Do you ever just want to start over? Just throw in the towel, move away and start in a new place, where nobody knows you and you have a different job? Like the anti-Cheers version of life.
That's how I feel right now. How is it that I even have friends? I mean, I don't set out to ruin friendships and relationships, it just somehow happens. The problem is that I kinda like the real me. I mean, I don't keep things to myself - granted that I don't always go about it the right way but sometimes you can't see what the right way is until you use the wrong way. That's how we learn.
I also am taking some risks with my life and pursuing goals. I may fall completely flat on my face but at least I will have no regrets. I may not have a lot of money but what I do have is spent on things that I need or things that will help out others. For example, all the parties I do are fun for me but they are only fun because my friends enjoy them and I feel like I've been able to serve them in a good way. I dislike having people come over and them having to work. I want them to eat off of real dishes, have a nice meal that's been prepared just for them, to not have to clean up after themselves and to enjoy each others company. It's my gift to them. But it's also their gift to me; because I enjoy throwing those kind of parties. It's a win-win. If I have $100 to spend on groceries, I'd always rather spend it on groceries for a dinner party than just for myself. Of course, that will change when I have my own family but as a single young professional, that's how I feel. This is only one example of what I like to do with the little money I do have.
Pretty much everyone I know knows me in and out for the most part. They know my flaws, my perfections (the few I have) and my insecurities. Most respect them because they know I mean no harm and am trying. Others can't accept them and that's okay. But it hurts that though I'm trying, I know there will be friends that end up non-friends. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try because you'll always have moments in your life that will disappoint them. It's up to you to do better next time and for them to forgive you at some point. Plus, you have to forgive yourself for everything you do. You are your worst critic. It's much harder to forgive yourself sometimes than others. But you need to do it. Don't forget what you did; learn from it and move on.
So, New Year's Resolution number 4 for me is: Learn the fact that everybody you meet is not going to like you, no matter what you do. Accept it and move on. We're all created different for a reason.
Let's recap. So far I have 4 New Year's Resolutions. They are:
1) Learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands because I made them that way.
2) Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
3) Back off a little; try not to be so selfish and assuming no matter what the situation is.
4) Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and move on. Don't cry over spilt milk.
Tall order, you think? It may be tall but it has to happen. Though I can't be perfect, I can be a better person than I am at this moment. We all can be better. We just have to come out of our self-imposed denial and accept that we aren't perfect. However, He has shown us how to strive for perfection and that's a goal worth reaching.
12.29.2005
12.28.2005
Christmas & New Year's Letter
Being that I found out today that a few more people read my blog than I originally thought, I will be publishing my Christmas/New Year's letter as soon as I get home tonight. I usually send a letter at least once a year around Spring to my family and friends in California, Oregon and elsewhere outside of Indiana. I didn't get to this year so instead of Christmas cards, I send my annual letter (on cute snowman paper, no less). :-)
Okay, so this day will not end. I'm about ready to step outside this building and give the most blood-curdling scream I've ever done! Work is back and forth; I can't seem to please any of my friends in any way (I'm about ready to shut off my cell phone but I can't because I'm waiting for one more call) and I have to work at the studio - including going home, getting the dog and his play pen and setting it up in the studio for him to stay during my lessons in a period of 75 minutes - and the studio will have more fresh paint. Though, that is mainly a good thing. ;-)
But I think, after today, I can breathe slightly. At least, I can once I know my parents are safely in California. Yeah, their flight was overbooked; lucky for them, they get two $400 vouchers and fly first class tomorrow morning. However, they chose to stay in Indy instead of driving back. So, I still have to rush all day caring for the dog and working two jobs. Dinner? Only if I'm lucky. I barely ate lunch. And I still will be on edge because yesterday mom and I had an account put into my name "in case something happens to them." I know things will be fine but I just can't shake that thought until they are safely on the ground 2,000 miles west of me.
I so am convinced and now completely determined to find one full-time job with benefits in the next few months. I need some sort of job security to push down my stress level. And having a significant other would be nice, too. There has to be someone out there that likes me that I like back the same way. It would so help me right now. Of course, it won't happen before New Year's but maybe, just maybe before the end of January? Is that okay to ask, Lord? But whatever Your Will is is best - I know that. It's just hard sometimes to be in this head. There are just times I want out! But just for a moment of peace; I wouldn't be me if I was unstressed and unorganized for too long - as y'all know. ;-)
Okay, so this day will not end. I'm about ready to step outside this building and give the most blood-curdling scream I've ever done! Work is back and forth; I can't seem to please any of my friends in any way (I'm about ready to shut off my cell phone but I can't because I'm waiting for one more call) and I have to work at the studio - including going home, getting the dog and his play pen and setting it up in the studio for him to stay during my lessons in a period of 75 minutes - and the studio will have more fresh paint. Though, that is mainly a good thing. ;-)
But I think, after today, I can breathe slightly. At least, I can once I know my parents are safely in California. Yeah, their flight was overbooked; lucky for them, they get two $400 vouchers and fly first class tomorrow morning. However, they chose to stay in Indy instead of driving back. So, I still have to rush all day caring for the dog and working two jobs. Dinner? Only if I'm lucky. I barely ate lunch. And I still will be on edge because yesterday mom and I had an account put into my name "in case something happens to them." I know things will be fine but I just can't shake that thought until they are safely on the ground 2,000 miles west of me.
I so am convinced and now completely determined to find one full-time job with benefits in the next few months. I need some sort of job security to push down my stress level. And having a significant other would be nice, too. There has to be someone out there that likes me that I like back the same way. It would so help me right now. Of course, it won't happen before New Year's but maybe, just maybe before the end of January? Is that okay to ask, Lord? But whatever Your Will is is best - I know that. It's just hard sometimes to be in this head. There are just times I want out! But just for a moment of peace; I wouldn't be me if I was unstressed and unorganized for too long - as y'all know. ;-)
Twenty Year Itch...30 Year Itch
Twenty Year Itch
She knew me twenty years
Put up with my adventurous roving
Through dusty, dry destinations,
Cracked surface made by anger from below,
To lush, glorious green gardens, touched
By the hand of God
Kept alive by outpouring of joy
From above
Family vacations, school trips
Weekends to nowhere
She cuddled me, cooed me like her infant
Loved me with concrete arms stretched
Like rubber bands
Where was born safety
Death no option, for this child
Twenty years hand in hand
We lived
Till parting
Sweet sorrow one last goodbye
To a mother who took me places
Let me abuse her with revolving rubber
Tears welled but mystery lay beyond
Eastward
No looking back
Concrete arms ended and new began
As I crossed over into Nevada
This wasn't my first poem but it was one of the better ones (exactly, not a poet am I?). Wanting to be a writer doesn't mean that I'm always a good one; it means that I'm trying and that I have a goal, a desire. And that's also what I'm doing in other parts of my life. Apparently, not very well, either. No matter how hard I try, I always end up the bad guy or the one who has "misinterpreted/misunderstood" the situation. I'm at a loss as to how this always happens. What is it that is wrong with me? How is it that I'm always the one that needs to apologize? Am I that bad of a listener and jump to conclusions too quickly? Is it always my fault? I'm so careful to try and respect everyone's wishes and to give over my wants for others. For the last year and a half, however, I've tried to not cater to everyone else's whims because it only made me feel worse and worse to have to go along with what everyone else wanted and not do anything that I really wanted. Maybe I have gone too far the other way. That has to be it. I just want too much now. So now, for my New Year's Resolution, I'll try to back off a little. I just don't want to fall back to where I used to be because that was no fun and far too depressing.
I promised myself that I wouldn't be that way again. Yes, I still have bad days here and there but they are less than they used to be - and that's partly attributed to me paying attention to not being taken advantage of so much. If there's really something I want to do, I do it; instead of giving over to everyone else's desires all the time.
And when those bad days happen, I am strong enough to call people and let them know that I'm feeling bad and need help. It has been helping. It's also been helping that I'm getting rid of things in my life that I don't need (bad-for-me-and-everyone-else food, material things, clothes that are too big or too small - basically all the clutter in my life). I'm saving money, re-arranging my priorities and talking to my family more often, too. I've taken care of issues that needed to have closure and doing things that interest me (like working football and basketball games at IU). I need to also be talking to my friends more often over the phone instead of e-mail. However, that's kinda hard when your schedule is so different than their's that the only time you have to call and talk is when they're already in bed.
E-mail can be a life-saver at times but, mostly, it has the ability to complicate your life further. You just can't say what you need to appropriately in an e-mail. Even when you're careful, it still comes across not exactly how you wanted. However, it doesn't matter if I say it or write it, it always ends the same way: with me apologizing for misterpreting. It's never the other way around even when it should be. There was a time a couple years ago when a new friend of mine and I had a brief encounter at a party. This person was joking around with the rest of us but chose to take offense at my comment, which wasn't any different than what he was saying to everyone else. In fact, he was alienating every woman in the room. He looked me straight in the eye and said something to hurt me; he really wasn't joking. I covered my hurt by saying something back that wasn't directed at him specifically and was a "safe" comment. The conversation ended there and went a different direction. I realized that maybe my comment had hit a nerve no one knew about (and I definitely wouldn't have because I didn't know him very well yet) so I decided to apologize and explain why I was apologizing; even though it wasn't malicious and was all part of our joking repertoire at the time. I let him know that I came to this conclusion because it was obvious to everyone that he meant to hurt me (he did; but I hid that fact) which meant that I inadvertantly hurt him and I was very sorry about that. Well, he never even acknowledged my apology. He didn't write me back or call me or say anything about it. And he didn't apologize; when, in fact, he should have been the one to apologize in the first place, not me.
So, you see, I just can't win - ever. I need to learn that and move on. My skin has to get thicker and I have to learn that there are always going to be people in my life that are stronger than me so they'll always win unless I put my foot down when it's the right time to do so. But I never know when that is. I fear that I never will.
She knew me twenty years
Put up with my adventurous roving
Through dusty, dry destinations,
Cracked surface made by anger from below,
To lush, glorious green gardens, touched
By the hand of God
Kept alive by outpouring of joy
From above
Family vacations, school trips
Weekends to nowhere
She cuddled me, cooed me like her infant
Loved me with concrete arms stretched
Like rubber bands
Where was born safety
Death no option, for this child
Twenty years hand in hand
We lived
Till parting
Sweet sorrow one last goodbye
To a mother who took me places
Let me abuse her with revolving rubber
Tears welled but mystery lay beyond
Eastward
No looking back
Concrete arms ended and new began
As I crossed over into Nevada
This wasn't my first poem but it was one of the better ones (exactly, not a poet am I?). Wanting to be a writer doesn't mean that I'm always a good one; it means that I'm trying and that I have a goal, a desire. And that's also what I'm doing in other parts of my life. Apparently, not very well, either. No matter how hard I try, I always end up the bad guy or the one who has "misinterpreted/misunderstood" the situation. I'm at a loss as to how this always happens. What is it that is wrong with me? How is it that I'm always the one that needs to apologize? Am I that bad of a listener and jump to conclusions too quickly? Is it always my fault? I'm so careful to try and respect everyone's wishes and to give over my wants for others. For the last year and a half, however, I've tried to not cater to everyone else's whims because it only made me feel worse and worse to have to go along with what everyone else wanted and not do anything that I really wanted. Maybe I have gone too far the other way. That has to be it. I just want too much now. So now, for my New Year's Resolution, I'll try to back off a little. I just don't want to fall back to where I used to be because that was no fun and far too depressing.
I promised myself that I wouldn't be that way again. Yes, I still have bad days here and there but they are less than they used to be - and that's partly attributed to me paying attention to not being taken advantage of so much. If there's really something I want to do, I do it; instead of giving over to everyone else's desires all the time.
And when those bad days happen, I am strong enough to call people and let them know that I'm feeling bad and need help. It has been helping. It's also been helping that I'm getting rid of things in my life that I don't need (bad-for-me-and-everyone-else food, material things, clothes that are too big or too small - basically all the clutter in my life). I'm saving money, re-arranging my priorities and talking to my family more often, too. I've taken care of issues that needed to have closure and doing things that interest me (like working football and basketball games at IU). I need to also be talking to my friends more often over the phone instead of e-mail. However, that's kinda hard when your schedule is so different than their's that the only time you have to call and talk is when they're already in bed.
E-mail can be a life-saver at times but, mostly, it has the ability to complicate your life further. You just can't say what you need to appropriately in an e-mail. Even when you're careful, it still comes across not exactly how you wanted. However, it doesn't matter if I say it or write it, it always ends the same way: with me apologizing for misterpreting. It's never the other way around even when it should be. There was a time a couple years ago when a new friend of mine and I had a brief encounter at a party. This person was joking around with the rest of us but chose to take offense at my comment, which wasn't any different than what he was saying to everyone else. In fact, he was alienating every woman in the room. He looked me straight in the eye and said something to hurt me; he really wasn't joking. I covered my hurt by saying something back that wasn't directed at him specifically and was a "safe" comment. The conversation ended there and went a different direction. I realized that maybe my comment had hit a nerve no one knew about (and I definitely wouldn't have because I didn't know him very well yet) so I decided to apologize and explain why I was apologizing; even though it wasn't malicious and was all part of our joking repertoire at the time. I let him know that I came to this conclusion because it was obvious to everyone that he meant to hurt me (he did; but I hid that fact) which meant that I inadvertantly hurt him and I was very sorry about that. Well, he never even acknowledged my apology. He didn't write me back or call me or say anything about it. And he didn't apologize; when, in fact, he should have been the one to apologize in the first place, not me.
So, you see, I just can't win - ever. I need to learn that and move on. My skin has to get thicker and I have to learn that there are always going to be people in my life that are stronger than me so they'll always win unless I put my foot down when it's the right time to do so. But I never know when that is. I fear that I never will.
12.27.2005
Christmas and the Chaos
So, not that anyone really reads this (I don't think most of my friends really care about blogs), but I have a couple things on my mind. First, Christmas was good. My mom had a very, very good Christmas. She got the Christmas dishes she's wanted for the last 15 years; which means that my stepdad and I are finally rid of the guilt and shame we have carried from buying her the wrong ones all those years ago. It's nice to have that burden lifted.
Because her current Christmas dishes were discontinued years ago and I don't have any, I'm buying them from her for a very good price. Now, I have Christmas dishes. Woo Hoo! :-)
I also got a Poker/Blackjack tabletop for Christmas. I'm hoping to use it on New Year's Eve. We'll see what happens at the party. We don't even know who is going to show up because there is a few other things going on, too - and I kind of went a little too far in some ways. I wouldn't blame people if they didn't want to spend any time with me. But, hopefully, we'll have a good group. And I now have New Year's Resolution Number 1 for myself: learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands.
On another note, I've left planning my 30th birthday party in the hands of one of my friends (though I'm half-thinking that maybe I don't deserve a 30th birthday party; maybe I should be alone on that day like every New Year's seems to turn out - this would be the first New Year's that I'll spend with friends but I've already alienated one of them so I'm back where I started; I'm not meant to have a stress-free New Year's Eve - ever apparently). I trust her to do something nice (of course, I've also already told her what I absolutely didn't want and some ideas of what might be fun). Other than that, she has four rules to go by: I want as many family and friends there that can come (no limit), my mom to make my cake, lots of Salami and to have fun. That's it. I even gave her permission to joke about turning 30 years old, show embarassing photos of me growing up and to even have a theme birthday. I just want to be with the people I love and have a good time (and for them to have a good time, too). I don't even care about gifts. I'd be more appreciative of people being present than sending a gift.
New Years Resolution #2: Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
Oh, by the way, my birthday is 83 days away...and counting. :-)
Because her current Christmas dishes were discontinued years ago and I don't have any, I'm buying them from her for a very good price. Now, I have Christmas dishes. Woo Hoo! :-)
I also got a Poker/Blackjack tabletop for Christmas. I'm hoping to use it on New Year's Eve. We'll see what happens at the party. We don't even know who is going to show up because there is a few other things going on, too - and I kind of went a little too far in some ways. I wouldn't blame people if they didn't want to spend any time with me. But, hopefully, we'll have a good group. And I now have New Year's Resolution Number 1 for myself: learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands.
On another note, I've left planning my 30th birthday party in the hands of one of my friends (though I'm half-thinking that maybe I don't deserve a 30th birthday party; maybe I should be alone on that day like every New Year's seems to turn out - this would be the first New Year's that I'll spend with friends but I've already alienated one of them so I'm back where I started; I'm not meant to have a stress-free New Year's Eve - ever apparently). I trust her to do something nice (of course, I've also already told her what I absolutely didn't want and some ideas of what might be fun). Other than that, she has four rules to go by: I want as many family and friends there that can come (no limit), my mom to make my cake, lots of Salami and to have fun. That's it. I even gave her permission to joke about turning 30 years old, show embarassing photos of me growing up and to even have a theme birthday. I just want to be with the people I love and have a good time (and for them to have a good time, too). I don't even care about gifts. I'd be more appreciative of people being present than sending a gift.
New Years Resolution #2: Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
Oh, by the way, my birthday is 83 days away...and counting. :-)
12.20.2005
Definition of Definition
Is it bad that I have to look up the definition of the definition of Mirriam-Webster's word of the day? Upon reading further, they did add some thoughts on the word that were more than adequate for me to absorb. However, if they hadn't added that nice paragraph, I'd be looking up also what servile meant so I'd understand exactly what sequacious meant (definition: intellectually servile).
However, this little research led me to discover a new word that I like: glabrous. I'd use it this way: I wish that I had arms as glabrous as my palms. Meaning: I wish I had hairless arms, just like my palms. Our palms never have hair; a fact that I didn't know until now. I feel smarter even if, technically, I may not be smarter. :-)
Sometimes I think that the "smart" people get bored with everyday words and come up with new ones just to frustrate the rest of us. I can visualize the scene: 6-8 people sitting around a poker table, all not too impressed with their hands and not really having that much fun, conversing about how Poker is a treacherous unintelligible game to which they decide to quite and pick up a scrabble board. With a sudden rush of adrenaline at the thought of putting 26 letters together to form what we call "words," they decide to try to one up each other by creating new words not found in the dictionary. The rules also include that you have explain where the word came from (meaning what other words were used to make it up) and that they have to use it in a sentence. I feel that the words with the highest scores were voted in to the next years dictionary as a way to frustrate the rest of us and help them feel even more pompous.
Then again, the rest of us make up words all the time without them knowing. How those get into the dictionary will be a mystery forever. I mean, who ever came up with the word confuzzled?! I have to wonder what the circumstances were for someone to have to find a new word to describe the fact that they were "confused and puzzled" all at the same time. Isn't that the same thing? Americans, go figure. :-)
However, this little research led me to discover a new word that I like: glabrous. I'd use it this way: I wish that I had arms as glabrous as my palms. Meaning: I wish I had hairless arms, just like my palms. Our palms never have hair; a fact that I didn't know until now. I feel smarter even if, technically, I may not be smarter. :-)
Sometimes I think that the "smart" people get bored with everyday words and come up with new ones just to frustrate the rest of us. I can visualize the scene: 6-8 people sitting around a poker table, all not too impressed with their hands and not really having that much fun, conversing about how Poker is a treacherous unintelligible game to which they decide to quite and pick up a scrabble board. With a sudden rush of adrenaline at the thought of putting 26 letters together to form what we call "words," they decide to try to one up each other by creating new words not found in the dictionary. The rules also include that you have explain where the word came from (meaning what other words were used to make it up) and that they have to use it in a sentence. I feel that the words with the highest scores were voted in to the next years dictionary as a way to frustrate the rest of us and help them feel even more pompous.
Then again, the rest of us make up words all the time without them knowing. How those get into the dictionary will be a mystery forever. I mean, who ever came up with the word confuzzled?! I have to wonder what the circumstances were for someone to have to find a new word to describe the fact that they were "confused and puzzled" all at the same time. Isn't that the same thing? Americans, go figure. :-)
12.19.2005
Frustration...and everything else
Every year it's the same: no date for New Year's. Not that it's really that important, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend so all of these holidays wouldn't be so lonely. I now have a lot of friends who are "attached" in some way. And if they aren't, they still end up having a date on New Year's. I will be home, alone with our dog for New Year's. How pathetic is that?
There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.
It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?
And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.
Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).
To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.
Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).
And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.
Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.
There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.
It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?
And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.
Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).
To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.
Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).
And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.
Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.
12.12.2005
Relief...
That's what I felt when he walked in. That's all I felt. No butterflies, no super excitement, just relief. And, at this moment (a couple hours after having lunch with him, Barbara and Matt), I'm comfortable and my mind is clear. I know now that we are meant to be friends and that's all.
It's such a big relief; although, I'm back at square one. But at least I have some answers and can move on with my life. I might go visit him but if there happens to be any lingering feelings on his end that I cannot return, that will have to stop right quick.
The problem is that everyone loved him. "He's such a doll!" "What a nice guy!" "He's a neat guy and intelligent." Yes, he is all those things but for some reason the thought of him and I as anything but friends is not appealing. It turns me off. Why? I have no clue. I don't pretend to know or be able to figure it out. And, then it's also comforting to know that there are really good people in this world that you just aren't meant to be with. It happens.
Actually, I'm a little excited now because since this book is the perverbial "closed," a new one is opening. New beginning, new possibilities, new experiences. I know that one day I'll be with a man that the feelings are mutual completely. That'll be the man that God wants me to be with forever. I can't wait to finally meet him. :-)
It's such a big relief; although, I'm back at square one. But at least I have some answers and can move on with my life. I might go visit him but if there happens to be any lingering feelings on his end that I cannot return, that will have to stop right quick.
The problem is that everyone loved him. "He's such a doll!" "What a nice guy!" "He's a neat guy and intelligent." Yes, he is all those things but for some reason the thought of him and I as anything but friends is not appealing. It turns me off. Why? I have no clue. I don't pretend to know or be able to figure it out. And, then it's also comforting to know that there are really good people in this world that you just aren't meant to be with. It happens.
Actually, I'm a little excited now because since this book is the perverbial "closed," a new one is opening. New beginning, new possibilities, new experiences. I know that one day I'll be with a man that the feelings are mutual completely. That'll be the man that God wants me to be with forever. I can't wait to finally meet him. :-)
Just Closure
I just needed closure, that's it. No other feelings. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't expect what I felt...nothing out of the ordinary. I'm okay with it but it was pretty unexpected with how excited I was to see him.
One of my coworkers put it in perspective for me by using an old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's true but usually when the person returns, there's mutual feelings. It didn't happen in this case - on my end anyway. I'll keep an open mind but unless God changes my heart, we're just good friends.
One of my coworkers put it in perspective for me by using an old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's true but usually when the person returns, there's mutual feelings. It didn't happen in this case - on my end anyway. I'll keep an open mind but unless God changes my heart, we're just good friends.
12.07.2005
No more waiting.... :0)
It's finally happened. He called my cell. Yippee! I'm so excited that he's coming. I should return the favor, too. If he wants me to visit, I will find the time to do so, period.
Of course, I can't let him know exactly why I want to see him but we'll catch up at least. And I'll have other guests to consider but it should be a good time. I hope he arrives before the party starts so that we can chat a little before everyone comes.
I'm just really happy that he's coming - no matter what happens afterward.
Tiffany
Of course, I can't let him know exactly why I want to see him but we'll catch up at least. And I'll have other guests to consider but it should be a good time. I hope he arrives before the party starts so that we can chat a little before everyone comes.
I'm just really happy that he's coming - no matter what happens afterward.
Tiffany
Caller ID
Sometimes I wonder if Caller ID is a good thing. I mean, it tells you who called but if they didn't leave a message your brain goes into overdrive thinking about why.
Well, my friend called last night (the one I've made the subject of my last two entries) but didn't leave a message - again. Not saying, "Hey, I've been calling. Call me back when you get this if it's at such and such a time...", etc., etc. No, I just see his number on my Caller ID of missed messages.
And I already left him a message that calling my cell phone is much better because I'm never home anymore. Apparently, he never got that message. I guess that I'm just happy that he's tried to get a hold of me. So on one hand I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn't going to call again but on the other I wish he'd be more persistent with getting a hold of me by using the right number.
So, today I'll call him and hopefully we'll actually speak. :-)
Well, my friend called last night (the one I've made the subject of my last two entries) but didn't leave a message - again. Not saying, "Hey, I've been calling. Call me back when you get this if it's at such and such a time...", etc., etc. No, I just see his number on my Caller ID of missed messages.
And I already left him a message that calling my cell phone is much better because I'm never home anymore. Apparently, he never got that message. I guess that I'm just happy that he's tried to get a hold of me. So on one hand I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn't going to call again but on the other I wish he'd be more persistent with getting a hold of me by using the right number.
So, today I'll call him and hopefully we'll actually speak. :-)
12.06.2005
Playing the waiting game
I'm starting to get bad at playing the waiting game. I'm tired of thinking about things too much and trying to always be patient. I know that it is a virtue and that it is a good one to have. Sometimes it is difficult to uphold because you get hurt by people not responding to you in the right - or any - way.
Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?
Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.
Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.
And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.
Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?
Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.
Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.
And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.
12.05.2005
Good talk...
A friend of mine called last night and we chatted for awhile. He's one of the leaders in my Tuesday Bible study. He mainly called to ask me about ballroom classes for him and his new friend. However, I, of course, turned it into a conversation about my stuff. I tried not to but I did. I was really tired and he did ask me a few questions. People need to learn not to ask me so many questions; it makes me talk too much and about stuff that they probably don't care about.
Anyhoo, I ended up talking about the musical and then about my party - to which he discerned that my frustration was about a certain guy friend of mine. He said his name just like that. Apparently, I've told more people about this person than I thought. I mean he knew exactly who I was talking about. This person does frustrate me even though I miss him. I think that I just need to see him one more time before I can have closure on anything between us. Who knows? Maybe there is something still there but I highly doubt it. I'm sure he's moved on and has a new girlfriend (or hooked back up with the one he broke up with late last year). Still, I realize that I need closure on the whole thing - otherwise I'll still keep thinking about him and asking myself, "What if?" I'm tired of "what if's?" and not being able to move on. And - I have to move on. I have to be comfortable getting close to somebody. I trusted this guy but for some reason couldn't allow myself to get close to him. I feel like I can now but that's dumb because it would be a long distance relationship and he probably has no feelings other than friendship towards me. Anyway, my phone friend listened to all this like a true friend should. I appreciated that.
Anyhoo, I ended up talking about the musical and then about my party - to which he discerned that my frustration was about a certain guy friend of mine. He said his name just like that. Apparently, I've told more people about this person than I thought. I mean he knew exactly who I was talking about. This person does frustrate me even though I miss him. I think that I just need to see him one more time before I can have closure on anything between us. Who knows? Maybe there is something still there but I highly doubt it. I'm sure he's moved on and has a new girlfriend (or hooked back up with the one he broke up with late last year). Still, I realize that I need closure on the whole thing - otherwise I'll still keep thinking about him and asking myself, "What if?" I'm tired of "what if's?" and not being able to move on. And - I have to move on. I have to be comfortable getting close to somebody. I trusted this guy but for some reason couldn't allow myself to get close to him. I feel like I can now but that's dumb because it would be a long distance relationship and he probably has no feelings other than friendship towards me. Anyway, my phone friend listened to all this like a true friend should. I appreciated that.
Calm after the storm
Aaaahhhh. That's me - breathing again. It turns out that all that stress and busyness and running around paid off handsomely. The Musical went well; the girls did a great job! We all received several compliments - including a special one from Peggy Welch. It was a really good day.
After the musical, Alisa had Jen and I join her for brunch at her place. She made us these wonderful scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausage, fruit and cinnamon rolls (light Pillsbury). I broke down and had a whole one. It was a small cheat on my new food lifestyle but it didn't ruin it. I can cheat sometimes; I just have to be careful to not cheat a lot. I have to be very good this week because I'm planning to cheat a little next Sunday at my Christmas party. My friend Jen is bringing a Lemon Meringue Pie. It will be her first so I want to be able to eat a bit. Plus the Portuguese dish I'm making has one thing in it that I'm not supposed to have anymore: French bread. So, that's two cheats in one day. I will be okay though.
After brunch we went to see "Dreamer" together. It was so nice to spend some time with a couple of my close friends. I was so busy that I didn't talk to anybody; of course, no one called me or returned my phone calls when I did so that was another reason. I really needed to be with people. I was really tired but my need to relax with friends was stronger than my need to sleep. And, I did get home and go to bed pretty early so I got plenty of rest. Well, sort of. I'm pretty tired right now. I have five lessons tonight, too. I just will need to go home as early as I can and go straight to bed. We have been having meetings after work Monday nights but I'm going to politely ask to go home. I really need to rest up.
I hope this week turns out to be as calm as I think it will be. The only thing that I really have to do for my party is my weekly apartment cleaning and making the soupas. Everything else is done. It's so nice to finally have a lighter week. I'll still be busy but not stressed like the last three weeks. :-) That is a very good thing. :-)
After the musical, Alisa had Jen and I join her for brunch at her place. She made us these wonderful scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausage, fruit and cinnamon rolls (light Pillsbury). I broke down and had a whole one. It was a small cheat on my new food lifestyle but it didn't ruin it. I can cheat sometimes; I just have to be careful to not cheat a lot. I have to be very good this week because I'm planning to cheat a little next Sunday at my Christmas party. My friend Jen is bringing a Lemon Meringue Pie. It will be her first so I want to be able to eat a bit. Plus the Portuguese dish I'm making has one thing in it that I'm not supposed to have anymore: French bread. So, that's two cheats in one day. I will be okay though.
After brunch we went to see "Dreamer" together. It was so nice to spend some time with a couple of my close friends. I was so busy that I didn't talk to anybody; of course, no one called me or returned my phone calls when I did so that was another reason. I really needed to be with people. I was really tired but my need to relax with friends was stronger than my need to sleep. And, I did get home and go to bed pretty early so I got plenty of rest. Well, sort of. I'm pretty tired right now. I have five lessons tonight, too. I just will need to go home as early as I can and go straight to bed. We have been having meetings after work Monday nights but I'm going to politely ask to go home. I really need to rest up.
I hope this week turns out to be as calm as I think it will be. The only thing that I really have to do for my party is my weekly apartment cleaning and making the soupas. Everything else is done. It's so nice to finally have a lighter week. I'll still be busy but not stressed like the last three weeks. :-) That is a very good thing. :-)
12.01.2005
All things pure and white
How come it's so hard to find white dresses, skirts, pants or tops when this is the season where white blankets the land? It really shouldn't be this hard. I'm still searching for white "costumes" for my angels in the musical this weekend. We have dress rehearsal tonight and all I can find are white sweats and see-through white tops. It's a bit frustrating. And then I look outside, it's snowing today. We weren't supposed to get snow in this area. It was supposed to be all up north. I'm glad that they were wrong. It puts a smile on my face to see the trees frosted with snow. It is so beautiful to me that it's hard to think negatively or stay frustrated. Snow reminds me of all that is pure and right in the world. It's a reminder that God is still in control; and it reminds me of His promises to us.
There is a song, too, that is running through my head. I absolutely adore it! I would like to dance to it but it really isn't a ballroom dance-type song. It's more of a lyrical or freestyle song. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. I just love it: the lyrics, music, her voice, everything. It reminds me that each day is a new day: a blank page, pure, unwritten. You can make it whatever you want. It's good for us to be reminded of that because life is so fickle and fleeting. However, it can't take away that there are only 24 hours in a day; that a new day is always a new beginning, a new chance to live better.
There is a song, too, that is running through my head. I absolutely adore it! I would like to dance to it but it really isn't a ballroom dance-type song. It's more of a lyrical or freestyle song. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. I just love it: the lyrics, music, her voice, everything. It reminds me that each day is a new day: a blank page, pure, unwritten. You can make it whatever you want. It's good for us to be reminded of that because life is so fickle and fleeting. However, it can't take away that there are only 24 hours in a day; that a new day is always a new beginning, a new chance to live better.
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