You wouldn't think that a topic like that would be dealt with in a book of writing exercises. It might be in a "how to be a write in a cold hard world" book or something like that, but not in one meant to help you actually write. Well, it is in mine...and God used it as one of His creative ways to get me to thinking and to grow beyond my current situation.
This has been a very difficult week for me when it comes to being myself. Waking, working, breathing, playing life...having nothing to do with those around me or their situations. Just mine: my decisions, my job, my personality, my weaknesses, my strengths, yada yada yada. Why am I being so self-ish for this blog today? Because this week, I had to deal with myself - the good, the bad, the ugly & the beautiful.
I'm not going to go into the details of all that happened. I have only shared them with two people and that's how it is going to stay for now. There is a third person but she only knows a few things. I do not want to burden her with my burdens right now. She is a dear, dear friend but this time this isn't something she can help me fix. Still, I know she will be there for me in the most important way: just being my friend.
Back to the point...
So many of us want so much in life...and somehow some of us just have trouble getting it or even liking ourselves. Even a few of us who know truly that God loves us, hang on to parts of our human side and don't give up control. Though we know doing that can separate us from God and take us down paths that only lead to more disappointments and weakness, we still do it to prove that we can. And some of us are successful, for a while. But others of us, like myself, let others determine who we are and the funny part of that is that they don't know they're doing it. Why? Because WE put it in our heads that they are. WE see thier successes as a negative thing, as a reflection on our inadequacies...sometimes even a judgement against ourselves. When we do this, we fall into one of two categories: either we blame them for our inadequacies, or we degrade our self-worth believing that we could never be that good. I tend to fall in the latter category, and so do some of my friends.
This week, however, I learned something else about this. Through having to deal immediatel with some very important issues in my life, I had to realize in a few quick moments that no one can make me fail but myself. I already know this but haven't really lived it. There are moments that I've recovered immediately - but those are few. This week, I had to stand on my own two feet completely with no help...but this time, I not only gave the burdens to the Lord but I acted on them as well. He has been faithful and has told me to continue to do what I need to do, and He will make it for the good. So I did. And as hard and as lonely as it was to handle on my own, I know that I needed to do it alone - at least for now. He has cautioned me not to let pride set in too deeply...so I need to be prepared to ask for help when I need it.
In the state that I was in, God saw great opportunity to use something that I've struggled with to teach me a lesson...a lesson that I thought I'd learned but have only scratched the surface. It's about envy. I can't say that I'm a truly envious person. But the version of envy that I found in this exerpt, was EXACTLY describing a tendency I have within me, towards my writing and other parts of my life. I am so overwhelmed by it and so thankful to have read it that I want to share it...and I want to ask you if you can see some of yourself in this little article. Ask yourself honestly, if any of this rings true for you. If so, take the time to sit down and pray about it. I'm not "fixed" overnight but I'm more aware of a weakness I have that I can thwart much easier next time it surfaces...especially for my writing. I have hindered myself due to the talent around me. I gave up on myself. I need to believe in myself again.
Here is the excerpt. Have a great day!
Notes from the Department of Professional Envy
Five minutes after you receive your fifteenth rejection for a novel that took five years to write, a friend - who you genuinely like and admire - calls with a whopping book advance. "Wow" you say, stunned, as envy crashes in to slap your face. You feel run over, plowed under, taken utterly by surprise thinking: Where did this awfulness come from? This smallness? This resentment? I'm not prepared for this!
In fact, you are prepared. You - you and nobody else - prepared the place for envy to take up residence in your body and clog the places that should remain open to the imagination, to generosity. Everytime you believed yourself a bad writer, envy slithered a little further into your core. Everytime a better writer's prose made you feel diminished instead of inspired, envy slipped in. You don't recognize it at the time, have no idea the damage you're doing by resenting your own words as failures instead of stepping stones....
....There is nothing sudden about envy....the things you think in that envious moment - he can write and I can't; he is lucky and I'm not; he has vision and I don't - follow now from all the hissing you've been listening to and taking in without quite hearing it.
Self-doubt is not the opposite of confidence. Envy is the opposite of confidence. Envy is the thing that says: You will never be lucky. You will never be good. You will never have vision. You will never succeed. You will never have a life like his. Envy serves no purpose but to sap your resources, erode your confidence, and make you bitter when you should be grateful.....
.....It also helps to remember - helps me anyway - that anothers success does not equal your failure. Life does not operate on a zero-sum. Another's beautiful prose does not make yours ugly. Another's prize-winning poetry collection does not make yours a prize-losing collection. Another's smart essay does not make yours stupid.
No one else will ever write exactly what you are writing. No one.
If after this, envy refuses to budge, ask yourself this: Would you really want another life? You can't go around cherry-picking from this life or that one. Maybe you want his Pulitzer, her reviews, his money, her talent, but you'd also have to take his lung x-ray, her mother's death, his stutter, her truly hideous hair. And besides, you'd have to give up your singing voice, your friend Robin, the two hundred bird songs you know by ear. So, there you go. Life's a package, and you know - you know this - you don't truly want any package but your own.
Usually, the time-limited pity party works. Envy can't get you unless you're feeling vulnerable and inferior, so a day (or a week or a month)away from your work might be just what you need anyway. After a time away, you'll feel grateful for all the words that come, not just the good ones. If envy has any reason at all to exist, that's probably it.
Okay, so I didn't type all of it...and I did learn from the parts that are not here. Instead, I wanted to encourage you to pay attention to the meat of the article...and encourage you to go out and buy this writer's guide if you're a writer. It was a gift from a friend that is truly helping me to be a better writer. It's called The Pocket Muse - ideas and inspirations for writing. The author is Monica Wood and it's a small book. I'm grateful for my friend finding it and thinking of me to give it to (in addition to his girlfriend, who is my friend and on of the brilliant writers that I have honestly envied).
When you do purchase it, take the time to read this entire article. It's really helped me...I hope it will you, too.
10.31.2009
10.18.2009
Here's something else...
As I finished that last blog, another journal entry from last week came to mind. I don't have it here; it's actually at work...but I remember the gist of it.
Building upon the "giving myself up" idea, if I'm to marry, I want to be with no one less than a man who is in love with God first, me second. A man who is of God and not of this world. I don't want any pretenders. I want what I term a real man: a man after God's own heart and seeking His will for His life, and doesn't need a woman to define him, but to enhance him and be an encouragement to him. He must compliment me and I must compliment him. We have to be in relationship with Him together and apart. I know some are saying "you're asking too much...the men around us, including Christian men, aren't capable and don't want to be that or want to pursue us unless we come in this perfectly asthetic package." Though that may be true, the man (men, to be optimistic) I speak of does (do) exist...and, might I argue, they are looking for us, too. And, there may even be more than one who suit us in this world.
But we have to be open...open our eyes and our hearts to the possibility. God doesn't come in this perfect little box...He doesn't fit! So why do we have to have this perfectly wrapped package? It's not how it's wrapped, it's Who's inside. That's a capital W in who. And if the Who inside them is visual it's because we can see their fruit. You can see the fruit they are producing...and it smells exactly like what Jesus tells us it should.
That's who I'm waiting for. Oh, and by the way, this man isn't perfect. I'm not saying that at all. He's just got the right Who inside...and he seeks Him everyday...we both do. It doesn't mean that everything will be perfect; it just means that we're perfectly designed to be with each other. The rest is a work in progress.
It's a relationship; it needs water, nurturing and a lot of pruning. But I want to start with a branch that is part of the Holy Vine. I have confidence now that God will graft me to the right branch; and I'm willing to just live the life He's given me to the full extent that a single person can, until that happens. Then it's a whole new life, with many other ways to grow and serve Him, be pruned and bear fruit.
Now, I must bear fruit on my own; one day, I may be bearing fruit with someone else, a marraige and ministry. And, honestly, that is my desire. I just don't know what season I'm to be grafted or what branch I'm to be grafted to or even where that branch is! God does though; and I'm certain in this moment that I trust Him fully in that. :-)
Building upon the "giving myself up" idea, if I'm to marry, I want to be with no one less than a man who is in love with God first, me second. A man who is of God and not of this world. I don't want any pretenders. I want what I term a real man: a man after God's own heart and seeking His will for His life, and doesn't need a woman to define him, but to enhance him and be an encouragement to him. He must compliment me and I must compliment him. We have to be in relationship with Him together and apart. I know some are saying "you're asking too much...the men around us, including Christian men, aren't capable and don't want to be that or want to pursue us unless we come in this perfectly asthetic package." Though that may be true, the man (men, to be optimistic) I speak of does (do) exist...and, might I argue, they are looking for us, too. And, there may even be more than one who suit us in this world.
But we have to be open...open our eyes and our hearts to the possibility. God doesn't come in this perfect little box...He doesn't fit! So why do we have to have this perfectly wrapped package? It's not how it's wrapped, it's Who's inside. That's a capital W in who. And if the Who inside them is visual it's because we can see their fruit. You can see the fruit they are producing...and it smells exactly like what Jesus tells us it should.
That's who I'm waiting for. Oh, and by the way, this man isn't perfect. I'm not saying that at all. He's just got the right Who inside...and he seeks Him everyday...we both do. It doesn't mean that everything will be perfect; it just means that we're perfectly designed to be with each other. The rest is a work in progress.
It's a relationship; it needs water, nurturing and a lot of pruning. But I want to start with a branch that is part of the Holy Vine. I have confidence now that God will graft me to the right branch; and I'm willing to just live the life He's given me to the full extent that a single person can, until that happens. Then it's a whole new life, with many other ways to grow and serve Him, be pruned and bear fruit.
Now, I must bear fruit on my own; one day, I may be bearing fruit with someone else, a marraige and ministry. And, honestly, that is my desire. I just don't know what season I'm to be grafted or what branch I'm to be grafted to or even where that branch is! God does though; and I'm certain in this moment that I trust Him fully in that. :-)
Losing it all, or do we?
Here's one of my favorite movie quotes:
"You don't begin to live until you've lost everything." James Garner (also one of my favorite actors, way back to the Rockford Files).
Anyway, in light of current events in my life, this quote - and recent Bible studies - caught my attention today. Miss Social (that's me, if you didn't connect the dots) was on her own almost all day and I didn't mind it one bit because God had me to himself, and He had me a thinkin'.
Here is part of a journal entry today...it's in italics...the rest are my current thoughts a few hours later:
God tells us to give everything up, take up our cross and follow Him. Well, Jesus says it but we all know it's the same. Lately, I've been wondering if any of us really truly do that...before we follow through on something. Do we really give everything up? Or do some of us just pretend and give up something for awhile and try to classify it as giving it "all" up? Then when the thing we really want shows up - though it only looks like it's the real thing, but we know it isn't - we grab ahold, knowing it isn't really the real thing but we feel we've done our time in "giving it up?"
Oh, how I've done that so many times that it's become so easy to be blinded by the fake! It looks so real, so like the original, but it isn't.
And I'm not so sure now that I've ever truly given up everything or known truly that all I needed was Him. I know that He's given me some of the desires in my heart - but I haven't completely given them to Him, willingly and wantingly, to give Him the control in my life. The other desires are not from Him. They have been so hard to give up...especially when I see others who are getting them.....How do I give up those "other" things when parts of them are good? How do I separate the good from the bad? Or is the good I see in them a bad imitation of the real thing so it only "looks" good?
Okay, so that last part is a little cryptic but I didn't want to share all of my journal entry. My point is that sometimes we say we've given something up, only it's mostly lip service...and both God and us know it. Maybe our friends or family or anyone close to us can't see it. But God knows. And I know. Can I ask you to pose the same question to yourself?
I have been bombarded lately with people seeking, serving and pandering the "health and wealth" gospel...and other versions of it. There is a very important difference to having confidence in our Holy Spirit and confidence that if we are aligned with the right people or religion, that we'll be "prosperous" and "have all the true blessings" and always "be healthy" in every sense of the word. That isn't true at all and I'm really tired of people misinterpreting the Bible, old testament and new testament alike. I would like for those people to ask Abraham, Isaac, Job, Elijah, Ruth, Esther, Peter, Paul, John, Stephen...I'll stop there though there are many more...if following Christ meant having a posh life. At no point does God ever say that our lives will be perfect and without trials...and he doesn't ever say that just because we believe in Him, we'll never have trials. He does promise that He will be with us through everything...all believers in Jesus. Why do some people get so lost in having to be "prosperous?"
What He clearly asks us is to give up all of ourselves and follow Him. When we do that, we stop serving ourselves and we serve others. We help each other; we love each other; and we get to spread hope, joy and love to those who don't have any of that! It doesn't mean it won't be hard at times, it most definitely will be. I'm not being pessimistic or realistic...I'm pointing out that the most important thing in this life is to choose to "give it all up" and follow Him. In doing so, we'll spread His word (not ours, or some religion's or preacher's or ministry's) and bring His hope and joy and the promise of an eternal future to those who have no hope, no joy and no future. That is what it is about...and He never promises that it will always be an easy path. Some have died; and will continue to...because we live in a fallen world that has evil at every corner. But God offers us - all that He gives us - is worth giving Him our all and serving Him. Not this world; not something else. Just Him.
And there are a few things I haven't given up completely. I know that at this time in my life, even with all the uncertainty, that one of the things I have to truly give up is this: control over my future and that of those around me. I need to do what I have to but let God direct my steps. I can't sit here and stay on the same path I've been...that has gotten me nowhere because it was always about me. Now, in this moment, I have to do everything I know I'm supposed to do but let God show me the right path. I have some family and friends who are in similar situations...and I'm praying that they'll do the same, and not let their desires - which are not in line with Gods - misdirect them to the wrong path. Sometimes Satan uses those closest to us to misdirect us. Satan is truly not creative; he only uses what is already available. And what he uses can be so tempting and look so real. But he is cunning and we have to be discerning on what's from him and what's from God.
So, currently, I'm praying for wisdom, discernment and faith for everyone around me...including those who seem to be on the right paths...that they'll stay there and not venture to a new one unless it's clearly opened by God. I'm praying also for an open heart and mind for myself; as I find myself at a crossroads where I can go in many directions whether I stay here or move away. There are multiple options in each...and I need God to help show me which way is the best for Him to use me to add to His Kingdom. That is my duty as His daughter - His princess - and I want to graduate with flying colors, even if it means hardship may come my direction. I know it will not be in vain...because more people will know Him and feel the love He has for them. :-)
Before you ask it, no, I'm not "asking for" hardship to come my way. On some days, I feel I've had enough. But, I also know that my "hardships" aren't even close to most people...who may be starving to death, tortured, and the like. No, I really haven't had true hardships. If anything, I'm a bit of hypocrite since I want things to get easier for me, mainly financially. I'm even waiting for a check that could erase all my debt, which is coming from something that caused me pain, my passenger pain and the other driver pain. Really, $ doesn't take away all the pain...but it my case it would help put me in a position to be much more free to serve Him. So I am hoping and praying that the amount on that check "frees" me from bondage to things in this world that I should never let bind me. But it could be God's will for me to work through that bondage...and I have to accept that as well. He only does htings for the good; we make or let the bad happen, even when we know better. Yet, He blesses us anyway.
I just hope that I can one day know that I gave everything up in order to bless others...just like my Father did. He gave up His one and only son...for me...and for you...and for those past, present and future. That is unconditional love. I only hope I can give that back to Him fully one day...and let go of my earthly self in the process.
"You don't begin to live until you've lost everything." James Garner (also one of my favorite actors, way back to the Rockford Files).
Anyway, in light of current events in my life, this quote - and recent Bible studies - caught my attention today. Miss Social (that's me, if you didn't connect the dots) was on her own almost all day and I didn't mind it one bit because God had me to himself, and He had me a thinkin'.
Here is part of a journal entry today...it's in italics...the rest are my current thoughts a few hours later:
God tells us to give everything up, take up our cross and follow Him. Well, Jesus says it but we all know it's the same. Lately, I've been wondering if any of us really truly do that...before we follow through on something. Do we really give everything up? Or do some of us just pretend and give up something for awhile and try to classify it as giving it "all" up? Then when the thing we really want shows up - though it only looks like it's the real thing, but we know it isn't - we grab ahold, knowing it isn't really the real thing but we feel we've done our time in "giving it up?"
Oh, how I've done that so many times that it's become so easy to be blinded by the fake! It looks so real, so like the original, but it isn't.
And I'm not so sure now that I've ever truly given up everything or known truly that all I needed was Him. I know that He's given me some of the desires in my heart - but I haven't completely given them to Him, willingly and wantingly, to give Him the control in my life. The other desires are not from Him. They have been so hard to give up...especially when I see others who are getting them.....How do I give up those "other" things when parts of them are good? How do I separate the good from the bad? Or is the good I see in them a bad imitation of the real thing so it only "looks" good?
Okay, so that last part is a little cryptic but I didn't want to share all of my journal entry. My point is that sometimes we say we've given something up, only it's mostly lip service...and both God and us know it. Maybe our friends or family or anyone close to us can't see it. But God knows. And I know. Can I ask you to pose the same question to yourself?
I have been bombarded lately with people seeking, serving and pandering the "health and wealth" gospel...and other versions of it. There is a very important difference to having confidence in our Holy Spirit and confidence that if we are aligned with the right people or religion, that we'll be "prosperous" and "have all the true blessings" and always "be healthy" in every sense of the word. That isn't true at all and I'm really tired of people misinterpreting the Bible, old testament and new testament alike. I would like for those people to ask Abraham, Isaac, Job, Elijah, Ruth, Esther, Peter, Paul, John, Stephen...I'll stop there though there are many more...if following Christ meant having a posh life. At no point does God ever say that our lives will be perfect and without trials...and he doesn't ever say that just because we believe in Him, we'll never have trials. He does promise that He will be with us through everything...all believers in Jesus. Why do some people get so lost in having to be "prosperous?"
What He clearly asks us is to give up all of ourselves and follow Him. When we do that, we stop serving ourselves and we serve others. We help each other; we love each other; and we get to spread hope, joy and love to those who don't have any of that! It doesn't mean it won't be hard at times, it most definitely will be. I'm not being pessimistic or realistic...I'm pointing out that the most important thing in this life is to choose to "give it all up" and follow Him. In doing so, we'll spread His word (not ours, or some religion's or preacher's or ministry's) and bring His hope and joy and the promise of an eternal future to those who have no hope, no joy and no future. That is what it is about...and He never promises that it will always be an easy path. Some have died; and will continue to...because we live in a fallen world that has evil at every corner. But God offers us - all that He gives us - is worth giving Him our all and serving Him. Not this world; not something else. Just Him.
And there are a few things I haven't given up completely. I know that at this time in my life, even with all the uncertainty, that one of the things I have to truly give up is this: control over my future and that of those around me. I need to do what I have to but let God direct my steps. I can't sit here and stay on the same path I've been...that has gotten me nowhere because it was always about me. Now, in this moment, I have to do everything I know I'm supposed to do but let God show me the right path. I have some family and friends who are in similar situations...and I'm praying that they'll do the same, and not let their desires - which are not in line with Gods - misdirect them to the wrong path. Sometimes Satan uses those closest to us to misdirect us. Satan is truly not creative; he only uses what is already available. And what he uses can be so tempting and look so real. But he is cunning and we have to be discerning on what's from him and what's from God.
So, currently, I'm praying for wisdom, discernment and faith for everyone around me...including those who seem to be on the right paths...that they'll stay there and not venture to a new one unless it's clearly opened by God. I'm praying also for an open heart and mind for myself; as I find myself at a crossroads where I can go in many directions whether I stay here or move away. There are multiple options in each...and I need God to help show me which way is the best for Him to use me to add to His Kingdom. That is my duty as His daughter - His princess - and I want to graduate with flying colors, even if it means hardship may come my direction. I know it will not be in vain...because more people will know Him and feel the love He has for them. :-)
Before you ask it, no, I'm not "asking for" hardship to come my way. On some days, I feel I've had enough. But, I also know that my "hardships" aren't even close to most people...who may be starving to death, tortured, and the like. No, I really haven't had true hardships. If anything, I'm a bit of hypocrite since I want things to get easier for me, mainly financially. I'm even waiting for a check that could erase all my debt, which is coming from something that caused me pain, my passenger pain and the other driver pain. Really, $ doesn't take away all the pain...but it my case it would help put me in a position to be much more free to serve Him. So I am hoping and praying that the amount on that check "frees" me from bondage to things in this world that I should never let bind me. But it could be God's will for me to work through that bondage...and I have to accept that as well. He only does htings for the good; we make or let the bad happen, even when we know better. Yet, He blesses us anyway.
I just hope that I can one day know that I gave everything up in order to bless others...just like my Father did. He gave up His one and only son...for me...and for you...and for those past, present and future. That is unconditional love. I only hope I can give that back to Him fully one day...and let go of my earthly self in the process.
10.11.2009
I Still...
Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)
I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you
These are words to one of my favorite songs. You can call it destined; you can call it prophetic; you can even call it coincidence; but I call it a God-incidence that it was the song I heard second on my walk to a friends today. To be honest, it's really the first verse that got to me....you see, I've been very nostalgic of late. Seriously...I was crying at a fish pond last night. All good, happy tears. But reflective as well.
I have been in Indiana for 13 years, 2 months & 10 days. I have lived in Bloomington the longest I've lived in any city. Bloomington is home for me....and there has been a lot that the time here has taught me. I've grown up here...well, some could argue that I'm still growing...and they'd be right. :-)
But, right now, there is no doubt that I am at a crossroads. I am literally having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and I have no idea what that decision should be. No idea. Truly.
However, I am clear, certain on one thing: that no matter where I go this time...everyone goes with me. To me, the song "I Still" means that though I may or may not go away - or others in my life may or may not go away - they go with me in my heart, mind and soul....and that I refuse to let that go...in all the good ways and for all the good times. :-) "No matter what's been said or done...I still feel you" means two things to me: first it means that whatever has happened that I still love that person/them/my friends/family/people that are in my life here. And second, that no matter what has transpired in my life, He is still here...I still "feel" Him beside me, walking with my hand in His, guiding me.
It also speaks to me in the changes that myself and many of those around me have gone through and how it's changed us but how it's also enhanced who we are...the ways that we're the same and still ourselves, only better.
And I'm not going to let anybody go...they are all a little piece of me...and that partly makes me who I am.
See, I told you...I got a little nostalgic. :-)
Anyway, like another song states, "I don't know where I'm going but I sure know where I've been..."
"...Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams."
Dreams. Yeah, that's right. But this time, they aren't lonely. Y'all go with me. :-)
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)
I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know
That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you
Ohhhh
Wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go (without you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right beside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you
These are words to one of my favorite songs. You can call it destined; you can call it prophetic; you can even call it coincidence; but I call it a God-incidence that it was the song I heard second on my walk to a friends today. To be honest, it's really the first verse that got to me....you see, I've been very nostalgic of late. Seriously...I was crying at a fish pond last night. All good, happy tears. But reflective as well.
I have been in Indiana for 13 years, 2 months & 10 days. I have lived in Bloomington the longest I've lived in any city. Bloomington is home for me....and there has been a lot that the time here has taught me. I've grown up here...well, some could argue that I'm still growing...and they'd be right. :-)
But, right now, there is no doubt that I am at a crossroads. I am literally having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life and I have no idea what that decision should be. No idea. Truly.
However, I am clear, certain on one thing: that no matter where I go this time...everyone goes with me. To me, the song "I Still" means that though I may or may not go away - or others in my life may or may not go away - they go with me in my heart, mind and soul....and that I refuse to let that go...in all the good ways and for all the good times. :-) "No matter what's been said or done...I still feel you" means two things to me: first it means that whatever has happened that I still love that person/them/my friends/family/people that are in my life here. And second, that no matter what has transpired in my life, He is still here...I still "feel" Him beside me, walking with my hand in His, guiding me.
It also speaks to me in the changes that myself and many of those around me have gone through and how it's changed us but how it's also enhanced who we are...the ways that we're the same and still ourselves, only better.
And I'm not going to let anybody go...they are all a little piece of me...and that partly makes me who I am.
See, I told you...I got a little nostalgic. :-)
Anyway, like another song states, "I don't know where I'm going but I sure know where I've been..."
"...Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams."
Dreams. Yeah, that's right. But this time, they aren't lonely. Y'all go with me. :-)
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