A week later...

I finally feel like myself again. I think I'm Tiffers again. That's a good thing...right?

It is but it's not. I still have some things to work on and there is still a lot that I don't understand. However, I know that I have grown...I know that I've been able to make decisions that were hard but right...and I know I've changed a lot of things for the better...and all in the last year.

In 17 hours and 26 minutes, it will be one year to the day that Stacey and I walked away from our car accident (6:06 p.m. April 10, 2008). I am a reflective person so it's very hard for me not to think about it or to think about the past year and what has happened. As cliche as this is I have to say it: there have been ups and downs and a lot of learning. But the only question that I keep asking myself is...have I really changed?...have I really grown in the right ways?...have I made enough right decisions to nullify the bad ones?...have I missed anything that I needed to have seen, done or not do? I wish I had an answer...the answer. But I don't.

And I don't think I'm supposed to...yet. On one hand, it's only been a year. On the other, I wish a year was enough. But it isn't. There are lawyers, insurance companies, doctors appointments and settlements still to decide. That brings with it the memories, losses, hurts, pains, visions reminders and the knowledge that I was one of the few that walked away...and that means guilt. Guilt for surviving when others didn't. And then right after the guilt comes relief. Relief that I get a second chance to do my life better. To have a life that is better served in, with and for God.

And then the same questions comes again, this time with tears in my eyes...have I changed? Have I made this new life better than the first? Or am I wasting the blessing God gave me?

The answer: I don't know. That makes the tears come more. Though they are flowing now, I also feel that they are good. They are release...however small...from the last year and the ones before it. From knowing the answers, any answers. From being perfect or being better...for knowing that being me is enough. Being Tiffers is enough. God loves her in any form.

And that makes me happy but motivated to love Him back more and to love those around me more...even though there have been some, are some and will be some that I find hard to love. I have to still do it.

Easier said than done, but not impossible.

The tears are stopped. Released. Renewed. Now, I'm ready to rest. Good night! :-)