...in every way but one. I mean, it's as if I forget that there are only 24 hours in a day! What am I thinking? I work three days a week from 9 a.m.-10 p.m. at two very different jobs. The other two weekdays I work and then do two Bible studies. Essentially, I am gone from home from 8:45 a.m.-at least 10 p.m. during the week. Also, most Saturdays are spent at the studio from 11 a.m.- 4 p.m. My Sundays are now committed to be at church for most of the day.
What am I doing with my time? This is a good reason why I have no quiet time with the Lord anymore. It isn't that these things I'm committed to are so bad. They are all good things but there's too many of them. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend; I'm not around enough to know if I like someone and if they like me back. I'm just not that available. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Tonight will be nice. Our Bible study is getting together for dinner instead of study; which only means that it will be a little shorter. I love our Bible study and what we're studying but it's so nice to have an evening where all I have to do is eat and then go home. I have the opportunity today to be home before 9 p.m. - that's unheard of on a weeknight for me.
I'm enjoying teaching at the studio but I'm not enjoying the two different jobs. It's too difficult. But I haven't found anything full-time that will make me financially comfortable and stimulate me. I wish I knew what to do next - what to apply to, what to study, what to strive for. I'm so confused. I have no clear path but to keep doing what I'm doing. I just wish that something really good will happen (and when I say something, I'm thinking financially for the most part - new job, win the lottery, get out of debt sooner). That's a lot of stress. If I could just become a better steward of my money - which is arguably not mine - then maybe I can focus a little better.
2.28.2006
2.20.2006
The Last Days...
...of officially being in my 20's has begun. Well, it began 337 days ago...and if you're more technical, it began 9 years and 337 days ago (I'm too tired to figure out the exact amount of days). For me, though, it officially started Saturday - which marked 30 days until my 30th birthday.
For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.
Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)
For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.
Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)
2.14.2006
Countdown #4
34 days and counting... :-)
I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)
I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)
I have a date...
...with the Sandman. You know how I was all complaining about not having a date for Valentine's? Well, that is so last season. I just want to sleep...sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm exhausted. My eyes feel like they are bowling balls (thank goodness for Mary Kay's Indulge Soothing Eye Mask! Otherwise, I'd look like a raccoon who met the varmit's version of Rocky).
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
2.08.2006
Just another day...
...another ordinary day. Huh? Yeah, days aren't ever ordinary for me. But today isn't super emotional or interesting either. I'll take that...when I can get it. So I like today - a lot.
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
2.07.2006
Rollercoaster, baby!
That is what my life is...a non-stop rollercoaster. One day it's the fastest in the world; the next day it's the scariest with mind-blowing drops; and then the day after that it can be more of a kiddie ride. Seriously, it's no wonder I was exhausted yesterday. I slept for 16 hours. I had trouble focusing my eyes and not getting dizzy. I didn't have a cough, sneezed, or had any sort of temperature. I just couldn't clear my head. Today, I feel like a whole new person! I guess that I just needed to rest. And rest I did...16 hours!
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
2.03.2006
Why am I so stupid?
Seriously, why am I so stupid? I'm not talking about in the intelligence way - although you could argue that it could have a little to do with it. I just opened up about something today to a few friends. I admitted that I like this other person. I don't even know why I'm attracted to him because he doesn't really know that I exist - in that way. I have to be cryptic here because, though I don't think he'll ever read this blog, I can't let him know. I'll feel stupid and like a fool. But I have to admit that I want to get to know him better. I'm curious about him past what everyone sees on the outside but I'm never ever around him. Maybe once every couple months. Really, I think that the attraction is partly physical but mostly, it's curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat - so why can't I let it go? We're probably not compatible in a romantic way but that still doesn't make me want to not want to get to know him.
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
2.02.2006
Is the desert calling?
He leads us on by paths we did not know; Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow, Though oft we faint and falter on the way, Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;Yet when the clouds are gone,We know He leads us on. He leads us on through all the unquiet years; Past all our dreamland hopes, and doubts and fears, He guides our steps, through all the tangled maze Of losses, sorrows, and o'er clouded days;We know His will is done;And still He leads us on. - Nicholaus Ludwig Zinzendorf
Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.
The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.
Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.
The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
