and fretted and fretted on if I should actually see "Revenge of the Sith." George Lucas made me like Anakin. So, giving in, I decided to go right after work - straight to the theatre to watch it on my own. Otherwise, I'd continue to debate myself. I opened my mind and let George Lucas redeem himself; and he did. I came to hate Anakin. Even more so Darth Vader. And it were two things that turned me (SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET): Anakin killing the younglings and him taking Padme by the throught, almost killing her, his love - the whole reason for him turning was to save her from her supposed death. At that point, I was ready for Obi Wan to kick his butt. Seriously - I had no loyalty to Anakin by that point. He was evil, completely. And even when he asked the Emperor about Padme, the only thing I felt was sorry for him. He was blinded and gone.

This morning, I had another thought. I had to watch Episode 6 (just a few scenes). I watched the one where Luke rescues the gang from Jabba the Hut (that's just a great scene); Luke's last encounter with Yoda where he finds out about Leia; and the final battle sequences as he's fighting his father and the Emperor, and the rebel fleet is fighting the Empire fleet. Through it all, he still believed his father was good. He saw his good side. He saw good in something that was completely evil. And he was right. Isn't that what God wants us to do with others? See the good in them and fight for it? I don't know if George Lucas believes in God or not but He does exist. And He is good. And He wants good for others; and for us to see the good in others. I know it's cliche - using a movie to rationalize a point - but it's hard not to see the parallels. In our own lives, we go through hills and valleys at the same time. There's always something good with something bad and vice versa. Sometimes the bad has to come for the good to come. It's how life works; how it always has work. We can only have faith and keep our hope in each other. I lose sight of this a lot. I think of petty things and concern myself with them. Case in point: I argued with myself on if I should or shouldn't go see this movie. I spent precious time - no, I wasted precious time trying to decide on something so menial. We need entertainment, a break from reality sometimes, but it shouldn't consume our lives. I let it consume mine for several days. And it shouldn't have. We all have our likes and dislikes in life. I love to go to movies, to read a good story; as I said, I'm character-driven. But it shouldn't consume me so uch that my life centers around it.

And, then, if I really think about it and am honest with myself, my life may supposed to be character-driven. I want to be a writer and I want my stories, characters to mean something; I want people to identify and be comforted with them; as I have with others. But I've been too into others that I'm wasting my gift, and the time I have on this earth to pursue that goal; a goal that God may have for me. I will soon see in the future. So on one hand I'm a hypocrite and on the other hand I'm being lazy.

What was I so worried about in the first place? It's a story I knew the end to. My stories, well, I don't know the end yet. But it's high time I found out.

Lime and reason

Yes - I'm obsessed with Pepsi Lime. I love it. But this isn't the first time I've had it. Two years ago, when I was in Honduras on a mission trip, I tasted it for the first time. I wondered why they had it there and not in the States. I thought that we'd soon get it there. I fell in love with it then; but my love was made into heartbreak. It wasn't there when we got back. In fact, they came out with Lemon Pepsi. Yuck! I have nothing against the lemon as a fruit but in soda it sucks. In water and tea, it sucks. In pies, it's marvelous! But to ruin my Pepsi - I would have none of that! And then, my rival, Coke, came out with Diet Lime Coke. Ugh! Why? Why couldn't Pepsi hav ebeen first here? It so rocks over Coke. But, then again, I'm a sugar-aholic. Coke just doesn't have enough sugar in it. It's so bland. But, recently, my love has found it's way back to me. And now, after many months of just about giving up soda completely, I'm buying it in hordes all over again - because I just have to have this Pepsi lime in my system. It's a moral imperative. :-)

Anyway, today I'm a little excited about my future. Yeah, if I think too much, I realize that just over a week from now I'll be in a new job that makes a lot less than what my bills require. But I'll be okay. I'm excited for my future. I know that there are good things and bad things along the way but I also know that God doesn't want me to sit on my laurels and watch them happen. He needs me to be me and get out there. He has given me so many gifts; 29 is just the tip of the iceburg for me. I had a good lunch yesterday with Alisa and Jen. We went to this new place after church and I found myself writing a story in my head; taking a mental note of the three of us and our lives, as if we were sisters sitting in a cafe in Paris, not where we actually were - a cafe in downtown Bloomington, Indiana, USA. it was neat to see what I did. To realize to myself of how stories, people and their lives interest me. At that moment, I realized who I really was and that all those years of saying, "I could never do that," was a total lie. I could totally do it. I really, really could. And you probably would like to know what I mean by all this. Sometimes, I forget to be specific with stuff because my brain goes so fast that my fingers can't catch up - even if I'm typing. :-) That's why I double and triple-check my e-mails before I send them. Yeah, I know - a little pathetic but I hate sending an e-mail and it reads totally different than what I really meant; and I can't stand misspelling anything. It's my biggest pet peeve.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent again - and if you know me well, you know that you have to forgive me because I routinely go on tangents - it's how I'm wired. Luckily, I have great friends. :-) Anyhoo, I could see myself traveling the world, sitting in a cafe, people watching, writing what I see or my thoughts at the moment and just taking in the different cultures. What's hindering me? Money. Flying over the ocean. Going to a land where I don't speak the language. The thought of not coming back to see my family. The thought that I'm 29 and want be married someday, which has to happen soon if I want time to have and raise the three kids I want. Seriously, I've always wanted what my step-sister and my brother have: three kids, specifically two boys and one girl. They both have the same thing: my dream family. But I can't even find a man that is worth giving "the rest of my life." And if I do take care of my money problems and find myself in a position, financially, to travel, will I miss him? Will my desire to travel forsake my desire and maybe God's will for my family because I left at the wrong time? And then again, if I don't do it, don't work towards this goal, am I giving up a dream that God has for me? This is a big question: it's about my future and God's will for me. It's something that I know he'll reveal the answer to in time. I just have to keep faith and be patient. A lot can happen in the next two months. I knew things would change for me a lot this year; and they have already. But there's more coming; I can feel it. There could even be a man; but I'm not so sure about who even though there's one that's interested at the moment. I think he's a great guy but I'm not attracted to him. But I don't want to not give him a chance if my problem is me and my short-sightedness. Time will tell and I know that I will make the right decision because all of the decisions I've made in this area before were right. I gave it to God and He led me to the right decision. I know He will do that now.

Oh, bummer. I just finished my Pepsi Lime. I should get back to work. I'm going to write later today; not on my blog but a story no less. I've decided not to write my little story from the other night down on my blog. It's not time - yet. It will be one day; maybe in a collection of stories, or to help me develop a character. It isn't meant for here; and I'm glad I waited to figure that out.

My pettiness is crystal clear

I was just sent this exerpt from a friend of mine. I have to put it on my blog; as a reminder to myself on how petty I am most of the time. I have serious thinking to do; we have serious thinking to do.

In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond, In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillion of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is "my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people...You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for you to own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan - to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, "God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better" ...God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? How can I be so stupid at times? Ugh! Sometimes I can't stand me. Good to know that He still does, regardless of my pettiness. It helps me to sleep at night - when there's not a thunderstorm, of course. :-)

Okay...so I survived the storm.

Hi. I'm still here. I didn't get blown away; my cable and electricity didn't even go out. I don't know why storms scare me so much. I just hate that I am afraid of them. We all have our fears so I'll just have to deal with it.

I wanted to put my story from the other night on my blog. My mind keeps volleying the idea back and forth; I feel like I'm at a tennis match. I don't care so much that it's not that well-written(it was 11 p.m. at night and I was tired); it's just what it says. I think more people know about this blog now and to be so open - in that particular way - is a little scary. And it's something I can use in a future story; exploring the inside of people who feel this way. I know and I'm old enough to handle it now. There's been enough time and enough healing. That's how I feel, at least. I don't know. I think I should read it again. It might take a couple more times. In the meantime, I need to concern myself with Alexis, Will and Lacey - the characters in my current story which I realized too late was due last Monday, not this coming Monday. Oopsy.

Maybe I should move...

We are under a t...watch until 9 p.m. tonight. The other t-word; not thunderstorm, though those come first. I really hate this. It's so scary. I try not to be scared but nothing seems to work. Maybe I should move out of Indiana and back to CA. Maybe I don't belong here. I mean, I haven't been able to get past this fear. It turns me inside out, every time. I try to be calm and keep my mind off of it, but it doesn't work. It's so scary.

I have plans tonight but I don't want to go. I want to stay home, in my basement. But the storms will be here before I go to work. And being here with a lot of people here is more soothing than at home alone - at least, here I'm with people I love.

Change the subject...maybe that will help. :-)

I just read a story online on Eva Longoria and her "connection" to Hayden Christensen (you know, Anakin Skywalker-turned-Darth Vader). Okay, so he's a hottie and she's a hottie but them together - makes my stomach turn. Yuck! Who knows if it's really true but yuck. They don't even seem to match in any way. I don't know; I guess stars just have no parameters on who they date. As long as their "beautiful" and pretty famous at the time, it doesn't matter to them. It seems that Eva doesn't know what she wants and is going after the hot guy at the time. However, I guess it's what "normal" women and men do before they find the right one: date. But it always looks like they make out first and date later. What's that all about? Sounds kinda fishy to me but to each his own, I guess.

No, you know what? I think it's wrong. You should date someone because there's a connection between you that's strong; that could lead to marraige. People date for the fun of it now; well, more so than before. That's not right. Divorce is rampant. People don't make the right decision when it comes to their social life because they don't see it as important. Divorce is seen as okay; and it is not okay. It should be for only the worst of circumstances; not a "well, if it doesn't work out, we can always divorce." This thought comes out of the this rampant "non-chalance" about dating. Eva is gorgeous and I'm sure Hayden would love nothing more than to say he "dated" her (and vice versa for Eva). But if they are dating then I hope it's for reasons that are real - and not publicity-related. It's just icky that way. And, again, who knows if it's even true.

And I shouldn't care much about who dates who in Hollywood; it's kind of a given that lots of yucky things happen there. And though all of us have wanted to be a part of it in some way at some point in our lives - to be famous - I'm glad that I'm not connected in any way (not that I ever could be - I'm not an actress; I ballroom dance great but not great enough; and my stories will probably never be published to the point that people know my name). :-)

Couldn't sleep...

So much was running through my head, and from my eyes. I didn't want to cry myself to sleep so the thought I was having had to be put on paper. I wrote it down. I wrote something down last night. And then I fell asleep, not crying. I also read it when it was finished. It soothed me - which, if you read it, may seem demented of me. But it was only on paper. It was out of my head and wasn't as real anymore. I know that sounds weird but sometimes writing something down releases it from my subconscious and makes it more ordinary. Yes, there are times when I write things down that become more real. But the realness of those stories always serves a good purpose. The stories that I write down and feel a "release" from, are usually something my subconscious is trying to hold me down with. So, without trying to sound demented again, it filled me with ease to see it on paper, and out of my head.

It's scary in a way, too. Because though I'm "over" it, I still have a connection to it that's very real. However, I am beginning to see it as a positive; whereas I was afraid of it before. I'm not so much now. It's become an asset. How, I'm not sure. But it is one. I can talk about it, write about it and think about it now without really ever being concerned that I might do it. I know how it feels; and as I read the words I wrote afterwards, I can see that that reality makes the words real - to everyone, not just myself. People can identify with it; it's not unrealistic. It's real because it really happened to me; maybe not in that exact way but it reflects the reality of my situation from then to now.

In a way, I feel reborn. Not so much a completely different person; but I feel different in a way that I've never felt before. I still have anger and resentment but it's much less than before. And it's much more in a good way than in a bad. I don't blame those within the anger and resentment, just the circumstances that led there. I think that it's good that the anger and resentment is not towards the people anymore but towards that force out there that is evil, controlling those circumstances. But he will never win; because He who is in me is greater than he who is of the world. And he tries really hard; but He has already won.

I want to write my story here but I'm not so sure that I should. Though I know of only one person who actually reads this, the thought of putting this little excerpt on the web for anyone and everyone to see, is hard to fathom. It opens me up to strangers a little too much. But then again, it could help someone. Someone can identify with it and see that things aren't always as bad as they seem. Sometimes we just can't see beyond our own noses and interpret things totally and completely wrong.

I can't decide right now. I don't even have it with me. I will have to wait until later, tomorrow maybe. I don't know.

Oh yeah, the new job...

It isn't great but it will do. It will keep me busy and get a foot in the door. the only reason why I say it isn't great is two things: it's a temporary part-time job (no more than 35 hours a week for a period of 3-5 months) and the pay is only $9 an hour with no benefits. Other than that, it is a step in the right direction: Journalism. I still have to have a second job, part-time; and I still have to keep looking for the full-time, with benefits position that can dove-tail to a good career - one that would get me out of debt and relying totally and completely on myself (well, with God, too, of course) - not my parents or my family or friends in any financial way. That's what I want. I want to be able to pay off my credit cards, move into my own place (buy, not rent) and be able to have a savings plan for the future: my family, my future kids (if that's in God's plan for my life), and my retirement. That's it. That's all I want. I don't want to be famous or have lots and lots of money. Money is nice because everything costs money; but it isn't the only thing. So if I can just have enough to not be indebted to anybody or any institution, then I'll be doing very well.

I want to be able to give to charities and volunteer more easily. Because I have so much debt, I find that it's difficult for me to do that because I have to work to pay my bills. And now, that's going to be so much more important now. How did I get myself into this mess? I know I can get out of it but it's going to take a while and I'm not sure how it's going to happen. Maybe I AM destined to write "The Great American Novel." Who knows? But, then again, I don't want to be a one-hit wonder either. I want to write more than one, if that's myu niche in life. And I want it to touch people; even if my story changes one persons life, it would be all worth it. Boy, have I got a lot of research to do. Both stories I'm working on have possibilities and that really excites me. I just hope that I'm not getting my hopes up; because I love these characters and want people to love them, too.

Well, I better get to it, huh? There's no time like the present. I'm done with work today so I should use this time productively.

New job, still anxious but that could be the thunderstorm that's looming...

Have I told you that I hate thunderstorms? Well, in case I haven't, I do. I really, really do. I've lived here 8 years and though I think at times that I've gotten over them, I really haven't. I can stay calm only so long; and usually only if I'm with a lot of friends around me. Still, even at Bible study the other night, I was very aware of what was going on outside. And really, I don't think it's the thunderstorm itself but the possibility of the damaging wind called tor..... See, I can't even write the word. It scares me so. I know that if it's my time, it's my time. But I also don't want to be stupid. I need to be safe, too. It's just a part of life.

I'm going to be unsettled for the rest of the day. I know that I will make it through the night and the storms but for some reason I still get anxious. I guess it's just one of those things that each of us have, those anxieties, fears. Everyone has them. Even those people who go on "Fear Factor." There's something they are afraid of. Maybe they aren't afraid of what they have to do on the show, but that doesn't mean that "fear isn't a factor for them." Maybe they're afraid of committment, of saying the wrong things. Everyone is afraid of something. And the t-word just happens to be mine.

Woo Hoo!

On a day that finds the first bits of anxiety creeping in, I got some good news - finally. No, it wasn't a prospective employer but it was exciting news all the same. I had been dreading reading an e-mail from a very important person in my life right now. I had thought it would be negative and so I waited to read it until I knew that I absolutely had to: today. But I was pleasantly surprised: she liked it, in her words that she capitalized, A LOT! Yay! It's such good news!

I guess I should explain who this person is, huh? She's my writing instructor. I turned in my last assignment in late March and received her response pretty quickly. But once I looked at the article and her notes, I didn't want to look into the letter she sent (they are sent with every corrected article with further details of their instruction). I read the letter for the first time this morning. She loved my story idea, the characters and the way I wrote it; she just didn't like where I started it. Whew! I thought that she had hated everything. But she actually wrote that she couldn't wait to read the finished product. How cool is that? :-)

I keep dissing myself and my talent. I have a friend who is really gifted and even she's had trouble getting her stories published. I figured that since I know I'm not as good as her that there was no way, even with completing this class, that I would ever be published. I thought that I had tried really hard but failed with my last assignment. But that isn't true; it's just my insecurity getting the better of me.

So though I haven't had anybody call wanting to bring me in for an interview yet, this is good. I'm inspired to write this story; to be patient with God's will; to be proactive and positive in everything I do; and to give myself the credit that's due.

Funny, the last statement from my previous post has just been proven. God uses people you wouldn't of guessed He would in your wildest dreams. :-)

A little anxious...

I'm trying not to be but I am getting a little anxious. It's never taken this long for me to hear from possible employers, especially for the ones that require you to e-mail your resume. The majority of jobs I've found have wanted resumes and cover letters e-mailed to them. I have sent in between 15-20 resumes in the past week and none have responded. Some say it's too early; but others say that for the ones that were advertising for an immediate opening and that I qualify for, I should have heard something by now. That unsettles me. I want to have a job by June. I don't want to go into June having to take the time I have "off" to find a job. I don't have that luxury. I'm still doing Mary Kay and I will help Barbara part-time at the studio but that won't give me what I need to get out of debt, pay my bills and my car payments. I am calm mostly still but the anxiety is inching up. It's there, simmering. I don't want it to do any more than that. I keep praying and staying positive. It's hard - but I know that if I didn't have my credit cards to deal with, I would be even calmer. It's those things that are making me anxious. The other bills I can deal with. The credit cards are too out of control; I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO FIND A JOB BY JUNE 1. There is no if's, and's or but's about it. Somebody just has to want me and see that I am a good worker and that I can be great at certain jobs; but that may require them taking a chance because a lot of things I'm great at I've not actually had a job in. I'm hoping that I find this person/company soon. Until then, I'll keep applying to everywhere in town and out of town. :-)

Can you spell C-H-A-N-G-E?

Where to start? I guess I'll begin with my job situation; I resigned Monday from my position. Yeah, it was hard but it was mutual. This seems to be my favorite new word: mutual. I'm not so sure that all the parties will know how mutual it is (or was) but it's good that everyone is in agreement and is on fairly good terms. There's also been other shake-ups but I'm not allowed to speak about those openly yet - so I won't. :-)

I am looking for jobs right now; I even applied to ESPN. Yeah, that was a total off-the-wall application; I would love to work there somehow but I have no experience so I don't know if they'll even look at my resume seriously at all. I'm assuming they won't. But at least my name is out there - maybe for later. I have to do more applications today but so far I haven't even gotten a response from anyone I've already applied to - even the "immediate" openings ones; I usually don't have to wait this long. So, I'm getting slightly anxious. But, it is early and it may take a week for some businesses to even start to look at resumes submitted. I just have to exercise extreme patience.

I also have one other very large decision to make because of all of this - and that is my living situation. After asking my real estate management company a barrage of questions, I have come to see that the best deal for me may not be the best deal for my roommate. I'm taking hte rest of the week to think it over; in and out, upside down and around. Before I make a decision, I have to make sure I've looked at every option and can easily stand by what I decide - even if there is opposition. It will just depend on what I think is best for me right now and if that decision is not best for someone else.

And I'm dealing with the fact that I 'm disappointed in a few "friends" who haven't even talked to me about my situation; friends that are close. I'm trying to figure out how to handle that and have come to the conclusion that I can't care about that. I have something more important to do - and that is find a job so I can pay my bills. And I have to keep Christ in the center of all of it; I can't have these negative feelings towards friends if I don't know what is going on in their lives. But I can be thankful for the friends that have e-mailed me everyday (or called me) to encourage me or give me info about those jobs. Right now, God has put them in my life to help me. I can't wait until I can return the favor. :-) They don't know how much they are helping.

I have learned that everyone needs to do certain things on their own; however, that doesn't mean they don't need encouragement and a friendly face once in awhile. A hug from a friend or a short telephone call for encouragement can help someone get the lift they need to press on and not give up. And I've had that from others so I need to quit complaining and realize that God really does work in mysterious ways; and with people we would never guess.