Passion

Okay. So I had a good talk with my mom last night. She's pretty smart. Of course, she's a mom and they are always right. I think this was one time, of late, that she actually really knew how I was feeling. She said it herself, "You are restless. You didn't go to college to be in a job that takes you nowhere. You just have had trouble making decisions." She is so right. I do. There is so much that I want to be and do that I can't decide WHAT to do. I want to be a sportscaster on ESPN; I want to write for Sports Illustrated; I want to run my own newletter or magazine; I want to run my own dance studio/restaurant that doubles as a nightclub on the weekends (the restaurant is connected to the dance studio). I want to travel and learn really where my family came from (Azores Islands). I want to learn Portuguese (though languages are hard for me to learn; even Portuguese). I want to go on another mission trip. I want to write a screenplay. I want to write a novel. I want to write short stories. I just want to write. I want to dance and perform. Once, I'd like to try acting for real - but I'd rather be behind the camera as one of the writers/directors even more so. I want my visions to be on screen and touch people that are hard to touch. I want to find a ministry in my church to plug in and really utilize the gifts I've been given; something that satisfies my inner being to contribute and follows God's will. Something that is my own and people respect me for what God's given me; respecting, of course, God first. I want to plan events and get paid for it - I think I'd be very good at it. I know without a doubt now that I have the gift of hospitality. I want to be a chef. I want to have my friends over for a gourmet meal at least once a week. I want my family to live closer to me. I want someone to know me almost as well as God does; who has similar interests and would be a partner to pursue those interests with; someone that compliments me, and me them. I want to feel alive again.

I'm dead right now. Not literally, but figuratively. Passion is an important thing in everyone's life. When you lack passion, it's even hard to get out of bed in the morning and do everything that day that you HAVE to do. You really don't want to do anything. You lose perspective on a lot of things but one - that you feel useless; that no matter how hard others try to make you feel better it doesn't work and it isn't going to. You still feel usless; like you don't have a purpose. I know I have a purpose and it's eating at me. And I know that God's telling me to be patient but also not to be comfortable. And I'm definitely not comfortable right now. I haven't been for awhile. He created me to do more than what I'm doing. Partly, that's my fault. I let myself get too comfortable; when I know eventually I'll be very unhappy. I have always needed to do something that makes me feel like I have contributed in a way that no one else could have. I don't have that now. I can make myself be okay with what I'm doing right now; I've done that for several months now. But when it isn't what you desire and that inside you know it's not what God wants you to desire to be for the rest of your life, you get restless and cranky and impatient. Hi, that's me. I'm restless, cranky and impatient. But I have kept it out of the lives of my employers for awhile. Except now that my mistakes are becoming more and more important, I have to be open and honest. I know, too, that I'm still supposed to be in this job for awhile. But I have to be used as if I have something to bring to the table. I have been told instead what to be and do; what I really signed up to do has been taken away and that's okay - for now. In the meantime, I need to be treated with more respect than just a do this and do that type of girl. I need to be part of projects that mean something; not just sit here as a secretary and do boring, daily tasks that I don't do well. We have many people here that are great at what I do and love it. I've tried but it isn't me; and I've finally figured out that that's okay. I don't have to be good at this to be good at something else. I have to stop telling myself that because I make mistakes in part of this job doesn't mean that I can't do anything. I've just been given different gifts. But I know right now that the guys need me; but they have to give me something, too. If I'm to stay in this position, if I'm supposed to be "okay" with how things went down, then they have to give me a worthwhile reason to do so. I hope to get this across today. I love them, I really do. And I know that they enjoy me and they wanted me to be with them. But one question wasn't really asked by them to me - what do you want? And I probably would have chosen to give up the pub...you know what? No, I wouldn't have done that. I would have come up with a way to work it out so that I would still do part of the pubs (or organized htem all into one part-time position) and they'd get someone better suited for this position. You know, I really really know now that I would've taken a pay cut and got a part-time job elsewhere. But that didn't happen so I can't say woulda, shoulda, coulda. All I know is that right now I have to stand up for myself and give them respect by being respectful myself and telling them honestly how I feel and what I've been praying about since I started feeling this way in February. And that I'm not quitting; I just need to feel connected in some way to this ministry. That just because I'm a girl doesn't mean that I'm going to be great at being a secretary. I am one of those "independent" women that, if she had her way, would be a successful career woman. I know I'm on the right path, though. It's just finally time I started to do the things that God wants me to do; I can't sit and let Him just give me everything; I have to take action when He says to. And that begins now. It's time for me to get up off my behind and do something about it; He can't do everything for us and He doesn't mean to. He gives us the tools to use and we use them. I haven't been so I need to now.