End Begin

Do you ever just want to start over? Just throw in the towel, move away and start in a new place, where nobody knows you and you have a different job? Like the anti-Cheers version of life.

That's how I feel right now. How is it that I even have friends? I mean, I don't set out to ruin friendships and relationships, it just somehow happens. The problem is that I kinda like the real me. I mean, I don't keep things to myself - granted that I don't always go about it the right way but sometimes you can't see what the right way is until you use the wrong way. That's how we learn.

I also am taking some risks with my life and pursuing goals. I may fall completely flat on my face but at least I will have no regrets. I may not have a lot of money but what I do have is spent on things that I need or things that will help out others. For example, all the parties I do are fun for me but they are only fun because my friends enjoy them and I feel like I've been able to serve them in a good way. I dislike having people come over and them having to work. I want them to eat off of real dishes, have a nice meal that's been prepared just for them, to not have to clean up after themselves and to enjoy each others company. It's my gift to them. But it's also their gift to me; because I enjoy throwing those kind of parties. It's a win-win. If I have $100 to spend on groceries, I'd always rather spend it on groceries for a dinner party than just for myself. Of course, that will change when I have my own family but as a single young professional, that's how I feel. This is only one example of what I like to do with the little money I do have.

Pretty much everyone I know knows me in and out for the most part. They know my flaws, my perfections (the few I have) and my insecurities. Most respect them because they know I mean no harm and am trying. Others can't accept them and that's okay. But it hurts that though I'm trying, I know there will be friends that end up non-friends. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try because you'll always have moments in your life that will disappoint them. It's up to you to do better next time and for them to forgive you at some point. Plus, you have to forgive yourself for everything you do. You are your worst critic. It's much harder to forgive yourself sometimes than others. But you need to do it. Don't forget what you did; learn from it and move on.

So, New Year's Resolution number 4 for me is: Learn the fact that everybody you meet is not going to like you, no matter what you do. Accept it and move on. We're all created different for a reason.

Let's recap. So far I have 4 New Year's Resolutions. They are:

1) Learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands because I made them that way.
2) Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
3) Back off a little; try not to be so selfish and assuming no matter what the situation is.
4) Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and move on. Don't cry over spilt milk.

Tall order, you think? It may be tall but it has to happen. Though I can't be perfect, I can be a better person than I am at this moment. We all can be better. We just have to come out of our self-imposed denial and accept that we aren't perfect. However, He has shown us how to strive for perfection and that's a goal worth reaching.