So, I'm not sure if I need to read this book or not. I guess I just want to know why I am attracted to men who aren't available - for a plethora of reasons? I'm reading this book right now called Passion and Purity. It was given to me from a friend to read, maybe it will provide me with some insights. I think that what I'm learning so far is that women and men are much the same now than they ever were when it comes to dating: both sexes are insecure about the other.
I can definitely see this in me. I'm a girl...and traditionally girls don't ask boys out. I'm a traditional girl...I have no desire to ask a guy out; he needs to pursue me. So what do you do when a guy that you have no interest in - even if you actually try to find their good sides - pursues you? How does it build your confidence that a guy you're not interested in likes you but the guy that you have interest in - no matter how hard you try not to - doesn't? The simple fact is that this has been my life to now and it hasn't given me any confidence that, though God continually answers my prayers that I will have a family one day, I will succeed in this. Add to that the fact that guys are now shy, well, you have a conundrum for women like me. Women like all of my single women friends who are attractive, have wonderful hearts, are athletic and outdoorsy, and are so much fun to be around find themselves still single into their 30's. If we don't change who we are and what we believe in, we will stay single - because the guys that are meant for us are too shy and insecure nowadays.
But I'm also convinced that there has to be a balance somewhere. I just haven't found it yet. What I have been able to figure out is that flirting is needed - not heavy flirting or sexual flirting but somewhere in between - on both ends, especially mine. I'm really bad at this - really, really bad. In fact, a little known thing about me is that I tend to do the same thing with guys I like and guys I don't like - I avoid them like a plague or sit on the other side of the room and try not to make eye contact. I avoid guys I don't like becuase I want to be sure they know I have no interest. But I avoid guys I do like because I'm so affected by them that I can't be around them too much - I get nervous and get clutzier than usual. There are a couple of my guy friends that I could be better friends with but I'm so nervous they'll find out that I'm attracted to them that I try to not make eye contact or hang out with them too much. Plus they both have the one thing that drives me crazy - great eyes. So, instead of having a chance at dating them or just being closer to them as friends, I have more of an aquaintance with them - leaving me distant.
The other thing is that I'm a slow bloomer. Yes, I want a husband and kids sooner than later but...that's a big but...a guy holding my hand for the first time is a big deal to me. I've yet to be comfortable with any guy I'm going out with to even hold my hand - so you can guess how important him kissing me is. I'm very cautious and I know that's becuase of how things have gone with my family. Divorce is not in my future check list. So, though I might be considered a little behind in the love department, it's for a good reason and I have less and less doubt that I won't fall in love with the wrong guy - or put any pressure on the next guy that I date to be my soulmate. That's just unrealistic. It's not that I don't think it happens, it does. And though it would be great to have this happen to me - to find out that God totally saved me for my soulmate in every way (and that does include kissing, I'll admit it) - it's not something that I'm planning on.
I know I'm being really open and personal about this subject but I know that there are women and men out there like I've written about on this blog - men and women like me. I want them to know that they are not alone and that I'm still learning about this men v women v love thing. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and this stuff will happen at the right time but that doesn't mean we don't still question, pray and grow. We have to learn about ourselves and others so we know what direction God is telling us to grow. He's told me through praying about situations that I need to be a little more proactive when it comes to the opposite sex. If he doesn't know that I like him or am at least intersted in getting to know him as a friend, then how is anything going to happen? Maybe not in words, but God has revealed to me, "It's not like men can read your mind. There's a reason why I made you different. You need to communicate with each other; you're partners, not clones." So, I have to be more forward.
So...I have picked one of my guy friends to pursue a closer friendship with; not a date. A little project, if you will...just to get to know him better because from what know of him, we have some of the same issues. Maybe we could help each other. If a date happens, great. If not, that will be fine, too. I'm thinking of it as, if nothing else, I'll make a better friend and learn a bit more about the opposite sex and myself at the same time. Plus, I'm fairly sure he doesn't read my blog so he may never know that I was at once attracted to him so there won't be any weirdness between us. And that's really important to me because the previous guy friends that I ended up dating, ended up no longer friends. It was sad and hurt a lot becuase they were good friends. I just realized that I didn't have romantic feelings for them and didn't want to lead them on. So, though it was my decision to not date, it was their decision to not be friends anymore.
I think I'll need a little bit of luck for the future. Wish me luck!
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