Twenty Year Itch...30 Year Itch

Twenty Year Itch

She knew me twenty years
Put up with my adventurous roving
Through dusty, dry destinations,
Cracked surface made by anger from below,
To lush, glorious green gardens, touched
By the hand of God
Kept alive by outpouring of joy
From above

Family vacations, school trips
Weekends to nowhere
She cuddled me, cooed me like her infant
Loved me with concrete arms stretched
Like rubber bands
Where was born safety
Death no option, for this child

Twenty years hand in hand
We lived
Till parting
Sweet sorrow one last goodbye
To a mother who took me places
Let me abuse her with revolving rubber
Tears welled but mystery lay beyond
Eastward
No looking back
Concrete arms ended and new began
As I crossed over into Nevada

This wasn't my first poem but it was one of the better ones (exactly, not a poet am I?). Wanting to be a writer doesn't mean that I'm always a good one; it means that I'm trying and that I have a goal, a desire. And that's also what I'm doing in other parts of my life. Apparently, not very well, either. No matter how hard I try, I always end up the bad guy or the one who has "misinterpreted/misunderstood" the situation. I'm at a loss as to how this always happens. What is it that is wrong with me? How is it that I'm always the one that needs to apologize? Am I that bad of a listener and jump to conclusions too quickly? Is it always my fault? I'm so careful to try and respect everyone's wishes and to give over my wants for others. For the last year and a half, however, I've tried to not cater to everyone else's whims because it only made me feel worse and worse to have to go along with what everyone else wanted and not do anything that I really wanted. Maybe I have gone too far the other way. That has to be it. I just want too much now. So now, for my New Year's Resolution, I'll try to back off a little. I just don't want to fall back to where I used to be because that was no fun and far too depressing.

I promised myself that I wouldn't be that way again. Yes, I still have bad days here and there but they are less than they used to be - and that's partly attributed to me paying attention to not being taken advantage of so much. If there's really something I want to do, I do it; instead of giving over to everyone else's desires all the time.

And when those bad days happen, I am strong enough to call people and let them know that I'm feeling bad and need help. It has been helping. It's also been helping that I'm getting rid of things in my life that I don't need (bad-for-me-and-everyone-else food, material things, clothes that are too big or too small - basically all the clutter in my life). I'm saving money, re-arranging my priorities and talking to my family more often, too. I've taken care of issues that needed to have closure and doing things that interest me (like working football and basketball games at IU). I need to also be talking to my friends more often over the phone instead of e-mail. However, that's kinda hard when your schedule is so different than their's that the only time you have to call and talk is when they're already in bed.

E-mail can be a life-saver at times but, mostly, it has the ability to complicate your life further. You just can't say what you need to appropriately in an e-mail. Even when you're careful, it still comes across not exactly how you wanted. However, it doesn't matter if I say it or write it, it always ends the same way: with me apologizing for misterpreting. It's never the other way around even when it should be. There was a time a couple years ago when a new friend of mine and I had a brief encounter at a party. This person was joking around with the rest of us but chose to take offense at my comment, which wasn't any different than what he was saying to everyone else. In fact, he was alienating every woman in the room. He looked me straight in the eye and said something to hurt me; he really wasn't joking. I covered my hurt by saying something back that wasn't directed at him specifically and was a "safe" comment. The conversation ended there and went a different direction. I realized that maybe my comment had hit a nerve no one knew about (and I definitely wouldn't have because I didn't know him very well yet) so I decided to apologize and explain why I was apologizing; even though it wasn't malicious and was all part of our joking repertoire at the time. I let him know that I came to this conclusion because it was obvious to everyone that he meant to hurt me (he did; but I hid that fact) which meant that I inadvertantly hurt him and I was very sorry about that. Well, he never even acknowledged my apology. He didn't write me back or call me or say anything about it. And he didn't apologize; when, in fact, he should have been the one to apologize in the first place, not me.

So, you see, I just can't win - ever. I need to learn that and move on. My skin has to get thicker and I have to learn that there are always going to be people in my life that are stronger than me so they'll always win unless I put my foot down when it's the right time to do so. But I never know when that is. I fear that I never will.