Post 108: Jesus, take the wheel

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

Today was a test. A big test. I woke up to another problem added to my life. Though I don't know if it's completely solved, it seems to have at least taken on a positive.

I so had to search and search to find my center this weekend. I even followed through on re-arranging my space to be more conducive to relaxing, meditating, studying and worshiping. I felt like I'd accomplished something. Then I started another project yesterday that is almost finished. But I awoke to having to deal with yet another problem. I felt like the rug was totally pulled out from under me yet again. Every time I make a decision and truly follow through, it's usually met by an obstacle so my small victory is very short-lived. And that's what happened again today. Luckily, a solution may have been found and it shouldn't cost me a dime - a very, very welcome observation.

I'm still searching to find my center but I'm getting closer. And with each positive step I take, I know there may be another negative one behind it; but the positives will outweigh the negatives one day. I have to have faith that it will.

And I have to keep my patience. I'm really losing it. I can't stand being unstable - and I am unstable when it comes to life. It's not that I'm mentally unstable but professionally, personally - well, unstable is the only word for it. I can't even tell a guy that I like him - instead choosing to be jealous of every woman that talks to him when I'm around. How is that stable? I don't have a career - and I'm starting to be envious of all my friends, who all have some sort of career and stability in finances. I'm really quite tired of it all. To ad insult to injury, I'm the only one in my family with a four-year degree and they all make a lot more than me - a lot more. I'm starting to feel like a complete failure; I'm trying very hard not to feel this way but it's kinda hard when you're bombarded everyday with comments from family and friends about your life. "I just can't understand why you don't have a better job. Have you looked?" YES!!!! FOR MORE THAN A YEAR! "I just don't understand why you haven't dated yet. Don't you like anybody?" YES!!!! BUT THEY DON'T RETURN IT - OR ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK A GIRL OUT, WHAT WITH FEMINISM AND ALL. And a host of other questions follow. All to which, I have no real answer.

I guess that today's events have left me a little bitter and uncertain. I finally had felt a tinge of positiveness even with the uncertainty of jobs, finances, career, men but it all came crashing down in an instant. Am I allowed to ever follow through on anything before the next thing comes crashing down? It would seem that my answer is yes. But I have to find a way to change that - I'm growing very impatient and concerned that I might just have to go insane in order to make things better. And going insane is not something I want to happen or look forward to.

And then, in the back of my mind, I find myself remembering that even with all my present shortcomings, there is always someone worse off than me. So now I feel even worse for feeling bad because I'm pretty rich and lucky to a lot of other people in the world.

I think that part of my problem is that I desire certain things to go well in my life finally so that I can be available to help people. Right now, I'm so stressed with having to deal with myself that I have no time to help anyone else - and I desperately want to be a person that when asked at the pearly gates if I loved well, can answer confidently, "YES!!!!"

Right now, I lack loving anybody else - and that's the worst feeling to have. So...

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel