Checking in...out guys

Okay, so I haven't written on my blog in awhile. I've just been so busy. I've started a new job, moved into a new apartment and am in the process of turning my temporary job into a permanent one (it's still only part-time but it's a job nonetheless). I've found, too, that with this new job I have the time to pursue some of my other interests that can also add to my bank account. I have to be very strict with my money for the next year still but I may come out of this next year having finally succeeded in life in some way. I've never been so excited to be me - and to see what God has in store for me for my future. I just wish I didn't have to contend with this massive debt, too. :-('

Really, the biggest news I have is that my temporary job at the newspaper turned into a permanent one. It's a little more money with a few less hours but it's permanent - which to me means I have a place to go to work everyday. I'll just have to find other means to make money that will pay for other stuff. But it's good that I like it here and they like me. I transition a week from tomorrow so it will be good to finally have permanence. But it will also be sad that I don't get to work at this desk. I'll be fine across the room but the desk that I'm at is very lively because it's right on the other side of the cubicle from the artists (who are all so funny) and it's in front of the inside sales people's desks (who are also funny in their banter with each other and me). But I will get to know two other sales reps and I think that I'll learn a lot from them, too.

I have to say something else, too, that's been a little weird in the last two days. My friends birthday was Sunday. I was invited to lunch with her and some other friends in celebration. There was a person there that I just didn't think to expect there and it affected me. In fact, I tried not to look at this person the whole time because when I saw this person I was directly affected and I didn't know how to deal with that. I can't like this person. This person and I just wouldn't work and I hate that I know that I still want something to happen. I'm so curious about what goes on in their head and where they come from and what makes them who they are and why they do what they do. It's so crazy because I know things would not work for us from what I've already experienced - but I still found myself drawn to him (okay, so we all know that it's a guy I'm talking about). He's attractive but what gets me is that that isn't why I'm still drawn to him. I'm hoping that I find out I'm still attracted to him just because I'm a woman who loves sports and want to find out why we aren't closer friends or at least sports friends. But I still have this deep feeling that I really like him. And that's so absurd because he is so not attracted to me in anyway. I hate that I always get attracted to the wrong guys. They may be "right guys" in the sense that they're good guys but they're wrong because they're wrong for me.

Anyway, I just didn't want to deal with this now especially when dating anyone should really be out of the question. I have so much debt to take care of and that means I have to work a lot. I won't have a lot of time. If it's something that God wants for me to do, though, - you know, date someone - then I won't be able to say no to the guy who asks. You know, I need to stop thinking about this and just let God handle it.

It's hard, though, he just looked so amazing with those glasses on, so intelligent and sexy. I'd never seen him with glasses. Plus, he's nine years older; I'm too immature for that to work out. Again, so stupid to be attracted to him - so I'll have to do my best to not be. :-) But I can't promise that if he invites me to a ballgame that I won't go (and of course I will make sure that I pay for the ticket this time even if he got them for free). I'll just have to be myself but on my best behavior, too. Maybe he'll have a girlfriend by then and he'll be totally unavailable. That would be very helpful for me to not like him - in any way. Please, please, please, Lord. Give him a girlfriend (a nice one who may end up his wife one day). And help me to be attracted to the right guys for me. I just want to be attracted to the one that you have created to live in eternity with me; the one who you created me for. That's all. Amen.