Frustration...and everything else

Every year it's the same: no date for New Year's. Not that it's really that important, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend so all of these holidays wouldn't be so lonely. I now have a lot of friends who are "attached" in some way. And if they aren't, they still end up having a date on New Year's. I will be home, alone with our dog for New Year's. How pathetic is that?

There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.

It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?

And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.

Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).

To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.

Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).

And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.

Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.

Relief...

That's what I felt when he walked in. That's all I felt. No butterflies, no super excitement, just relief. And, at this moment (a couple hours after having lunch with him, Barbara and Matt), I'm comfortable and my mind is clear. I know now that we are meant to be friends and that's all.

It's such a big relief; although, I'm back at square one. But at least I have some answers and can move on with my life. I might go visit him but if there happens to be any lingering feelings on his end that I cannot return, that will have to stop right quick.

The problem is that everyone loved him. "He's such a doll!" "What a nice guy!" "He's a neat guy and intelligent." Yes, he is all those things but for some reason the thought of him and I as anything but friends is not appealing. It turns me off. Why? I have no clue. I don't pretend to know or be able to figure it out. And, then it's also comforting to know that there are really good people in this world that you just aren't meant to be with. It happens.

Actually, I'm a little excited now because since this book is the perverbial "closed," a new one is opening. New beginning, new possibilities, new experiences. I know that one day I'll be with a man that the feelings are mutual completely. That'll be the man that God wants me to be with forever. I can't wait to finally meet him. :-)

Just Closure

I just needed closure, that's it. No other feelings. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't expect what I felt...nothing out of the ordinary. I'm okay with it but it was pretty unexpected with how excited I was to see him.

One of my coworkers put it in perspective for me by using an old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's true but usually when the person returns, there's mutual feelings. It didn't happen in this case - on my end anyway. I'll keep an open mind but unless God changes my heart, we're just good friends.

No more waiting.... :0)

It's finally happened. He called my cell. Yippee! I'm so excited that he's coming. I should return the favor, too. If he wants me to visit, I will find the time to do so, period.

Of course, I can't let him know exactly why I want to see him but we'll catch up at least. And I'll have other guests to consider but it should be a good time. I hope he arrives before the party starts so that we can chat a little before everyone comes.

I'm just really happy that he's coming - no matter what happens afterward.

Tiffany

Caller ID

Sometimes I wonder if Caller ID is a good thing. I mean, it tells you who called but if they didn't leave a message your brain goes into overdrive thinking about why.

Well, my friend called last night (the one I've made the subject of my last two entries) but didn't leave a message - again. Not saying, "Hey, I've been calling. Call me back when you get this if it's at such and such a time...", etc., etc. No, I just see his number on my Caller ID of missed messages.

And I already left him a message that calling my cell phone is much better because I'm never home anymore. Apparently, he never got that message. I guess that I'm just happy that he's tried to get a hold of me. So on one hand I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn't going to call again but on the other I wish he'd be more persistent with getting a hold of me by using the right number.

So, today I'll call him and hopefully we'll actually speak. :-)

Playing the waiting game

I'm starting to get bad at playing the waiting game. I'm tired of thinking about things too much and trying to always be patient. I know that it is a virtue and that it is a good one to have. Sometimes it is difficult to uphold because you get hurt by people not responding to you in the right - or any - way.

Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?

Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.

Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.

And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.

Good talk...

A friend of mine called last night and we chatted for awhile. He's one of the leaders in my Tuesday Bible study. He mainly called to ask me about ballroom classes for him and his new friend. However, I, of course, turned it into a conversation about my stuff. I tried not to but I did. I was really tired and he did ask me a few questions. People need to learn not to ask me so many questions; it makes me talk too much and about stuff that they probably don't care about.

Anyhoo, I ended up talking about the musical and then about my party - to which he discerned that my frustration was about a certain guy friend of mine. He said his name just like that. Apparently, I've told more people about this person than I thought. I mean he knew exactly who I was talking about. This person does frustrate me even though I miss him. I think that I just need to see him one more time before I can have closure on anything between us. Who knows? Maybe there is something still there but I highly doubt it. I'm sure he's moved on and has a new girlfriend (or hooked back up with the one he broke up with late last year). Still, I realize that I need closure on the whole thing - otherwise I'll still keep thinking about him and asking myself, "What if?" I'm tired of "what if's?" and not being able to move on. And - I have to move on. I have to be comfortable getting close to somebody. I trusted this guy but for some reason couldn't allow myself to get close to him. I feel like I can now but that's dumb because it would be a long distance relationship and he probably has no feelings other than friendship towards me. Anyway, my phone friend listened to all this like a true friend should. I appreciated that.

Calm after the storm

Aaaahhhh. That's me - breathing again. It turns out that all that stress and busyness and running around paid off handsomely. The Musical went well; the girls did a great job! We all received several compliments - including a special one from Peggy Welch. It was a really good day.

After the musical, Alisa had Jen and I join her for brunch at her place. She made us these wonderful scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausage, fruit and cinnamon rolls (light Pillsbury). I broke down and had a whole one. It was a small cheat on my new food lifestyle but it didn't ruin it. I can cheat sometimes; I just have to be careful to not cheat a lot. I have to be very good this week because I'm planning to cheat a little next Sunday at my Christmas party. My friend Jen is bringing a Lemon Meringue Pie. It will be her first so I want to be able to eat a bit. Plus the Portuguese dish I'm making has one thing in it that I'm not supposed to have anymore: French bread. So, that's two cheats in one day. I will be okay though.

After brunch we went to see "Dreamer" together. It was so nice to spend some time with a couple of my close friends. I was so busy that I didn't talk to anybody; of course, no one called me or returned my phone calls when I did so that was another reason. I really needed to be with people. I was really tired but my need to relax with friends was stronger than my need to sleep. And, I did get home and go to bed pretty early so I got plenty of rest. Well, sort of. I'm pretty tired right now. I have five lessons tonight, too. I just will need to go home as early as I can and go straight to bed. We have been having meetings after work Monday nights but I'm going to politely ask to go home. I really need to rest up.

I hope this week turns out to be as calm as I think it will be. The only thing that I really have to do for my party is my weekly apartment cleaning and making the soupas. Everything else is done. It's so nice to finally have a lighter week. I'll still be busy but not stressed like the last three weeks. :-) That is a very good thing. :-)

All things pure and white

How come it's so hard to find white dresses, skirts, pants or tops when this is the season where white blankets the land? It really shouldn't be this hard. I'm still searching for white "costumes" for my angels in the musical this weekend. We have dress rehearsal tonight and all I can find are white sweats and see-through white tops. It's a bit frustrating. And then I look outside, it's snowing today. We weren't supposed to get snow in this area. It was supposed to be all up north. I'm glad that they were wrong. It puts a smile on my face to see the trees frosted with snow. It is so beautiful to me that it's hard to think negatively or stay frustrated. Snow reminds me of all that is pure and right in the world. It's a reminder that God is still in control; and it reminds me of His promises to us.

There is a song, too, that is running through my head. I absolutely adore it! I would like to dance to it but it really isn't a ballroom dance-type song. It's more of a lyrical or freestyle song. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. I just love it: the lyrics, music, her voice, everything. It reminds me that each day is a new day: a blank page, pure, unwritten. You can make it whatever you want. It's good for us to be reminded of that because life is so fickle and fleeting. However, it can't take away that there are only 24 hours in a day; that a new day is always a new beginning, a new chance to live better.

6 months, 7 days and counting...

or 219 days and counting...
or 31.28 weeks and counting...
or 5,256 hours and counting...
or 315,360 minutes and counting...
or 18,921,600 seconds and counting...

UNTIL...Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest releases in theatres.

July 7, 2006!

I'm only a little excited. :-)

Woo Hoo! for after Thanksgiving sales!

Don't be jealous...all of my Christmas shopping and decorating are done - including wrapping the gifts! There are five gifts I need but I'm ordering them from the internet (actually, I did earlier today). It's so exciting to have all of this done! It's a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe...at least a little.

I also was able to find someone else to do my solo for this weekend. I could've done it but not the way I wanted. The young woman who is doing it will do a great job so I'm okay with not doing it. I have too much to do this week between the other part of the musical, both jobs and cleaning for my mom's Christmas party this next weekend. It was such an answer to prayer to have her come up to me after church Sunday. I literally prayed in church Sunday morning for a sign, an answer to what He wanted me to do about it all. His answer: was to give me rest and piece of mind by having Kaila do it. I'll have another opportunity at a better time.

I'm really excited about the IU/Duke game this Wednesday. I took off work in the evening to go but the tickets I thought I had I don't have. And, of course, I can't afford other tickets so I'll be enjoying the game at home. For a split second, I thought about booking lessons until 8:15 p.m. (game starts at 9 p.m.). However, I realized that I would need this little break where I could go home, relax (meaning take a nap) and enjoy the game. Tonight, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday are going to be crazy. I need one crazi-less day somewhere in there. Wednesday is the only one available. I already negotiated for it off anyway.

Seriously, if I can get past this week in one piece I then can start breathing again normally. I have my Christmas party the following weekend (Dec. 11) but the only things I'll have to do for that is make the Soupas and do the weekly cleaning of my apartment. I've already decorated, wrapped all the party gifts and did some deep cleaning this week. I'll really just have to touch up everything.

I can't wait for Sunday at 12:00 p.m. to get here. :-) That's the exact moment I can start breathing again. :-)

Tiffany

Shall we dance?

Yesterday was the first time I have been to an Arthur Murray Showcase event in over 3 1/2 years. Some things have changed and some have stayed the same. But mostly, I learned a few very important things.

One - I've grown up, a lot, since then. It was fun, relaxing and not so serious this time. Yes, it was still about the students and them having a good time but there wasn't the pressure as before. Everyone seemed more comfortable, confident (except for Barbara, of course). She has to be a little stressed so that she makes sure that everything goes great for the day and the students. However, I thought of something really good for next time. Somebody (a staff member) needs to get up there early (at least an hour) to get things set up and ready before students start arriving. We didn't leave until 10 a.m. To be honest, we really should have left around 9 a.m. (no later than 9:30 a.m.) or had gone up the day before so we'd be able to get there first thing. This would've given us time to set up the camera, save tables, etc. If I'm still at the studio in February (I have stopped planning for the long term; it's day to day for me now because you never know what is going to happen), I'd be willing to do this - especially since now I have a friend who lives up there and would love to have the company. It'll lower Barbara's stress level and ensure an even more comfortable, stress-free day for the students. We would just be better prepared all around.

Two - I like my body the way it is. Yes, I still want to eat healthier and continue my workout goal to increase the support for my lower back. But I don't want to be like some of the girls who are teaching at some of the other schools. They are so teeny tiny that it makes them look anorexic. I'm positive that they are not anorexic or bulemic because a lot of dancers and people in general have high metabolisms. One of the reasons why some dancers are so tiny is that they have danced their whole lives and that has trained their body to use the food they eat quickly because of their high exercise and energy level everyday. But I used to want to be that small. No more. I watched a few performances of these tiny ladies and all I could see were how small they were and how I thought it was really unattractive. I couldn't even pay much attention to the dances (which, I have to say, of the ones I could focus on, were all really fantastic). This is only my opinion - I don't intend to persuade anyone to think like me. However, it is concerning to see how small some people can be - especially if they are a taller individual - and how our society pushes this unhealthy look upon our children. Yes, we need to somehow curb the obesity issues that are permeating our culture/country but not to the extent that we tell our kids to go on diets and to not eat. We just need to make sure they eat healthier and are active outside the home. It is up to the parents to be focused on this. They have to desire this for their kids, otherwise their kids won't desire it for themselves. Also, I love television but it's not really a good thing. It's okay to watch it but our society is made up primarily of couch potatoes now and that has a lot to do with the state of our health and the health of our kids.

Three - I have a different perspective and desire for dancing. It's supposed to be fun, easy and give you a sense of well-being. That's how I'm approaching my teaching now. People don't need 30 million steps. They need to learn how to dance and manuever around the dance floor while still having fun. I've always taught this way to an extent but after a break from all of it (I really was burnt out and I really couldn't physically teach all day anymore), I've learned that I need to be more focused on teaching this way. We all need a little more fun in life because we don't know what tomorrow brings. We need to laugh, be light-hearted and let go of things more often than we do. This is something that I need to take seriously on a personal level. If I make a mistake, it's okay. If I get up in front of everyone at the next event and do a pro-show and mess up; it's okay. It's all for fun. There should be no pressure on my partner or myself to perform perfectly. Its' for fun so it should look as good as it can for the students but not to the point that it's stress-filled - which I used to make it. That is going to change starting now.

Four - My break was necessary. I learned things that I never would have had I stayed. I'm convinced, too, that I would've burnt a lot of bridges and maybe even have suffered a mental and physical breakdown. I've learned that there are reasons that certain things happen to you in life at the times they happen. You can't see them coming, either - which is a good thing. Otherwise, we'd never learn; which means we'd never grow; and that means we'd always stay in the same place. That is just so depressing to realize. Who wants to be mediocre for their whole life? I don't know anyone who claims that their goal is to be mediocre in life.

Five - Life is short. Take advantage of the good times but don't forget about your responsibilities. It's you who makes or breaks your goals. Don't overextend yourself but don't pass up the opportunity to do things you love. Otherwise, you can become an unpleasant person, unsatisfied and depressed. Pay attention to the people you love, forgive them always, help them when times are difficult (even if you have to give them advice that they need but don't want), pray for them by name and walk through life in a way that God will tell you at those amazingly beautiful pearly gates, "Well done, My child. Welcome." Because this life really is fleeting; we die. But we can have eternal life if we want it.

It's really not that hard. We just seem to want to make it hard; as if we have to to work for it. We don't; He forgives always. It isn't something we earn; He just gives it. Remember that.

The Sky Is Falling!

You have to go to this website: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/chickenlittle/. It is so funny! I really want to see the movie (yeah, I know, I'm 29). But it looks so funny and a great family movie (like The Incredibles). You can even download a dancing chicken on your computer to be your background. People at work love mine.

Check it out!

What is time anyway?

How come we have to abide by time but our Creator, God, can be timeless? Sometimes I find myself wishing that time didn't exist. I know, I know. We need time to do everything everyday. Time is the underlying thing of everything: when you get up in the morning, when you have to be at work, when you eat, when you pick up the kids, when you go to sleep, etc. Everything has a time limit.

To be honest, I'm usually early at everything (sometimes a little too early). But I'd like to not feel so oppressed by time - meaning all aspects of time like age, clock and year. Plus, our time is never really spent the most valuable way. When you are at work you are supposed to work that entire time - but there are a lot of times at work where it's "slow" and you don't have anything to do. Some companies frown on filling that time with other things; but if you have no work to do, then you're wasting that time.

You see? It's a vicious cycle; and one that I wish I could figure out for myself. I want to find a better use for my time. I'm not exactly sure if writing on my blog is an accurate use of my time but at least it fills it. :-)

There's a song...

...in Ballroom Dancing titled, "Fascination." It's a waltz rhythm and if you sang it, it would sound like this reads: Fascinaaaation. Well, I've had this song running through my head for a while now but instead of Fascination, it's saying Procrastinaaaaation. Wow! I have 8 days to finish my story. Why do I do this to myself? I have no time tomorrow, Sunday or next week. The only time I have is Saturday. You can bet that I'll be glued to my computer Saturday. It shouldn't take me long to finish writing it; it's the ten edits I'll have to do that takes the time.

I'm really having to take a much bigger look at the life right now. There is so much going on; which is good. However, it's a little jumbled right now. I just wonder how or if it's ever going to clear up. I know that God has given me direction but it's kind of like the Central Valley in the early morning: foggy. And Tully Fog, at that. If you don't know what Tully (too-lee) Fog is, here's a basic description: take the densest fog you've ever been through and multiply it by 10 times - that's Tully Fog. No kidding. I've driven through what they call bad fog here and it's not even close to Tully Fog. Tully fog is like having cumulonimbus clouds on the ground. Seriously, it's scary. Not only do you take your life into your hands if you try to drive through it; but you do the same if you try to walk at all. You can't see anything. Zip, zero, zilch. It's creepy, too, because it's almost as if it's choking you. You breathe it because it completely surrounds you. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. Definitely not one of the things I miss about California's Central Valley.

On the other hand, there's a few things I miss about living in CA: Monterey and The Sierra Nevadas. CA has everything - mountains, valleys, beaches, forests and even the desert. I've tried to take a yearly trip to Monterey but this year was out due to my job outlook. I love spending time there. It's so relaxing and always refreshes me. I like to go by myself, too. It would be nice to have a friend along with me but it's okay to be there alone. You can drive as far as you want and do what you want when you want. The only drawback is eating at a restaurant. It's a little weird dining alone but usually that feeling passes quickly for me. I have found that when dining alone in a nice restaurant, you get really fabulous service (which also means you end up leaving a bigger tip - but it's all worth the attention and good service).

I like to camp in the mountains, too. My family used to take really great camping trips near Lake Tahoe. We fished, rested in the tents, played vicious games of UNO around the campfire at night, told stories, laughed and ate the best smores ever. It was one of my favorite times of the year (if not the favorite). I want to have traditions and stuff like that for my kids, my future family. They might be a little different than when I was a kid but I want to have them nonetheless. I know that it is so important to remember where you came from and who you really are. I want to give that to my kids (if God blesses me with them - and a husband, of course).

Laurie has more than she thinks

I received an e-mail today from a friend. It's just one of those e-mails sent by some anonymous person that is meant to encourage you. I usually don't pass them on (or look at them). This one, however, put things into perspective. In fact, I ended up making a list of things that I have in my life. I was surprised on how much I really do have. No matter how wrong my life is right now, I found I have the most important things; all the urgent things are not important. I have:

Two part-time jobs
Friends that have Bible study with me
Friends that hang out with me
A best friend 2000 miles away that calls me and makes sure that I know we will always be friends - no matter what happens or how far we live apart.
A brother who worries about me and tries to give me advice (even though he's 2 years younger)
A dad who sees something at an auction and outbids everybody for it so he can send it to me across the country just for the simple fact that he thought of me when he saw it.
A stepdad who worries about me that when he sees my car gone early in the morning figures that I never came home the night before and calls frantically to find out if I'm okay (I was and I did come home; I just actually left earlier than normal).
Parents who still want me to be close to them.
Parents who want me to succeed and will help me any way they can, including having me rent out part of their house but will give me every bit of rent back when I move out.
Co-workers who never fail to say "Good Morning" to me or ask about my weekend.
Co-workers who don't want me to leave when I get a full-time job - even though they are subjected daily to my rantings and ravings.
A successful author that tells me that I have a gift, a unique voice and should pursue my dream to be a writer.
A successful author that encourages me but criticizes me so I get better; and one that says no matter what happens, if I never get published, that I did everything I could so it isn't failing.
A student(s) who light up when I attend a ballroom party or teach a group class and say, "We're so glad that you're here."
A friend that I have seen but twice since high school that still thinks of me as one of her best friends and encourages me frequently to stay positive because the idea I have of myself is warped; it's not what she or others see.
A niece who loves and misses me even though I get to see her only about once a year. Another niece who is already grown and has been offered full athletic scholarships to college (in and outside of CA).
Four nephews who are all adorable, fun and are going to change the world for the better one day.
Friends who take me out to lunch, dinner or a movie because they'd rather spend time with me than have me decline because I can't afford to. And they don't expect me to return the favor. They just want to spend time - with me!
My health, eyesight, hearing, no cavities; the fact that I can eat by my mouth and my stepdad still has to eat one feeding a day through a tube as a result of the aggressive radiation and chemotherapy treatments he underwent to cure his cancer; he is two years cancer-free.
Family and friends living in at least nine states and three countries.
A grandfather that is in remission for Multiple Mylanoma.
A Bible study class that meets often outside of class and truly enjoys fellowship with each other, including me.
A small group who truly cares about each other and prays sincerely for each other.

I know that there is more - I'll add to this as I remember. I encourage you to do the same and keep it somewhere that you'll read when you feel down. We have so much more than we think. Things are never as bad as they seem when we remember how many people love us - truly, truly care about us the way we are.

Crazy Week

This week is going to be interesting. I have work everyday (like normal) and something planned for every evening (work, Bible study or meetings). Saturday, I have two events (but I can't afford the second so I'm probably not going). It's not until Sunday that I don't have something planned. Besides church, that's it.

As I look forward to next week, it is beginning to look the same as this week. Wow! Too many things going on. I still have to finish my last story assignment for my class, too. Yikes! I need to find a way to open up my schedule. The thing is that everything is good. Nothing planned is frivolous. Although, I could do with a little frivolous. I so really need a full-time job or to find something that gets me across this desert....and soon. :-)

One positive is that I have gained two new customers for my Mary Kay business. From thier orders, I can place a large enough monthly order to be active and to pay down my inventory. That will really help. I need to be a little more active in my business but it's hard to focus on it right now. I've been focusing on my writing but now with all these other things that I'm in, it's taken a toll.

I should just do an online show. I've never done one before. That might be a good thing to try right now. I just have to commit a time to do it. Easier said than done. :-)

A first...in a long time

For the first time in a long time, I actually got out of bed and put my thoughts down on paper. It's been awhile since I woke myself up enough to do this....and last night I even turned on my computer. I shouldn't be so worried about sleep. The life of a writer lacks much in the way of sleeping. Yes, good rest is necessary to function well but when thoughts, stories, plots come at you, as a writer you have to jot them down right away. You don't want to lose it because sometimes you just can't get it back, no matter how hard you try. I finally had all the tools to do this last night and still get some sleep. I've done it before but it's been literally years since I was able to write at the drop of a hat. It's a good sign for me. Plus, it only took about 20 minutes of sleep; and I ended up being able to sleep in a few minutes this morning anyway.

Sometimes stuff just works out without you having to worry about it. So why worry?

Changes to blog

Hi, again. I've made some changes today in my blog.

Church
I've added the links to my churches. Yes, I did just write churches. I love SOCC but I've also found a smaller church (way smaller) that I like to attend sometimes. It's SOCC but stripped down to the basics. When I want to be "quiet," I attend Exodus. However, SOCC is still my main church and I still really adore the worship and teaching.

Verses
I've added this section because it is a very important part of my life - hence the title. Many other verses can qualify as "life" verses for me but these three are the most important ones to me right now. I'll change these periodically or add to the list when I feel it is necessary.

Work
These were adjusted, also. I no longer work at SOCC so it was manditory that I remove it from that list. You can still navigate there but from the Church link section. I also added the newspapers website (my current employer) so you can check out my new "hometown." You can also now navigate directly to my personal website on marykay.com. The new link takes you directly to my page where you can peruse and order products from me online. We have recently updated our color line. You should check it out! And our Microdermabrasion Set is still the best seller of them all.

Music
I've added Plus One to this list. They started out five strong but are now three strong. In fact, I like them more now than before. Their sound is also a lot different: moving from pop to rock/alternative. They wrote and composed all the songs on their current album. Really, they just rock. Unfortunately, I don't think they have had the monetary success that they had when they were a "boy band." But I seriously hope that they'll come out with another CD like the last one. Keep rockin', boys!

That be it. Have fun checkin' out the new links!

I fear for the safety...

...of our President. I understand that he wants to see the devastation of Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. But to take walking tours of areas that are unsettle and have idiot people shooting at others instead of helping each other is this time of need is not a smart thing. I do not want my president to get hurt. These people have guns and they are too desperate to be civil. I'm very scared for him. It is upsetting me so much. Seriously, I'm livid that they are allowing him to do this. I know he wants to be there for his people but its just too dangerous. It's not that I don't have faith in our FBI, CIA or whoever protects him but situations like this are unstable, unpredictable.

I am going to seriously pray and hope that they do not allow him to walk through New Orleans, at least. I have even more respect for him for wanting to do it at all. But I fear for his life. No matter what others might say, he is a very strong president. He doesn't back down to a challenge and he tries to protect this country the best he can (when others before him have weakened it). He is the true example of being an American. He doesn't know what quit means or what a coward is. I know he isn't perfect but I'm proud to be an American because of his leadership. He rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.

I just hope others will see that, too - especially since he's going into harms way to be with his people.