Seriously, I feel much better today. I'm not super excited that I'm short 6 hours this week but it just makes me more determined to find a better paying job.
I had a very good Bible study last night. A lot of things were put into perspective in my personal time before our study but it helped to talk things through; not about specifics of what has happened but about what I am learning. I am out of denial that I do certain things that I thought I'd stopped doing. I haven't actually; it's just not as much as before and that is what threw me off. I see that I tend to mold myself to the peole I'm with; I actually still do that. I thought that I was being myself but looking back on my behavior, I hate what I see. I really and truly hate it and I feel ashamed for acting that way. I can't change it or fix it - but I can make sure I don't do it in the future. I can work on making my behavior better and something that Christ would be lifted up by.
As a Christian, I am an example of Christ. But I believe that I'm a really bad one at the moment. I know I'm not completely horrible but I have a lot to work on. I want to be a better example of Christ than I have been - and that is going to mean making some very difficult decisions and getting rid of some things that have become an integral part of my life. I need to remove the temptations and practice better self-control. I lack self-control so much; I can really see that now.
I have a friend who is going on the Walk to Emmaus in two weeks. As I've reflected more on my experiences there, I see that I have allowed myself to forget some of the things that it taught me and have lost a bit of myself. I hate that this has happened. I hate that I can see that it ACTUALLY has happened. Though I know we all fall and take backwards steps sometimes, it's hard when you fully realize that you have. And I have - there's no doubt about that.
Am I a better person than before my walk? Yes - I am. But I was a much better person two years ago than I am now. I've lost a little. However, I don't regret anything that has happened. That's the kicker. I can actually see the joy in the trials. This current trial included. I don't like who I am right now but that only encourages me to change it.
This weekend will have a lot to do with me taking the first step. In fact, I start in about 8 minutes - when I'm off work for the rest of the week. Pray for me. :-)
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