A Lone People

I feel that I need to share my weekend and what I've thought about since then. I was cursed and blessed but it's more that I grew to know more about loneliness that I'm thankful for. I know; that might sound kinda depressing but it's really not. It is more that I came to truly know more about it and the compassionate response to change the way I am. Though I know some freinds and others who may not know the following about me may be surprised, I feel that I need to share it. Anywho...

To begin, Friday was one of the worst night's I've had in awhile, and I'm not exaggerating. It began well enough as I helped with the weekly Dunia dinner and met many international students. Truly, it was a wonderful dinner. But what transpired afterwards is what helped me to spiral downward, to a deep depression. And really nothing in particular happened...I just couldn't find anyone to be with. I had felt it coming earlier in the day, as I sometimes do. It is not a first for me. But with the Dunia dinner, I thought that I'd be able to stave it off this time. Once it was over though, everything started to fade fast. First, I tried calling 3 friends, no answer. Then I called my mom, no answer. I even called my dad, he answered but for some reason didn't help me feel better. And then it happened...I thought to call my grandmother. It stayed a thought as in the next moment, I lost my strength (what little was left) and just started to cry. It was a strong cry...I shouted it, really crying, not holding back. And if felt so deep and so very painful. It wasn't just my grandmother's cancer returning, the "no answers" of other phone calls turned into "it's because they don't like me anymore" and "somehow I'm never good enough to be kept as a friend for long" and "they must have more fun without me now." None of it is true...not in the least bit. But I was on such a humble and God given high that Satan was bringing out the big guns, attacking me with all he had to take away my joy...and he was winning. But he only won Friday night's battle, not the weekend-long war. I tried to watch movies and check facebook and read Biblical passages, but the depression was deep-seeded and I had no strength to defend myself...so I cried until my body collapsed in sleep. It was not one of my better nights as a Jesus-lover...which was a thought that I had...how could I feel so worthless and depressed if I loved God so much that I was sharing His love, that very thing, to a small group in my home the night before?

It was in the morning that I realized why Satan had attacked me so hard...I was a threat to him because I was fully listening and being obedient to God's will. It was clear within 20 minutes of the small group Thursday evening that God did indeed lead me to share my home with the very people who were there that Thursday night. If you believe in signs, then it was the biggest flashing green light that God could've given me. To me, I think about it as a God-incidence. It was destined to be...I was destined to lead that small group. And as Satan watched, he also knew that the very subject God was facilitating through my little person was something that was a weakness for me, too. Something that I had dealt with and knew intimately and was sharing all that I had been taught by God...what He blessed me with He was blessing others through me...and Satan just couldn't have that...so he attacked, hard.

But the attack didn't last long...like an earthquake there were a few aftershocks so a few friends were hurt. But nothing was damaged permanently. I had tried to take control for awhile and change my lonely heart by creating an event in which to have friends over, two of which didn't end up coming and that was enough to thwart my shaky plan even though there were 8 others there that were having a wonderful time. The ground I was on did not have a solid foundation because I was the one building it...and I let it show to a few people around me. So not fair to any of them. But by the end, God showed me undeserved Grace and I let Him have control again. Satan's attack was stopped. Oh, and these friends are some if not THE best friends anyone could have...they never judged me or hit back. They just forgave me and loved me for who I was, for better or for worse.

Then came one of the most glorious days that I've ever had...that is not exaggerating either. Though I cried myself to sleep around 2 a.m., I was up and at church by 8 a.m. (well, 8:13 to be exact). I was blessed by the service; then blessed by the 9 a.m. class I took; then blessed again by a second service and getting to spend time with two people I will always cherish and look up to as spiritual leaders. That was just the beginning! The drive back to Bloomington took my breath away and for the first time in years I truly felt a sense of peace, the kind that it is written "beyond understanding"...the last time I'd felt that peace was in a little room in Honduras on a lake in 2003. I felt that I was glowing with God's light in my car and I was so happy. It got better! I spent some great time with my best friend Jen at a movie and then ate dinner with her family, which we rarely ever get any time together. Then after that, another friend, one that is new to my life, came over to watch a movie that blessed both of us. We drank wine and water from my Aunt Crissy's crystal she gave to me and I ended my day in complete peace and love. It was the first time in a very long time that I did not want the day to end...ever!

Since my cursed and blessed weekend, God has led me to several passages of scripture through divine appointment or friends or family...and they have all taught me two things: I'm never alone in my loneliness, and I'm never alone. There are other events that transpired to help me look outside myself. And it's this conclusion that has taken hold of my heart and my compassion to change the way I am: there are so many more people that are truly, truly alone...because they do not know the hope they could have...because they do not know Christ. As painful as Friday and parts of Saturday and so many other times in my life have been, nothing could compare to the pain of not knowing Christ and going through life without knowing Him. I don't know that kind of pain; but a lot of people do.

You know where I'm going with this...or, I assume you do or have a pretty good idea if you know me. As a social person, I have been so entwined in my friendships that I haven't focused on the one thing that God has called us all to: to love His people....and I don't mean just you and I. I mean the people that He died for too. Not just you or I but those who don't know Him or have rejected Him or who have never even heard of Him in any way. As lonely or as much as sometimes I can get depressed, nothing is worse in this life than going through life without Jesus, without hope, without true love, without mercy, without grace. And no matter how hard and how many ways Satan tries to attack me and steal my joy, I know that he can never win because I know God. But so many other people don't have Him in their artillery. And I'm one of the people who are helping Satan destroy lives by not sharing JEsus or caring enough to show His love to those who are still lost.

It is still hard at times (as obvious in this note above) to be so socially-wired and to know that a year ago so many more people were central to my life than they are now. It can be difficult to pick up the phone wanting to call to talk to certain people and know that you can't...too much has changed and your lives have gone on different paths. But what is taking over more than the sadness and anger of so many changes, is knowing that these people who I am still friends with know God. Know Christ. Filled with the Holy Spirit. And that some of the time I no longer spend with them is being replaced with those who don't know God. Don't Know Christ. Don't know the Holy Spirit. People He trusts me to give His precious love to.

And isn't that so much more important than playing Frisbee Golf every time there's a text?; isn't it more important than being one of the first people to be invited to every get together?; isn't it more important to find the one that was lost, than to hang out with those that are not?

Jesus says it is; and He's helping me to truly balance that with still being me. The me that God so carefully and precisely created. The me that I'm beginning to appreciate...even with all my little earthquakes. The me that God says is perfect and that He trusts with the lives of His people. It's an honor; and it humbles me in the light of my recent great depression to be more compassionate and purposeful in sharing Him with others...not passionate about the next party I'm invited to or the next frisbee golf outing or the next spiritual event. There is a time and place for all of that...but there has to be time for The Great Commission.

And I wasn't making any time for that. I see that so clearly now...so I'm thankful for my recent pruning, humbling and for the blessings. I needed them all to learn more about how to truly love. Something that I can do a lot more of. :-)