Ok - so we finally have resolution in the coaching search. Kudos to Greenspan. He's gone out and gotten the best coach available. He didn't succumb to IU loyalist desires; instead he used his head and found a great all-around coach - who has recruiting skills, I might add.
No matter what people say about how we're "disappointed" that an IU guy isn't at the Basketball throne, I think it's a great decision. BTW, those "disappointing" viewpoints are from people who aren't looking at the bigger picture. Let's face the facts: The Bob Knight Era was over about six years before he was fired. Get with it, people. I'm talking to you IU fans who can't see past the end of your stuck up noses. This is a new time and a new era in basketball; we need someone to not only bring the prestige back to Indiana as THE place to play basketball but to also be RESPECTED as a school/community again. Sampson has the goods to do both.
Time will only tell if it happens; but I for one am an IU fan that is greatful to have an AD who looks at the whole picture and hires the right person - not the popular one. Popularity contests never work in Sports - never.
And I can't wait to see good defense again. :-) Bring it on!
3.29.2006
3.28.2006
Let the IU Circus begin...
er...well, it already has. Now we're hearing that IU and Kelvin Sampson, Oklahoma's Head Coach, have nailed down a contract and are getting ready to have a press conference about it in the next day or two.
Hmmm....he would be a great candidate but with all the uncertainty surrounding the last "rumored to be in negotiations" candidates, I'm not going to take it at face value until I actually see the face of AD Greenspan announcing such on local TV. It's craziness, this search for a basketball coach! It's been like a circus in the office - and I'm sure that goes for every office in the city of Bloomington. You know that if someone isn't talking about it, they are at least thinking about it - even the ones that don't care much about sports. It really doesn't matter - if you live in this town, any news about IU basketball is destined for the daily water cooler chats, regardless of gender.
So, though I like Coach Sampson, I'm not going to take it as fact until I have some solid facts. I'll just wait on hearing from the boys in our sports department. We'll know that it's a done deal when we hear deep exhaling coming from the back of the building. :-)
Hmmm....he would be a great candidate but with all the uncertainty surrounding the last "rumored to be in negotiations" candidates, I'm not going to take it at face value until I actually see the face of AD Greenspan announcing such on local TV. It's craziness, this search for a basketball coach! It's been like a circus in the office - and I'm sure that goes for every office in the city of Bloomington. You know that if someone isn't talking about it, they are at least thinking about it - even the ones that don't care much about sports. It really doesn't matter - if you live in this town, any news about IU basketball is destined for the daily water cooler chats, regardless of gender.
So, though I like Coach Sampson, I'm not going to take it as fact until I have some solid facts. I'll just wait on hearing from the boys in our sports department. We'll know that it's a done deal when we hear deep exhaling coming from the back of the building. :-)
3.27.2006
Okay, so I'm starting to get comments...
...from my blog entries. It's kinda cool because though this is an online blog you really don't know who reads it - until, of course, someone responds.
So to the person who just responded - you may be right about Calipari but this town is nutty when it comes to basketball. Our AD, while new, has brought in the right people so far so I'm trusting he will do the same now. However, the coach that comes here needs to win over the locals. Otherwise, he'll be in for the same beating that Davis took. I'm certain that Greenspan knows this and is taking into consideration what type of person he pays for this job. The next person has to have two very important qualities, among a zillion others: 1) a charismatic personality, and 2) a knack for making everyone believe that when he's wrong, he's still right. Basically, The General re-incarnate.
Otherwise, not only will this new meat be "forced" to leave but Greenspan will be on his way out, as well, in the next two to three years. And I'm very sure that Greenspan wants nothing to do with being the object of IU loyalist's hit list. It wouldn't be pretty. In fact, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy - if I had one.
So to the person who just responded - you may be right about Calipari but this town is nutty when it comes to basketball. Our AD, while new, has brought in the right people so far so I'm trusting he will do the same now. However, the coach that comes here needs to win over the locals. Otherwise, he'll be in for the same beating that Davis took. I'm certain that Greenspan knows this and is taking into consideration what type of person he pays for this job. The next person has to have two very important qualities, among a zillion others: 1) a charismatic personality, and 2) a knack for making everyone believe that when he's wrong, he's still right. Basically, The General re-incarnate.
Otherwise, not only will this new meat be "forced" to leave but Greenspan will be on his way out, as well, in the next two to three years. And I'm very sure that Greenspan wants nothing to do with being the object of IU loyalist's hit list. It wouldn't be pretty. In fact, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy - if I had one.
All about B-ball
Okay, so I'm really impressed with my college alma mater's search for a new basketball coach. They really are keeping thier lips sealed and I think that is the right thing. Of course, as a journalism graduate from the school, I know that it has to be so frustrating for the sportswriters here at the H-T. I mean, of course we want to be the ones to know first - we live here and if you live here you breath, bleed and worship IU basketball.
But I'm starting to see how smart Greenspan, our AD, really is. He is not letting people here, critics or the media affect his decision. And I'm impressed by some of the names mentioned - if Calipari is really in negotiations for the IU job as rumored. He's a big name and brings a big game. IU would be lucky to have him - and Memphis will sorely miss him.
Again, everything is just rumors right now. But, boy, what a rumor. :-)
But I'm starting to see how smart Greenspan, our AD, really is. He is not letting people here, critics or the media affect his decision. And I'm impressed by some of the names mentioned - if Calipari is really in negotiations for the IU job as rumored. He's a big name and brings a big game. IU would be lucky to have him - and Memphis will sorely miss him.
Again, everything is just rumors right now. But, boy, what a rumor. :-)
3.23.2006
The Day after the Day after the Day after
Okay...so I got a little cutsy with my title but I felt like it. My last story is due this Sunday and I've been in a groove. Really, I have. It's taken awhile to get back to it since life kinda took the driver's seat for the past couple months but at least it's back - my creativity. My story, meanwhile, is changing. It's her, her fiance and the doctor. That's it. It's not a happy ending, either. I hate unhappy endings which is why I'm really trying to write one. Life isn't always happy but we do have resolutions. They may not be the resolutions we wanted but they always end up being the one that is the best for us. So, this story is that for me. I want it to end with a hard-to-swallow but realistic resolution. And I think I've just about accomplished that.
Having the creative juices flowing again is so freeing for me. I get out of myself and into someone else and it just wakes me up. It's so liberating but challenging all at the same time. Liberating that I'm creating this character but challenging because the character always ends up teaching me something that I need to see in myself and be a better person. You write and erase (or delete if you write on the computer) this fake person's characteristics so many times that they just evolve into something that you couldn't have guessed in the beginning - and then you realize that it's a metaphor for you, your life. You're being molded and changing and growing from the time you leave the womb. The character you created, even if they seem so different from you, is really a part of you. There is at least one thing in them that characterizes you. I see that and reflect upon it in each character that comes off the page I'm writing on. Sometimes I feel like God teaches me through some of the characters that I create. Of course, they are not my creation. They are what God wants me to create; He gives me the idea and I write it down. It's a pretty sneaky way to get my attention but it always does. I don't know if I'll ever be able to support myself financially through my characters/stories but I know that God will continue to teach me through them.
So here's hoping that my last story for the class gives me a clue as to what God wants me to learn next. :-)
Having the creative juices flowing again is so freeing for me. I get out of myself and into someone else and it just wakes me up. It's so liberating but challenging all at the same time. Liberating that I'm creating this character but challenging because the character always ends up teaching me something that I need to see in myself and be a better person. You write and erase (or delete if you write on the computer) this fake person's characteristics so many times that they just evolve into something that you couldn't have guessed in the beginning - and then you realize that it's a metaphor for you, your life. You're being molded and changing and growing from the time you leave the womb. The character you created, even if they seem so different from you, is really a part of you. There is at least one thing in them that characterizes you. I see that and reflect upon it in each character that comes off the page I'm writing on. Sometimes I feel like God teaches me through some of the characters that I create. Of course, they are not my creation. They are what God wants me to create; He gives me the idea and I write it down. It's a pretty sneaky way to get my attention but it always does. I don't know if I'll ever be able to support myself financially through my characters/stories but I know that God will continue to teach me through them.
So here's hoping that my last story for the class gives me a clue as to what God wants me to learn next. :-)
3.21.2006
The Day After
I have been posed the question many times today, "So do you feel different now that you're 30 years and 1 day old?" I answered that I didn't but you know what? That's a lie. I do feel different. As I look outside at the snow (yes, I did say snow; though it's supposed to be Spring I wished for snow on my birthday - it's a day late but it still works for me), I do feel different. I have a different perspective and I feel freer (if that's even a word). After my party Sunday night, I realized that I am EXTREMELY blessed. Though sometimes my personality may be a little too outgoing, I still have friends and family that not only see through that but celebrate it. That just makes me feel like I'm really an okay person; that I should be proud of who I am and not just on the outside - on the inside as well. A lot of times in the past I've felt like a fraud. I may have acted non-chalant or super positive on the outside, but on the inside I felt wretched and hated myself. Those feelings are fewer and much farther between now and I can see it finally. I feel like I am finally growing up. I'm just a slow learner. :-)
And, after my party, I see where my desires really lie. I love many, many things but there are a few that I've always wanted and it's plain to see that everyone else knows, too. It's not a secret. It really is what I love. Those three things are sports, becoming an author and entertaining people. I love Ballroom Dancing but I have come to see that if I can't work for myself, I can't do it full-time. And though I may be a good instructor, I can't go back to that life. It's all-consuming and doesn't leave much time for anything else. I need to have my friends and time for my family; and time to meet my future husband. Working every evening is not something that I want to do again. I won't go back to that life now that I've experienced what it's like to have both a social and a work life. I have great friends and have time to spend with my family now. I didn't when I worked full-time at the studio; in fact, I had very few friends and none of them were close friends. It's hard to come to that decision but it's the only decision that I can make.
It has taken so long for me to be able to let go of a lot of things - especially this. I am not leaving the studio immediately but there will come a day (sooner than later) that I will. I'm not being utilized as it was originally discussed so I'm getting burned out. Too much longer and I'll start hating it again. I don't want that to happen and I don't want to let anyone down there. They have worked very hard to get where they are and I want them to continue to get better. We have terrific instructors now and terrific students. I want to see that continue but I know I won't be able to be a part of it much longer.
Though this realization is sad and was hard to come to, it's also exciting to realize that I've finally been able to make a tough decision. If I want to have a family and to be out of debt someday, I need to have my evenings free and I need a job that is full-time with benefits. I need to have something that utilizes my abilities/talents/natural instincts and also satisfies me. So I need to get serious and figure out what that is. I've figured out what that isn't finally. But there are many paths that "could be" perfect. Now, I just have to weed the imposters out.
Here is what I really want to happen in the next few years:
One full-time job that I actually like
Out of debt (or at least almost out of debt)
A dating life (a boyfriend or husband would be great but I'd settle just to be out there dating again)
My own place - preferably buying but I'll settle for being able to rent something nice on my own without a lot of financial strain - of course, it would be better if this happened with a husband but I'm not holding my breath. And I love being so close to my parents but I need to be on my own and fully responsible.
I know that's a lot to ask but if you don't ask for it, you won't get anything. So I'm pursuing them all and fully expect for at least half of them to come true because they are really all related. See if I find a full-time job with benefits then I send more money to my debtors, which in turn gets me more financially stable so I can then pursue my own place. The dating thing, well, that's a question mark. It has nothing to do with a job or my financial position. That's something that God really has to do for me. I don't know that if I am invited to a party one day that I have to go because I will meet my future husband there. You just don't know when that is going to happen. So I'm just going to pursue my goals but enjoy myself. One day, I'll meet someone that is the right man for me and it will be the perfect time and place - and I won't know that until it's that moment.
So, yes, I do feel different and now I'm going to act like it.
And, after my party, I see where my desires really lie. I love many, many things but there are a few that I've always wanted and it's plain to see that everyone else knows, too. It's not a secret. It really is what I love. Those three things are sports, becoming an author and entertaining people. I love Ballroom Dancing but I have come to see that if I can't work for myself, I can't do it full-time. And though I may be a good instructor, I can't go back to that life. It's all-consuming and doesn't leave much time for anything else. I need to have my friends and time for my family; and time to meet my future husband. Working every evening is not something that I want to do again. I won't go back to that life now that I've experienced what it's like to have both a social and a work life. I have great friends and have time to spend with my family now. I didn't when I worked full-time at the studio; in fact, I had very few friends and none of them were close friends. It's hard to come to that decision but it's the only decision that I can make.
It has taken so long for me to be able to let go of a lot of things - especially this. I am not leaving the studio immediately but there will come a day (sooner than later) that I will. I'm not being utilized as it was originally discussed so I'm getting burned out. Too much longer and I'll start hating it again. I don't want that to happen and I don't want to let anyone down there. They have worked very hard to get where they are and I want them to continue to get better. We have terrific instructors now and terrific students. I want to see that continue but I know I won't be able to be a part of it much longer.
Though this realization is sad and was hard to come to, it's also exciting to realize that I've finally been able to make a tough decision. If I want to have a family and to be out of debt someday, I need to have my evenings free and I need a job that is full-time with benefits. I need to have something that utilizes my abilities/talents/natural instincts and also satisfies me. So I need to get serious and figure out what that is. I've figured out what that isn't finally. But there are many paths that "could be" perfect. Now, I just have to weed the imposters out.
Here is what I really want to happen in the next few years:
One full-time job that I actually like
Out of debt (or at least almost out of debt)
A dating life (a boyfriend or husband would be great but I'd settle just to be out there dating again)
My own place - preferably buying but I'll settle for being able to rent something nice on my own without a lot of financial strain - of course, it would be better if this happened with a husband but I'm not holding my breath. And I love being so close to my parents but I need to be on my own and fully responsible.
I know that's a lot to ask but if you don't ask for it, you won't get anything. So I'm pursuing them all and fully expect for at least half of them to come true because they are really all related. See if I find a full-time job with benefits then I send more money to my debtors, which in turn gets me more financially stable so I can then pursue my own place. The dating thing, well, that's a question mark. It has nothing to do with a job or my financial position. That's something that God really has to do for me. I don't know that if I am invited to a party one day that I have to go because I will meet my future husband there. You just don't know when that is going to happen. So I'm just going to pursue my goals but enjoy myself. One day, I'll meet someone that is the right man for me and it will be the perfect time and place - and I won't know that until it's that moment.
So, yes, I do feel different and now I'm going to act like it.
3.20.2006
30 years young
Today is the day! It's finally here! I'm sure y'all are very relieved. :-)
But, you know what? I find ways to make my birthday last. One of my bosses at work is taking me out to lunch tomorrow and my dad said that he didn't send me as much as he usually does because I'll be there in a few weeks so he's going to treat me then. So this year, I managed to make my birthday last to mid-April. I'm getting good at this.
Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend. I may not have my own family or even a boyfriend yet but I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. And I do have work even if it's not full-time or with benefits. I am surviving and I fully expect this to be a great year. It's not because I just turned the big 3-0 but because I refuse to allow it to be anything other. You know, God gives us a lot but we don't always notice it. There are times that He gives us a clue to what He wants for us but we have to take the steps to get it. It's not that we have to work for our blessings but we have to follow through in His plan. I plan on following through this year on everything - even if that means internet dating. It's not what I want to do but it's becoming clear that the men here are fairly stupid to not want to go out with me. I've finally realized that I am a catch. I've struggled with my attractiveness all my life. But now I'm pushing aside those ill feelings towards myself and being confident in who I am - even though there are parts of me that are still growing up. We all make mistakes and are continually growing. We have to accept that and accept ourselves. I think I'm finally ready - really ready - to accept that.
There is a perfect job and the perfect man for me out there somewhere; and though I'd love to stay here in Bloomington awhile longer, I fully realize that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can dream up. If His will leads me away from here, I know it's all for the best.
But I'm going to take advantage of living here as long as I can. Happy Birthday to me!
But, you know what? I find ways to make my birthday last. One of my bosses at work is taking me out to lunch tomorrow and my dad said that he didn't send me as much as he usually does because I'll be there in a few weeks so he's going to treat me then. So this year, I managed to make my birthday last to mid-April. I'm getting good at this.
Anyway, it was a wonderful weekend. I may not have my own family or even a boyfriend yet but I've been blessed with amazing friends and family. And I do have work even if it's not full-time or with benefits. I am surviving and I fully expect this to be a great year. It's not because I just turned the big 3-0 but because I refuse to allow it to be anything other. You know, God gives us a lot but we don't always notice it. There are times that He gives us a clue to what He wants for us but we have to take the steps to get it. It's not that we have to work for our blessings but we have to follow through in His plan. I plan on following through this year on everything - even if that means internet dating. It's not what I want to do but it's becoming clear that the men here are fairly stupid to not want to go out with me. I've finally realized that I am a catch. I've struggled with my attractiveness all my life. But now I'm pushing aside those ill feelings towards myself and being confident in who I am - even though there are parts of me that are still growing up. We all make mistakes and are continually growing. We have to accept that and accept ourselves. I think I'm finally ready - really ready - to accept that.
There is a perfect job and the perfect man for me out there somewhere; and though I'd love to stay here in Bloomington awhile longer, I fully realize that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I can dream up. If His will leads me away from here, I know it's all for the best.
But I'm going to take advantage of living here as long as I can. Happy Birthday to me!
3.15.2006
Da Vinci Code
Okay, here are my thoughts on the Da Vinci Code book and movie.
As a Christian, I just can't support a book that is basically trying to usurp the credibility of Jesus. I realize that it may be entertaining and the author may not be meaning to do anything but create a name for himself - still, it's a little disheartening to know so many of those I know who love the Lord have not only spent money to buy and read the book but want to watch the movie. I feel comfortable in being vocal about this because most already know my opinions on this and I know won't be surprised by my comments.
I am not perfect and have my own faults; but this book has seemed to make me come alive when it comes to my faith and an apparant blasphemical book that some of my Christian bretheren find entertaining. It calls into question my own values in what books I read and what movies I see. The fact that this particular book makes my insides crawl tells me that I should seriously consider how other things of such nature have crept into my own life - and the means to get rid of them.
I have seen "Passion of the Christ" only once and for the sole reason that I cannot handle my wretchedness for God having to stoop to my level and undergo such torture - just because He loves me that much. I can't ever find a love like that in this world; no matter how hard I look for it. No man will come close to God's love for me. And I can love with abandon but not to the extent that God's love for each and everyone of us can; at our best, we still aren't close to the vastness of His love. But I can't condone a story that has Jesus as being imperfect. He was not and is not and will never be anything but part of God. That my Christian community (me included) has allowed ourselves to be deceived by such blasphemy is saddening; and again, I should really take a look at myself and what I allow as being okay whether it's for myself OR for my friends.
If you want to know just what He went through for all of us, read the book of John, chapter 19. Would you do that for someone you loved? I don't know anyone who would go to those lengths. Jesus did. And I refuse to allow anyone to see Him as anything else but perfect - especially not as he is represented in The DaVinci Code - even if it's for "entertainment" value.
As a Christian, I just can't support a book that is basically trying to usurp the credibility of Jesus. I realize that it may be entertaining and the author may not be meaning to do anything but create a name for himself - still, it's a little disheartening to know so many of those I know who love the Lord have not only spent money to buy and read the book but want to watch the movie. I feel comfortable in being vocal about this because most already know my opinions on this and I know won't be surprised by my comments.
I am not perfect and have my own faults; but this book has seemed to make me come alive when it comes to my faith and an apparant blasphemical book that some of my Christian bretheren find entertaining. It calls into question my own values in what books I read and what movies I see. The fact that this particular book makes my insides crawl tells me that I should seriously consider how other things of such nature have crept into my own life - and the means to get rid of them.
I have seen "Passion of the Christ" only once and for the sole reason that I cannot handle my wretchedness for God having to stoop to my level and undergo such torture - just because He loves me that much. I can't ever find a love like that in this world; no matter how hard I look for it. No man will come close to God's love for me. And I can love with abandon but not to the extent that God's love for each and everyone of us can; at our best, we still aren't close to the vastness of His love. But I can't condone a story that has Jesus as being imperfect. He was not and is not and will never be anything but part of God. That my Christian community (me included) has allowed ourselves to be deceived by such blasphemy is saddening; and again, I should really take a look at myself and what I allow as being okay whether it's for myself OR for my friends.
If you want to know just what He went through for all of us, read the book of John, chapter 19. Would you do that for someone you loved? I don't know anyone who would go to those lengths. Jesus did. And I refuse to allow anyone to see Him as anything else but perfect - especially not as he is represented in The DaVinci Code - even if it's for "entertainment" value.
3.13.2006
So much to do...GO HOOSIERS!
What a weekend! Have I already said that I hate thunderstorms? Yeah, I guess that's an understatement. Luckily, we were spared the really nasty stuff. It's disheartening though that so many other states were devastated. I hope that those deaths weren't because of stupidity and were because of the intensity of the storms. I see a lot of people around here driving in the worst parts of the storms, thinking that nothing will happen to them. If they did that in the other states, they'd have been sorely mistaken. I stay put or make sure I'm close to home in those storms. Even though we were spared, I'm still glad of my decision to stay put. You just never know.
But it also means that this week I'm going to be a little busier than planned. It shouldn't be too bad but with the addition that I didn't get much sleep a fw nights this week becasue the storms we had were pretty loud, I'll feel a little rushed. Tomorrow, everything is up in the air. I'm preparing for something to happen later this week or weekend and only have a couple hours to do it before I'm to be at Bible study. I don't want to miss it again but I may have to. And then my mom tells me that we're going away for the weekend so I have to be packed and ready. Plus this weekend I have to get my dress for Jennie's wedding (I still haven't gotten the swatch yet) so whereever we go has to have shopping. It's getting kinda late for me to get the swatch. I really should have had it at the latest last month but my best friend has been busy and she's not exactly the on time type so I'm not surprised. Nor am I upset - I know her and she knows me. I'll find something; though I am getting a little pressed for time.
So, here's the rundown for my week: Jen's birthday, my birthday, going out of town and finding a wedding dress. It's going to be crazy - but good crazy. At the end of it, I'll have gone through three celebrations and found my maid-of-honor dress all in one weekend. And, let's not forget that I'll have said goodbye to my 20's. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally become a grown up. :-)
Okay...so that may never happen but here's to having a great decade anyway! :-)
Oh...and GO HOOSIERS! I'm a little miffed that so many "experts" are picking my boys to be upset in the first round. I've had it with them. Even when we're doing well, they pick against us. In 2002, none of them picked us in any game in the NCAA tournament and yet we went to the National Championship game. Had our boys not been tired under all the stress they had to suffer that year and been healthy (Coverdale played with a bum ankle; he could barely walk - and Jeffries knee wasn't great), I have no doubt that we would have kicked Maryland's booty. I have no doubt, period. They underestimated us all year. So bring it on, boys! Let's show that picking against us is only adding fuel to our fire. This Hoosier girl is behind you all the way and believes in you.
But it also means that this week I'm going to be a little busier than planned. It shouldn't be too bad but with the addition that I didn't get much sleep a fw nights this week becasue the storms we had were pretty loud, I'll feel a little rushed. Tomorrow, everything is up in the air. I'm preparing for something to happen later this week or weekend and only have a couple hours to do it before I'm to be at Bible study. I don't want to miss it again but I may have to. And then my mom tells me that we're going away for the weekend so I have to be packed and ready. Plus this weekend I have to get my dress for Jennie's wedding (I still haven't gotten the swatch yet) so whereever we go has to have shopping. It's getting kinda late for me to get the swatch. I really should have had it at the latest last month but my best friend has been busy and she's not exactly the on time type so I'm not surprised. Nor am I upset - I know her and she knows me. I'll find something; though I am getting a little pressed for time.
So, here's the rundown for my week: Jen's birthday, my birthday, going out of town and finding a wedding dress. It's going to be crazy - but good crazy. At the end of it, I'll have gone through three celebrations and found my maid-of-honor dress all in one weekend. And, let's not forget that I'll have said goodbye to my 20's. Maybe, just maybe, I'll finally become a grown up. :-)
Okay...so that may never happen but here's to having a great decade anyway! :-)
Oh...and GO HOOSIERS! I'm a little miffed that so many "experts" are picking my boys to be upset in the first round. I've had it with them. Even when we're doing well, they pick against us. In 2002, none of them picked us in any game in the NCAA tournament and yet we went to the National Championship game. Had our boys not been tired under all the stress they had to suffer that year and been healthy (Coverdale played with a bum ankle; he could barely walk - and Jeffries knee wasn't great), I have no doubt that we would have kicked Maryland's booty. I have no doubt, period. They underestimated us all year. So bring it on, boys! Let's show that picking against us is only adding fuel to our fire. This Hoosier girl is behind you all the way and believes in you.
3.06.2006
Vanity
Okay, so sometimes I feel like I'm a little too vain. But, who wants to look bad on their birthday, right?
I just sent an e-mail to the two friends that are planning my party. I made one request: that I don't look bad for my birthday or my birthday party (I don't know what day it is going to be so I covered my bases). They have said they are not going to tell me so I wanted to be sure that I'm not attending my birthday in lounge clothes or am rolling out of bed. It is my 30th birthday - a milestone - and I know there will be lots of pictures taken by my mom so I want to look good looking back on it. I'm sure there will be enough of "blackmail" pictures of me through the years at my party to more than make up for any good pictures taken. :-)
I do trust them - but we all sometimes second guess that though our friends know us, they don't know everything. There was a day a couple weeks ago that a close friend of mine was surprised at something I said I liked - a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. Sometimes you take for granted that the closest people to you know everything about you - but they don't. And, in extension of that, you may place that same expectation on the man that is your soulmate. That's not fair on him - or you. The man I marry is not goign to be perfect - and I need to realize that I'm not either.
I tend to forget that and hold these super high expectations on people - like they are supposed to remember everything I say and do. That's impossible - I say way too much for anyone to remember even 1/3 of what I say or do. Last night's Bravehearts study really hit home this point for me. We discussed Chapter 4 - The Queen of Hearts. Wow! We all had pretty strong observences about the chapter and ourselves personally. It was great to get everything out in the open - I really wish that more people could've been there because I think it was a really good study for the group.
So, I'm learning for the second time (the Bravehearts leadership already did the study last year) that I need to relax my expectations - they are impossible and unrealistic! And I need to trust more; my friends and family trust me even when they have the right not to.
And...I am now fully commited to NOT WORRYING about anything concerning my birthday - including how I'm going to look. But I'm not stopping my countdown....14 days. :-)
I just sent an e-mail to the two friends that are planning my party. I made one request: that I don't look bad for my birthday or my birthday party (I don't know what day it is going to be so I covered my bases). They have said they are not going to tell me so I wanted to be sure that I'm not attending my birthday in lounge clothes or am rolling out of bed. It is my 30th birthday - a milestone - and I know there will be lots of pictures taken by my mom so I want to look good looking back on it. I'm sure there will be enough of "blackmail" pictures of me through the years at my party to more than make up for any good pictures taken. :-)
I do trust them - but we all sometimes second guess that though our friends know us, they don't know everything. There was a day a couple weeks ago that a close friend of mine was surprised at something I said I liked - a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. Sometimes you take for granted that the closest people to you know everything about you - but they don't. And, in extension of that, you may place that same expectation on the man that is your soulmate. That's not fair on him - or you. The man I marry is not goign to be perfect - and I need to realize that I'm not either.
I tend to forget that and hold these super high expectations on people - like they are supposed to remember everything I say and do. That's impossible - I say way too much for anyone to remember even 1/3 of what I say or do. Last night's Bravehearts study really hit home this point for me. We discussed Chapter 4 - The Queen of Hearts. Wow! We all had pretty strong observences about the chapter and ourselves personally. It was great to get everything out in the open - I really wish that more people could've been there because I think it was a really good study for the group.
So, I'm learning for the second time (the Bravehearts leadership already did the study last year) that I need to relax my expectations - they are impossible and unrealistic! And I need to trust more; my friends and family trust me even when they have the right not to.
And...I am now fully commited to NOT WORRYING about anything concerning my birthday - including how I'm going to look. But I'm not stopping my countdown....14 days. :-)
3.01.2006
Having Faith
If I didn't have my faith, I don't know who I'd be or where I'd be. Faith is so important; not only Faith that God's going to do what He says He's going to do but also faith in the people around you.
But Faith gets tested, repeatedly and often. We don't like to be tested - I don't like to be tested. But when we come through a situation on the positive side, it makes it all better. This is one of those times for me. Someone very close to me is okay - they don't have the disease doctors were worried about. It's been a trying time to keep Faith and let God handle it - because it very easily could have gone the other way and that still would've been in His will. But it would've been harder to deal with. I can focus a bit more now and I feel a great deal of thankfulness that the situation turned out this way.
On another note, I exercised Faith yesterday at dinner with some friends. My birthday was brought up (and I want to be clear that it wasn't me that bought it up - see I'm being very, very good) but when I said that I wasn't to know anything including where or when it was going to be, I got weird looks. Either they already know or were really trying not to fill me in or give me hints. That is a good thing because it strengthens my Faith in my friends who are planning this. I love them both very much and am learning to let go of control over certain things - most notably my birthday celebration. I do like to control certain things in my life and this is one of them. I think I am succeeding in weakening my grip on such things. But I am still getting more and more excited so I have to keep myself calm and not talk about it so much.
I am still allowing myself to do a countdown, though...less than 20 days remain before I'm officially out of my 20's. :-) I'm told, too, that the 30's are great. Since I don't have a family or a career yet, I'm taking that to heart. All those things I desire may be waiting for me to turn 30. :-)
But Faith gets tested, repeatedly and often. We don't like to be tested - I don't like to be tested. But when we come through a situation on the positive side, it makes it all better. This is one of those times for me. Someone very close to me is okay - they don't have the disease doctors were worried about. It's been a trying time to keep Faith and let God handle it - because it very easily could have gone the other way and that still would've been in His will. But it would've been harder to deal with. I can focus a bit more now and I feel a great deal of thankfulness that the situation turned out this way.
On another note, I exercised Faith yesterday at dinner with some friends. My birthday was brought up (and I want to be clear that it wasn't me that bought it up - see I'm being very, very good) but when I said that I wasn't to know anything including where or when it was going to be, I got weird looks. Either they already know or were really trying not to fill me in or give me hints. That is a good thing because it strengthens my Faith in my friends who are planning this. I love them both very much and am learning to let go of control over certain things - most notably my birthday celebration. I do like to control certain things in my life and this is one of them. I think I am succeeding in weakening my grip on such things. But I am still getting more and more excited so I have to keep myself calm and not talk about it so much.
I am still allowing myself to do a countdown, though...less than 20 days remain before I'm officially out of my 20's. :-) I'm told, too, that the 30's are great. Since I don't have a family or a career yet, I'm taking that to heart. All those things I desire may be waiting for me to turn 30. :-)
2.28.2006
Committed
...in every way but one. I mean, it's as if I forget that there are only 24 hours in a day! What am I thinking? I work three days a week from 9 a.m.-10 p.m. at two very different jobs. The other two weekdays I work and then do two Bible studies. Essentially, I am gone from home from 8:45 a.m.-at least 10 p.m. during the week. Also, most Saturdays are spent at the studio from 11 a.m.- 4 p.m. My Sundays are now committed to be at church for most of the day.
What am I doing with my time? This is a good reason why I have no quiet time with the Lord anymore. It isn't that these things I'm committed to are so bad. They are all good things but there's too many of them. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend; I'm not around enough to know if I like someone and if they like me back. I'm just not that available. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Tonight will be nice. Our Bible study is getting together for dinner instead of study; which only means that it will be a little shorter. I love our Bible study and what we're studying but it's so nice to have an evening where all I have to do is eat and then go home. I have the opportunity today to be home before 9 p.m. - that's unheard of on a weeknight for me.
I'm enjoying teaching at the studio but I'm not enjoying the two different jobs. It's too difficult. But I haven't found anything full-time that will make me financially comfortable and stimulate me. I wish I knew what to do next - what to apply to, what to study, what to strive for. I'm so confused. I have no clear path but to keep doing what I'm doing. I just wish that something really good will happen (and when I say something, I'm thinking financially for the most part - new job, win the lottery, get out of debt sooner). That's a lot of stress. If I could just become a better steward of my money - which is arguably not mine - then maybe I can focus a little better.
What am I doing with my time? This is a good reason why I have no quiet time with the Lord anymore. It isn't that these things I'm committed to are so bad. They are all good things but there's too many of them. No wonder I don't have a boyfriend; I'm not around enough to know if I like someone and if they like me back. I'm just not that available. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Tonight will be nice. Our Bible study is getting together for dinner instead of study; which only means that it will be a little shorter. I love our Bible study and what we're studying but it's so nice to have an evening where all I have to do is eat and then go home. I have the opportunity today to be home before 9 p.m. - that's unheard of on a weeknight for me.
I'm enjoying teaching at the studio but I'm not enjoying the two different jobs. It's too difficult. But I haven't found anything full-time that will make me financially comfortable and stimulate me. I wish I knew what to do next - what to apply to, what to study, what to strive for. I'm so confused. I have no clear path but to keep doing what I'm doing. I just wish that something really good will happen (and when I say something, I'm thinking financially for the most part - new job, win the lottery, get out of debt sooner). That's a lot of stress. If I could just become a better steward of my money - which is arguably not mine - then maybe I can focus a little better.
2.20.2006
The Last Days...
...of officially being in my 20's has begun. Well, it began 337 days ago...and if you're more technical, it began 9 years and 337 days ago (I'm too tired to figure out the exact amount of days). For me, though, it officially started Saturday - which marked 30 days until my 30th birthday.
For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.
Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)
For 30 days leading up to my birthday, I am doing one thing that I want to that day - no matter how big or small it is. Saturday, I did not work (though I sort-of worked for one lesson) and spent time with friends at my house playing cards and watching movies and the Olympics. Though nobody knew it, that's how I kicked off this little adventure - with my little card party. So thanks, guys, for helping me start the celebration even though you didn't even know you did. Sunday, I went to see a movie with a friend. Today, I had fries from Arby's. I don't know what I'll do for tomorrow. I have Bible study after work so I guess I'll figure something out before then. Maybe I'll do something on my lunch hour - I'll think of something.
Today marks 28 days till I'm 30...if you're counting. :-)
2.14.2006
Countdown #4
34 days and counting... :-)
I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)
I'm getting more and more excited. But I'm trying to keep it in check. I promised my friends that the only thing I would talk about concerning my birthday is to do this countdown. I left all the plans up to them. I even told them that I trusted them with everything. That's a big thing for me - not the general trusting part. It's the trusting that everyone will have fun at my birthday part. I always end up planning my own birthdays because no one else seems to want to; and that way, I do exactly what I want. But this year, I'm giving up control and "trusting" someone else to plan it for me. Two of my friends are taking on the challenge and I trust these two completely with the task. It's just getting harder and harder for me to not know what the progress is and all the details. But I also want to be surprised and want them to have confidence that I do trust them...so I'm just going to keep myself in check and resist my desire to ask them about it. I can do it but prayer would help because I am seriously getting really excited. :-)
I have a date...
...with the Sandman. You know how I was all complaining about not having a date for Valentine's? Well, that is so last season. I just want to sleep...sleep, sleep, sleep. I'm exhausted. My eyes feel like they are bowling balls (thank goodness for Mary Kay's Indulge Soothing Eye Mask! Otherwise, I'd look like a raccoon who met the varmit's version of Rocky).
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
Seriously, I'm tired!
And, of course, everyone around me is sick. I mean, sick, sick. One person I know who is highly contagious (she has three forms of illness - all at once) is still periodically getting around people and infecting them. But, thank goodness, she finally realizes that's she's ill and needs to stay in bed. She needs to get better - a lot better -before she comes back to work. Otherwise, it won't be long before she is sick again. And she needs to be well. There is so much going on right now and I know she's upset that she's missing it. Still, it's better to get really well than to repeat the process all over again.
So, I have a date with my pillow at 8 p.m. - yes, 8 p.m. I have two lessons at the studio and then I'm going straight home. I should be home no later than 8 p.m. And I'll be asleep shortly after - I'll take one Tylenol PM just to make sure I fall asleep right away and stay asleep until 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 15. :-)
2.08.2006
Just another day...
...another ordinary day. Huh? Yeah, days aren't ever ordinary for me. But today isn't super emotional or interesting either. I'll take that...when I can get it. So I like today - a lot.
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
I was just thinking about next Tuesday - the dreaded Valentine's Day. I had hoped that this year would find me with a date for that evening. Yeah, I have a date...with my Bible study. I just don't know anymore if I should even be looking for a special someone. I know that I brooch this subject a lot on this blog but seriously, what am I doing? I mean God hasn't so much as put someone in my life that I have even wanted to date (and vice versa). I joke a lot that certain NFL, NBA or MLB players are just "waiting for me." But I'm joking. It's a way to not make me feel so bad about myself when it comes to the opposite sex, especially in front of all my guy friends. You know, I'm not exactly unattractive. I've stuggled with my physical self my whole life, trying to be prettier and have a better body. But really, I shouldn't be trying so hard, I am attractive without all that stuff. I've finally been able to have a better view of myself. So now, I'm kind of tired of the questions I get from my family and friends on why I haven't found someone yet because to them I'm very pretty and have an attractive personality. I wish I could just tell them "Well, I know that I'm not supposed to have one so you should stop worrying about it because I have" - but every time I get to that point something happens to make me think that a guy I like likes me back. But guess what? NOTHING HAPPENS! So, I ask again, what am I doing?
As of today, my focus has to be a career - no matter where that takes me (a new job, a new city or a new country). Because I do really want to have kids. I'd prefer to have a family unit (mother, father, 2.75 kids) but that may not be for me. So, I need to put myself in a financial place so that I can adopt.
You know, I have more than one guy friend that is older than me and they are all single. And though it seems that they are very content in their single life - I just couldn't be if I were their age. I want to have a family and a house. I think sometimes it's easier for guys to stay single longer; they get to be on their own without any woman "nagging" them. But marraige isn't all about "nagging" (btw, this is something that another friend of mine believes about marraige and he's older, too). Don't you guys think that your marraige counterparts can't stand your little "flaws" either? It's a relationship that has to be worked on continually; it's not just us, you know. It takes two to have a relationship; and when you find someone who you can't live without even if there are some things that irk you, then that's the person God has for you (especially if they feel the same way about you).
But guys like to "sow their oats." Even Christian guys do this - but in other ways. Are you about done yet? Because us aging, attractive Christian women have about had it. I know that I speak for most of my single women friends and others that I've never even met. We don't sleep around, we cook, we clean, we're intelligent, we like to be active and we are fun to be around. But apparently, if we're not a natural blonde with a big chest - well, that doesn't work for you. I don't mean to be judgemental about this but that's what I see. Unless we have "hot" bodies, even our Christian bretheren don't give us the time of day. So, on behalf of my many single girlfriends, wake up and get real, guys! You're missing out on a good thing - probably the best thing to ever happen to you.
Okay, I'm off my soap box....for now. Yeah, like the above is going to get me a date. It'll probably push guys away...but at least it's honest. And maybe it'll help some guy get off his butt and ask a girl out - and that girl may happen to be one of my friends so all the words written in this entry were worth it (even if it's not happening to me).
2.07.2006
Rollercoaster, baby!
That is what my life is...a non-stop rollercoaster. One day it's the fastest in the world; the next day it's the scariest with mind-blowing drops; and then the day after that it can be more of a kiddie ride. Seriously, it's no wonder I was exhausted yesterday. I slept for 16 hours. I had trouble focusing my eyes and not getting dizzy. I didn't have a cough, sneezed, or had any sort of temperature. I just couldn't clear my head. Today, I feel like a whole new person! I guess that I just needed to rest. And rest I did...16 hours!
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
I found out some good news personally and from a friend. The personal one I'll keep to myself for now but it's helped my demeanor today. But a good friend of mine from CA is having her second child this year! I'm so excited for her. It's another little girl (she has a little girl already named Lucy). If it works out, I may get to see her and my other friend and her son for lunch while I'm in CA in April. It'll be so great to see them with their families in person! I haven't gotten to see their babies yet so I really want it to work out that I can see them - even though my time is short there.
This friend of mine is also on the "Move Tiffany back to CA" bandwagon; actually, I think she's more like the Ringleader. She's always wanted me to be back. I just have never wanted to move back - but since there are so many things NOT happening here I'm open to the fact that I could be moving again. But I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT move back to Los Banos or Fresno. No offense to my family and friends there, but I don't want to live in those cities again. It's great to visit but not to live for me. If I move back, it's to somewhere that is either closer to the mountains or the beach. However, I'm not really a CA girl anymore; yes, I miss the beach but the fast, workaholic lifestyle - definitely not. So, we'll just see what God has in store for me. I'm just ready to keep my options open. And I'd really like to meet somewhere back here and get married back here. But I know I'll be happier with God's plan for me...so I'm willing to wait.
Plus, I can't move soon - Alisa and Jen are planning my 30th birthday! I can't miss that! I have a lot of friends that will be there to celebrate with me - who care about me as a person and accept me though I'm sometimes messy. I really appreciate them and that God has allowed me to be part of their lives - even though I only see some of them sporadically. So though the party is in my honor - I'll feel honored and humbled that they showed to support me.
2.03.2006
Why am I so stupid?
Seriously, why am I so stupid? I'm not talking about in the intelligence way - although you could argue that it could have a little to do with it. I just opened up about something today to a few friends. I admitted that I like this other person. I don't even know why I'm attracted to him because he doesn't really know that I exist - in that way. I have to be cryptic here because, though I don't think he'll ever read this blog, I can't let him know. I'll feel stupid and like a fool. But I have to admit that I want to get to know him better. I'm curious about him past what everyone sees on the outside but I'm never ever around him. Maybe once every couple months. Really, I think that the attraction is partly physical but mostly, it's curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat - so why can't I let it go? We're probably not compatible in a romantic way but that still doesn't make me want to not want to get to know him.
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
Because I'm stupid. I always start to like guys that don't have a clue that I exist. Why can't I be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? It's not supposed to be this hard. If you like someone and they like you back, it should be easy. But that never happens to me. In fact, it's always been really bad timing - that's why I've never had a boyfriend. It always ends up that one of us is moving on so only then does one of us open up - just before leaving - and admit that at one time we had the hots for each other. On one hand, it's good because it's obvious that the other person wasn't the one the God wants us to spend eternity with. On the other hand, I've never had any experience with relationships so as I get older I'm less and less confident in saying yes to someone I like. I feel like I'm a total baby when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex. I'm pretty good at hanging out with guys due to the fact that I LOVE most sports. But that sometimes gets in the way of dating. I'm thought of as a "buddy" or a "safe" girl - like I don't expect to be treated like a lady. Can't I be both? Can't I be treated like a lady and a friend? Apparently, guys don't think so.
It gets frustrating. I don't want to give up my love of sports and I can't give up my girly side. I'm at a loss at what to do. If guys can't accept me as either, both and/or - then am I ever going to be excepted as dating "material?" Will I ever be a girlfriend or, more importantly, a wife? Or am I destined to be alone because the opposite sex can't open their eyes and see what an amazing gift I can be for any man: a female who would actually love to go to sporting events with them, would make awesome food for "our" many sports-related parties, and am a fun personality to boot?
You men - you're really the stupid ones sometimes. And that's the cold, hard truth. Even if this person is attracted to me - just bear with my fantasy for a moment - he hasn't done anything about it. I was told that maybe he was hurt before and it's really hard for him to open up. Well, it's been years since we've known each other and if it's taken him this long, then he's not very bright and is letting a good thing slip away. Which makes me not want to like him but right now I don't have a choice in the matter; it would be easier if I could just turn off this curiosity but, apparently, I broke the nob. At least, not until the next poor man comes along that attracts me to him though he's actually wearing repellent. :-)
2.02.2006
Is the desert calling?
He leads us on by paths we did not know; Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow, Though oft we faint and falter on the way, Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;Yet when the clouds are gone,We know He leads us on. He leads us on through all the unquiet years; Past all our dreamland hopes, and doubts and fears, He guides our steps, through all the tangled maze Of losses, sorrows, and o'er clouded days;We know His will is done;And still He leads us on. - Nicholaus Ludwig Zinzendorf
Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.
The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.
Is the desert calling me? Or is it just playing with my emotions? That's what I want to know today. Will I be strong enough? Is there anything that I have to be strong about? Those are the questions I have today. Is it the end? Is it the beginning? Is it the middle? Is it just transition? This is what I don't know about life today.
The only thing I do know and am clinging to: that He knows what's best for me, for everyone. Whatever happens next is what's supposed to happen (and, of course, I pray that the good thing happens though I know that there's just as good of chance that the bad thing will happen instead). Still, you have to hope and be positive in the midst of so much uncertainty. Otherwise, what do we have but despair, depression and sadness. I choose to be positive - as much as I can be when things don't seem to be going right.
1.31.2006
Everything all at once
It must state in the miniscule text in the Book of Life that everything has to happen all at once. It can't be gradual or you can't have one thing happen, fix it and then the next thing comes. No, we have to multi-task our problems. It's no wonder we (Americans) have high stress levels and are the fattest country on this planet.
Right now, my personal life is a little chaotic -though I've learned to accept it and put one foot in front of the other not worrying about the next step until it's here - otherwise I'd drive myself into the looney bin. One of the issues that I'm dealing with is health - that of a few in my family and my friends. I'm trying to be very positive but, to be brutally honest, I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop - literally. I'm sure that with my luck, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. Everything for me always happens at once - the bad thing about that is that it's all always bad. Not one positive happens in that time. I have to get through the bad stuff with not one iota of hope. If I didn't have a strong faith, I'm sure I'd be in a straight jacket by now. So besides trying to find a full-time job, figuring out why I'm so unattractive to the opposite sex so I can finally answer the question, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" that I get asked on a daily basis, finding a way to make my life debt-free and become a better friend, I may have to deal with health issues, too. You see, nothing good. It all may be going somewhere good but it's all negatives to work through; there just can't be one thing that just happens that's good that I don't have to work for - you know, it just happens without you even knowing.
What is getting me through is that I'm used to this. I don't cry much anymore; I just put it on my shoulders and walk through my day - half like a zombie and half just like a busy person. I found that being busy helps you not think of so many of the bad things. It's not that the busyness helps you avoid them, but it helps them to not overrun your life so you become a weepy mess. The lack of sleep also doesn't help but if you only give yourself enough time at rest in order to sleep in your bed, then you also don't have to think about the bad things as much - you don't have time! You must use the lag time to sleep (even if it's only 6-7 hours a day, which is what I'm averaging right now).
I don't mean to complain; I just need to get things off my chest. I fully realize that there are many people in this world that have bigger problems than mine. But we all have to release at some point or else we'll drive ourselves crazy. Everybody's problems are for each of us to share, support and help them get better.
But wouldn't it be nice if for once we can have one thing happen good in the midst of all the bad? I feel like all I ever talk about is not having a full-time job that I'm good at and like, not having a relationship, still being in debt and health problems. I'd just like for one of those things to change. 1 out of 4 would be great. All would be better; but 1 out of 4 is a good start. There would be hope and it would be easier to tackle the other three. Then again, I know God is teaching me something with all this. So, it may have to stay this way: everything all at once. Maybe that's the only way "it" works: this thing we call life.
Right now, my personal life is a little chaotic -though I've learned to accept it and put one foot in front of the other not worrying about the next step until it's here - otherwise I'd drive myself into the looney bin. One of the issues that I'm dealing with is health - that of a few in my family and my friends. I'm trying to be very positive but, to be brutally honest, I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop - literally. I'm sure that with my luck, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. Everything for me always happens at once - the bad thing about that is that it's all always bad. Not one positive happens in that time. I have to get through the bad stuff with not one iota of hope. If I didn't have a strong faith, I'm sure I'd be in a straight jacket by now. So besides trying to find a full-time job, figuring out why I'm so unattractive to the opposite sex so I can finally answer the question, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" that I get asked on a daily basis, finding a way to make my life debt-free and become a better friend, I may have to deal with health issues, too. You see, nothing good. It all may be going somewhere good but it's all negatives to work through; there just can't be one thing that just happens that's good that I don't have to work for - you know, it just happens without you even knowing.
What is getting me through is that I'm used to this. I don't cry much anymore; I just put it on my shoulders and walk through my day - half like a zombie and half just like a busy person. I found that being busy helps you not think of so many of the bad things. It's not that the busyness helps you avoid them, but it helps them to not overrun your life so you become a weepy mess. The lack of sleep also doesn't help but if you only give yourself enough time at rest in order to sleep in your bed, then you also don't have to think about the bad things as much - you don't have time! You must use the lag time to sleep (even if it's only 6-7 hours a day, which is what I'm averaging right now).
I don't mean to complain; I just need to get things off my chest. I fully realize that there are many people in this world that have bigger problems than mine. But we all have to release at some point or else we'll drive ourselves crazy. Everybody's problems are for each of us to share, support and help them get better.
But wouldn't it be nice if for once we can have one thing happen good in the midst of all the bad? I feel like all I ever talk about is not having a full-time job that I'm good at and like, not having a relationship, still being in debt and health problems. I'd just like for one of those things to change. 1 out of 4 would be great. All would be better; but 1 out of 4 is a good start. There would be hope and it would be easier to tackle the other three. Then again, I know God is teaching me something with all this. So, it may have to stay this way: everything all at once. Maybe that's the only way "it" works: this thing we call life.
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