There's a very popular song on the radio right now - one that I actually like. It's not a fun song or a happy song or a club type song. No - it's a real song and a real sad song. But it's not so sad that it makes you cry. It does, however, make you sing along with the depressing lyrics and reflect upon your life - mainly the bad days. It also sneakily entertwines hope throughout the song. It's very, very subtle but it's there.
Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.
In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.
But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.
But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.
Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.
So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.
5.22.2006
5.18.2006
Post 114: Playing the waiting game...again
Sometimes, I think life is all about waiting. We wait for clients to get back with us; wait for our order to come in; wait for a phone call from a family member that we already know is going to bring bad news; wait to hear back from possible future employers; and generally wait for the good things to happen to us.
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
Or...could it really be that life is all about patience? Instead of thinking of it as waiting, we should be thinking of it as an exercise in patience. Well, the key word in that sentence is should. We don't really do this well, do we? I know that I sometimes don't. I'm trying my best to be patient and live while I'm waiting for the inevitable but every day it gets harder and harder. I have been changing to a point that I want to get things done as soon as I can. I've never really been that way before. I don't want to leave loose ends - in fact, I can't sleep at all if I go to bed without something done. If there is a project that isn't completed that should be, I physically can't sleep (which is frustrating because I now know that I may never tackle my life-long sleeping problems). And I haven't slept well for the past two nights. The culprit? Forgetting to pay two bills that are now late. They are paid as of today but the stress of incurring late charges on top of a looming plane ticket and 3 days of non pay at work because I don't get paid vacation time doesn't help, either. And I have to pay for my submissions to the Reader's Digest contest, which I'm fairly sure won't be money that I'll get back in any way - the only way I'd get back what I'm going to spend is if I'm in the top ten chosen. The prize money would be my refund. But I know I have to do it so I'm looking at it as an investment in my future - whatever that may turn out to be. :-)
Well, everyone here who thought they might have to build an ark if it kept raining everyday is sending all their supplies to New England - where they should have already built one! I'm kidding about this of course. No one bought supplies for an ark but just thinking about what they are going through up there is humbling. And that they are being positive and joking to boot - that says a lot about the people there. I haven't read one article that didn't have a positivity to it from the quotes that were taken from local people. They've accepted it and making the best of the situation. They are light-hearted and that's encouraging - and also uncharacteristic of most Americans nowadays.
Well, I better go to lunch. I have a new project at work that I have to do over the next two days. It's not very fun but it will help the sales reps during a very, very busy time. I think this project is solidifying the fact that I don't like to be rejected - and I don't like cold calling. It's not something I'm comfortable with but I want to do a good job because I want to help our hard working sales reps. They are all such nice people and very good at what they do. It's hard to find sales people like that anywhere anymore - let alone all in the same room. :-)
5.16.2006
Post 113: He's just not that into you...
So, I'm not sure if I need to read this book or not. I guess I just want to know why I am attracted to men who aren't available - for a plethora of reasons? I'm reading this book right now called Passion and Purity. It was given to me from a friend to read, maybe it will provide me with some insights. I think that what I'm learning so far is that women and men are much the same now than they ever were when it comes to dating: both sexes are insecure about the other.
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
5.15.2006
Post 112: Five stories
That's how many I'm sending in to the Reader's Digest contest. I probably won't win anything but I want to at least try. I found another contest, too, and am going to enter that. I have less than two weeks, though. The good thing is that four of my stories qualify for four of the categories. The fifth story? That's the bad thing: it isn't written yet and it isn't going to qualify for one of the story categories. It's going to qualify for the screenplay category. Since I've only written one play before and never have written a screenplay, it will be a little challenging but I know that I can do it. I just have to do it very, very soon. I have to test myself - if I'm ever going to give myself a chance at pursuing my life-long dream of being an author.
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
I've gotten back to some good writing habits - I even journaled during a party I was at last Saturday night. It was nice to do it and easier than I remembered. Nobody really cared that I was doing it so there weren't a lot of questions; my train of thought wasn't interrupted and that was such a good thing. And I didn't really feel like I was neglected because nobody noticed or asked about what I was doing - which is something I would've felt before now. Maybe I'm just grown up enough to be real in my endeavor; maybe I've lived enough to get started with my life, my writing life.
On a sad note, one of my grandfather's is fighting for his life right now. I may be flying to CA in the next couple days to attend his funeral. Though death never comes at a good ime, his funeral may be on the same day of a close friends wedding. I'm so excited for the wedding; but so sad that my family will be going through such a hard time right now. I feel a bit selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. Let's be realistic: I am being really selfish at wanting him to hang on until after the wedding. I just wanted to be there for my friend at a time that has been so many years in the making. It's such a brilliant day for her and I want to be there to help her celebrate. But my family comes first; even my stepfamily, which my grandfather is my stepmom's dad. Her family accepted me so easily and right away. I was the first granddaughter. I felt very loved from the beginning. Though I'm not Bettencourt blood, they've always treated me as such. I have been truly, truly grateful for their acceptance and love towards me. I want to be there for them but it's hard to not to want to be there for my friend, too. I'll just see what God's plan is; His is the only one I should be following anyway.
So this week may be an interesting one. I don't know where I'm going to be on what day. And I'm starting to think that maybe that's how we should attack our lives each morning - with a sense that we don't know what's going to happen so we should do our best and live our best each day. Who knows where we'll be tomorrow? Or who we'll meet? I might get on a plane tomorrow and meet the person who's going to be pivotal in jump starting my writing career; or I'll sit next to the man that I'm supposed to marry one day; or I'll see an old friend that I've lost touch with. So why do I stress for what's going to happen today when I have no real control over it and should just be the best person I can be? Well, no more. I'm going to start each day excited that I don't know what's going to happen. I have more confidence in myself and that I'm going to be able to say or do the right things. I won't be perfect but I'll be bolder.
I just wish it would finally stop raining here. I'm about ready to start building my own ark - and I'm not a boat person. :-)
5.08.2006
Post 111: Blood on the Dance Floor
Well, it's my first day not working at the studio - again. Because of my extreme exhaustion, I'm so ecstatic about it. Well, as much as I can be while trying not to fall asleep at my desk. :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
Yesterday was so exhausting! We have had shows before that weren't quite that exhausting. I don't know if it was because of the weekend or just the show itself, but I haven't been this tired in awhile. If (and that's a big if) I ever own my own school, I will have the day after a major show a holiday. It would be worth it to keep my instructors fresh, excited and relaxed. I keep thinking how they have to work today and how I so don't envy them.
So, by now you're wondering why I named this post "Blood on the Dance Floor" and I haven't said much about anything being bloody or anything. Well, that's the title of my next story. I have a great idea for a story on my experiences in the ballroom dancing world. It's not going to be a typical ballroom dancing story that you've seen in the movies lately. Ballroom dancing is really popular right now - as it should be always. I know, I know - I may be a little biased. But, seriously, what other form of dance or extra curricular activity makes you feel like you're perfect just the way you are - even if you're bad at it? Only those who focus on being perfect can find it like work. I do believe that each student should strive to be the best they can be but if you're not having fun, then it's not worth it. Even if you arent' the best dancer out there, if you're having a great time people will see that energy and life and be affected in the most positive way. The rest just kind of falls to the way side. No one really cares at that point. As an instructor, it was my job to help people feel better about themselves as they learned a new skill or hobby. But I never had to work really - the dancing does it all by itself. And if you do it to have fun or to try something new, you'll get a lot out of it. If you're too serious and it becomes work, you've done something wrong. Even if you WANT to be the best dancer on the floor and are willing to work hard to get there, you should still be having fun with it. If you aren't, then you'll never be the best or achieve your goal. It'll mean nothing if you do. It's just a check mark. But if you allow yourself to enjoy it, whether or not you reach your goal, you'll be a much happier and content person. I'm not just saying all this because I'm biased or anything like that. I'm sharing my experience and my knowledge. I've been in the ballroom business off and on for the past 12 years. I've worked for a highly reputable company and been trained by the best. Through it all, one thing has remained constant: people take ballroom dancing not to learn how to dance but to have fun and get away from the monotony of our lives nowadays. And that's what is so priceless about it. And if you choose to learn from the best, it will be a bit pricier. But what you get from it, there is no value because it's THAT valuable. It's not like a car that you buy; cars will eventually break down. Even luxury cars don't last forever. Dancing gives you piece of mind, enjoyment, a feeling of accomplishment (let's face it, as adults it's hard to learn a new skill - but ballroom dancing is an activity that ANYONE can do) and you meet wonderful people. You become part of a very large and caring family. And for those of us who sometimes can't stand our biological families, our dancing family is a much welcome respite. Plus, when you get together, you dance! How cool is that?!
Okay, so I'll get off my little soap box now. :-)
Anyway, I have this idea for a story. There are a lot of very interesting characters in the ballroom dancing world. No, not everybody is perfect (like you might think from my previous paragraph) but they all have the same goal: to teach people how to dance and enjoy thier life. So I plan on using my experience to tell you about the real ballroom world; not the competitive one or the showy one that you see on TV - because the real one, it's so much better. Yes, there will be (and is) drama in the story but I want to show people that there is more to being an instructor or owing a business than just teaching. There are few people that are truly gifted to teach people how to ballroom dance - and some of the best teachers aren't the most showy or highly competitive dancers.
I hope to do my former business justice, while entertain everyone at the same time. Here's to hoping that my colleagues will like and accept what I put forth - if it ever gets published, that is. :-)
But I promise you that there will be "blood" on the dance floor - I have to hook you somehow into the story. And what's any good fiction story without a little murder? :-)
5.03.2006
Post 110: WOO! HOO!
WOO HOO! YIPPEE! YEE HAW!
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
I'm so ecstatic that I'm trying to hold back the tears and all the emotions! I was so down on myself for the story I turned in Monday; my last one. I was resolved to be okay with the criticism I knew that I was definitely going to get. It was so not my best work and
Instead, I was so uplifted by my instructor. A few tweaks (and paying attention to my tense which has always hampered me) and she wants me to send it out! Woo Hoo! How can I continue to be so down on myself when she's given me so many good things and so much encouragement? I need to stop that.
So, right now, I'm totally Queen of the World!
I need to be more confident in my gifts, skills and talents. Today, I know that I am a good writer - and that means a lot to me. :-)
5.02.2006
Post 109: Beauty isn't something to be grasped
This is something that I'm still learning. I'm getting closer and closer to accepting myself as is. I've always had problems with beauty. I've struggled so much with trying to "feel" and "be" beautiful that I've missed out on a lot of things - because I already am beautiful.
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
You can get your chest enhanced, suck fat out of your body, get a face lift or tighten your skin unnaturally through botox. It doesn't make you more beautiful. If that's all you needed to be "beautiful" then we'd all have less problems. But because we fail to fix our inner beauty, all we show is our superficial looks. I have been so wrapped up in this my whole life. Though I think it's important to take care of yourself, it's more important to make sure you care for yourself. If you like you, then all the other stuff fits into place. You will look more confident and even prettier if you like who you are.
Last night, I completed a project that it turns out is very important for me. I made a "beauty poster." On this poster, I put a cut out of a very beautiful and provocative woman and added the title, "She may be an electric beauty, but..." Then, I took words cut out of magazines and made several "I am statements" in contrast with my title. A sampling of these are: 1) I am sexy and soft like my favorite flowers, tulips; I have great skin; I don't need to creat height, I am perfect at 5'1"; I have allure and class; I have the best body of my life right now; I am loose but strong; I am an American Beauty; There's a hot chick in the mirror, look - it's me! I am going to hang it on my wall and everytime I think I'm the worst person ever, am having a bad hair day or just feel ugly, I'm going to read those words and remind myself that no matter how I look or feel that day that I'm perfect right in that moment. God wouldn't have me any other way.
I encourage you, man or woman, to do something similar if you struggle with self-esteem. It's a reminder that you are perfect the way you are. It doesn't mean that we may not have issues to work through. What it does mean is that you are important enough to be worth the work. And, let me assure you, YOU ARE! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. They aren't your friend or anybody that you should listen to.
Today I had lunch with a new friend that was surprised at my lack of self-esteem. I told her truthfully that I see a glow in my other friends that I just don't see in myself. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why I feel this way but there shouldn't be. I, just like them, are created perfect in the eyes of God. We are prefectly flawed - and it's those flaws that make us perfect the way we are. I'm determined to believe that one day - even if today that seems impossible.
But after our lunch, I felt better about myself and how I see others. It lightened my heart that the same beauty I see in my friends, they also see in me. And then I remembered my poster; it says so much about who I am. And, to those reading this, the statements on my poster are not just talking about physical beauty but inner beauty, as well. Outward beauty is a reflection of what we are feeling inside. And now that I'm feeling more centered (though I realize that I'm not there yet and I have a lot of work yet to do), it's showing on the outside. I can vaguely see it. I know that I still may have set backs but there is one thing that she was totally and completely right about - I have a knack for surviving and getting through things. I've learned to lean on people when I can't do it myself and to follow through with what I know I have to do.
Following through is very new to me but I'm doing it - no matter how hard it is and if I can't see where it will lead me. It's a struggle but I can now see that it is a struggle that is necessary and will have positive consequences.
So don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't beautiful the way you are (man or woman). Because you are GORGEOUS! :-)
5.01.2006
Post 108: Jesus, take the wheel
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.
I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.
I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.
And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.
I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.
And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.
I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"
Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
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