Post 115: Bad days

There's a very popular song on the radio right now - one that I actually like. It's not a fun song or a happy song or a club type song. No - it's a real song and a real sad song. But it's not so sad that it makes you cry. It does, however, make you sing along with the depressing lyrics and reflect upon your life - mainly the bad days. It also sneakily entertwines hope throughout the song. It's very, very subtle but it's there.

Well, I've had a series of bad days but I have been ironically calm. I feel hope, strength, love, grace, mercy, faith and a little bit of resignation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, I have to give over these bad days hoping that good days will come after. And I really need lots of good days.

In fact, I'm letting go of a few things. As you all well know, I've had an issue with my personal life. I have to constantly figure out why I don't date or don't seem to be attracted to the right person. Well, I have to not worry about that. I have one goal and it's too big to add to it. That goal is to find a full-time job with benefits so I can pay down my debt - no, so I can pay OFF my debt. Though it would be nice to be with someone finally who is attracted to me and I'm attracted back, that has to not be a concern for me. If it happens, it happens. But if it doesn't, I shouldn't worry about it. God's timing is His timing; mine isn't important.

But sometimes the bad days can make you reflect upon your life in a better way - you see things you hadn't seen before. You understand things better. I feel like I understand things better today than I have in a while. For example: I have liked a particular male friend of mine for awhile. I don't really know why since I don't really know a lot about him but yet there's an attraction there - on my end, anyway. His end - well, that's a bit confusing. He has been more vocal and physical in my presence lately. I don't mean in a sexual way or anything like that. He's just been more open, less reserved. I don't think that it's because he has an attraction to me all of a sudden. I think it's because he's finally comfortable with me as a friend. And that's good because I'm comfortable with him as a friend, too. And now, I'm getting to see that maybe that's why I've been so focused on that relationship - that I was confused on why he and I weren't better friends.

But then when I thought this morning about the whole thing, I realized something really, really important. Why should I even want to be with a man who more than likely doesn't want anything to do with marriage, kids or anything like that? I think it would be a waste if he spends his whole life alone but it would be worse if I ended up with someone like that. I don't want that - and I can't see him wanting a relationship with a woman that serious. If I've known him for awhile and can't see him in a relationship, then I need not to think of him in any other way than a friend. I'm not old but I'm old enough to not want to spend my time with someone who isn't at least interested in a dating relationship. He's older than even I am so why waste his or my time? I'm seriously praying that God will help me to let go of any desire to really spend much time with this guy because I don't want to get myself in a position to have to cover hurt feelings when there was never any use to having them in the first place.

Of course, if he and I end up somehow mutually attracted then I'll have to rearrange my thinking. But right now I only want to spend my dating life with guys who have the same or similar goals in life as me. I may go through several before I find the right one, but why spend time with the wrong type of guys? I don't know if this guy is the wrong type yet, but it's starting to look like it.

So, as I get on a plane tomorrow to fly to my grandfather's funeral, I'll have plenty to think and journal about to keep my mind off the coming grief - not so much my own as my family's and helping them to cope.