Post 120: Sensosketch

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly playing the game Cranium but all the cards I get are sensosketches. If you are not familiar with the game, a sensosketch card is one that tells you that it is required by one of your teammates to draw the item with their eyes closed and your teammates have to guess what it is - in 60 seconds. You know what you're supposed to draw but you don't know what you're actually drawing because you can't see what you're doing.

Sensosketch is like a metaphor for my life: I know what I want/desire but I just can't seem to get there. In a sense, I'm totally blind to either what I'm doing, how to do it or what to do next.
Take, for example, my dating life. We all know that there is a gentleman that I like. I've prayed about it (to make me not desire him in anyway but if it's in God's will for us to date, to make it very clear to me - I need a lot of visuals). I have expected the former to happen - that God would help me to not like him - but lately there have been answers to the contrary. In fact, I became confident that something would happen; and then there was a situation where I thought it did. However, as soon as I adjust to the possibility that something might actually be going right in my life, some unknown force dives down and takes the wind right out of me - leaving me either back where I started with him or further away. Well, this is indeed what happened.

So besides the suckiness of still not finding a job that would help me financially and satisfy me enough to work hard, I'm still stuck in the suckiness of still not having a dating life.

But I know something exciting will happen to me soon. I just have to be patient. That's harder said than done. But I have a lot of practice in having to be patient in all these things - I mean, I'm 30 with still no career and still no prospect for a dating life (let alone family). And no matter how many times a particular guy friend of mine tries to encourage me that I can adopt or be artificially inseminated when the subject matter comes up on conversation, it's not the ideal. He just doesn't get it. He is not a woman who is desperately trying serve God's will but is unsure because what He keeps telling He wants for her is continually out of her grasp. My friend may have given up or have chosen to not get married or have a family but I can't. I won't Besides, I'm only 30; he's almost 40. It's not that it can't happen for him now but it's very unlikely that it will with his attitude. He is the guy; and God says to us women that He will send us a guy to pursue us. My friend has to pursue who he is attracted to; if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. He moves on (and believe me, he would have no problem getting women if he wanted; he is attractive, athletic and has a good heart. In fact, if I ever thought he'd be interested in me, I would change my thoughts about us just being friends - but that is highly unlikely). Then again I've never had this conversation with him so I don't know if there's a valid reason why he isn't married or doesn't want to be attached to a woman in some way. So, really, I have no reason to judge him. But I have valid reasons: I'm not being pursued by anyone that I'm also attracted to. I even try to force myself to be attracted to some that have but it doesn't work. I'm just not interested. I may be getting frustrated and impatient but I haven't lost all hope yet. Either he has or maybe has never had that desire. :-)

You know what? Sometimes it takes me writing on this blog to feel better about myself or right a wrong day. Because now that I think about it, my friend's life inspires me to handle my own better. Maybe for him being single is great but it isn't for me. I am going to be a great wife and mother. I can compromise well when I know I'm wrong and have not let other people take advantage of me as much as I've let them in the past. Though this has always been my weak point and what I was scared of in myself, it's getting better. I feel like I can stand on my own now when I should. Before, I was scared that my non-confrontational personality would land me in the wrong relationships. But now, I feel that I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to and back down when I know I'm wrong. Of course, I have to be a girlfriend before I can be a wife but at least I'm confident now that I can be one. Besides, with my my cooking ability and my love of sports, I'm going to be the perfect girlfriend and then one day the perfect wife and mom. Now if I could just find the perfect boyfriend...:-) Right now though, I'd settle for a date. :-)