Post 154: Not much to say

I know that may seem so out of character for me but it's true right now. I don't want to be asked, give or be given any more advice; I don't want to talk anymore about my job situation; I don't want to talk anymore about why I'm not married, not dating anyone, never had a boyfriend or even been kissed; I don't want to talk about anything right now. I just want to BE. That's it. I want to relax, be at peace, enjoy the people around me, enjoy my current job, enjoy my surroundings, watch a movie or two, watch football with a few friends and just enjoy life. I want to help people, too.

I'm so tired of everything that I don't want to do anything. Well, I do have this overwhelming desire to finish cleaning our house and my parents car. They so deserve to come home from vacation with a sparkling house and a clean car - especially after the fiasco at the airport. How does a woman with a baby get on the plane with baby formula but my dad who has to take the same type of formula through his feeding tube because of cancer almost get arrested? It doesn't make any sense. It's much easier for a terrorist to be disguised as a mother with a baby than a man who has cancer. He has a tube coming out of his stomach for crying out loud! Give me a freakin' break! He can't eat through his mouth! She can still breastfeed her baby! I am not against allowing mom's to take formula on the plane but when you have a cancer patient who can't eat through his mouth because he has no saliva glands and limited use of his esophagus, they should be allowed the same leniency. I better stop now because this whole thing is making me upset again.

Anyway, I think that I need to have a "quiet" weekend, too. Most of my friends are gone and the one that I thought I'd be able to hang out with has decided to spend it by herself. I have two guys and one other women-friend that are in town but it's unlikely the four of us will hang out much. The guys aren't that into hanging out with me by themself and my other friend doesn't really like to watch football. So this is going to end up being a Miss-Tiffany-is-on-her-own weekend. And maybe that's exactly what I need right now. I mean, I don't want to discuss anything remotely about my life and every time I try not to when I'm with friends, it always ends up about me. I'm wondering if I do that or if people just find that my life is more exciting and unpredictable compared to theirs. I don't know. I'd rather talk about other peoples lives right now than mine but I'm left with three friends who are pretty reserved. I've been friends with the one guy (even had a crush on him for awhile) for over three years and I still don't know why he's almost 40 and not married, etc.

Maybe I'll just go to Edinburgh and do a little shopping. :-) I did get paid today and they allow little dogs in the stores. Buster may not like it so much but he can deal. Everybody loves him there so he'll be okay. I need pants and shoes for fall. And they are a definite need: I have no slacks or closed-toed shoes for interviews or winter, etc. Plus, they are having major sales at all the stores that I like to frequent when there so it's the perfect opportunity.

I thought about asking my friend to go with me but I decided that it would be too tempting for her on her "quiet" weekend. I'd really love her company but I don't want to interrupt a time that she may desperately need. I just hope that she doesn't get mad at me for not telling her that I'm going Saturday. But if I sent her an e-mail about it and she really does need this time, then I'd feel worse for tempting her away from it.

I have to make sure I'm being unselfish in everything that I'm doing right now. I have so many uncertainties in my life that are important they become certainties soon but I can't be so self-involved that I don't see what everyone else around me is going through. On the other hand, I have to be careful that I don't cut myself off from everyone. I feel that I've done that with a few friends (one that has been my closest since I've moved here). I know that these friends have good jobs but stressful onew and deals with other issue on a daily basis - but because my situation has been so stressful, I haven't been able to be there for them and they have found solace in other friends who may be able to help them more than I can right now. However, I don't have to completely cut myself off from them and should interact with them as I used to. I shouldn't be the one to change the relationship just because I feel I'm not as important to them anymore. It may not be that; it could be something else entirely. It's just hard when close friendships change from you calling each other all the time to barely talking once a week - and knowing that a new friend is more in tune with your friend than you are anymore is hard, too. It's the natural state of friendships and relationships - they change every once in the while. And though it may seem to you to be in a bad way, it may be for the good. I've learned to not be so clingly with my friends.

It is a struggle for me since I'm such a social being. I'm so wired to be close to any friend I have that it's hard to sever or weaken any kind of ties. But my current relationships and position in life have forced me to take a different attitude and see from a different perspective. I started thinking, "If I was married and had kids, just how often would I see my friends?" I surmised that it wouldn't be close to as much as I do now. If that is something that God has for me one day (marraige, a family), then I have to learn to not be so clingly to my friends sooner or later. My most important relationship will be with my husband. I'll still have to have close friendships but to make a marraige work for eternity, the number one person in my life needs to be my husband; and in his life, I need to be his number one person. Maybe I'm learning just a glimmer of what is to come in my relationships. Or maybe I'm just bored and want something fun to do this weekend; somethng that has nothing to do with sending out resumes, looking for jobs or even pursuing a writing career. But, then agian, it comes on a weekend when everyone is away.

Maybe this really is Miss-Tiffany-is-on-her-own weekend. :-) I do have a party planned for Monday but I have no clue who is going to show up since basically no one responded. Though I hope some will, I'm going to be a bigger person and not be frantic and call everyone who didn't respond. I'm going to let God bring those who are supposed to come; and if that means nobody comes then I'll deal with it and not let it depress me.

Good luck with that! :-)