Insomnia, 3:33 a.m., well, actually 3:20 a.m.

I've been in a haze of sleep and non-sleep for three or so hours now...yet, I've had some of the most deep thoughts in that time period. Now I find myself wide awake, literally, and needed to put those thoughts down. And this time, tonight, it goes on my blog...even though all can see it. I don't mind sharing because I know the ones that want to read it are good friends and want to know me...good and bad...and accept me for both.

I didn't dream per se but I felt as if I were outside my body, thinking and reacting to the events of the last year of my life...since last April specifically...as if I were an objective bystander. It was both a rude awakening and a wonderful acknowledgement.

I haven't spoken or thought much about my car accident for awhile...unless it relates to the insurance settlement. But I reflected on it tonight during my half-sleep. I changed in ways that to some are miniscule but are huge for me. I see the world very differently than before...but I also see that since that day, I've also tried to hold on, desperately, to the way things were, the person I was...not wanting to change, being afraid of it.

But mostly, I see that I was both reckless and confident after the accident. It's hard to explain. Confident is really not the correct word for the second. To put it better maybe is to say that I didn't protect myself so much anymore and allowed myself to actually pursue things that I'd always wanted to...not to imply that those things were bad because they were good...but that in doing so, I see that I pursued a little too much and I've felt the consequences of that. Consequences that have nonetheless taught me many lessons, but I see now could have been avoided if I thought them through at least a little bit.

Put yet another way, during my half-sleep, I see that I went 10 mph, after the accident went 100 miles per hour, but see that if I just went the speed limit, it would've helped alot of things.

One thing though that I reminded myself, too, as I was seeing all these events and their consequences flashing before my eyes, is that I have never believed in regrets. As much as I felt all the bad emotions - guilt, shame, rejection, depression, low self-esteem, etc. - I've never truly regretted anything because I know I am here today because those things happened, because I made those choices.

There are so many choices that we can make....and I believe that God gives us those choices to make. He's given us free will; there is no denying that at the end of the day we have to make a choice. He is not a dictator. He loves us to much to force us to do anything...but He's given us so many outlets to make the right choices. Still, sometimes we don't...and regardless of the choices I've made in the last year, I know that it is okay in His eyes that I didn't make the right choice. I don't think He likes it necessarily, like I don't like making the wrong choice. But it is an opportunity for Him to further show us His Amazing Grace...another way for Him to share His love for us. And, by extention, that shows us so many more ways of how to show grace - His Grace - and love - His Love - to others around us: believers, non-believers, acquaintances, strangers, friends, family.

Every now and again I have a slight pang of regret about something but it never stays long....because the very next second He reminds me of how He worked it out for the good and the fruit that came of it for either me or someone else.

So though I haven't been happy or have completely understood what has happened in the last year...how I did both take chances and promise things that I didn't always follow through with...where I am now, who I am, who I am becoming and the people that are around me now are right where they should be.

I could've gotten here by a different path...but you know? Tonight I realized that I wouldn't change it...even the most difficult parts of the last year. I wouldn't change a thing.