Frustration...and everything else

Every year it's the same: no date for New Year's. Not that it's really that important, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend so all of these holidays wouldn't be so lonely. I now have a lot of friends who are "attached" in some way. And if they aren't, they still end up having a date on New Year's. I will be home, alone with our dog for New Year's. How pathetic is that?

There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.

It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?

And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.

Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).

To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.

Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).

And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.

Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.