The Pocket Muse: Envy

You wouldn't think that a topic like that would be dealt with in a book of writing exercises. It might be in a "how to be a write in a cold hard world" book or something like that, but not in one meant to help you actually write. Well, it is in mine...and God used it as one of His creative ways to get me to thinking and to grow beyond my current situation.

This has been a very difficult week for me when it comes to being myself. Waking, working, breathing, playing life...having nothing to do with those around me or their situations. Just mine: my decisions, my job, my personality, my weaknesses, my strengths, yada yada yada. Why am I being so self-ish for this blog today? Because this week, I had to deal with myself - the good, the bad, the ugly & the beautiful.

I'm not going to go into the details of all that happened. I have only shared them with two people and that's how it is going to stay for now. There is a third person but she only knows a few things. I do not want to burden her with my burdens right now. She is a dear, dear friend but this time this isn't something she can help me fix. Still, I know she will be there for me in the most important way: just being my friend.

Back to the point...

So many of us want so much in life...and somehow some of us just have trouble getting it or even liking ourselves. Even a few of us who know truly that God loves us, hang on to parts of our human side and don't give up control. Though we know doing that can separate us from God and take us down paths that only lead to more disappointments and weakness, we still do it to prove that we can. And some of us are successful, for a while. But others of us, like myself, let others determine who we are and the funny part of that is that they don't know they're doing it. Why? Because WE put it in our heads that they are. WE see thier successes as a negative thing, as a reflection on our inadequacies...sometimes even a judgement against ourselves. When we do this, we fall into one of two categories: either we blame them for our inadequacies, or we degrade our self-worth believing that we could never be that good. I tend to fall in the latter category, and so do some of my friends.

This week, however, I learned something else about this. Through having to deal immediatel with some very important issues in my life, I had to realize in a few quick moments that no one can make me fail but myself. I already know this but haven't really lived it. There are moments that I've recovered immediately - but those are few. This week, I had to stand on my own two feet completely with no help...but this time, I not only gave the burdens to the Lord but I acted on them as well. He has been faithful and has told me to continue to do what I need to do, and He will make it for the good. So I did. And as hard and as lonely as it was to handle on my own, I know that I needed to do it alone - at least for now. He has cautioned me not to let pride set in too deeply...so I need to be prepared to ask for help when I need it.

In the state that I was in, God saw great opportunity to use something that I've struggled with to teach me a lesson...a lesson that I thought I'd learned but have only scratched the surface. It's about envy. I can't say that I'm a truly envious person. But the version of envy that I found in this exerpt, was EXACTLY describing a tendency I have within me, towards my writing and other parts of my life. I am so overwhelmed by it and so thankful to have read it that I want to share it...and I want to ask you if you can see some of yourself in this little article. Ask yourself honestly, if any of this rings true for you. If so, take the time to sit down and pray about it. I'm not "fixed" overnight but I'm more aware of a weakness I have that I can thwart much easier next time it surfaces...especially for my writing. I have hindered myself due to the talent around me. I gave up on myself. I need to believe in myself again.

Here is the excerpt. Have a great day!

Notes from the Department of Professional Envy

Five minutes after you receive your fifteenth rejection for a novel that took five years to write, a friend - who you genuinely like and admire - calls with a whopping book advance. "Wow" you say, stunned, as envy crashes in to slap your face. You feel run over, plowed under, taken utterly by surprise thinking: Where did this awfulness come from? This smallness? This resentment? I'm not prepared for this!

In fact, you are prepared. You - you and nobody else - prepared the place for envy to take up residence in your body and clog the places that should remain open to the imagination, to generosity. Everytime you believed yourself a bad writer, envy slithered a little further into your core. Everytime a better writer's prose made you feel diminished instead of inspired, envy slipped in. You don't recognize it at the time, have no idea the damage you're doing by resenting your own words as failures instead of stepping stones....

....There is nothing sudden about envy....the things you think in that envious moment - he can write and I can't; he is lucky and I'm not; he has vision and I don't - follow now from all the hissing you've been listening to and taking in without quite hearing it.

Self-doubt is not the opposite of confidence. Envy is the opposite of confidence. Envy is the thing that says: You will never be lucky. You will never be good. You will never have vision. You will never succeed. You will never have a life like his. Envy serves no purpose but to sap your resources, erode your confidence, and make you bitter when you should be grateful.....

.....It also helps to remember - helps me anyway - that anothers success does not equal your failure. Life does not operate on a zero-sum. Another's beautiful prose does not make yours ugly. Another's prize-winning poetry collection does not make yours a prize-losing collection. Another's smart essay does not make yours stupid.

No one else will ever write exactly what you are writing. No one.

If after this, envy refuses to budge, ask yourself this: Would you really want another life? You can't go around cherry-picking from this life or that one. Maybe you want his Pulitzer, her reviews, his money, her talent, but you'd also have to take his lung x-ray, her mother's death, his stutter, her truly hideous hair. And besides, you'd have to give up your singing voice, your friend Robin, the two hundred bird songs you know by ear. So, there you go. Life's a package, and you know - you know this - you don't truly want any package but your own.

Usually, the time-limited pity party works. Envy can't get you unless you're feeling vulnerable and inferior, so a day (or a week or a month)away from your work might be just what you need anyway. After a time away, you'll feel grateful for all the words that come, not just the good ones. If envy has any reason at all to exist, that's probably it.

Okay, so I didn't type all of it...and I did learn from the parts that are not here. Instead, I wanted to encourage you to pay attention to the meat of the article...and encourage you to go out and buy this writer's guide if you're a writer. It was a gift from a friend that is truly helping me to be a better writer. It's called The Pocket Muse - ideas and inspirations for writing. The author is Monica Wood and it's a small book. I'm grateful for my friend finding it and thinking of me to give it to (in addition to his girlfriend, who is my friend and on of the brilliant writers that I have honestly envied).

When you do purchase it, take the time to read this entire article. It's really helped me...I hope it will you, too.