Post 117: High School Crush

Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school. In fact, I thought about a high school crush of mine the other day. He was a soccer player. Our boys won the title that year and I put them on the front page of the newspaper. Actually, there were two on the team that I kind of had crushes on but we just didn't hang in the same circles - if you know what I mean. Anyway, he came to mind because I was reading the current issue of Sports Illustrated which has four of our US Soccer players on the cover. Plus, I was thinking about my whole little "boy" issue that I've been writing a lot about lately. I've also had a couple conversations with some of my women friends about men we know right now and are interested in so I've just started to feel like I'm back in high school.

But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.

I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.

I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.

I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.

But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.

It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)