Breakaway

How can a song say everything you feel? How is that possible - especially when you didn't write it? I just started to write my autobiography, as it were, a couple years ago. I don't know if it's for me or to be published one day - but for the last three years I feel strongly about writing what I know, which is me and my life. I picked back up with the story a couple weeks ago, just before Kelly Clarkson's new song came out, "Breakaway." I didn't even catch the words the first few times but I knew I really, really felt drawn to the song. The first verse (all of it before the first chorus) is all about me. All about how I felt growing up: pre-school, elementary school, jr. high, high school and college. I guess my biggest breakaway was when I moved here to Indiana, where I still reside. It was the first time I stood up to anyone, let alone my parents, and said, "I don't care what I have to do, I'm going with or without you." Luckily, I have some of the best parents ever - they picked up thier lives and moved with me so my transition would be easier. How cool is that!? I'm a very lucky and a very blessed young lady...er, woman now. I don't think a 28-year-old is thought of as a young lady anymore; technically, I'm a woman.

Grew up in a small town, And when the rain would fall down, I'd just stare out my window, Dreamin' of what could be, And if I'd end up happy, I would pray. Trying hard to reach out, But when I tried to speak out, Felt like no one could hear me, Wanted to belong here, But something felt so wrong here, So I'd pray, I could breakaway.

So yeah, I broke away but what did I do with it? So far, not too much. And then again, a lot. But I think we all want to do and be more. We all want to be known for something - or just to be known. Lately, I feel more like the second verse:

Want to feel the warm breeze, Sleep under a palm tree, Feel the rush of the ocean. Get onboard a fast train, Travel on a jet plane, Faraway, And breakaway.

And then really, I feel like this totally:

Buildings with a hundred floors, Swinging 'round revolvin' doors, Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, But gotta keep movin' on, Movin' on, Fly away, Breakaway.

It's a crazy thing - this thing we call life. But, you know what, it's worth living - no matter what happens, where we go, what we do and where we, eventually, end up. Right now, I'm successful in many things - one of those is not financially. It's scary at times but it's only money. I'm not taking my debt to Heaven - or anything for that matter. Just my soul, in the presence of my Jesus, my Lord and my Savior. And for those who don't believe in Him, I'll pray for you, for them. Because one thing that I do know is that no matter where I am, where I go, what I breakaway to - He's always there beside me. Through the bad and the good. :-) When I make bad decisions and good ones. It's all to help me learn and grow - and maybe I'm a little bit of a slow learner. He knows that; but He's still patient. He knows what I'm here for and He knows that I know that, too - though sometimes I forget that. He knows I'll do that sometimes, too. And still I know that He loves me more than anybody on this earth could; and that the one that does will love Him, too. I just have to be patient, like Him. Just be like Jesus. It may sound hard - and it is - but it's worth getting there. Believe me, it's better than anything this life says is better. It isn't; there's still a hole there because it's the void that is meant for Him to fill.

Some people go their whole lives without finding out why they can be so successful and feel so incomplete, still. And that's sad; becuase no matter how depressed I get sometimes, it's nothing like when I was without Him - nothing like it. Being with Him is worth everything. Of course, I have to be honest - I am so not perfect. To be in debt like I am is not being a very faithful servant. I know that I may "make up" for it in other ways; but it's discipline that I lack. And I can see that now. I can see that discipline is always what I've lacked. It's the one thing that I need to focus on right now.

After my vacation, which will begin a week from this Friday, I need to "breakaway" from my current situation. I need to put it in His hands; even though I know it will take a lot of work and be difficult. Sometimes His way isn't the easiest way but it's always the best way. It always works out better than any way you can come up with; or any "quick fix." It's going to take a lot of discipline, determination and drive - the three d's I dont' have but I need. And He's already given me two ways to do it: Mary Kay and my "not lost, but misplaced" love of writing. Let's face it, I will always be "verbose." It's the way He wired me...and maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to see that that is a good thing. :-)