As I get ready for bed late tonight, I can't help but think about tomorrow's schedule. I am participating in Hoosiers Outrun Cancer. Dave and I along with a few other friends will be walking it in support of cancer research and cures.
Now though, I have thoughts of my stepdad's success against it...my grandmother's success and now reappearance of it...and my grandfather's continuing 8 year fight against it. Cancer has invaded my family; it is close to my heart. It is also hard to deal with or acknowledge...except for times like tonight, when I can't help but think of the battle that my family is waging against it...or has waged against it. When I let myself, I remember Thanksgiving 2003 when mom and I almost lost Dave. Had it not been for my mom's excellent nursing skills and staunch determination and avid prayer, my stepdad would not be here today.
I was talking to a friend last night...and during the conversation it dawned on me that some people just don't understand something so serious as cancer or car accidents unless they are directly affected or experience it. It just isn't easy at all. Even with faith and miracle healings, it is still not easy to handle before, during or afterward. It's ugly, hurtful, depressing and draining...it consumes your life. But as much as you may want that person or persons to understand it like you do, you just couldn't wish the same on them. You don't want them to know what you know firsthand...you just wouldn't wish that on your worst enemy, as the cliche goes.
I know I'm rambling a little but I am getting to my point: we just don't know what is around the corner, who will be in our lives for awhile/for a season, we don't have the same experiences. As I was reflecting about tomorrow's walk these thoughts occured to me...and then I realized that Nike is smarter than they realize: Life is short. We need to play hard in this life...live it to the fullest...take the risks and the chances God asks us to...obey His calling...and put ourselves in someone else's shoes so as not to judge them unfairly...but to know how to love them more.
Yes, my family has been affected by a disease with no real cure. But we have survived the hardship; and we will keep fighting, play hard. And tomorrow, though it's only 3.1 miles, we will walk to show our resiliance and our fight against a disease that may invade our bodies, but not our souls.
9.26.2009
9.16.2009
A Lone People
I feel that I need to share my weekend and what I've thought about since then. I was cursed and blessed but it's more that I grew to know more about loneliness that I'm thankful for. I know; that might sound kinda depressing but it's really not. It is more that I came to truly know more about it and the compassionate response to change the way I am. Though I know some freinds and others who may not know the following about me may be surprised, I feel that I need to share it. Anywho...
To begin, Friday was one of the worst night's I've had in awhile, and I'm not exaggerating. It began well enough as I helped with the weekly Dunia dinner and met many international students. Truly, it was a wonderful dinner. But what transpired afterwards is what helped me to spiral downward, to a deep depression. And really nothing in particular happened...I just couldn't find anyone to be with. I had felt it coming earlier in the day, as I sometimes do. It is not a first for me. But with the Dunia dinner, I thought that I'd be able to stave it off this time. Once it was over though, everything started to fade fast. First, I tried calling 3 friends, no answer. Then I called my mom, no answer. I even called my dad, he answered but for some reason didn't help me feel better. And then it happened...I thought to call my grandmother. It stayed a thought as in the next moment, I lost my strength (what little was left) and just started to cry. It was a strong cry...I shouted it, really crying, not holding back. And if felt so deep and so very painful. It wasn't just my grandmother's cancer returning, the "no answers" of other phone calls turned into "it's because they don't like me anymore" and "somehow I'm never good enough to be kept as a friend for long" and "they must have more fun without me now." None of it is true...not in the least bit. But I was on such a humble and God given high that Satan was bringing out the big guns, attacking me with all he had to take away my joy...and he was winning. But he only won Friday night's battle, not the weekend-long war. I tried to watch movies and check facebook and read Biblical passages, but the depression was deep-seeded and I had no strength to defend myself...so I cried until my body collapsed in sleep. It was not one of my better nights as a Jesus-lover...which was a thought that I had...how could I feel so worthless and depressed if I loved God so much that I was sharing His love, that very thing, to a small group in my home the night before?
It was in the morning that I realized why Satan had attacked me so hard...I was a threat to him because I was fully listening and being obedient to God's will. It was clear within 20 minutes of the small group Thursday evening that God did indeed lead me to share my home with the very people who were there that Thursday night. If you believe in signs, then it was the biggest flashing green light that God could've given me. To me, I think about it as a God-incidence. It was destined to be...I was destined to lead that small group. And as Satan watched, he also knew that the very subject God was facilitating through my little person was something that was a weakness for me, too. Something that I had dealt with and knew intimately and was sharing all that I had been taught by God...what He blessed me with He was blessing others through me...and Satan just couldn't have that...so he attacked, hard.
But the attack didn't last long...like an earthquake there were a few aftershocks so a few friends were hurt. But nothing was damaged permanently. I had tried to take control for awhile and change my lonely heart by creating an event in which to have friends over, two of which didn't end up coming and that was enough to thwart my shaky plan even though there were 8 others there that were having a wonderful time. The ground I was on did not have a solid foundation because I was the one building it...and I let it show to a few people around me. So not fair to any of them. But by the end, God showed me undeserved Grace and I let Him have control again. Satan's attack was stopped. Oh, and these friends are some if not THE best friends anyone could have...they never judged me or hit back. They just forgave me and loved me for who I was, for better or for worse.
Then came one of the most glorious days that I've ever had...that is not exaggerating either. Though I cried myself to sleep around 2 a.m., I was up and at church by 8 a.m. (well, 8:13 to be exact). I was blessed by the service; then blessed by the 9 a.m. class I took; then blessed again by a second service and getting to spend time with two people I will always cherish and look up to as spiritual leaders. That was just the beginning! The drive back to Bloomington took my breath away and for the first time in years I truly felt a sense of peace, the kind that it is written "beyond understanding"...the last time I'd felt that peace was in a little room in Honduras on a lake in 2003. I felt that I was glowing with God's light in my car and I was so happy. It got better! I spent some great time with my best friend Jen at a movie and then ate dinner with her family, which we rarely ever get any time together. Then after that, another friend, one that is new to my life, came over to watch a movie that blessed both of us. We drank wine and water from my Aunt Crissy's crystal she gave to me and I ended my day in complete peace and love. It was the first time in a very long time that I did not want the day to end...ever!
Since my cursed and blessed weekend, God has led me to several passages of scripture through divine appointment or friends or family...and they have all taught me two things: I'm never alone in my loneliness, and I'm never alone. There are other events that transpired to help me look outside myself. And it's this conclusion that has taken hold of my heart and my compassion to change the way I am: there are so many more people that are truly, truly alone...because they do not know the hope they could have...because they do not know Christ. As painful as Friday and parts of Saturday and so many other times in my life have been, nothing could compare to the pain of not knowing Christ and going through life without knowing Him. I don't know that kind of pain; but a lot of people do.
You know where I'm going with this...or, I assume you do or have a pretty good idea if you know me. As a social person, I have been so entwined in my friendships that I haven't focused on the one thing that God has called us all to: to love His people....and I don't mean just you and I. I mean the people that He died for too. Not just you or I but those who don't know Him or have rejected Him or who have never even heard of Him in any way. As lonely or as much as sometimes I can get depressed, nothing is worse in this life than going through life without Jesus, without hope, without true love, without mercy, without grace. And no matter how hard and how many ways Satan tries to attack me and steal my joy, I know that he can never win because I know God. But so many other people don't have Him in their artillery. And I'm one of the people who are helping Satan destroy lives by not sharing JEsus or caring enough to show His love to those who are still lost.
It is still hard at times (as obvious in this note above) to be so socially-wired and to know that a year ago so many more people were central to my life than they are now. It can be difficult to pick up the phone wanting to call to talk to certain people and know that you can't...too much has changed and your lives have gone on different paths. But what is taking over more than the sadness and anger of so many changes, is knowing that these people who I am still friends with know God. Know Christ. Filled with the Holy Spirit. And that some of the time I no longer spend with them is being replaced with those who don't know God. Don't Know Christ. Don't know the Holy Spirit. People He trusts me to give His precious love to.
And isn't that so much more important than playing Frisbee Golf every time there's a text?; isn't it more important than being one of the first people to be invited to every get together?; isn't it more important to find the one that was lost, than to hang out with those that are not?
Jesus says it is; and He's helping me to truly balance that with still being me. The me that God so carefully and precisely created. The me that I'm beginning to appreciate...even with all my little earthquakes. The me that God says is perfect and that He trusts with the lives of His people. It's an honor; and it humbles me in the light of my recent great depression to be more compassionate and purposeful in sharing Him with others...not passionate about the next party I'm invited to or the next frisbee golf outing or the next spiritual event. There is a time and place for all of that...but there has to be time for The Great Commission.
And I wasn't making any time for that. I see that so clearly now...so I'm thankful for my recent pruning, humbling and for the blessings. I needed them all to learn more about how to truly love. Something that I can do a lot more of. :-)
To begin, Friday was one of the worst night's I've had in awhile, and I'm not exaggerating. It began well enough as I helped with the weekly Dunia dinner and met many international students. Truly, it was a wonderful dinner. But what transpired afterwards is what helped me to spiral downward, to a deep depression. And really nothing in particular happened...I just couldn't find anyone to be with. I had felt it coming earlier in the day, as I sometimes do. It is not a first for me. But with the Dunia dinner, I thought that I'd be able to stave it off this time. Once it was over though, everything started to fade fast. First, I tried calling 3 friends, no answer. Then I called my mom, no answer. I even called my dad, he answered but for some reason didn't help me feel better. And then it happened...I thought to call my grandmother. It stayed a thought as in the next moment, I lost my strength (what little was left) and just started to cry. It was a strong cry...I shouted it, really crying, not holding back. And if felt so deep and so very painful. It wasn't just my grandmother's cancer returning, the "no answers" of other phone calls turned into "it's because they don't like me anymore" and "somehow I'm never good enough to be kept as a friend for long" and "they must have more fun without me now." None of it is true...not in the least bit. But I was on such a humble and God given high that Satan was bringing out the big guns, attacking me with all he had to take away my joy...and he was winning. But he only won Friday night's battle, not the weekend-long war. I tried to watch movies and check facebook and read Biblical passages, but the depression was deep-seeded and I had no strength to defend myself...so I cried until my body collapsed in sleep. It was not one of my better nights as a Jesus-lover...which was a thought that I had...how could I feel so worthless and depressed if I loved God so much that I was sharing His love, that very thing, to a small group in my home the night before?
It was in the morning that I realized why Satan had attacked me so hard...I was a threat to him because I was fully listening and being obedient to God's will. It was clear within 20 minutes of the small group Thursday evening that God did indeed lead me to share my home with the very people who were there that Thursday night. If you believe in signs, then it was the biggest flashing green light that God could've given me. To me, I think about it as a God-incidence. It was destined to be...I was destined to lead that small group. And as Satan watched, he also knew that the very subject God was facilitating through my little person was something that was a weakness for me, too. Something that I had dealt with and knew intimately and was sharing all that I had been taught by God...what He blessed me with He was blessing others through me...and Satan just couldn't have that...so he attacked, hard.
But the attack didn't last long...like an earthquake there were a few aftershocks so a few friends were hurt. But nothing was damaged permanently. I had tried to take control for awhile and change my lonely heart by creating an event in which to have friends over, two of which didn't end up coming and that was enough to thwart my shaky plan even though there were 8 others there that were having a wonderful time. The ground I was on did not have a solid foundation because I was the one building it...and I let it show to a few people around me. So not fair to any of them. But by the end, God showed me undeserved Grace and I let Him have control again. Satan's attack was stopped. Oh, and these friends are some if not THE best friends anyone could have...they never judged me or hit back. They just forgave me and loved me for who I was, for better or for worse.
Then came one of the most glorious days that I've ever had...that is not exaggerating either. Though I cried myself to sleep around 2 a.m., I was up and at church by 8 a.m. (well, 8:13 to be exact). I was blessed by the service; then blessed by the 9 a.m. class I took; then blessed again by a second service and getting to spend time with two people I will always cherish and look up to as spiritual leaders. That was just the beginning! The drive back to Bloomington took my breath away and for the first time in years I truly felt a sense of peace, the kind that it is written "beyond understanding"...the last time I'd felt that peace was in a little room in Honduras on a lake in 2003. I felt that I was glowing with God's light in my car and I was so happy. It got better! I spent some great time with my best friend Jen at a movie and then ate dinner with her family, which we rarely ever get any time together. Then after that, another friend, one that is new to my life, came over to watch a movie that blessed both of us. We drank wine and water from my Aunt Crissy's crystal she gave to me and I ended my day in complete peace and love. It was the first time in a very long time that I did not want the day to end...ever!
Since my cursed and blessed weekend, God has led me to several passages of scripture through divine appointment or friends or family...and they have all taught me two things: I'm never alone in my loneliness, and I'm never alone. There are other events that transpired to help me look outside myself. And it's this conclusion that has taken hold of my heart and my compassion to change the way I am: there are so many more people that are truly, truly alone...because they do not know the hope they could have...because they do not know Christ. As painful as Friday and parts of Saturday and so many other times in my life have been, nothing could compare to the pain of not knowing Christ and going through life without knowing Him. I don't know that kind of pain; but a lot of people do.
You know where I'm going with this...or, I assume you do or have a pretty good idea if you know me. As a social person, I have been so entwined in my friendships that I haven't focused on the one thing that God has called us all to: to love His people....and I don't mean just you and I. I mean the people that He died for too. Not just you or I but those who don't know Him or have rejected Him or who have never even heard of Him in any way. As lonely or as much as sometimes I can get depressed, nothing is worse in this life than going through life without Jesus, without hope, without true love, without mercy, without grace. And no matter how hard and how many ways Satan tries to attack me and steal my joy, I know that he can never win because I know God. But so many other people don't have Him in their artillery. And I'm one of the people who are helping Satan destroy lives by not sharing JEsus or caring enough to show His love to those who are still lost.
It is still hard at times (as obvious in this note above) to be so socially-wired and to know that a year ago so many more people were central to my life than they are now. It can be difficult to pick up the phone wanting to call to talk to certain people and know that you can't...too much has changed and your lives have gone on different paths. But what is taking over more than the sadness and anger of so many changes, is knowing that these people who I am still friends with know God. Know Christ. Filled with the Holy Spirit. And that some of the time I no longer spend with them is being replaced with those who don't know God. Don't Know Christ. Don't know the Holy Spirit. People He trusts me to give His precious love to.
And isn't that so much more important than playing Frisbee Golf every time there's a text?; isn't it more important than being one of the first people to be invited to every get together?; isn't it more important to find the one that was lost, than to hang out with those that are not?
Jesus says it is; and He's helping me to truly balance that with still being me. The me that God so carefully and precisely created. The me that I'm beginning to appreciate...even with all my little earthquakes. The me that God says is perfect and that He trusts with the lives of His people. It's an honor; and it humbles me in the light of my recent great depression to be more compassionate and purposeful in sharing Him with others...not passionate about the next party I'm invited to or the next frisbee golf outing or the next spiritual event. There is a time and place for all of that...but there has to be time for The Great Commission.
And I wasn't making any time for that. I see that so clearly now...so I'm thankful for my recent pruning, humbling and for the blessings. I needed them all to learn more about how to truly love. Something that I can do a lot more of. :-)
9.03.2009
Insomnia, 3:33 a.m., well, actually 3:20 a.m.
I've been in a haze of sleep and non-sleep for three or so hours now...yet, I've had some of the most deep thoughts in that time period. Now I find myself wide awake, literally, and needed to put those thoughts down. And this time, tonight, it goes on my blog...even though all can see it. I don't mind sharing because I know the ones that want to read it are good friends and want to know me...good and bad...and accept me for both.
I didn't dream per se but I felt as if I were outside my body, thinking and reacting to the events of the last year of my life...since last April specifically...as if I were an objective bystander. It was both a rude awakening and a wonderful acknowledgement.
I haven't spoken or thought much about my car accident for awhile...unless it relates to the insurance settlement. But I reflected on it tonight during my half-sleep. I changed in ways that to some are miniscule but are huge for me. I see the world very differently than before...but I also see that since that day, I've also tried to hold on, desperately, to the way things were, the person I was...not wanting to change, being afraid of it.
But mostly, I see that I was both reckless and confident after the accident. It's hard to explain. Confident is really not the correct word for the second. To put it better maybe is to say that I didn't protect myself so much anymore and allowed myself to actually pursue things that I'd always wanted to...not to imply that those things were bad because they were good...but that in doing so, I see that I pursued a little too much and I've felt the consequences of that. Consequences that have nonetheless taught me many lessons, but I see now could have been avoided if I thought them through at least a little bit.
Put yet another way, during my half-sleep, I see that I went 10 mph, after the accident went 100 miles per hour, but see that if I just went the speed limit, it would've helped alot of things.
One thing though that I reminded myself, too, as I was seeing all these events and their consequences flashing before my eyes, is that I have never believed in regrets. As much as I felt all the bad emotions - guilt, shame, rejection, depression, low self-esteem, etc. - I've never truly regretted anything because I know I am here today because those things happened, because I made those choices.
There are so many choices that we can make....and I believe that God gives us those choices to make. He's given us free will; there is no denying that at the end of the day we have to make a choice. He is not a dictator. He loves us to much to force us to do anything...but He's given us so many outlets to make the right choices. Still, sometimes we don't...and regardless of the choices I've made in the last year, I know that it is okay in His eyes that I didn't make the right choice. I don't think He likes it necessarily, like I don't like making the wrong choice. But it is an opportunity for Him to further show us His Amazing Grace...another way for Him to share His love for us. And, by extention, that shows us so many more ways of how to show grace - His Grace - and love - His Love - to others around us: believers, non-believers, acquaintances, strangers, friends, family.
Every now and again I have a slight pang of regret about something but it never stays long....because the very next second He reminds me of how He worked it out for the good and the fruit that came of it for either me or someone else.
So though I haven't been happy or have completely understood what has happened in the last year...how I did both take chances and promise things that I didn't always follow through with...where I am now, who I am, who I am becoming and the people that are around me now are right where they should be.
I could've gotten here by a different path...but you know? Tonight I realized that I wouldn't change it...even the most difficult parts of the last year. I wouldn't change a thing.
I didn't dream per se but I felt as if I were outside my body, thinking and reacting to the events of the last year of my life...since last April specifically...as if I were an objective bystander. It was both a rude awakening and a wonderful acknowledgement.
I haven't spoken or thought much about my car accident for awhile...unless it relates to the insurance settlement. But I reflected on it tonight during my half-sleep. I changed in ways that to some are miniscule but are huge for me. I see the world very differently than before...but I also see that since that day, I've also tried to hold on, desperately, to the way things were, the person I was...not wanting to change, being afraid of it.
But mostly, I see that I was both reckless and confident after the accident. It's hard to explain. Confident is really not the correct word for the second. To put it better maybe is to say that I didn't protect myself so much anymore and allowed myself to actually pursue things that I'd always wanted to...not to imply that those things were bad because they were good...but that in doing so, I see that I pursued a little too much and I've felt the consequences of that. Consequences that have nonetheless taught me many lessons, but I see now could have been avoided if I thought them through at least a little bit.
Put yet another way, during my half-sleep, I see that I went 10 mph, after the accident went 100 miles per hour, but see that if I just went the speed limit, it would've helped alot of things.
One thing though that I reminded myself, too, as I was seeing all these events and their consequences flashing before my eyes, is that I have never believed in regrets. As much as I felt all the bad emotions - guilt, shame, rejection, depression, low self-esteem, etc. - I've never truly regretted anything because I know I am here today because those things happened, because I made those choices.
There are so many choices that we can make....and I believe that God gives us those choices to make. He's given us free will; there is no denying that at the end of the day we have to make a choice. He is not a dictator. He loves us to much to force us to do anything...but He's given us so many outlets to make the right choices. Still, sometimes we don't...and regardless of the choices I've made in the last year, I know that it is okay in His eyes that I didn't make the right choice. I don't think He likes it necessarily, like I don't like making the wrong choice. But it is an opportunity for Him to further show us His Amazing Grace...another way for Him to share His love for us. And, by extention, that shows us so many more ways of how to show grace - His Grace - and love - His Love - to others around us: believers, non-believers, acquaintances, strangers, friends, family.
Every now and again I have a slight pang of regret about something but it never stays long....because the very next second He reminds me of how He worked it out for the good and the fruit that came of it for either me or someone else.
So though I haven't been happy or have completely understood what has happened in the last year...how I did both take chances and promise things that I didn't always follow through with...where I am now, who I am, who I am becoming and the people that are around me now are right where they should be.
I could've gotten here by a different path...but you know? Tonight I realized that I wouldn't change it...even the most difficult parts of the last year. I wouldn't change a thing.
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