It's the end of my seventh day at my new job. Things are going well. I even got my first paycheck today; it's only 3 days worth though since the pay period ended last Friday. I get paid every other Thursday, so my first full check will be two weeks from today. :-)
The great thing about this job is that I am busy and it's fairly simple to do. Yes, there's a lot of deadlines but it's very strict so clients can't be late. Totally different than at the church. Nobody every acknowledged the deadlines. It was very hard. I know that Emily is now experiencing that headache. But, at times, I really feel that they never utilized me very well so that I wasn't able to apply all my knowledge. Instead, they gave it to someone else and used me in a way that didn't cater to my strengths but my weaknesses. It's no wonder I ended up hating my job. Working here (though it's in advertising), I realize that I am good at what I went to school for. I know now that I would've done much better if I were given the opportunity to really prove myself; I never got that. I was just the "coordinator" and never trusted to use my skills. I mean, I had four or five meetings with our personnel director explaining to him all the things that needed to be done but without given any authority, I couldn't do them. He seemed to be behind me but if he was, my other two employers weren't enough to take his advice. Anyway, I'm feeling much better about myself and my skills; what I've been taught. I mean, I've been in journalism since 10th grade and I studied it for 4 of the 5 1/2 years that I was in college. I need to trust my instincts and my knowledge. If you think about it, they actually lost a good source to take them to the next level. But, then again, Jason always wanted to that himself so I never had a chance really. Oh well. I didn't want to work there much longer anyway. I just can now see that I'm more valuable than I give myself credit for.
Anywho, I don't think this ad is going to get to me soon so I might as well go home. It will have to wait until tomorrow (it's an important one so I was trying to wait to get it and send the proof out tonight but I'm half an hour past when I'm supposed to leave so I can't really stay any longer). See ya! :-)
6.09.2005
6.08.2005
New job, new outlook, new life
Have you ever wondered why you are where you are? I have...and it's frustrating so I'm not going to do it anymore. Why? Because I will never truly know. I just need to know that I'm there...where I am right now. I don't have to know why. If I did, I may not want to be here because I'm human and can't see truly through God's eyes; it's why I need faith. And right now I have a lot of that to go around.
I like my new job; it's busy, the people are fun, and it's interesting. Do I want to do this forever? No. I know that for sure. Do I want to be here longer than 2-5 months? Probably not. Do I like it? Yes. Again, it's constantly moving, keeping me interested and busy, and I love the people I'm working with. It's about to get crazy, too, since we're up against some deadlines, but I like crazy - just not everyday crazy. :-)
And can you believe that I've made a few more decisions? Yes, actual decisions have been made by me! I can't believe it either. Anywho, the first of which is that I'm not going to worry about painting walls or the like at my parents. It's too much pressure in the next four weeks. I have to continue looking for full-time jobs and deciding on the right color to paint the wall, for me, would take at least two weeks - let alone actually getting it painted before I move in. So that's decision one (thanks, friend, for helping me with this decision). :-)
Decision Two is that I'm going to look for a job for the next year here around Bloomington. My top priority is getting myself more stable in as many ways as possible. I fully realize that I can't get completely stable, but I can help my situation reach the next level towards stability. In order to do that I need to stay where I'm at and work at it where I'm at. :-) It makes life so much easier when you can work out your problems in the same place; moving them somewhere else (let's say another city or state) doesn't fix them; they just move with you.
So, Bloomington, I'm here for at least another year so be prepared. :-) Of course, there is that small chance that the DREAM OPPORTUNITY could fall in my lap but, with my luck, I'm not holding my breath. :-)
I'll just be super happy if I can pay down my debt by at least a 1/3 (preferably by 1/2) and have a good sum of money in my savings by July 2006. This is my goal; and to take a one week vacation to London to visit my friend Leslie in July 2006. That's it. And, if I think about it, it's a lot but I can do it. I have the support system to do it. :-)
I like my new job; it's busy, the people are fun, and it's interesting. Do I want to do this forever? No. I know that for sure. Do I want to be here longer than 2-5 months? Probably not. Do I like it? Yes. Again, it's constantly moving, keeping me interested and busy, and I love the people I'm working with. It's about to get crazy, too, since we're up against some deadlines, but I like crazy - just not everyday crazy. :-)
And can you believe that I've made a few more decisions? Yes, actual decisions have been made by me! I can't believe it either. Anywho, the first of which is that I'm not going to worry about painting walls or the like at my parents. It's too much pressure in the next four weeks. I have to continue looking for full-time jobs and deciding on the right color to paint the wall, for me, would take at least two weeks - let alone actually getting it painted before I move in. So that's decision one (thanks, friend, for helping me with this decision). :-)
Decision Two is that I'm going to look for a job for the next year here around Bloomington. My top priority is getting myself more stable in as many ways as possible. I fully realize that I can't get completely stable, but I can help my situation reach the next level towards stability. In order to do that I need to stay where I'm at and work at it where I'm at. :-) It makes life so much easier when you can work out your problems in the same place; moving them somewhere else (let's say another city or state) doesn't fix them; they just move with you.
So, Bloomington, I'm here for at least another year so be prepared. :-) Of course, there is that small chance that the DREAM OPPORTUNITY could fall in my lap but, with my luck, I'm not holding my breath. :-)
I'll just be super happy if I can pay down my debt by at least a 1/3 (preferably by 1/2) and have a good sum of money in my savings by July 2006. This is my goal; and to take a one week vacation to London to visit my friend Leslie in July 2006. That's it. And, if I think about it, it's a lot but I can do it. I have the support system to do it. :-)
5.25.2005
Here I go again...:-)
I don't know where I'm goin' but I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again.
Tho' I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.
Just another heart in need of rescue waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Recognize this? It's the lyrics to a favorite song of mine (and a lot of others). I heard it today on the radio and I realized that this is where I'm at. I researched a bit on my family today and the islands that we're from in the Azores. I want to go to visit for a couple days on each one. But I know why my family did not stay. It isn't a place that you can live well for long. They came here to America to find success and easier way of living. And I think my family has become extremely successful in this aspect. But the Azores islands are also known for their beauty; and one of the islands that my family is from is a huge tourist destination: Faial. San Jorge is not far behind it in tourism. I'd like to see both and stand on land that my ancestors once stood. I would also like to experience the mainland. But when am I to do all these things? Is it now? In the next year? Can I get out of debt completely by next Summer? It just doesn't seem possible. I have, including my student loans and my car and current medical bills for my back, over $30,000 in debt. How can I make that much "extra" money by June or July 2006? I would also need to have ample money in order to travel to all these places (my list includes more than just Portugal; another major desire is to visit my friend Leslie in London, and travel to France, Italy; even places in this country like Boston, NYC, Philadelphia - the original city of our government). Is this something that I can do over my life-time, maybe beginning with my honeymoon (which is awhile away being that I haven't found a suitable guy in order to even consider dating yet)? Or should my focus be to work as much as I can for the next months and start my travels now (well, I'd be 30 by next summer)? Will there be a future job that allows me to travel a lot? I have so many questions and so few answers. But some prayers have been answered; and the questions that I have are new ones.
Life is exciting, isn't it? Every day is a new day with new possibilities and new opportunities. It's what we make of them that shapes our lives and our experiences. Hopefully, I have done so mostly because I have kept my faith in God and have followed His will. I will have been successful, if I have done so.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again.
Tho' I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.
Just another heart in need of rescue waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
Recognize this? It's the lyrics to a favorite song of mine (and a lot of others). I heard it today on the radio and I realized that this is where I'm at. I researched a bit on my family today and the islands that we're from in the Azores. I want to go to visit for a couple days on each one. But I know why my family did not stay. It isn't a place that you can live well for long. They came here to America to find success and easier way of living. And I think my family has become extremely successful in this aspect. But the Azores islands are also known for their beauty; and one of the islands that my family is from is a huge tourist destination: Faial. San Jorge is not far behind it in tourism. I'd like to see both and stand on land that my ancestors once stood. I would also like to experience the mainland. But when am I to do all these things? Is it now? In the next year? Can I get out of debt completely by next Summer? It just doesn't seem possible. I have, including my student loans and my car and current medical bills for my back, over $30,000 in debt. How can I make that much "extra" money by June or July 2006? I would also need to have ample money in order to travel to all these places (my list includes more than just Portugal; another major desire is to visit my friend Leslie in London, and travel to France, Italy; even places in this country like Boston, NYC, Philadelphia - the original city of our government). Is this something that I can do over my life-time, maybe beginning with my honeymoon (which is awhile away being that I haven't found a suitable guy in order to even consider dating yet)? Or should my focus be to work as much as I can for the next months and start my travels now (well, I'd be 30 by next summer)? Will there be a future job that allows me to travel a lot? I have so many questions and so few answers. But some prayers have been answered; and the questions that I have are new ones.
Life is exciting, isn't it? Every day is a new day with new possibilities and new opportunities. It's what we make of them that shapes our lives and our experiences. Hopefully, I have done so mostly because I have kept my faith in God and have followed His will. I will have been successful, if I have done so.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
What was I worried about?
To know a little bit about me, you need to know that I'm character-driven. When I watch a movie or read a book, I latch onto character. It has been so with Star Wars Episodes 1-3. I did not want to go to see the third installment. I liked Anakin too much - and I was mad at George Lucas for making him so likable. I did not want to see him turn to the dark side even though I know he is redeemed three movies later. Okay, so now you know. I'm a closet Star Wars fan. I have the re-mastered trilogy and decided to wait until the release of Episode 3 to buy the other three, hoping that they'll bring it back in a trilogy, also. Although, I'm beginning to wonder if they'll just put all six together. Anyway, I've hidden myself by not collecting anything about Star Wars. I adore the story and the movies but I don't want to be linked to people who actually dress up to watch the movie. I think those people are fine; I have nothing against them except for the fact that my life is more than Star Wars. Though, I adore the story.
So I fretted and fretted and fretted on if I should actually see "Revenge of the Sith." George Lucas made me like Anakin. So, giving in, I decided to go right after work - straight to the theatre to watch it on my own. Otherwise, I'd continue to debate myself. I opened my mind and let George Lucas redeem himself; and he did. I came to hate Anakin. Even more so Darth Vader. And it were two things that turned me (SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET): Anakin killing the younglings and him taking Padme by the throught, almost killing her, his love - the whole reason for him turning was to save her from her supposed death. At that point, I was ready for Obi Wan to kick his butt. Seriously - I had no loyalty to Anakin by that point. He was evil, completely. And even when he asked the Emperor about Padme, the only thing I felt was sorry for him. He was blinded and gone.
This morning, I had another thought. I had to watch Episode 6 (just a few scenes). I watched the one where Luke rescues the gang from Jabba the Hut (that's just a great scene); Luke's last encounter with Yoda where he finds out about Leia; and the final battle sequences as he's fighting his father and the Emperor, and the rebel fleet is fighting the Empire fleet. Through it all, he still believed his father was good. He saw his good side. He saw good in something that was completely evil. And he was right. Isn't that what God wants us to do with others? See the good in them and fight for it? I don't know if George Lucas believes in God or not but He does exist. And He is good. And He wants good for others; and for us to see the good in others. I know it's cliche - using a movie to rationalize a point - but it's hard not to see the parallels. In our own lives, we go through hills and valleys at the same time. There's always something good with something bad and vice versa. Sometimes the bad has to come for the good to come. It's how life works; how it always has work. We can only have faith and keep our hope in each other. I lose sight of this a lot. I think of petty things and concern myself with them. Case in point: I argued with myself on if I should or shouldn't go see this movie. I spent precious time - no, I wasted precious time trying to decide on something so menial. We need entertainment, a break from reality sometimes, but it shouldn't consume our lives. I let it consume mine for several days. And it shouldn't have. We all have our likes and dislikes in life. I love to go to movies, to read a good story; as I said, I'm character-driven. But it shouldn't consume me so uch that my life centers around it.
And, then, if I really think about it and am honest with myself, my life may supposed to be character-driven. I want to be a writer and I want my stories, characters to mean something; I want people to identify and be comforted with them; as I have with others. But I've been too into others that I'm wasting my gift, and the time I have on this earth to pursue that goal; a goal that God may have for me. I will soon see in the future. So on one hand I'm a hypocrite and on the other hand I'm being lazy.
What was I so worried about in the first place? It's a story I knew the end to. My stories, well, I don't know the end yet. But it's high time I found out.
So I fretted and fretted and fretted on if I should actually see "Revenge of the Sith." George Lucas made me like Anakin. So, giving in, I decided to go right after work - straight to the theatre to watch it on my own. Otherwise, I'd continue to debate myself. I opened my mind and let George Lucas redeem himself; and he did. I came to hate Anakin. Even more so Darth Vader. And it were two things that turned me (SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET): Anakin killing the younglings and him taking Padme by the throught, almost killing her, his love - the whole reason for him turning was to save her from her supposed death. At that point, I was ready for Obi Wan to kick his butt. Seriously - I had no loyalty to Anakin by that point. He was evil, completely. And even when he asked the Emperor about Padme, the only thing I felt was sorry for him. He was blinded and gone.
This morning, I had another thought. I had to watch Episode 6 (just a few scenes). I watched the one where Luke rescues the gang from Jabba the Hut (that's just a great scene); Luke's last encounter with Yoda where he finds out about Leia; and the final battle sequences as he's fighting his father and the Emperor, and the rebel fleet is fighting the Empire fleet. Through it all, he still believed his father was good. He saw his good side. He saw good in something that was completely evil. And he was right. Isn't that what God wants us to do with others? See the good in them and fight for it? I don't know if George Lucas believes in God or not but He does exist. And He is good. And He wants good for others; and for us to see the good in others. I know it's cliche - using a movie to rationalize a point - but it's hard not to see the parallels. In our own lives, we go through hills and valleys at the same time. There's always something good with something bad and vice versa. Sometimes the bad has to come for the good to come. It's how life works; how it always has work. We can only have faith and keep our hope in each other. I lose sight of this a lot. I think of petty things and concern myself with them. Case in point: I argued with myself on if I should or shouldn't go see this movie. I spent precious time - no, I wasted precious time trying to decide on something so menial. We need entertainment, a break from reality sometimes, but it shouldn't consume our lives. I let it consume mine for several days. And it shouldn't have. We all have our likes and dislikes in life. I love to go to movies, to read a good story; as I said, I'm character-driven. But it shouldn't consume me so uch that my life centers around it.
And, then, if I really think about it and am honest with myself, my life may supposed to be character-driven. I want to be a writer and I want my stories, characters to mean something; I want people to identify and be comforted with them; as I have with others. But I've been too into others that I'm wasting my gift, and the time I have on this earth to pursue that goal; a goal that God may have for me. I will soon see in the future. So on one hand I'm a hypocrite and on the other hand I'm being lazy.
What was I so worried about in the first place? It's a story I knew the end to. My stories, well, I don't know the end yet. But it's high time I found out.
5.23.2005
Lime and reason
Yes - I'm obsessed with Pepsi Lime. I love it. But this isn't the first time I've had it. Two years ago, when I was in Honduras on a mission trip, I tasted it for the first time. I wondered why they had it there and not in the States. I thought that we'd soon get it there. I fell in love with it then; but my love was made into heartbreak. It wasn't there when we got back. In fact, they came out with Lemon Pepsi. Yuck! I have nothing against the lemon as a fruit but in soda it sucks. In water and tea, it sucks. In pies, it's marvelous! But to ruin my Pepsi - I would have none of that! And then, my rival, Coke, came out with Diet Lime Coke. Ugh! Why? Why couldn't Pepsi hav ebeen first here? It so rocks over Coke. But, then again, I'm a sugar-aholic. Coke just doesn't have enough sugar in it. It's so bland. But, recently, my love has found it's way back to me. And now, after many months of just about giving up soda completely, I'm buying it in hordes all over again - because I just have to have this Pepsi lime in my system. It's a moral imperative. :-)
Anyway, today I'm a little excited about my future. Yeah, if I think too much, I realize that just over a week from now I'll be in a new job that makes a lot less than what my bills require. But I'll be okay. I'm excited for my future. I know that there are good things and bad things along the way but I also know that God doesn't want me to sit on my laurels and watch them happen. He needs me to be me and get out there. He has given me so many gifts; 29 is just the tip of the iceburg for me. I had a good lunch yesterday with Alisa and Jen. We went to this new place after church and I found myself writing a story in my head; taking a mental note of the three of us and our lives, as if we were sisters sitting in a cafe in Paris, not where we actually were - a cafe in downtown Bloomington, Indiana, USA. it was neat to see what I did. To realize to myself of how stories, people and their lives interest me. At that moment, I realized who I really was and that all those years of saying, "I could never do that," was a total lie. I could totally do it. I really, really could. And you probably would like to know what I mean by all this. Sometimes, I forget to be specific with stuff because my brain goes so fast that my fingers can't catch up - even if I'm typing. :-) That's why I double and triple-check my e-mails before I send them. Yeah, I know - a little pathetic but I hate sending an e-mail and it reads totally different than what I really meant; and I can't stand misspelling anything. It's my biggest pet peeve.
Anyway, I got off on a tangent again - and if you know me well, you know that you have to forgive me because I routinely go on tangents - it's how I'm wired. Luckily, I have great friends. :-) Anyhoo, I could see myself traveling the world, sitting in a cafe, people watching, writing what I see or my thoughts at the moment and just taking in the different cultures. What's hindering me? Money. Flying over the ocean. Going to a land where I don't speak the language. The thought of not coming back to see my family. The thought that I'm 29 and want be married someday, which has to happen soon if I want time to have and raise the three kids I want. Seriously, I've always wanted what my step-sister and my brother have: three kids, specifically two boys and one girl. They both have the same thing: my dream family. But I can't even find a man that is worth giving "the rest of my life." And if I do take care of my money problems and find myself in a position, financially, to travel, will I miss him? Will my desire to travel forsake my desire and maybe God's will for my family because I left at the wrong time? And then again, if I don't do it, don't work towards this goal, am I giving up a dream that God has for me? This is a big question: it's about my future and God's will for me. It's something that I know he'll reveal the answer to in time. I just have to keep faith and be patient. A lot can happen in the next two months. I knew things would change for me a lot this year; and they have already. But there's more coming; I can feel it. There could even be a man; but I'm not so sure about who even though there's one that's interested at the moment. I think he's a great guy but I'm not attracted to him. But I don't want to not give him a chance if my problem is me and my short-sightedness. Time will tell and I know that I will make the right decision because all of the decisions I've made in this area before were right. I gave it to God and He led me to the right decision. I know He will do that now.
Oh, bummer. I just finished my Pepsi Lime. I should get back to work. I'm going to write later today; not on my blog but a story no less. I've decided not to write my little story from the other night down on my blog. It's not time - yet. It will be one day; maybe in a collection of stories, or to help me develop a character. It isn't meant for here; and I'm glad I waited to figure that out.
Anyway, today I'm a little excited about my future. Yeah, if I think too much, I realize that just over a week from now I'll be in a new job that makes a lot less than what my bills require. But I'll be okay. I'm excited for my future. I know that there are good things and bad things along the way but I also know that God doesn't want me to sit on my laurels and watch them happen. He needs me to be me and get out there. He has given me so many gifts; 29 is just the tip of the iceburg for me. I had a good lunch yesterday with Alisa and Jen. We went to this new place after church and I found myself writing a story in my head; taking a mental note of the three of us and our lives, as if we were sisters sitting in a cafe in Paris, not where we actually were - a cafe in downtown Bloomington, Indiana, USA. it was neat to see what I did. To realize to myself of how stories, people and their lives interest me. At that moment, I realized who I really was and that all those years of saying, "I could never do that," was a total lie. I could totally do it. I really, really could. And you probably would like to know what I mean by all this. Sometimes, I forget to be specific with stuff because my brain goes so fast that my fingers can't catch up - even if I'm typing. :-) That's why I double and triple-check my e-mails before I send them. Yeah, I know - a little pathetic but I hate sending an e-mail and it reads totally different than what I really meant; and I can't stand misspelling anything. It's my biggest pet peeve.
Anyway, I got off on a tangent again - and if you know me well, you know that you have to forgive me because I routinely go on tangents - it's how I'm wired. Luckily, I have great friends. :-) Anyhoo, I could see myself traveling the world, sitting in a cafe, people watching, writing what I see or my thoughts at the moment and just taking in the different cultures. What's hindering me? Money. Flying over the ocean. Going to a land where I don't speak the language. The thought of not coming back to see my family. The thought that I'm 29 and want be married someday, which has to happen soon if I want time to have and raise the three kids I want. Seriously, I've always wanted what my step-sister and my brother have: three kids, specifically two boys and one girl. They both have the same thing: my dream family. But I can't even find a man that is worth giving "the rest of my life." And if I do take care of my money problems and find myself in a position, financially, to travel, will I miss him? Will my desire to travel forsake my desire and maybe God's will for my family because I left at the wrong time? And then again, if I don't do it, don't work towards this goal, am I giving up a dream that God has for me? This is a big question: it's about my future and God's will for me. It's something that I know he'll reveal the answer to in time. I just have to keep faith and be patient. A lot can happen in the next two months. I knew things would change for me a lot this year; and they have already. But there's more coming; I can feel it. There could even be a man; but I'm not so sure about who even though there's one that's interested at the moment. I think he's a great guy but I'm not attracted to him. But I don't want to not give him a chance if my problem is me and my short-sightedness. Time will tell and I know that I will make the right decision because all of the decisions I've made in this area before were right. I gave it to God and He led me to the right decision. I know He will do that now.
Oh, bummer. I just finished my Pepsi Lime. I should get back to work. I'm going to write later today; not on my blog but a story no less. I've decided not to write my little story from the other night down on my blog. It's not time - yet. It will be one day; maybe in a collection of stories, or to help me develop a character. It isn't meant for here; and I'm glad I waited to figure that out.
5.20.2005
My pettiness is crystal clear
I was just sent this exerpt from a friend of mine. I have to put it on my blog; as a reminder to myself on how petty I am most of the time. I have serious thinking to do; we have serious thinking to do.
In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond, In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillion of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is "my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people...You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for you to own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan - to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, "God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better" ...God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? How can I be so stupid at times? Ugh! Sometimes I can't stand me. Good to know that He still does, regardless of my pettiness. It helps me to sleep at night - when there's not a thunderstorm, of course. :-)
In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond, In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillion of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is "my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people...You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for you to own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan - to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, "God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better" ...God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? How can I be so stupid at times? Ugh! Sometimes I can't stand me. Good to know that He still does, regardless of my pettiness. It helps me to sleep at night - when there's not a thunderstorm, of course. :-)
Okay...so I survived the storm.
Hi. I'm still here. I didn't get blown away; my cable and electricity didn't even go out. I don't know why storms scare me so much. I just hate that I am afraid of them. We all have our fears so I'll just have to deal with it.
I wanted to put my story from the other night on my blog. My mind keeps volleying the idea back and forth; I feel like I'm at a tennis match. I don't care so much that it's not that well-written(it was 11 p.m. at night and I was tired); it's just what it says. I think more people know about this blog now and to be so open - in that particular way - is a little scary. And it's something I can use in a future story; exploring the inside of people who feel this way. I know and I'm old enough to handle it now. There's been enough time and enough healing. That's how I feel, at least. I don't know. I think I should read it again. It might take a couple more times. In the meantime, I need to concern myself with Alexis, Will and Lacey - the characters in my current story which I realized too late was due last Monday, not this coming Monday. Oopsy.
I wanted to put my story from the other night on my blog. My mind keeps volleying the idea back and forth; I feel like I'm at a tennis match. I don't care so much that it's not that well-written(it was 11 p.m. at night and I was tired); it's just what it says. I think more people know about this blog now and to be so open - in that particular way - is a little scary. And it's something I can use in a future story; exploring the inside of people who feel this way. I know and I'm old enough to handle it now. There's been enough time and enough healing. That's how I feel, at least. I don't know. I think I should read it again. It might take a couple more times. In the meantime, I need to concern myself with Alexis, Will and Lacey - the characters in my current story which I realized too late was due last Monday, not this coming Monday. Oopsy.
5.19.2005
Maybe I should move...
We are under a t...watch until 9 p.m. tonight. The other t-word; not thunderstorm, though those come first. I really hate this. It's so scary. I try not to be scared but nothing seems to work. Maybe I should move out of Indiana and back to CA. Maybe I don't belong here. I mean, I haven't been able to get past this fear. It turns me inside out, every time. I try to be calm and keep my mind off of it, but it doesn't work. It's so scary.
I have plans tonight but I don't want to go. I want to stay home, in my basement. But the storms will be here before I go to work. And being here with a lot of people here is more soothing than at home alone - at least, here I'm with people I love.
Change the subject...maybe that will help. :-)
I just read a story online on Eva Longoria and her "connection" to Hayden Christensen (you know, Anakin Skywalker-turned-Darth Vader). Okay, so he's a hottie and she's a hottie but them together - makes my stomach turn. Yuck! Who knows if it's really true but yuck. They don't even seem to match in any way. I don't know; I guess stars just have no parameters on who they date. As long as their "beautiful" and pretty famous at the time, it doesn't matter to them. It seems that Eva doesn't know what she wants and is going after the hot guy at the time. However, I guess it's what "normal" women and men do before they find the right one: date. But it always looks like they make out first and date later. What's that all about? Sounds kinda fishy to me but to each his own, I guess.
No, you know what? I think it's wrong. You should date someone because there's a connection between you that's strong; that could lead to marraige. People date for the fun of it now; well, more so than before. That's not right. Divorce is rampant. People don't make the right decision when it comes to their social life because they don't see it as important. Divorce is seen as okay; and it is not okay. It should be for only the worst of circumstances; not a "well, if it doesn't work out, we can always divorce." This thought comes out of the this rampant "non-chalance" about dating. Eva is gorgeous and I'm sure Hayden would love nothing more than to say he "dated" her (and vice versa for Eva). But if they are dating then I hope it's for reasons that are real - and not publicity-related. It's just icky that way. And, again, who knows if it's even true.
And I shouldn't care much about who dates who in Hollywood; it's kind of a given that lots of yucky things happen there. And though all of us have wanted to be a part of it in some way at some point in our lives - to be famous - I'm glad that I'm not connected in any way (not that I ever could be - I'm not an actress; I ballroom dance great but not great enough; and my stories will probably never be published to the point that people know my name). :-)
I have plans tonight but I don't want to go. I want to stay home, in my basement. But the storms will be here before I go to work. And being here with a lot of people here is more soothing than at home alone - at least, here I'm with people I love.
Change the subject...maybe that will help. :-)
I just read a story online on Eva Longoria and her "connection" to Hayden Christensen (you know, Anakin Skywalker-turned-Darth Vader). Okay, so he's a hottie and she's a hottie but them together - makes my stomach turn. Yuck! Who knows if it's really true but yuck. They don't even seem to match in any way. I don't know; I guess stars just have no parameters on who they date. As long as their "beautiful" and pretty famous at the time, it doesn't matter to them. It seems that Eva doesn't know what she wants and is going after the hot guy at the time. However, I guess it's what "normal" women and men do before they find the right one: date. But it always looks like they make out first and date later. What's that all about? Sounds kinda fishy to me but to each his own, I guess.
No, you know what? I think it's wrong. You should date someone because there's a connection between you that's strong; that could lead to marraige. People date for the fun of it now; well, more so than before. That's not right. Divorce is rampant. People don't make the right decision when it comes to their social life because they don't see it as important. Divorce is seen as okay; and it is not okay. It should be for only the worst of circumstances; not a "well, if it doesn't work out, we can always divorce." This thought comes out of the this rampant "non-chalance" about dating. Eva is gorgeous and I'm sure Hayden would love nothing more than to say he "dated" her (and vice versa for Eva). But if they are dating then I hope it's for reasons that are real - and not publicity-related. It's just icky that way. And, again, who knows if it's even true.
And I shouldn't care much about who dates who in Hollywood; it's kind of a given that lots of yucky things happen there. And though all of us have wanted to be a part of it in some way at some point in our lives - to be famous - I'm glad that I'm not connected in any way (not that I ever could be - I'm not an actress; I ballroom dance great but not great enough; and my stories will probably never be published to the point that people know my name). :-)
5.18.2005
Couldn't sleep...
So much was running through my head, and from my eyes. I didn't want to cry myself to sleep so the thought I was having had to be put on paper. I wrote it down. I wrote something down last night. And then I fell asleep, not crying. I also read it when it was finished. It soothed me - which, if you read it, may seem demented of me. But it was only on paper. It was out of my head and wasn't as real anymore. I know that sounds weird but sometimes writing something down releases it from my subconscious and makes it more ordinary. Yes, there are times when I write things down that become more real. But the realness of those stories always serves a good purpose. The stories that I write down and feel a "release" from, are usually something my subconscious is trying to hold me down with. So, without trying to sound demented again, it filled me with ease to see it on paper, and out of my head.
It's scary in a way, too. Because though I'm "over" it, I still have a connection to it that's very real. However, I am beginning to see it as a positive; whereas I was afraid of it before. I'm not so much now. It's become an asset. How, I'm not sure. But it is one. I can talk about it, write about it and think about it now without really ever being concerned that I might do it. I know how it feels; and as I read the words I wrote afterwards, I can see that that reality makes the words real - to everyone, not just myself. People can identify with it; it's not unrealistic. It's real because it really happened to me; maybe not in that exact way but it reflects the reality of my situation from then to now.
In a way, I feel reborn. Not so much a completely different person; but I feel different in a way that I've never felt before. I still have anger and resentment but it's much less than before. And it's much more in a good way than in a bad. I don't blame those within the anger and resentment, just the circumstances that led there. I think that it's good that the anger and resentment is not towards the people anymore but towards that force out there that is evil, controlling those circumstances. But he will never win; because He who is in me is greater than he who is of the world. And he tries really hard; but He has already won.
I want to write my story here but I'm not so sure that I should. Though I know of only one person who actually reads this, the thought of putting this little excerpt on the web for anyone and everyone to see, is hard to fathom. It opens me up to strangers a little too much. But then again, it could help someone. Someone can identify with it and see that things aren't always as bad as they seem. Sometimes we just can't see beyond our own noses and interpret things totally and completely wrong.
I can't decide right now. I don't even have it with me. I will have to wait until later, tomorrow maybe. I don't know.
It's scary in a way, too. Because though I'm "over" it, I still have a connection to it that's very real. However, I am beginning to see it as a positive; whereas I was afraid of it before. I'm not so much now. It's become an asset. How, I'm not sure. But it is one. I can talk about it, write about it and think about it now without really ever being concerned that I might do it. I know how it feels; and as I read the words I wrote afterwards, I can see that that reality makes the words real - to everyone, not just myself. People can identify with it; it's not unrealistic. It's real because it really happened to me; maybe not in that exact way but it reflects the reality of my situation from then to now.
In a way, I feel reborn. Not so much a completely different person; but I feel different in a way that I've never felt before. I still have anger and resentment but it's much less than before. And it's much more in a good way than in a bad. I don't blame those within the anger and resentment, just the circumstances that led there. I think that it's good that the anger and resentment is not towards the people anymore but towards that force out there that is evil, controlling those circumstances. But he will never win; because He who is in me is greater than he who is of the world. And he tries really hard; but He has already won.
I want to write my story here but I'm not so sure that I should. Though I know of only one person who actually reads this, the thought of putting this little excerpt on the web for anyone and everyone to see, is hard to fathom. It opens me up to strangers a little too much. But then again, it could help someone. Someone can identify with it and see that things aren't always as bad as they seem. Sometimes we just can't see beyond our own noses and interpret things totally and completely wrong.
I can't decide right now. I don't even have it with me. I will have to wait until later, tomorrow maybe. I don't know.
5.13.2005
Oh yeah, the new job...
It isn't great but it will do. It will keep me busy and get a foot in the door. the only reason why I say it isn't great is two things: it's a temporary part-time job (no more than 35 hours a week for a period of 3-5 months) and the pay is only $9 an hour with no benefits. Other than that, it is a step in the right direction: Journalism. I still have to have a second job, part-time; and I still have to keep looking for the full-time, with benefits position that can dove-tail to a good career - one that would get me out of debt and relying totally and completely on myself (well, with God, too, of course) - not my parents or my family or friends in any financial way. That's what I want. I want to be able to pay off my credit cards, move into my own place (buy, not rent) and be able to have a savings plan for the future: my family, my future kids (if that's in God's plan for my life), and my retirement. That's it. That's all I want. I don't want to be famous or have lots and lots of money. Money is nice because everything costs money; but it isn't the only thing. So if I can just have enough to not be indebted to anybody or any institution, then I'll be doing very well.
I want to be able to give to charities and volunteer more easily. Because I have so much debt, I find that it's difficult for me to do that because I have to work to pay my bills. And now, that's going to be so much more important now. How did I get myself into this mess? I know I can get out of it but it's going to take a while and I'm not sure how it's going to happen. Maybe I AM destined to write "The Great American Novel." Who knows? But, then again, I don't want to be a one-hit wonder either. I want to write more than one, if that's myu niche in life. And I want it to touch people; even if my story changes one persons life, it would be all worth it. Boy, have I got a lot of research to do. Both stories I'm working on have possibilities and that really excites me. I just hope that I'm not getting my hopes up; because I love these characters and want people to love them, too.
Well, I better get to it, huh? There's no time like the present. I'm done with work today so I should use this time productively.
I want to be able to give to charities and volunteer more easily. Because I have so much debt, I find that it's difficult for me to do that because I have to work to pay my bills. And now, that's going to be so much more important now. How did I get myself into this mess? I know I can get out of it but it's going to take a while and I'm not sure how it's going to happen. Maybe I AM destined to write "The Great American Novel." Who knows? But, then again, I don't want to be a one-hit wonder either. I want to write more than one, if that's myu niche in life. And I want it to touch people; even if my story changes one persons life, it would be all worth it. Boy, have I got a lot of research to do. Both stories I'm working on have possibilities and that really excites me. I just hope that I'm not getting my hopes up; because I love these characters and want people to love them, too.
Well, I better get to it, huh? There's no time like the present. I'm done with work today so I should use this time productively.
New job, still anxious but that could be the thunderstorm that's looming...
Have I told you that I hate thunderstorms? Well, in case I haven't, I do. I really, really do. I've lived here 8 years and though I think at times that I've gotten over them, I really haven't. I can stay calm only so long; and usually only if I'm with a lot of friends around me. Still, even at Bible study the other night, I was very aware of what was going on outside. And really, I don't think it's the thunderstorm itself but the possibility of the damaging wind called tor..... See, I can't even write the word. It scares me so. I know that if it's my time, it's my time. But I also don't want to be stupid. I need to be safe, too. It's just a part of life.
I'm going to be unsettled for the rest of the day. I know that I will make it through the night and the storms but for some reason I still get anxious. I guess it's just one of those things that each of us have, those anxieties, fears. Everyone has them. Even those people who go on "Fear Factor." There's something they are afraid of. Maybe they aren't afraid of what they have to do on the show, but that doesn't mean that "fear isn't a factor for them." Maybe they're afraid of committment, of saying the wrong things. Everyone is afraid of something. And the t-word just happens to be mine.
I'm going to be unsettled for the rest of the day. I know that I will make it through the night and the storms but for some reason I still get anxious. I guess it's just one of those things that each of us have, those anxieties, fears. Everyone has them. Even those people who go on "Fear Factor." There's something they are afraid of. Maybe they aren't afraid of what they have to do on the show, but that doesn't mean that "fear isn't a factor for them." Maybe they're afraid of committment, of saying the wrong things. Everyone is afraid of something. And the t-word just happens to be mine.
5.06.2005
Woo Hoo!
On a day that finds the first bits of anxiety creeping in, I got some good news - finally. No, it wasn't a prospective employer but it was exciting news all the same. I had been dreading reading an e-mail from a very important person in my life right now. I had thought it would be negative and so I waited to read it until I knew that I absolutely had to: today. But I was pleasantly surprised: she liked it, in her words that she capitalized, A LOT! Yay! It's such good news!
I guess I should explain who this person is, huh? She's my writing instructor. I turned in my last assignment in late March and received her response pretty quickly. But once I looked at the article and her notes, I didn't want to look into the letter she sent (they are sent with every corrected article with further details of their instruction). I read the letter for the first time this morning. She loved my story idea, the characters and the way I wrote it; she just didn't like where I started it. Whew! I thought that she had hated everything. But she actually wrote that she couldn't wait to read the finished product. How cool is that? :-)
I keep dissing myself and my talent. I have a friend who is really gifted and even she's had trouble getting her stories published. I figured that since I know I'm not as good as her that there was no way, even with completing this class, that I would ever be published. I thought that I had tried really hard but failed with my last assignment. But that isn't true; it's just my insecurity getting the better of me.
So though I haven't had anybody call wanting to bring me in for an interview yet, this is good. I'm inspired to write this story; to be patient with God's will; to be proactive and positive in everything I do; and to give myself the credit that's due.
Funny, the last statement from my previous post has just been proven. God uses people you wouldn't of guessed He would in your wildest dreams. :-)
I guess I should explain who this person is, huh? She's my writing instructor. I turned in my last assignment in late March and received her response pretty quickly. But once I looked at the article and her notes, I didn't want to look into the letter she sent (they are sent with every corrected article with further details of their instruction). I read the letter for the first time this morning. She loved my story idea, the characters and the way I wrote it; she just didn't like where I started it. Whew! I thought that she had hated everything. But she actually wrote that she couldn't wait to read the finished product. How cool is that? :-)
I keep dissing myself and my talent. I have a friend who is really gifted and even she's had trouble getting her stories published. I figured that since I know I'm not as good as her that there was no way, even with completing this class, that I would ever be published. I thought that I had tried really hard but failed with my last assignment. But that isn't true; it's just my insecurity getting the better of me.
So though I haven't had anybody call wanting to bring me in for an interview yet, this is good. I'm inspired to write this story; to be patient with God's will; to be proactive and positive in everything I do; and to give myself the credit that's due.
Funny, the last statement from my previous post has just been proven. God uses people you wouldn't of guessed He would in your wildest dreams. :-)
A little anxious...
I'm trying not to be but I am getting a little anxious. It's never taken this long for me to hear from possible employers, especially for the ones that require you to e-mail your resume. The majority of jobs I've found have wanted resumes and cover letters e-mailed to them. I have sent in between 15-20 resumes in the past week and none have responded. Some say it's too early; but others say that for the ones that were advertising for an immediate opening and that I qualify for, I should have heard something by now. That unsettles me. I want to have a job by June. I don't want to go into June having to take the time I have "off" to find a job. I don't have that luxury. I'm still doing Mary Kay and I will help Barbara part-time at the studio but that won't give me what I need to get out of debt, pay my bills and my car payments. I am calm mostly still but the anxiety is inching up. It's there, simmering. I don't want it to do any more than that. I keep praying and staying positive. It's hard - but I know that if I didn't have my credit cards to deal with, I would be even calmer. It's those things that are making me anxious. The other bills I can deal with. The credit cards are too out of control; I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO FIND A JOB BY JUNE 1. There is no if's, and's or but's about it. Somebody just has to want me and see that I am a good worker and that I can be great at certain jobs; but that may require them taking a chance because a lot of things I'm great at I've not actually had a job in. I'm hoping that I find this person/company soon. Until then, I'll keep applying to everywhere in town and out of town. :-)
5.05.2005
Can you spell C-H-A-N-G-E?
Where to start? I guess I'll begin with my job situation; I resigned Monday from my position. Yeah, it was hard but it was mutual. This seems to be my favorite new word: mutual. I'm not so sure that all the parties will know how mutual it is (or was) but it's good that everyone is in agreement and is on fairly good terms. There's also been other shake-ups but I'm not allowed to speak about those openly yet - so I won't. :-)
I am looking for jobs right now; I even applied to ESPN. Yeah, that was a total off-the-wall application; I would love to work there somehow but I have no experience so I don't know if they'll even look at my resume seriously at all. I'm assuming they won't. But at least my name is out there - maybe for later. I have to do more applications today but so far I haven't even gotten a response from anyone I've already applied to - even the "immediate" openings ones; I usually don't have to wait this long. So, I'm getting slightly anxious. But, it is early and it may take a week for some businesses to even start to look at resumes submitted. I just have to exercise extreme patience.
I also have one other very large decision to make because of all of this - and that is my living situation. After asking my real estate management company a barrage of questions, I have come to see that the best deal for me may not be the best deal for my roommate. I'm taking hte rest of the week to think it over; in and out, upside down and around. Before I make a decision, I have to make sure I've looked at every option and can easily stand by what I decide - even if there is opposition. It will just depend on what I think is best for me right now and if that decision is not best for someone else.
And I'm dealing with the fact that I 'm disappointed in a few "friends" who haven't even talked to me about my situation; friends that are close. I'm trying to figure out how to handle that and have come to the conclusion that I can't care about that. I have something more important to do - and that is find a job so I can pay my bills. And I have to keep Christ in the center of all of it; I can't have these negative feelings towards friends if I don't know what is going on in their lives. But I can be thankful for the friends that have e-mailed me everyday (or called me) to encourage me or give me info about those jobs. Right now, God has put them in my life to help me. I can't wait until I can return the favor. :-) They don't know how much they are helping.
I have learned that everyone needs to do certain things on their own; however, that doesn't mean they don't need encouragement and a friendly face once in awhile. A hug from a friend or a short telephone call for encouragement can help someone get the lift they need to press on and not give up. And I've had that from others so I need to quit complaining and realize that God really does work in mysterious ways; and with people we would never guess.
I am looking for jobs right now; I even applied to ESPN. Yeah, that was a total off-the-wall application; I would love to work there somehow but I have no experience so I don't know if they'll even look at my resume seriously at all. I'm assuming they won't. But at least my name is out there - maybe for later. I have to do more applications today but so far I haven't even gotten a response from anyone I've already applied to - even the "immediate" openings ones; I usually don't have to wait this long. So, I'm getting slightly anxious. But, it is early and it may take a week for some businesses to even start to look at resumes submitted. I just have to exercise extreme patience.
I also have one other very large decision to make because of all of this - and that is my living situation. After asking my real estate management company a barrage of questions, I have come to see that the best deal for me may not be the best deal for my roommate. I'm taking hte rest of the week to think it over; in and out, upside down and around. Before I make a decision, I have to make sure I've looked at every option and can easily stand by what I decide - even if there is opposition. It will just depend on what I think is best for me right now and if that decision is not best for someone else.
And I'm dealing with the fact that I 'm disappointed in a few "friends" who haven't even talked to me about my situation; friends that are close. I'm trying to figure out how to handle that and have come to the conclusion that I can't care about that. I have something more important to do - and that is find a job so I can pay my bills. And I have to keep Christ in the center of all of it; I can't have these negative feelings towards friends if I don't know what is going on in their lives. But I can be thankful for the friends that have e-mailed me everyday (or called me) to encourage me or give me info about those jobs. Right now, God has put them in my life to help me. I can't wait until I can return the favor. :-) They don't know how much they are helping.
I have learned that everyone needs to do certain things on their own; however, that doesn't mean they don't need encouragement and a friendly face once in awhile. A hug from a friend or a short telephone call for encouragement can help someone get the lift they need to press on and not give up. And I've had that from others so I need to quit complaining and realize that God really does work in mysterious ways; and with people we would never guess.
3.22.2005
Wrong decision or regret?
I am fighting inside a gut-wrenching war - against myself. I don't know which end is up and what decisions are right. I feel guilty for letting people down; but it was the right decision to make, right? So why am I crying so much and why does it hurt so much? Why does everything today look completely opposite from yesterday? Am I feeling regret? Was it the wrong decision to make? Or am I just lacking enough confidence in myself?
Only one thing is really clear: I miss it - a lot. Dancing. It gets harder and harder every time the subject comes up. It's like my insides are being torn apart to the point that it makes me physically nauseous at times. Why can't I just forget about it, leave it alone? I can't do it anymore - not like I could before, not up to my standards. Physically, I'm still injured and always will be injured. It's not an injury that can be fixed; can get back to 100%. There are studies to show it; I can get back to 80, maybe 90% but that's as far as anyone has ever gotten. And that isn't enough to be able to do what I did. I was good, too. Maybe not the best or the greatest but definitely gifted. I was always a klutz at home but could find some kind of gracefulness on the dance floor. It was so much easier to dance than it was to walk.
I love it so much but I've asked God to take it away. I can't love something this much and be tortured the rest of my life because I can't do it. It's that upsetting to me. There are really some nights that I cry myself to sleep at night because of it. My former colleagues and students frequently ask me back to the studio but I rarely go. I probably average about 4-6 times a year. It's that hard. And each time I go, it gets harder to leave. But I have to because I cannot do it like before. Dancing is the one thing that I have to be perfect at while I'm doing it; nothing else really matters in that way to me. Though I desire to have a family and that sort of life, not having that right now is okay. Not being able to dance, that isn't so okay. It's torture.
Last week, I had some discomfort in my back (my injury). I didn't do much physical stuff at all and I was paying attention to how I walked, sat, bent down, etc. My back wasn't hurting because of those physical things; it was hurting because of stress. There is just so much going on that I could barely breathe or find the time to even sit down and eat a meal. And it's only going to continue for the next couple weeks; even without the addition of the activity I gave up. I can't dance if my back is out. I can't leave the people who are depending on me in a lurch; no matter what it is. And this would kill me in this situation. Plus, there are less than three weeks until the event; and still no word on when we're supposed to get together. I can't just learn something that I've never done in one rehearsal and remember it well enough to perform in front of 3,000 people. It's not how I work. And, I'm already busy with another ministry that I wouldn't have time to go to rehearsals.
But this morning I found myself in tears. I was so upset and so affected by some scriptures that were read at the end of staff devotions this morning. The lesson I got from them was that I'm not trusting God to take care of everything - including this. I'm not trusting Him to see me through this; instead I'm worrying about stressing so much that I'll end up injuring myself even more. And then, a thought came to me: Though my back was worse then than it is now, I was still able to dance on stage for Face 2 Face last May. I gave it my all and gave it all for Him. I trusted Him; and I really believed that the people who prayed over me were powerful. Not because of themselves but because they were praying in the name of the Lord. I believed that he would heal me enough to get through the performance.
I don't feel that now; I'm not believing that. Why? Why can't I just let God heal me again? Provide healing through the stress that is to come. I want to do it; I really, really do. But I decided, after how I felt last weekend, that I had to say no. It's too soon and it's too soon. I wasn't asked in time and I'm not as well as I thought. But is that all me talking? Or is that God telling me to be careful and patient - that this isn't the right time to try again?
But the scriptures were so real and so penetrating. So should I say yes, again, and hope to get through it? Or do I say no still - remembering that we had some great rehearsals for F2F so by the time the day of the event came it was clearly Satan trying to make me not go through with it; I knew it all by heart by then; and I've never been a lyrical dancer so how am I to learn a dance that is so foreign to me in so short a time? Amanda is amazing; she is so talented and skilled. I don't feel very worthy to be dancing with her, around her or for her. I respect her and her gift that much.
But am I still putting God in a little box? Does He need me to use what little gift I have left for His kingdom? Am I really fighting Him - and not myself? To some, this whole situation may seem trivial. But put yourself in my shoes - what is it that you truly love, adore and feel the most alive doing? Now think about how you would feel if it was all taken away - and that it was because you made a mistake, not anyone else, that it was taken away? My injury is my fault - totally and completely. I live with that everyday. I tell myself, "You can't blame anyone but yourself. You didn't release your hands in time. You didn't keep your head up. And it was you that panicked, not anyone else." It's a hard reality. And I've tried to close that book in my life. But it keeps opening up: do I slam it shut or is there a reason it keeps opening? I don't have much time to figure it out. I jsut need to lean on my faith again. I know that God will show me through my faith. Maybe something will happen today in our worship staff meeting; maybe they'll ask. Should I point them here? Or should I try to explain it to them, tears and all? I guess I'll know when it's time.
Only one thing is really clear: I miss it - a lot. Dancing. It gets harder and harder every time the subject comes up. It's like my insides are being torn apart to the point that it makes me physically nauseous at times. Why can't I just forget about it, leave it alone? I can't do it anymore - not like I could before, not up to my standards. Physically, I'm still injured and always will be injured. It's not an injury that can be fixed; can get back to 100%. There are studies to show it; I can get back to 80, maybe 90% but that's as far as anyone has ever gotten. And that isn't enough to be able to do what I did. I was good, too. Maybe not the best or the greatest but definitely gifted. I was always a klutz at home but could find some kind of gracefulness on the dance floor. It was so much easier to dance than it was to walk.
I love it so much but I've asked God to take it away. I can't love something this much and be tortured the rest of my life because I can't do it. It's that upsetting to me. There are really some nights that I cry myself to sleep at night because of it. My former colleagues and students frequently ask me back to the studio but I rarely go. I probably average about 4-6 times a year. It's that hard. And each time I go, it gets harder to leave. But I have to because I cannot do it like before. Dancing is the one thing that I have to be perfect at while I'm doing it; nothing else really matters in that way to me. Though I desire to have a family and that sort of life, not having that right now is okay. Not being able to dance, that isn't so okay. It's torture.
Last week, I had some discomfort in my back (my injury). I didn't do much physical stuff at all and I was paying attention to how I walked, sat, bent down, etc. My back wasn't hurting because of those physical things; it was hurting because of stress. There is just so much going on that I could barely breathe or find the time to even sit down and eat a meal. And it's only going to continue for the next couple weeks; even without the addition of the activity I gave up. I can't dance if my back is out. I can't leave the people who are depending on me in a lurch; no matter what it is. And this would kill me in this situation. Plus, there are less than three weeks until the event; and still no word on when we're supposed to get together. I can't just learn something that I've never done in one rehearsal and remember it well enough to perform in front of 3,000 people. It's not how I work. And, I'm already busy with another ministry that I wouldn't have time to go to rehearsals.
But this morning I found myself in tears. I was so upset and so affected by some scriptures that were read at the end of staff devotions this morning. The lesson I got from them was that I'm not trusting God to take care of everything - including this. I'm not trusting Him to see me through this; instead I'm worrying about stressing so much that I'll end up injuring myself even more. And then, a thought came to me: Though my back was worse then than it is now, I was still able to dance on stage for Face 2 Face last May. I gave it my all and gave it all for Him. I trusted Him; and I really believed that the people who prayed over me were powerful. Not because of themselves but because they were praying in the name of the Lord. I believed that he would heal me enough to get through the performance.
I don't feel that now; I'm not believing that. Why? Why can't I just let God heal me again? Provide healing through the stress that is to come. I want to do it; I really, really do. But I decided, after how I felt last weekend, that I had to say no. It's too soon and it's too soon. I wasn't asked in time and I'm not as well as I thought. But is that all me talking? Or is that God telling me to be careful and patient - that this isn't the right time to try again?
But the scriptures were so real and so penetrating. So should I say yes, again, and hope to get through it? Or do I say no still - remembering that we had some great rehearsals for F2F so by the time the day of the event came it was clearly Satan trying to make me not go through with it; I knew it all by heart by then; and I've never been a lyrical dancer so how am I to learn a dance that is so foreign to me in so short a time? Amanda is amazing; she is so talented and skilled. I don't feel very worthy to be dancing with her, around her or for her. I respect her and her gift that much.
But am I still putting God in a little box? Does He need me to use what little gift I have left for His kingdom? Am I really fighting Him - and not myself? To some, this whole situation may seem trivial. But put yourself in my shoes - what is it that you truly love, adore and feel the most alive doing? Now think about how you would feel if it was all taken away - and that it was because you made a mistake, not anyone else, that it was taken away? My injury is my fault - totally and completely. I live with that everyday. I tell myself, "You can't blame anyone but yourself. You didn't release your hands in time. You didn't keep your head up. And it was you that panicked, not anyone else." It's a hard reality. And I've tried to close that book in my life. But it keeps opening up: do I slam it shut or is there a reason it keeps opening? I don't have much time to figure it out. I jsut need to lean on my faith again. I know that God will show me through my faith. Maybe something will happen today in our worship staff meeting; maybe they'll ask. Should I point them here? Or should I try to explain it to them, tears and all? I guess I'll know when it's time.
3.21.2005
Birthday and Boys
So, I've been a little busy of late. This is my first entry in two months and one day. :-)
Yesterday marked my 29th birthday. Yep, I'm 29 - for the first time. :-) It's become a joke with my friends and I now. It's kinda fun to joke about ages. I still don't look my age but I'm coming to the conclusion that that's a good thing. :-) It was a good day all around. I even had some really good friends come over to celebrate with me. However, one thing came out of one of our conversations that disappointed me about a "friend" not present - and it was, of course, a boy.
You know, boys suck. :-) Why is it that most of the time us women want to be friends with guys that really just suck? Even if we are strictly only wanting to be friends, they still suck.
Case in point, my "so-called" non-present "friend." Apparently, he's been making fun of me behind my back to people that know me. I had to find this out from a mutual friend of ours at my birthday party last night. This is the guy that doesn't acknowledge, accept or give out apologies and will only joke with you if you don't joke with him. I'm starting to feel regret that I ever met the guy! And he's a Christian! But a good (and very wise) friend of mine reminded me that "just being a Christian does not a good guy make...you're also an adult, as is this guy I’m assuming [he's 9 years older], so the whole making fun of someone behind their back and acting like their friend in front of them thing should be something they got over a long time ago... don’t know why we’re always attracted to these kinds of people; I think it’s the innate spirit of a woman to be loving and caring and nurturing, and we are attracted to the people that most need our nurturing…even though they probably ‘deserve’ it even less than most!"
Did I tell you that she was wise? :-) I've learned to get over things lately; so I'll just get over this one. It still is a little hurtful, though. I will just have to accept that these types of people exist and just expect this type of continued behavior from him. It's sad, though. We could've been good friends; and dang the luck - I still don't have anyone to go to games with. It was so nice that he totally accepted me for who I was: a girl who enjoyed to watch sports as much as the guys; and I'm somewhat attractive to boot! So it's not like I look like a guy or anything and he wouldn't want to be seen with me. So, I guess he really doesn't accept me for who I am - unless it's as a punchline.
You know, there are guys out there that love me to go to games with them, platonically. And I know there is that really special guy that is meant to be my soulmate, who will accept me just how I am - sports fanatic and all. I haven't found either one back here yet, apparently. I have to continue to be patient and not let these things deter me any. So, dude, if you're reading this - you've just about lost someone that could've been a good friend to you.
What am I saying? I doubt he'll ever read this. Only a hand full of friends know that this blog exists. :-)
Yesterday marked my 29th birthday. Yep, I'm 29 - for the first time. :-) It's become a joke with my friends and I now. It's kinda fun to joke about ages. I still don't look my age but I'm coming to the conclusion that that's a good thing. :-) It was a good day all around. I even had some really good friends come over to celebrate with me. However, one thing came out of one of our conversations that disappointed me about a "friend" not present - and it was, of course, a boy.
You know, boys suck. :-) Why is it that most of the time us women want to be friends with guys that really just suck? Even if we are strictly only wanting to be friends, they still suck.
Case in point, my "so-called" non-present "friend." Apparently, he's been making fun of me behind my back to people that know me. I had to find this out from a mutual friend of ours at my birthday party last night. This is the guy that doesn't acknowledge, accept or give out apologies and will only joke with you if you don't joke with him. I'm starting to feel regret that I ever met the guy! And he's a Christian! But a good (and very wise) friend of mine reminded me that "just being a Christian does not a good guy make...you're also an adult, as is this guy I’m assuming [he's 9 years older], so the whole making fun of someone behind their back and acting like their friend in front of them thing should be something they got over a long time ago... don’t know why we’re always attracted to these kinds of people; I think it’s the innate spirit of a woman to be loving and caring and nurturing, and we are attracted to the people that most need our nurturing…even though they probably ‘deserve’ it even less than most!"
Did I tell you that she was wise? :-) I've learned to get over things lately; so I'll just get over this one. It still is a little hurtful, though. I will just have to accept that these types of people exist and just expect this type of continued behavior from him. It's sad, though. We could've been good friends; and dang the luck - I still don't have anyone to go to games with. It was so nice that he totally accepted me for who I was: a girl who enjoyed to watch sports as much as the guys; and I'm somewhat attractive to boot! So it's not like I look like a guy or anything and he wouldn't want to be seen with me. So, I guess he really doesn't accept me for who I am - unless it's as a punchline.
You know, there are guys out there that love me to go to games with them, platonically. And I know there is that really special guy that is meant to be my soulmate, who will accept me just how I am - sports fanatic and all. I haven't found either one back here yet, apparently. I have to continue to be patient and not let these things deter me any. So, dude, if you're reading this - you've just about lost someone that could've been a good friend to you.
What am I saying? I doubt he'll ever read this. Only a hand full of friends know that this blog exists. :-)
1.20.2005
Late start
I haven't posted anything on my blog, as you can see, for 3 months and 22 days. I've been a little busy. A lot of things have happened since then, too. Yeah, it's a new year but I think my new year started way before tradition. All these things I'm about to expunge to this website have nothing to do with new years resolutions - they're just life observances.
First, I'm so glad to have made certain decisions last year that, while I actually made them, I was still doubtful. How can you make a decision that you doubt even while making it? These, it seems, are the only kind I know how to make. Today, I sit before you typing and know that at least one of those was the right decision. Although financially I may be in a bind, it's necessary for me to "grow up" and "move up" from who I am and where I am in life. I'm moving out; no more roommates. It's not that I don't like my roommate; we're both working hard to make sure we continue to be friends after I move out. But there are some differences between us at our life points right now. It isn't fair for either of us to impose upon the other. Compromise is a great thing; until one feels the other is making them do it too much - which I believe is what has started to happen with both of us.
I can't really afford to go it on my own but I have to; it is the only way for me to truly learn to stand on my own once and for all. Make no mistake; I do not want to do so forever. I know that God has given me the desire to have a family, husband and all. But I have to make some "sins" right before that can happen. One of those is pulling myself out of debt. It's high but rather statistical. I am part of the majority of Americans - in debt, that is. But it only takes discipline, desire and patience to fix it. And I have to develop a lot of all of those beginning this year. I fully know that it will take a few years to succeed; I just don't want to wait any longer to start the process.
I have also begun a healthier lifestyle for two reasons: to finally get a handle on my lower back and upper neck injury, and treat my temple as it should be treated. God gave me this body to take care of for a short period of time. I need to treat it as God would. And, it seems, as I have changed what I eat, my body is rejecting the foods that are unhealthy. I can't have a sandwich at a fast food restaurant anymore without getting naucious. That's pretty telling. I'm not a health nut by any means but I have been paying particular attention to the food pyramid and you know what I found out - it works! By golly, it really works! And since I've given up soda pretty much completely, I'm drinking bad drinks way less and water way more. I actually feel better and don't snack as much since doing so. I had a little relapse today though; I was craving protein and flavor so I stopped by Wendy's and ordered a Spicy Chicken Sandwich - my favorite. However, I'm naucious now. All that grease and super spicy stuff isn't good for me and that's what my body is reminding me of at this moment.
I have to stop here and change the subject. There's something that has been bothering me. I haven't been able to see my friends to talk to them about it and I really have to get it off my chest, so here goes:
I was contacted through e-mail from a friend of mine that I haven't seen since the day after he came out of a coma over three years ago. We e-mailed for awhile after he recovered but he kinda stopped responding over a year ago (maybe two years by now). I'm not sure what to make of it. He said, and I quote, "I know we haven't talked in forever but I really valued your friendship and I don't want to lose contact with you." Really? Why now? I e-mailed him back, opening by saying, "I didn't continue to e-mail you because I figured that if you wanted to keep in contact, you'd know how to get a hold of me. I'm always here for my friends, past or present. :-) " And I am - but he hasn't responded back yet. I fear that our friendship, while it was close back then, will never be that way again. And I've had too many friendships fall by the wayside because though I was willing to "be a friend to make a friend," they didn't do the same. I don't want to be a doormat - especially to him. We were close. He could talk to me about stuff and I could talk to him. It was one of those guy-girl relationships that didn't have to be romantic to work. At one point, we both felt that way but it was obvious that our relationship wasn't going that way. For one thing, I was not interested in being with someone that didn't totally and completely know where he stood with God; and for two, he got in a bad car accident and almost died. Like I said, I haven't actually seen him since the day he woke up from his coma - 13 days after his initial accident. That was a big sign. But I miss him; I miss our friendship and just the person who he is; I like being around him, as most people did and probably still do. But I don't want to be dragged through an e-mail relationship like the one we had after his accident. It's too hard. It would be hard if he just stopped responding again, like maybe he already has. I know he's a boy and that's just how they are. But I look at friends differently; especially ones that I was close with or am close to. And he was one of those so I expect more than just an e-mail every couple months or couple years saying "I valued your friendship and don't want to lose contact." Hasn't that already happened?
I'm trying not to be harsh in my decisions but life has been harsh to me lately. And a friend not really connecting back to me really isn't very helpful. I don't know; maybe I'm just thinking to much. I'm just scared that this person that I truly loved is still able to hurt me - and I don't want that to happen again. I've lost too many friendships in my life for me to allow it to continue - and this one would be hard to lose - again.
Okay, so now that that's off my chest, I feel a little better. But I know I won't feel completely better until I take it to God. I really need to pray about it seriously. What if he's reaching out to me because I'm the only one that can help him or that he can trust? I don't want to miss the opportunity to help anyone - including and especially him. He didn't say anything about himself so maybe he was just feeling me out, making sure that he can still trust me. I hope my e-mail to him reassures him of my friendship; even with my doubts that its really the start of a new friendship. So many times things like this have happened and gone nowhere. Honestly, the telephone is so much better than e-mail. Typed words are so unpersonal. Real friends, I'm starting to believe, stay friends because they talk to each other over the phone or make a point to spend time with each other. That's the kind of friend that I want to be and that I hope my friends want to be, too.
Okay, well, I really have to stop now because I have to finish my work so I can get to the Chiropractor's office.
First, I'm so glad to have made certain decisions last year that, while I actually made them, I was still doubtful. How can you make a decision that you doubt even while making it? These, it seems, are the only kind I know how to make. Today, I sit before you typing and know that at least one of those was the right decision. Although financially I may be in a bind, it's necessary for me to "grow up" and "move up" from who I am and where I am in life. I'm moving out; no more roommates. It's not that I don't like my roommate; we're both working hard to make sure we continue to be friends after I move out. But there are some differences between us at our life points right now. It isn't fair for either of us to impose upon the other. Compromise is a great thing; until one feels the other is making them do it too much - which I believe is what has started to happen with both of us.
I can't really afford to go it on my own but I have to; it is the only way for me to truly learn to stand on my own once and for all. Make no mistake; I do not want to do so forever. I know that God has given me the desire to have a family, husband and all. But I have to make some "sins" right before that can happen. One of those is pulling myself out of debt. It's high but rather statistical. I am part of the majority of Americans - in debt, that is. But it only takes discipline, desire and patience to fix it. And I have to develop a lot of all of those beginning this year. I fully know that it will take a few years to succeed; I just don't want to wait any longer to start the process.
I have also begun a healthier lifestyle for two reasons: to finally get a handle on my lower back and upper neck injury, and treat my temple as it should be treated. God gave me this body to take care of for a short period of time. I need to treat it as God would. And, it seems, as I have changed what I eat, my body is rejecting the foods that are unhealthy. I can't have a sandwich at a fast food restaurant anymore without getting naucious. That's pretty telling. I'm not a health nut by any means but I have been paying particular attention to the food pyramid and you know what I found out - it works! By golly, it really works! And since I've given up soda pretty much completely, I'm drinking bad drinks way less and water way more. I actually feel better and don't snack as much since doing so. I had a little relapse today though; I was craving protein and flavor so I stopped by Wendy's and ordered a Spicy Chicken Sandwich - my favorite. However, I'm naucious now. All that grease and super spicy stuff isn't good for me and that's what my body is reminding me of at this moment.
I have to stop here and change the subject. There's something that has been bothering me. I haven't been able to see my friends to talk to them about it and I really have to get it off my chest, so here goes:
I was contacted through e-mail from a friend of mine that I haven't seen since the day after he came out of a coma over three years ago. We e-mailed for awhile after he recovered but he kinda stopped responding over a year ago (maybe two years by now). I'm not sure what to make of it. He said, and I quote, "I know we haven't talked in forever but I really valued your friendship and I don't want to lose contact with you." Really? Why now? I e-mailed him back, opening by saying, "I didn't continue to e-mail you because I figured that if you wanted to keep in contact, you'd know how to get a hold of me. I'm always here for my friends, past or present. :-) " And I am - but he hasn't responded back yet. I fear that our friendship, while it was close back then, will never be that way again. And I've had too many friendships fall by the wayside because though I was willing to "be a friend to make a friend," they didn't do the same. I don't want to be a doormat - especially to him. We were close. He could talk to me about stuff and I could talk to him. It was one of those guy-girl relationships that didn't have to be romantic to work. At one point, we both felt that way but it was obvious that our relationship wasn't going that way. For one thing, I was not interested in being with someone that didn't totally and completely know where he stood with God; and for two, he got in a bad car accident and almost died. Like I said, I haven't actually seen him since the day he woke up from his coma - 13 days after his initial accident. That was a big sign. But I miss him; I miss our friendship and just the person who he is; I like being around him, as most people did and probably still do. But I don't want to be dragged through an e-mail relationship like the one we had after his accident. It's too hard. It would be hard if he just stopped responding again, like maybe he already has. I know he's a boy and that's just how they are. But I look at friends differently; especially ones that I was close with or am close to. And he was one of those so I expect more than just an e-mail every couple months or couple years saying "I valued your friendship and don't want to lose contact." Hasn't that already happened?
I'm trying not to be harsh in my decisions but life has been harsh to me lately. And a friend not really connecting back to me really isn't very helpful. I don't know; maybe I'm just thinking to much. I'm just scared that this person that I truly loved is still able to hurt me - and I don't want that to happen again. I've lost too many friendships in my life for me to allow it to continue - and this one would be hard to lose - again.
Okay, so now that that's off my chest, I feel a little better. But I know I won't feel completely better until I take it to God. I really need to pray about it seriously. What if he's reaching out to me because I'm the only one that can help him or that he can trust? I don't want to miss the opportunity to help anyone - including and especially him. He didn't say anything about himself so maybe he was just feeling me out, making sure that he can still trust me. I hope my e-mail to him reassures him of my friendship; even with my doubts that its really the start of a new friendship. So many times things like this have happened and gone nowhere. Honestly, the telephone is so much better than e-mail. Typed words are so unpersonal. Real friends, I'm starting to believe, stay friends because they talk to each other over the phone or make a point to spend time with each other. That's the kind of friend that I want to be and that I hope my friends want to be, too.
Okay, well, I really have to stop now because I have to finish my work so I can get to the Chiropractor's office.
9.28.2004
Motivaton
I have chills right now - and it's not from the cold. If I ever needed motivation for anything, I just got it, from an unexpected person. I will not go into detail to protect the person's privacy but our devotions today were about personal "hurricanes." And someone shared theirs in such an open, honest and beautiful way. Ironically, it put everything into perspective for me. Yeah, that sounds selfish but it isn't. It was a kind of 2x4 from God, saying, "Wake up, girl! This is what you need to think about and to write about." I found my voice; I don't mean in the traditional writing way. I mean that what I want and need to have entertwined in my stories is the human condition. Even if it's a totally off-the-wall setting or situation, the underlying theme needs to be something to do with everyday feelings, emotions and, ultimately, how we have separated ourselves from God - bringing us to our current meager existance.
That's who Ellen is. She is the example, extreme I'll agree, but nevertheless the perfect example of our separation from God and our desire to find our way back to him. It's going to take work to get her there; but she can be saved just as easily and we can be. And my personal faith needs to be a part of her character. It is what I know the most about - how someone doesn't know Him but knows He exists. But, personally, I think I kind of stopped when I found out who He was. I haven't kept up my relationship in the way that He, or I, would like. Today's devotion convicted me deeply of that; and how I need to take it easy on my friends 'cause though I don't see my friends in the way that was discussed, they are still my friends. It might just take me opening my eyes to see that.
So now that I know why I haven't been able to let go of this story or this character, I better get back to it, huh? :-)
That's who Ellen is. She is the example, extreme I'll agree, but nevertheless the perfect example of our separation from God and our desire to find our way back to him. It's going to take work to get her there; but she can be saved just as easily and we can be. And my personal faith needs to be a part of her character. It is what I know the most about - how someone doesn't know Him but knows He exists. But, personally, I think I kind of stopped when I found out who He was. I haven't kept up my relationship in the way that He, or I, would like. Today's devotion convicted me deeply of that; and how I need to take it easy on my friends 'cause though I don't see my friends in the way that was discussed, they are still my friends. It might just take me opening my eyes to see that.
So now that I know why I haven't been able to let go of this story or this character, I better get back to it, huh? :-)
Why Can't I See the Future?
Sometimes I wish I could see the future. Of course, then I think, "What if I don't like the future looks like?" I mean, look around us. Some of us, like myself, have become oblivious to just how bad things are. I live in the nation that was once feared (at least, after the H-bomb). In history, we are the only ones to use a weapon of that magnitude against anybody; and once used, the world grew silent. Because we all realized that, though it stopped a war, it could have been the beginning of the end for many of the world. Now, it seems that no one is afraid of us. We can see that democracy is not perfect; but it's still the best government we have. In our country, though, the reason it was created and based upon has gotten lost. It's so sad. And then again can't we all see that it was bound to happen especially with the way that it was created? This country was founded as a religious haven to all, not just the Christians. It was founded on Christian beliefs and by those who were followers of Christ; but they went one step further and opened their borders to all religions - it says so in the Constitution itself. At some point, there is going to be conflict between those religions - and guess what - the Constitution allows it. But what angers me is that the whole purpose, reason, the one religion that this country was found upon is the one that is becoming "not acceptable." Are we so far removed from our birth that we don't know the One who gave us life? This country is a gift from God; though you can argue that it wasn't a gift at all with the way we stole it from the native peoples. Yes, I said "we." I'm as much to blame as anyone. You see, my family gets it's main roots from the Portuguese and historically, the Portuguese were the first to bring slaves out of Africa. Though my family didn't come to this country until the early 1900's our heritage is not so wonderful either because of slavery. I'm not saying that we ever had slaves back there because I don't know much of my family beyond my great grandfather - but we belong to a race who did. I'm sure if you take every race who has come to this country to flee religious persecution, you will see some of the same type of violent history in them, too. So, if you broke it down and thought of it in simple terms, human beings are guilty of much oppression within it's own race.
How sick that makes me sometimes. Especially since I know that I'm no better. I don't believe in slavery in any form (whether it's sweat shops, gangs, etc.) nor do I like any kind of war. But what makes me no better is that I don't contribute in ways that I am able to where I am at. Like most others, I am for myself an aweful lot of the time. I am clouded to everything else. I say the next thing with a little hesitation because I don't want anyone to groan - but of late I've been watching a lot of Star Wars so what I'm about to say will reflect that: when I said clouded, it's like this dark side has obstructed my view; I can't see anything paste this dense cloud surrounding the Force of my life (it occured to me last night, too, that George Lucas needs to give some props to God; a lot of the story is reminiscent of the birth of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior and God's own Son sent to save us from ourselves). Here's what I mean: I want to be in love. I want to be married and have kids. I want to see if that is really and truly in my future. On the other hand, what if, no matter how hard I try, my marraige fails and my kids don't turn out well. I don't want that. I don't want to see that; if I did I would have no hope for the future. And isn't hope something we all need? Jesus gives me hope that no matter how much I screw up, if I believe in Him and try my best I will have eternal life. But, on this earth I will have no hope if I have nothing here to hope for. Is that a good thing? Right now, I don't think so because hope is a way to bring people to Christ. They can find rest, hope in Him. So if I don't have any hope then how am I supposed to affect the kingdom? So, maybe seeing the future isn't that great of a desire; no matter how I struggle with my thoughts of a future love, children and grandchildren. It's a struggle that I want to have; if it's in God's Will for me to give others hope. Because that's what I can do: hope for the future. I can't see the future so I can hope and pray and believe that it will be better and be good; I can be positive in these times of uncertainty, war and hatred and pull my fellow neighbors out of their dark sides so they can see the Son, and live wealthy through Him.
How sick that makes me sometimes. Especially since I know that I'm no better. I don't believe in slavery in any form (whether it's sweat shops, gangs, etc.) nor do I like any kind of war. But what makes me no better is that I don't contribute in ways that I am able to where I am at. Like most others, I am for myself an aweful lot of the time. I am clouded to everything else. I say the next thing with a little hesitation because I don't want anyone to groan - but of late I've been watching a lot of Star Wars so what I'm about to say will reflect that: when I said clouded, it's like this dark side has obstructed my view; I can't see anything paste this dense cloud surrounding the Force of my life (it occured to me last night, too, that George Lucas needs to give some props to God; a lot of the story is reminiscent of the birth of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior and God's own Son sent to save us from ourselves). Here's what I mean: I want to be in love. I want to be married and have kids. I want to see if that is really and truly in my future. On the other hand, what if, no matter how hard I try, my marraige fails and my kids don't turn out well. I don't want that. I don't want to see that; if I did I would have no hope for the future. And isn't hope something we all need? Jesus gives me hope that no matter how much I screw up, if I believe in Him and try my best I will have eternal life. But, on this earth I will have no hope if I have nothing here to hope for. Is that a good thing? Right now, I don't think so because hope is a way to bring people to Christ. They can find rest, hope in Him. So if I don't have any hope then how am I supposed to affect the kingdom? So, maybe seeing the future isn't that great of a desire; no matter how I struggle with my thoughts of a future love, children and grandchildren. It's a struggle that I want to have; if it's in God's Will for me to give others hope. Because that's what I can do: hope for the future. I can't see the future so I can hope and pray and believe that it will be better and be good; I can be positive in these times of uncertainty, war and hatred and pull my fellow neighbors out of their dark sides so they can see the Son, and live wealthy through Him.
9.15.2004
After the waves
I am back from vacation; and it's a life-altering return. My vacation could have included many other things but it consisted of all the things that I "needed" as opposed to what I wanted. And that's okay with me. The ten minutes I spent walking along the beach was enough for me to realize certain things about myself, my place in my job, my relationships with my friends and my purpose in life. Yeah, kind of deep, huh? I'm not really a deep person; I'm an emotional person but not a very deep one. I think I just found my inner deepness - if that's even a word.
I also found my version of Willoway Brook. It's Bird Rock on 17 Mile Drive in Monterey, CA (if you're picky, it's probably technically Pacific Grove but whatever). I only walked it for 10 minutes but to take a few deep breaths of crisp ocean air (as deep as anyone with a bad cold could) was really revitalizing. The soft sand churning beneath my feet, which were carefully avoiding the jellyfish washed up along the shore (they sting even when they're dead or dying); my eyes finding small muscle shells devoid of their previous owner but beautiful when reflecting the light of the sun. I brought the first one (and the smallest) I found home with me. It sits on my dresser in my bedroom. Each time I walk by I'm reminded of the precious time I spent walking on that stretch of beach, climbing a few of the rocks to watch the waves crash against them, the salty water filling the many small tide pools in between and around, missing me completely. But it was dangerously close to high tide so back to the high beach I walked avoiding this time the seeweed displaced from it's ocean home. There were only two women who walked past me and huddled between two rocks further up and higher on the beach, reading thier books. But, besides them, it was only me - and my breathing and my heart beating. In the background, there was the sound of the small waves rolling continuously toward the beach and a seagull's squack in the distance but other than that it was just me, for once, at peace. I grew up close to the ocean. I never lived more than 2 1/2 hours away - but it wasn't until those very ten minutes that I remember feeling so connected to it. At first I thought that it was just because it was the first time in awhile that I was able to be alone and without stress. But there was just something about it that was different. And then I realized that I was an idiot. If you look in my bedroom today, you can see just how much I really love the ocean. I have pictures on my wall of it; my bed linens and bedspread is named "Blue Lagoon," there are parfait glasses filled with colored sand to match the bedspread, and I even have a small Yankee candle that smells like ocean water (with the same name). And if you could look into my head and see what I have planned to add to my room, you'll see visions of palm tree leaves lining the top of the three full walls of my bedroom as the border. I am in love with the ocean and I never knew it. No wonder I felt so at peace; I've missed it so much that I've been trying to replicate it in my own home! And, by extension, my office. Everything is blue, like the ocean. Coincidence? Maybe. But I think that my subconscious is working overtime to give me a sense of peace any way it can. I do feel more at peace, though things for the time being are not better (work, home, spiritual). But at least I see a light and see a path opening. And today's meeting helped that - though I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Still, at least I know and they know - that's all I asked for, really.
I also found my version of Willoway Brook. It's Bird Rock on 17 Mile Drive in Monterey, CA (if you're picky, it's probably technically Pacific Grove but whatever). I only walked it for 10 minutes but to take a few deep breaths of crisp ocean air (as deep as anyone with a bad cold could) was really revitalizing. The soft sand churning beneath my feet, which were carefully avoiding the jellyfish washed up along the shore (they sting even when they're dead or dying); my eyes finding small muscle shells devoid of their previous owner but beautiful when reflecting the light of the sun. I brought the first one (and the smallest) I found home with me. It sits on my dresser in my bedroom. Each time I walk by I'm reminded of the precious time I spent walking on that stretch of beach, climbing a few of the rocks to watch the waves crash against them, the salty water filling the many small tide pools in between and around, missing me completely. But it was dangerously close to high tide so back to the high beach I walked avoiding this time the seeweed displaced from it's ocean home. There were only two women who walked past me and huddled between two rocks further up and higher on the beach, reading thier books. But, besides them, it was only me - and my breathing and my heart beating. In the background, there was the sound of the small waves rolling continuously toward the beach and a seagull's squack in the distance but other than that it was just me, for once, at peace. I grew up close to the ocean. I never lived more than 2 1/2 hours away - but it wasn't until those very ten minutes that I remember feeling so connected to it. At first I thought that it was just because it was the first time in awhile that I was able to be alone and without stress. But there was just something about it that was different. And then I realized that I was an idiot. If you look in my bedroom today, you can see just how much I really love the ocean. I have pictures on my wall of it; my bed linens and bedspread is named "Blue Lagoon," there are parfait glasses filled with colored sand to match the bedspread, and I even have a small Yankee candle that smells like ocean water (with the same name). And if you could look into my head and see what I have planned to add to my room, you'll see visions of palm tree leaves lining the top of the three full walls of my bedroom as the border. I am in love with the ocean and I never knew it. No wonder I felt so at peace; I've missed it so much that I've been trying to replicate it in my own home! And, by extension, my office. Everything is blue, like the ocean. Coincidence? Maybe. But I think that my subconscious is working overtime to give me a sense of peace any way it can. I do feel more at peace, though things for the time being are not better (work, home, spiritual). But at least I see a light and see a path opening. And today's meeting helped that - though I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Still, at least I know and they know - that's all I asked for, really.
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