Musings of a laid off lady

OH, blog, I have been away so long. There has been much to say but no words to truly write...though I have been doing a lot of writing. It started with a re-emergence of an old story, a new came to me in a dream, and just today another idea came rushing into my head. It's funny though...all three have to do with relationships. They have to do with choosing, making decisions on what's right or wrong, ethical or unethical, Godly or ungodly, want or need, which man/which woman to choose, truly which path to take.

And then it dawned on me...all these stories in my head, these relationships, the situations that these people are in are so very real and so very much what my life is about, at least right now. Exploring them and ruminating, even dreaming, about the stories/the people in them, has just opened my eyes to a new world...a world that a lot choose to hide from...because it's messy. And then the second thing dawned on me...it's something that I used to hide from...the messy of relationships. Of course, I've also messed up some of them...they all haven't been the fault of others involved; I'm not silly enough or in denial enough to think that my pretty little hands weren't involved in some way to ruin them.

But at the end of the day, none of us are perfect. No one escapes failures and flaws and everyone has thier messes to clean up.

Right now, I'm looking for a job...but what I truly desire is to take all the stories that are in this head and put them to paper and have people read them, and enjoy them, and be touched by them, and not judge me for them, and love the risks I take with them, and hate that I don't risk enough in some. I want it all...the good, the bad, the ugly...because I want people to feel something when they read something of mine...whether it's pain because the words I've written opened a wound they would just as soon keep hidden, or make them cry and laugh tears of joy (yes, you can laugh tears of joy, I've done it many times, you should try it...it feels amazing) because they are so touched by the words on the page.

But I also want those same words to inspire people to live...to live in ways that I have not. To not be afraid of who you are - the good, the bad, the ugly - and to celebrate it - yes, fix what needs to be fixed - and to not be ashamed of it.

Well, I've begun to do that. In fact, I started the first one on Jan. 2, 2010. I like hats. Always have. Rarely worn. So, when I went shopping, I wore my black newspaper boy hat with a buckle on it. All day, I was complemented. Seriously! I even had a lady in line at Best Buy follow me to the check out register and proceeded to gush over my said hat and how cute I looked in it all while I was purchasing my items. An entire conversation transpired - all of the two minutes it took to purchase my items - just because of my hat. So, yesterday, when I was using a gift card at Charlotte Russe and had a few dollars left on it, I went back to where the hats were and picked up the one I had tried on three times in the 20 minutes I was in the store. I wore it today...all day. I wasn't out much...just to the airport and back...but I enjoyed wearing it. It was one little thing that made me happy and made me, well, a little more me.

And now, while writing on my blog for the first time in this decade, my head keeps thinking back to that new story, the third one, that I have thought of...and you know what I've realized about it? It's a screenplay. It isn't a short story at all. It's meant to be acted. I've never written a screen play. I've written a play and started a screen play...but never finished it. Probably because it wasn't the right story. Yeah, that just came to me, too. :-) It wasn't the right story; but this one is. And there are only four characters, two of which will take up the majority of the play/movie, etc. Hmmm...funny how sometimes when you're just writing your thoughts down...a story emerges and the dominoes that wouldn't fall for the longest time start falling. Wow...kinda nice when that happens and you think of yourself as a writer....it gives you hope that you just might be. At least, someday. :-)