AAAUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

You know what I want? One week - just one week - where I can come in to work and not receive an e-mail that says "these slides were wrong." AUGH! I am so tired of working really hard on the slides and still making mistakes. I don't make any mistakes anywhere else. It's just usually the slides - and I spent a lot of time on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday last week checking and double-checking.

I really think that Claudia is right - I lack passion for my job right now. No matter how hard I work, it's not the same as working hard with passion. I'm bored with it. I try and try to be perfect at all aspects of my job - but let's face it - I'm not cut out to be an administrative assistant for the rest of my life. It's not a hard job and there are some great perks to my job. But if I just come to work to work and it doesn't mean anything to me - no matter how hard I try to make it mean something - then it's not the job for me forever. But I know that right now I can't leave it. There are benefits to my job that I need right now. On the other hand, if I'm required to be perfect at certain things (which no one can be) then maybe they need to let me go. I know it would be hard for them (harder for me) but if my minor mistakes are that important then a change is needed.

I mean, c'mon. I never made this many spelling mistakes even while I was Editor of my high school and college newspaper. That has to say something about how I lack passion for what I'm doing. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be happy where I am. I'm restless; always have been. I get bored very easily. If I wasn't so scared to take more medication, I don't think I would have worked as hard and done as many things in high school that I did to keep myself busy enough so my parents couldn't see that it wasn't just my brother who had ADD. I saw a lot of me in Aaron; he just didn't learn how to channel it well or have an excuse to - like I did. How is it that my younger brother taught me so much growing up without knowing it? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Wasn't I supposed to be setting an example and teaching him? Oh, well - that's just one of the mysteries in life, I guess.

I'm feeling a little better now that I've gotten this work stuff off my chest. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't still need to meet with my employers about it. I know they like me and enjoy having me around but if my work isn't up to snuff then I don't want to bring the ministry down anymore. I don't want that to be my legacy here. And, I really don't feel the desire to leave them - just the desire to feel like I'm really and truly needed because of how I'm gifted. That's not what I feel right now, at all. Everyone around me seems to have a niche; I do not. And I know that I need to; it's how I'm wired. I've been trying to re-wire myself but I know now that it's God that's been hampering my re-wiring. He made me who I am for a purpose; now I just hope that others can see that.

I'm meeting with someone before I meet with them today who will give me good advice on the situation. I'm hoping to make known my feelings so I know how to approach them. Just because I'm going through some stuff, doesn't mean that it should affect my job and my relationship with my employers. I want to handle it the correct way; and I want to make sure that it's the right time to say something. I just want to be utilized for my gifts; not as a catch-all. It isn't me; and, frankly, it's degrading. There's a reason why I was in college for 5 1/2 years and if I'm not going to be utilized here in any capacity that uses my talents and abilities then I need to go somewhere that I really can make a difference - ar at least start the process.

I feel much better when I write things. I know that I will always be able to write my feelings and vent through my writing. It really is my best, most genuine outlet. It's so easy for me. I really need to do it more; and anytime I feel I need to, even during work. It doesn't matter who reads it either. It's just me being me and if anyone doesn't like it then we can talk about it and work through it. I just can't not be me anymore; I'm not willing to give me up for the world. For God, yes. The world, no. And I feel like I'm giving me up for everyone else to be happy; and I can't do that anymore. I can be happy with them but not for them; it doesn't do anything for my self-esteem. So, Roger is right; I need to change that little thing about me. That's something that I have to work on; nobody else can do it but me.