Post 103: Bowing Out?

Last Tuesday (meaning before I went on vacation), a friend of mine announced that she had entered the blogging world. It was very ironic for me because that very day I had decided to that I should probably leave the blogging world - for good. I have used this site as a way to eek out my frustrations, make comments about issues that the people I'm around at the time don't care anything about, and just general ravings. But I do get personal sometimes on this blog and that may not always be a good thing. I am a personal person; everything I do is personal, including the stories I write. A lot of times I don't finish them because they are so personal. I have so many unfinished stories that I could probably publish an entire book just on those. But none would have an ending and that would make people upset.

However, when I get personal on my blog - it backfires. And mainly because I was the wrong person in the situation. Even if I'm clearly not in the wrong, I always blame myself anyway. There is a lot of hurt there - on both ends - but it seems to always hurt me more. That's because I always keep it locked in. I think I have forgiven and forgotten but I really never do. I leave it hidden somewhere behind something and then when I screw up again, it peeks out to remind me that I've done this before and I should be ashamed that I didn't learn from my mistakes. And then it hides again but takes the new hurt with it so the next time I mess up, it feels even worse.

My blog has given me this headache a lot. I just can't not be personal with people. I have learned not to keep things inside and to ask the hard questions now - even if I know I won't like the answers.

For the first time in my life, I have real friends. Friends that do things for me and that I love to do things for. I was reminded of this by my dad of all people. I know he felt bad that he couldn't do anything for my big birthday but his statement was so stunning and convicting: "I'm just so happy that you have such good friends that they would do something like this for you." He doesn't know them and yet he seems to know them well. I don't have a lot of things in my life that I truly desire: a full-time job that satisfies me enough to get out of bed on time every morning, my own home, a man who loves me that I love back (that isn't related to me) and my own family (3 kids but one would do just fine). But I have something that everyone needs in every day of their lives: friends. So, I sent an e-card to most of them yesterday. I was surprised at some of the responses I received. A few people responded with a return e-mail that I didn't expect at all. It was nice. It made me feel that what I did really put some sort of smile on their face - and that thought warmed me.

You know, I'm reading a very good book right now that is hard for me to put down - dang you, Nicholas Sparks (I only hope to have someone feel the same about my books, if I ever get one published). I haven't been able to sleep much because I keep thinking about the characters - and I've been late to work. Anyway, the book has a lot to do with relationships. I can see myself in the guy character (Taylor), how he responds to falling in love. I can see myself with his reactions and how he pushes away this wonderful woman and mother. I can see how it's easy to push yourself away so you don't get hurt; when, in acuality, you're trying to actually hurt yourself because you don't think you're worth it. And then there are times that I can see myself in Denise. I understand her frustrations and her desire to keep her son from being hurt by a man that may not be able to commit to them both. Though I haven't finished the book yet (I'm on chapter 23), it doesn't matter what the ending is because I've learned so much already. I do, however, want to finish it and see what happens. Mr. Sparks is truly gifted with endings. Even if it's a little sad (A Walk to Remember), you still know that it was the best way to end it and did the story and its characters justice. At any rate, I've learned a little about myself from a work of fiction.

It's funny how God works sometimes in people. In me, I get it from what I write or read on paper. It's a way He's always used to communicate with me. And the beach. Bird Rock. 17 Mile Drive. Pacific Grove. California. But this is only my favorite place He speaks to me. He speaks to me a lot; I just sometimes choose not to listen - as we all do at some point.

So, after getting personal again, I'm kinda thinking that maybe this isn't my last blog. It could be. Maybe. I guess we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow. I've become one with my surroundings in one way: Like Indiana, if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes; it'll change. When I wake up tomorrow, I may be a different person than I am right now. I'm frustrating, exciting, mysterious and fun that way. Some guy is going to have a handful one day; but it'll be worth it because, as I'm finding, I'm worth it.