Playing the waiting game

I'm starting to get bad at playing the waiting game. I'm tired of thinking about things too much and trying to always be patient. I know that it is a virtue and that it is a good one to have. Sometimes it is difficult to uphold because you get hurt by people not responding to you in the right - or any - way.

Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?

Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.

Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.

And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.