Before I head to bed, and though my body isn't any more well than this morning, I have to write a little something. Sometimes when I'm unwell I'm actually the most clear. I may not be able to speak much right now or have much energy but sometimes I can actually think. And one of the things that I'm thinking is that I'm getting to know myself more everyday and that reflection is good for a person. Yes, I can rationalize too much...but tonight I came to a few realizations about myself and the people around me.
For one, I've looked at the wrong thing in people and myself. Whether it's a friend, boyfriend, co-worker or family member, sometimes I focus on the wrong things in the individual, either glossing over the red flags or the true person they are on the inside. I don't see them for who they truly are and who God sees them as. It's so hard to realize my limitations and imperfections.
For two, I've not always given myself credit when it's due either. I was pondering a recent guy I dated earlier today and started to wonder if I'd made a hasty decision. But I know that I didn't. It was the right decision. I shouldn't be with anyone that I have to completely change for...regardless of the attraction either way. We all have things that we need to change in our lives...to be better people. But to place our identity completely as someone else's just to please them is not, in any way, right for either person. And that works for anything. We have to be true to the people that God made us...the unique, perfect, priceless person that God created us to be. And we cannot stay in a relationship where the other person does not trea us with the respect and love that we desire; neither should we stay in a relationship that we aren't caring for the way we should. It's not fair to the other person; and it's pretty selfish of us.
And that goes for me and my penchant to be self-depricating even when I know the decision was right. So, on a couple of questions I've been asking myself, I'm finally clear on the answers...and they were the same answers to begin with...but good to know that I was right all along.
4.28.2009
4.27.2009
Burp N!ight
I have never ever burped as much or as hard as I have this evening...gross, I know. But I have been burping for the last four hours! It's so odd...I keep trying to figure out what I ate or if I'm sick. All the burping has made me super nausious so I've been lying on my couch watching movies. My mom called and she said that that's how her last flu started...okay, soooo not a good sign. Still, I'm kinda curious about it because I haven't burped like this EVER! But I still haven't thrown up. I just feel really tired and a little nausious...definitely not myself tonight.
So weird...so weird. I guess time will tell what this is. Sorry for sharing on my blog...but not all posts have to be my personal thoughts; sometimes they can be weird stuff like me burping all night long! I'm human, after all. No perfection here...but still priceless as one of God's princesses...even when burping!
So weird...so weird. I guess time will tell what this is. Sorry for sharing on my blog...but not all posts have to be my personal thoughts; sometimes they can be weird stuff like me burping all night long! I'm human, after all. No perfection here...but still priceless as one of God's princesses...even when burping!
4.14.2009
Tonight's Bible Study
Verses:
I Corinthians 12, 13, 14
The first thing I have to say is that I love my new Bible...it's the New King James Version. It is so good and so much closer to accuracy than the ones I have. If I read it and then another version, it gives a really good perspective on what the verse/passage really means.
Okay, so now to what I got on here to write about...
I was once told by a friend that they looked up to me as a spiritual leader....in the next conversation, they said that they may have been wrong to look to me as a spiritual leader (this was after, of course, I shied away from being seen as one since I told them that I was not perfect and that they should look to Jesus more than me). Yet another friend a few weeks ago commented on how she never knew how deep I was about spiritual matters until I spent three hours one late Sunday night talking to them about our spiritual heritage, beliefs and knowledge. To be really honest with you, this has been one of the things I've been contemplating (which I do a lot...as you can tell).
First, what is it that makes us spiritual leaders or deep? Second, how are we seen as a spiritual leader to one but not to another? Third, what makes a spiritual leader or who should be one...who is worthy to be someone's spiritual leader?
These are all tricky questions...and in my situation, you'd have to know the other people involved to know why they felt these ways individually. However, there is one thing that can be discerned from the info: how ever big or small, I am a spiritual person and I have spiritual gifts.
But what the big question that should be asked is how in tuned are we all to our spiritual gifts...and have we given God the reigns to bring our spiritual gifts to completeness?
As a young believer, and once having learned about the spiritual gifts, I wondered if I possessed the Spiritual gift of prophesy. I had many instances of visions, dreams, nightmares and things that I dreamed that eventually happened that I could not explain. I was scared of it and I admit that wholeheartedly. But I did pray for God to reveal to me if this was one of the gifts that He had given me. I don't remember how long I prayed but it wasn't more than a year; still, it was long enough for me to be satisfied that it wasn't the gift of prophesy...but it was definitely a gift from God for something else. As I grew (and did numerous spiritual gift assessment tests), I came more in tune to the actual spiritual gifts I had or that God had given me.
Recently, however, I've been questioned on this very topic and it's been posed that maybe there are certain gifts that we all have. There are very good arguments and verses to back up either side of the discussion. However, 1 Corinthians 13 has the right answer. 1 Corinthians 12 & 14 are great passages to study the spiritual gifts (especially for the ones that some sweep under the rug: prophecy, tongues, healing and interpretation of tongues). But I think we miss a very important, important point that Jesus and Paul makes emphatically, and I quote Paul in 1 Corinthians 12:8-10, "Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away." And in Jesus' words in Matthew 22:37-39, "Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Why do many of us forget that? It’s not just about all the spiritual gifts we have or don’t have, it’s about how we love God and others. The real question is that if we truly love God and others, everything else will fall into place. But so many of us don’t, including me. A lot of us are about all the laws and picking out verses and interpreting them correctly AND incorrectly, and pointing the finger and saying “you hurt me or I hurt you or we hurt each other” and blah, blah, blah. But the first thing that should happen is that we need to love God completely and then others. And if we all came from a place of love from the beginning, all these little arguments wouldn’t mean anything and wouldn’t happen because we’d already know.
But yes, we live in a fallen world and though we are made in His image He tells us that we can never fathom completely who God is or truly the love He has for us. We fall so short because of our sin…but in the times that we do feel love for others, we are amazed at the feeling. But how awesome is it that at the times we feel we are truly loving and feel love, that His is still infinitely greater!
And so we go back to figuring out how to love more by picking out this verse and that verse and saying how we don’t do this or that enough so that’s why we aren’t loving like Him and why we can’t be friends with everyone and giving ourselves and each other excuses…excuses from our past, how we were raised differently, how we experienced different things, how only those in our situation can understand us, how we seem to think that there is some underlining negative meaning behind every word that someone says to us and that they are innately evil.
That’s a load of you-know-what and I know I have been guilty of it. It’s about love, people! The answer to all of our questions is one four-letter word: L-O-V-E.
That is my Bible study for tonight and it is so fitting. God knows that I need to find more ways to love and to let go of all the drama, all the negativity that is surrounding me. Some of it is unwarranted and unfair; some is rightfully so…but all of it is forgiven…
Because He showed us how to love with three rusty nails and a cross. What better example and picture of love can anyone think of? We can’t because it’s the greatest Love of all.
I Corinthians 12, 13, 14
The first thing I have to say is that I love my new Bible...it's the New King James Version. It is so good and so much closer to accuracy than the ones I have. If I read it and then another version, it gives a really good perspective on what the verse/passage really means.
Okay, so now to what I got on here to write about...
I was once told by a friend that they looked up to me as a spiritual leader....in the next conversation, they said that they may have been wrong to look to me as a spiritual leader (this was after, of course, I shied away from being seen as one since I told them that I was not perfect and that they should look to Jesus more than me). Yet another friend a few weeks ago commented on how she never knew how deep I was about spiritual matters until I spent three hours one late Sunday night talking to them about our spiritual heritage, beliefs and knowledge. To be really honest with you, this has been one of the things I've been contemplating (which I do a lot...as you can tell).
First, what is it that makes us spiritual leaders or deep? Second, how are we seen as a spiritual leader to one but not to another? Third, what makes a spiritual leader or who should be one...who is worthy to be someone's spiritual leader?
These are all tricky questions...and in my situation, you'd have to know the other people involved to know why they felt these ways individually. However, there is one thing that can be discerned from the info: how ever big or small, I am a spiritual person and I have spiritual gifts.
But what the big question that should be asked is how in tuned are we all to our spiritual gifts...and have we given God the reigns to bring our spiritual gifts to completeness?
As a young believer, and once having learned about the spiritual gifts, I wondered if I possessed the Spiritual gift of prophesy. I had many instances of visions, dreams, nightmares and things that I dreamed that eventually happened that I could not explain. I was scared of it and I admit that wholeheartedly. But I did pray for God to reveal to me if this was one of the gifts that He had given me. I don't remember how long I prayed but it wasn't more than a year; still, it was long enough for me to be satisfied that it wasn't the gift of prophesy...but it was definitely a gift from God for something else. As I grew (and did numerous spiritual gift assessment tests), I came more in tune to the actual spiritual gifts I had or that God had given me.
Recently, however, I've been questioned on this very topic and it's been posed that maybe there are certain gifts that we all have. There are very good arguments and verses to back up either side of the discussion. However, 1 Corinthians 13 has the right answer. 1 Corinthians 12 & 14 are great passages to study the spiritual gifts (especially for the ones that some sweep under the rug: prophecy, tongues, healing and interpretation of tongues). But I think we miss a very important, important point that Jesus and Paul makes emphatically, and I quote Paul in 1 Corinthians 12:8-10, "Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away." And in Jesus' words in Matthew 22:37-39, "Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
Why do many of us forget that? It’s not just about all the spiritual gifts we have or don’t have, it’s about how we love God and others. The real question is that if we truly love God and others, everything else will fall into place. But so many of us don’t, including me. A lot of us are about all the laws and picking out verses and interpreting them correctly AND incorrectly, and pointing the finger and saying “you hurt me or I hurt you or we hurt each other” and blah, blah, blah. But the first thing that should happen is that we need to love God completely and then others. And if we all came from a place of love from the beginning, all these little arguments wouldn’t mean anything and wouldn’t happen because we’d already know.
But yes, we live in a fallen world and though we are made in His image He tells us that we can never fathom completely who God is or truly the love He has for us. We fall so short because of our sin…but in the times that we do feel love for others, we are amazed at the feeling. But how awesome is it that at the times we feel we are truly loving and feel love, that His is still infinitely greater!
And so we go back to figuring out how to love more by picking out this verse and that verse and saying how we don’t do this or that enough so that’s why we aren’t loving like Him and why we can’t be friends with everyone and giving ourselves and each other excuses…excuses from our past, how we were raised differently, how we experienced different things, how only those in our situation can understand us, how we seem to think that there is some underlining negative meaning behind every word that someone says to us and that they are innately evil.
That’s a load of you-know-what and I know I have been guilty of it. It’s about love, people! The answer to all of our questions is one four-letter word: L-O-V-E.
That is my Bible study for tonight and it is so fitting. God knows that I need to find more ways to love and to let go of all the drama, all the negativity that is surrounding me. Some of it is unwarranted and unfair; some is rightfully so…but all of it is forgiven…
Because He showed us how to love with three rusty nails and a cross. What better example and picture of love can anyone think of? We can’t because it’s the greatest Love of all.
4.13.2009
Three Dogs & a 33 year old
I'm amazed by my friends. They are all creative in their own unique way. I love to watch and see what they do with their creativity...and I'm always awed by what they come up. I think I've become a student of others uniqueness...I love to study and watch they do and marvel.
I know that I'm creative in my own ways myself...and I truly enjoy being creative (I just wish I did it well enough to get paid for it). But last night was an example of both: a friends creativity and my creativity. It was very neat to sit there and do a project with a new friend and just be myself....no worrying about what I can or can not say to her, asking if she's having a good time or not, or worrying about what to do next. It was one of the easiest evenings I've had with a friend....and I don't really know her that well. But I got to know her better last night and I witnessed something so special about her...something that I know she doesn't see in herself yet but I'm praying will someday. She is spectacularly gifted and I pray for an opportunity for her to share those spectacular gifts.
But something that I'm very proud that I finally did is paint. Yes, we painted! I have never painted before...not truly. Saturday, I was in Hobby Lobby with a friend and finally couldn't resist the temptation any longer...I'd been thinking about taking up painting as a hobby off and on for 10 years but I've really thought about it seriously for the last two years...so I broke down and I bought acrylic paints, two 16x20 canvas', a painter's palette and a plethora of brushes. I was going to wait until next weekend or sometime this week but by the time Sunday came, I was chomping at the bit to get started. So, after my friend and I took a walk and ate, I couldn't resist any longer so I broke them out and started painting...and so did she. We had so much fun...and of course, being the artist that she is her "painting" came out so much more professional looking and prettier than mine. But, though I'm not as experienced as her with it, I thoroughly enjoyed myself because not only was I painting with a friend but I was painting for a friend. A friend of mine's birthday is a week from this Wednesday but her birthday party is next Saturday so I had to get started on her birthday gift. After realizing that the paints I bought would work for her project, too, I took the items out and painted them. It was so much fun!
I would totally be painting right now but I figured the three dogs would be a little distracting. Plus, I like spending time with them (which I am not doing while typing on this blog). They are such wonderful pets: Lela, Gracie and Betsy. I'm happy to be here with them but sad at the reason why. Their mamma's grandma passed away so the family had to go to the funeral. Boo. So, I am keeping them in my prayers and keeping their wonderful pets in my care. :-)
Getting back to the painting, it was a good release to a weekend where my emotions ran up and down. Friday was the one year anniversary of Stacey and my accident...and God was so wonderful to remind me on the one year anniversary weekend of that accident that what Jesus did was no accident. It was planned; it was meant to happen; it was destined so that He could show us just how much He loved us. I'm not superstitious or really pay much attention to signs, but the significance of this weekend being exactly one year after our accident, well, the meaning was not lost on me. During a week where I was dreading the day and gearing up for a super emotional weekend, God had other plans and His plans were so much better. I still questioned why God gave me the blessing of surviving, of walking away basically unscathed...questioning if I deserved it and if I have really been faithful and thankful and graceful for the blessing He gave me...if I've done Him and those around me good...if I deserved the blessing. And there were times that I felt I did not...but He would not let me stay there for long. He reminded me that He would do it all again...He'd die all over again for us (me) to live forever. He'd take over the driving, guiding my hands gently to a stop...and sending an angel to calm us as we looked out the window (we're convinced that woman was an angel...she was so graceful, calm, loving and merciful...and as quickly as she was there she was gone...she really was an angel, I believe it in my heart). So, right when I was about to succomb to the self-deprecating side of me, He reminded me of what this time of year meant...and that He'd do it all again, over and over, just so we'd know He loved us unconditionally.
So, though I'm 33 and still single, dog-sitting three dogs and have received blessings (which have begotten other blessings) that I don't think I deserve sometimes, He tells me that I'm beautiful to Him each and every moment of everyday. And I needed to hear that...
...and He knew that, too. :-)
I know that I'm creative in my own ways myself...and I truly enjoy being creative (I just wish I did it well enough to get paid for it). But last night was an example of both: a friends creativity and my creativity. It was very neat to sit there and do a project with a new friend and just be myself....no worrying about what I can or can not say to her, asking if she's having a good time or not, or worrying about what to do next. It was one of the easiest evenings I've had with a friend....and I don't really know her that well. But I got to know her better last night and I witnessed something so special about her...something that I know she doesn't see in herself yet but I'm praying will someday. She is spectacularly gifted and I pray for an opportunity for her to share those spectacular gifts.
But something that I'm very proud that I finally did is paint. Yes, we painted! I have never painted before...not truly. Saturday, I was in Hobby Lobby with a friend and finally couldn't resist the temptation any longer...I'd been thinking about taking up painting as a hobby off and on for 10 years but I've really thought about it seriously for the last two years...so I broke down and I bought acrylic paints, two 16x20 canvas', a painter's palette and a plethora of brushes. I was going to wait until next weekend or sometime this week but by the time Sunday came, I was chomping at the bit to get started. So, after my friend and I took a walk and ate, I couldn't resist any longer so I broke them out and started painting...and so did she. We had so much fun...and of course, being the artist that she is her "painting" came out so much more professional looking and prettier than mine. But, though I'm not as experienced as her with it, I thoroughly enjoyed myself because not only was I painting with a friend but I was painting for a friend. A friend of mine's birthday is a week from this Wednesday but her birthday party is next Saturday so I had to get started on her birthday gift. After realizing that the paints I bought would work for her project, too, I took the items out and painted them. It was so much fun!
I would totally be painting right now but I figured the three dogs would be a little distracting. Plus, I like spending time with them (which I am not doing while typing on this blog). They are such wonderful pets: Lela, Gracie and Betsy. I'm happy to be here with them but sad at the reason why. Their mamma's grandma passed away so the family had to go to the funeral. Boo. So, I am keeping them in my prayers and keeping their wonderful pets in my care. :-)
Getting back to the painting, it was a good release to a weekend where my emotions ran up and down. Friday was the one year anniversary of Stacey and my accident...and God was so wonderful to remind me on the one year anniversary weekend of that accident that what Jesus did was no accident. It was planned; it was meant to happen; it was destined so that He could show us just how much He loved us. I'm not superstitious or really pay much attention to signs, but the significance of this weekend being exactly one year after our accident, well, the meaning was not lost on me. During a week where I was dreading the day and gearing up for a super emotional weekend, God had other plans and His plans were so much better. I still questioned why God gave me the blessing of surviving, of walking away basically unscathed...questioning if I deserved it and if I have really been faithful and thankful and graceful for the blessing He gave me...if I've done Him and those around me good...if I deserved the blessing. And there were times that I felt I did not...but He would not let me stay there for long. He reminded me that He would do it all again...He'd die all over again for us (me) to live forever. He'd take over the driving, guiding my hands gently to a stop...and sending an angel to calm us as we looked out the window (we're convinced that woman was an angel...she was so graceful, calm, loving and merciful...and as quickly as she was there she was gone...she really was an angel, I believe it in my heart). So, right when I was about to succomb to the self-deprecating side of me, He reminded me of what this time of year meant...and that He'd do it all again, over and over, just so we'd know He loved us unconditionally.
So, though I'm 33 and still single, dog-sitting three dogs and have received blessings (which have begotten other blessings) that I don't think I deserve sometimes, He tells me that I'm beautiful to Him each and every moment of everyday. And I needed to hear that...
...and He knew that, too. :-)
4.09.2009
A week later...
I finally feel like myself again. I think I'm Tiffers again. That's a good thing...right?
It is but it's not. I still have some things to work on and there is still a lot that I don't understand. However, I know that I have grown...I know that I've been able to make decisions that were hard but right...and I know I've changed a lot of things for the better...and all in the last year.
In 17 hours and 26 minutes, it will be one year to the day that Stacey and I walked away from our car accident (6:06 p.m. April 10, 2008). I am a reflective person so it's very hard for me not to think about it or to think about the past year and what has happened. As cliche as this is I have to say it: there have been ups and downs and a lot of learning. But the only question that I keep asking myself is...have I really changed?...have I really grown in the right ways?...have I made enough right decisions to nullify the bad ones?...have I missed anything that I needed to have seen, done or not do? I wish I had an answer...the answer. But I don't.
And I don't think I'm supposed to...yet. On one hand, it's only been a year. On the other, I wish a year was enough. But it isn't. There are lawyers, insurance companies, doctors appointments and settlements still to decide. That brings with it the memories, losses, hurts, pains, visions reminders and the knowledge that I was one of the few that walked away...and that means guilt. Guilt for surviving when others didn't. And then right after the guilt comes relief. Relief that I get a second chance to do my life better. To have a life that is better served in, with and for God.
And then the same questions comes again, this time with tears in my eyes...have I changed? Have I made this new life better than the first? Or am I wasting the blessing God gave me?
The answer: I don't know. That makes the tears come more. Though they are flowing now, I also feel that they are good. They are release...however small...from the last year and the ones before it. From knowing the answers, any answers. From being perfect or being better...for knowing that being me is enough. Being Tiffers is enough. God loves her in any form.
And that makes me happy but motivated to love Him back more and to love those around me more...even though there have been some, are some and will be some that I find hard to love. I have to still do it.
Easier said than done, but not impossible.
The tears are stopped. Released. Renewed. Now, I'm ready to rest. Good night! :-)
It is but it's not. I still have some things to work on and there is still a lot that I don't understand. However, I know that I have grown...I know that I've been able to make decisions that were hard but right...and I know I've changed a lot of things for the better...and all in the last year.
In 17 hours and 26 minutes, it will be one year to the day that Stacey and I walked away from our car accident (6:06 p.m. April 10, 2008). I am a reflective person so it's very hard for me not to think about it or to think about the past year and what has happened. As cliche as this is I have to say it: there have been ups and downs and a lot of learning. But the only question that I keep asking myself is...have I really changed?...have I really grown in the right ways?...have I made enough right decisions to nullify the bad ones?...have I missed anything that I needed to have seen, done or not do? I wish I had an answer...the answer. But I don't.
And I don't think I'm supposed to...yet. On one hand, it's only been a year. On the other, I wish a year was enough. But it isn't. There are lawyers, insurance companies, doctors appointments and settlements still to decide. That brings with it the memories, losses, hurts, pains, visions reminders and the knowledge that I was one of the few that walked away...and that means guilt. Guilt for surviving when others didn't. And then right after the guilt comes relief. Relief that I get a second chance to do my life better. To have a life that is better served in, with and for God.
And then the same questions comes again, this time with tears in my eyes...have I changed? Have I made this new life better than the first? Or am I wasting the blessing God gave me?
The answer: I don't know. That makes the tears come more. Though they are flowing now, I also feel that they are good. They are release...however small...from the last year and the ones before it. From knowing the answers, any answers. From being perfect or being better...for knowing that being me is enough. Being Tiffers is enough. God loves her in any form.
And that makes me happy but motivated to love Him back more and to love those around me more...even though there have been some, are some and will be some that I find hard to love. I have to still do it.
Easier said than done, but not impossible.
The tears are stopped. Released. Renewed. Now, I'm ready to rest. Good night! :-)
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