Post 123: Couldn't put it down...

...the book, I mean. It was great. I read the whole thing yesterday. All I did last night when I got home from work was to change clothes and lie on my bed, reading that book. I finished it at midnight. It was so great! But what's more is that it made me think about who I am and what I want as opposed to what God wants and who God wants me to be. The main character goes through the same emotions as me and really, she is me. Except, of course, I don't have the career, men falling at my feet and an indespensible bank account - but in every other way, she's me or I'm her. She doesn't have it figured out yet either but she knows that she's been cheating herself when it comes to God. I have so been cheating myself. I feel like a total hypocrite - completely and utterly a hypocrite. I have to be so honest here. I don't read my Bible everyday like I should. Yes, I pray non-stop and I know that's a good thing and it's important. But I seem to rely on the same verses and the same things. I'm not progressing; I'm not growing like I should. God is the center of my life - or is he? Am I fooling myself there, too? I mean, yes, I am A Christian and I have morals and values that I stick to regardless of what the people around me say or do - believe me, I've earned the white dress I will be wearing on my wedding day (and it will be bright white, not cream or ivory, but good 'ol plain white - well, it might have some sequins or embroidery but it will be all white). I am comfortable enough to say on this blog that I've never even kissed a guy yet. Yes, it's true. I know that some people may think that I should keep those kinds of details to myself but I'm proud of it. I think more people should be proud of things like this - they're more important and more worthy to be proud of than anything else. I don't think the first guy I kiss is going to be the only guy I kiss (my soulmate - it would be great but not realistic) but he is going to be a good guy and one that I trust at least. I haven't trusted most guys I've dated. The first man I trust will be the first man I kiss. So - yes, I will have earned that white dress.

But the above is not the only way I should be pursuing God's will. He gave me a gift to write. Actually, what I'm doing right now is a gift. I can be open and honest and real with people on the world wide web. Though I may not know the person reading this, I'm okay for them to read it - bad stuff and all. I know guys are scared of me becuase of this. I may be too open for them. But there are lots of things that only my closest friends know; and there will be things that only my soulmate will ever know (not my friends, not my parents, not my family). He will know me inside and out because he will be the one God brings to me (and vise versa - God brings me to him). So though I'm open and it's a gift, it's not all of me but it gives a good sense of me. A good enough sense that I know that I help people with what I say and what I write sometimes - it's just hard for me to acept that God uses me when I'm really such a wretched person.

I know that I have squandered my gift of writing a bit. It's my fault. I let other people determine my worth and what's worse, I didn't believe in myself even when God was clearly communicating to me how much I really am worth it to Him for Him to have died for me. But the writing business is hard and I've just started to pursue it. I am definitely going to learn perseverence by the time I succeed in it. I know I will succeed. I don't know in what way but I know I will succeed. I have belief in myself and I've done things to remind myself that I'm okay as a person just as I am. Not that I shouldn't grow and improve - I need to as we all do - but I have start from a good place. Now that I'm starting from a good place, I can move on. That was step one...step two is finding discipline when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell....which is what this whole "looking for a full-time job with benefits" thing is right now. I see no end in sight and the bank account is not looking good. Oh well. If it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger. I'm looking forward to the strength. I need it. :-)

But I need to remember that the only strength worth having comes from only one source: God. His strength is all I need. Note to self: Don't be stupid - let Him do it. He knows what to do better than I do. :-)