I finally did it! I had enough confidence in myself to send one of my stories out. I actually, really and truly, submitted a story to the Writer's Digest contest. Though I'm having serious doubts that not more than one of the judges will even like it enough to read it through, I still took a huge step. I'm very proud of myself but know that it is only a start. Of course, I won't know how good of a start until October (when they contact the winners) but its' a start. Now that I've taken the first step, it doesn't feel so bad. So...I need to find other contests or magazines and just start submitting to them. I fully realize that it may take me 100 tries before I sell one, win a contest with one, or even just get into a publication for free but - now that I've taken that first step - it will get easier to allow someone to read my writing and critique it. How am I going to get better or achieve my life-long dream if I don't get out there? I won't. So, needless to say, I'm excited that I finally took the first step.
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
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