Shall we dance?

Yesterday was the first time I have been to an Arthur Murray Showcase event in over 3 1/2 years. Some things have changed and some have stayed the same. But mostly, I learned a few very important things.

One - I've grown up, a lot, since then. It was fun, relaxing and not so serious this time. Yes, it was still about the students and them having a good time but there wasn't the pressure as before. Everyone seemed more comfortable, confident (except for Barbara, of course). She has to be a little stressed so that she makes sure that everything goes great for the day and the students. However, I thought of something really good for next time. Somebody (a staff member) needs to get up there early (at least an hour) to get things set up and ready before students start arriving. We didn't leave until 10 a.m. To be honest, we really should have left around 9 a.m. (no later than 9:30 a.m.) or had gone up the day before so we'd be able to get there first thing. This would've given us time to set up the camera, save tables, etc. If I'm still at the studio in February (I have stopped planning for the long term; it's day to day for me now because you never know what is going to happen), I'd be willing to do this - especially since now I have a friend who lives up there and would love to have the company. It'll lower Barbara's stress level and ensure an even more comfortable, stress-free day for the students. We would just be better prepared all around.

Two - I like my body the way it is. Yes, I still want to eat healthier and continue my workout goal to increase the support for my lower back. But I don't want to be like some of the girls who are teaching at some of the other schools. They are so teeny tiny that it makes them look anorexic. I'm positive that they are not anorexic or bulemic because a lot of dancers and people in general have high metabolisms. One of the reasons why some dancers are so tiny is that they have danced their whole lives and that has trained their body to use the food they eat quickly because of their high exercise and energy level everyday. But I used to want to be that small. No more. I watched a few performances of these tiny ladies and all I could see were how small they were and how I thought it was really unattractive. I couldn't even pay much attention to the dances (which, I have to say, of the ones I could focus on, were all really fantastic). This is only my opinion - I don't intend to persuade anyone to think like me. However, it is concerning to see how small some people can be - especially if they are a taller individual - and how our society pushes this unhealthy look upon our children. Yes, we need to somehow curb the obesity issues that are permeating our culture/country but not to the extent that we tell our kids to go on diets and to not eat. We just need to make sure they eat healthier and are active outside the home. It is up to the parents to be focused on this. They have to desire this for their kids, otherwise their kids won't desire it for themselves. Also, I love television but it's not really a good thing. It's okay to watch it but our society is made up primarily of couch potatoes now and that has a lot to do with the state of our health and the health of our kids.

Three - I have a different perspective and desire for dancing. It's supposed to be fun, easy and give you a sense of well-being. That's how I'm approaching my teaching now. People don't need 30 million steps. They need to learn how to dance and manuever around the dance floor while still having fun. I've always taught this way to an extent but after a break from all of it (I really was burnt out and I really couldn't physically teach all day anymore), I've learned that I need to be more focused on teaching this way. We all need a little more fun in life because we don't know what tomorrow brings. We need to laugh, be light-hearted and let go of things more often than we do. This is something that I need to take seriously on a personal level. If I make a mistake, it's okay. If I get up in front of everyone at the next event and do a pro-show and mess up; it's okay. It's all for fun. There should be no pressure on my partner or myself to perform perfectly. Its' for fun so it should look as good as it can for the students but not to the point that it's stress-filled - which I used to make it. That is going to change starting now.

Four - My break was necessary. I learned things that I never would have had I stayed. I'm convinced, too, that I would've burnt a lot of bridges and maybe even have suffered a mental and physical breakdown. I've learned that there are reasons that certain things happen to you in life at the times they happen. You can't see them coming, either - which is a good thing. Otherwise, we'd never learn; which means we'd never grow; and that means we'd always stay in the same place. That is just so depressing to realize. Who wants to be mediocre for their whole life? I don't know anyone who claims that their goal is to be mediocre in life.

Five - Life is short. Take advantage of the good times but don't forget about your responsibilities. It's you who makes or breaks your goals. Don't overextend yourself but don't pass up the opportunity to do things you love. Otherwise, you can become an unpleasant person, unsatisfied and depressed. Pay attention to the people you love, forgive them always, help them when times are difficult (even if you have to give them advice that they need but don't want), pray for them by name and walk through life in a way that God will tell you at those amazingly beautiful pearly gates, "Well done, My child. Welcome." Because this life really is fleeting; we die. But we can have eternal life if we want it.

It's really not that hard. We just seem to want to make it hard; as if we have to to work for it. We don't; He forgives always. It isn't something we earn; He just gives it. Remember that.

The Sky Is Falling!

You have to go to this website: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/chickenlittle/. It is so funny! I really want to see the movie (yeah, I know, I'm 29). But it looks so funny and a great family movie (like The Incredibles). You can even download a dancing chicken on your computer to be your background. People at work love mine.

Check it out!

What is time anyway?

How come we have to abide by time but our Creator, God, can be timeless? Sometimes I find myself wishing that time didn't exist. I know, I know. We need time to do everything everyday. Time is the underlying thing of everything: when you get up in the morning, when you have to be at work, when you eat, when you pick up the kids, when you go to sleep, etc. Everything has a time limit.

To be honest, I'm usually early at everything (sometimes a little too early). But I'd like to not feel so oppressed by time - meaning all aspects of time like age, clock and year. Plus, our time is never really spent the most valuable way. When you are at work you are supposed to work that entire time - but there are a lot of times at work where it's "slow" and you don't have anything to do. Some companies frown on filling that time with other things; but if you have no work to do, then you're wasting that time.

You see? It's a vicious cycle; and one that I wish I could figure out for myself. I want to find a better use for my time. I'm not exactly sure if writing on my blog is an accurate use of my time but at least it fills it. :-)

There's a song...

...in Ballroom Dancing titled, "Fascination." It's a waltz rhythm and if you sang it, it would sound like this reads: Fascinaaaation. Well, I've had this song running through my head for a while now but instead of Fascination, it's saying Procrastinaaaaation. Wow! I have 8 days to finish my story. Why do I do this to myself? I have no time tomorrow, Sunday or next week. The only time I have is Saturday. You can bet that I'll be glued to my computer Saturday. It shouldn't take me long to finish writing it; it's the ten edits I'll have to do that takes the time.

I'm really having to take a much bigger look at the life right now. There is so much going on; which is good. However, it's a little jumbled right now. I just wonder how or if it's ever going to clear up. I know that God has given me direction but it's kind of like the Central Valley in the early morning: foggy. And Tully Fog, at that. If you don't know what Tully (too-lee) Fog is, here's a basic description: take the densest fog you've ever been through and multiply it by 10 times - that's Tully Fog. No kidding. I've driven through what they call bad fog here and it's not even close to Tully Fog. Tully fog is like having cumulonimbus clouds on the ground. Seriously, it's scary. Not only do you take your life into your hands if you try to drive through it; but you do the same if you try to walk at all. You can't see anything. Zip, zero, zilch. It's creepy, too, because it's almost as if it's choking you. You breathe it because it completely surrounds you. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. Definitely not one of the things I miss about California's Central Valley.

On the other hand, there's a few things I miss about living in CA: Monterey and The Sierra Nevadas. CA has everything - mountains, valleys, beaches, forests and even the desert. I've tried to take a yearly trip to Monterey but this year was out due to my job outlook. I love spending time there. It's so relaxing and always refreshes me. I like to go by myself, too. It would be nice to have a friend along with me but it's okay to be there alone. You can drive as far as you want and do what you want when you want. The only drawback is eating at a restaurant. It's a little weird dining alone but usually that feeling passes quickly for me. I have found that when dining alone in a nice restaurant, you get really fabulous service (which also means you end up leaving a bigger tip - but it's all worth the attention and good service).

I like to camp in the mountains, too. My family used to take really great camping trips near Lake Tahoe. We fished, rested in the tents, played vicious games of UNO around the campfire at night, told stories, laughed and ate the best smores ever. It was one of my favorite times of the year (if not the favorite). I want to have traditions and stuff like that for my kids, my future family. They might be a little different than when I was a kid but I want to have them nonetheless. I know that it is so important to remember where you came from and who you really are. I want to give that to my kids (if God blesses me with them - and a husband, of course).

Laurie has more than she thinks

I received an e-mail today from a friend. It's just one of those e-mails sent by some anonymous person that is meant to encourage you. I usually don't pass them on (or look at them). This one, however, put things into perspective. In fact, I ended up making a list of things that I have in my life. I was surprised on how much I really do have. No matter how wrong my life is right now, I found I have the most important things; all the urgent things are not important. I have:

Two part-time jobs
Friends that have Bible study with me
Friends that hang out with me
A best friend 2000 miles away that calls me and makes sure that I know we will always be friends - no matter what happens or how far we live apart.
A brother who worries about me and tries to give me advice (even though he's 2 years younger)
A dad who sees something at an auction and outbids everybody for it so he can send it to me across the country just for the simple fact that he thought of me when he saw it.
A stepdad who worries about me that when he sees my car gone early in the morning figures that I never came home the night before and calls frantically to find out if I'm okay (I was and I did come home; I just actually left earlier than normal).
Parents who still want me to be close to them.
Parents who want me to succeed and will help me any way they can, including having me rent out part of their house but will give me every bit of rent back when I move out.
Co-workers who never fail to say "Good Morning" to me or ask about my weekend.
Co-workers who don't want me to leave when I get a full-time job - even though they are subjected daily to my rantings and ravings.
A successful author that tells me that I have a gift, a unique voice and should pursue my dream to be a writer.
A successful author that encourages me but criticizes me so I get better; and one that says no matter what happens, if I never get published, that I did everything I could so it isn't failing.
A student(s) who light up when I attend a ballroom party or teach a group class and say, "We're so glad that you're here."
A friend that I have seen but twice since high school that still thinks of me as one of her best friends and encourages me frequently to stay positive because the idea I have of myself is warped; it's not what she or others see.
A niece who loves and misses me even though I get to see her only about once a year. Another niece who is already grown and has been offered full athletic scholarships to college (in and outside of CA).
Four nephews who are all adorable, fun and are going to change the world for the better one day.
Friends who take me out to lunch, dinner or a movie because they'd rather spend time with me than have me decline because I can't afford to. And they don't expect me to return the favor. They just want to spend time - with me!
My health, eyesight, hearing, no cavities; the fact that I can eat by my mouth and my stepdad still has to eat one feeding a day through a tube as a result of the aggressive radiation and chemotherapy treatments he underwent to cure his cancer; he is two years cancer-free.
Family and friends living in at least nine states and three countries.
A grandfather that is in remission for Multiple Mylanoma.
A Bible study class that meets often outside of class and truly enjoys fellowship with each other, including me.
A small group who truly cares about each other and prays sincerely for each other.

I know that there is more - I'll add to this as I remember. I encourage you to do the same and keep it somewhere that you'll read when you feel down. We have so much more than we think. Things are never as bad as they seem when we remember how many people love us - truly, truly care about us the way we are.

Crazy Week

This week is going to be interesting. I have work everyday (like normal) and something planned for every evening (work, Bible study or meetings). Saturday, I have two events (but I can't afford the second so I'm probably not going). It's not until Sunday that I don't have something planned. Besides church, that's it.

As I look forward to next week, it is beginning to look the same as this week. Wow! Too many things going on. I still have to finish my last story assignment for my class, too. Yikes! I need to find a way to open up my schedule. The thing is that everything is good. Nothing planned is frivolous. Although, I could do with a little frivolous. I so really need a full-time job or to find something that gets me across this desert....and soon. :-)

One positive is that I have gained two new customers for my Mary Kay business. From thier orders, I can place a large enough monthly order to be active and to pay down my inventory. That will really help. I need to be a little more active in my business but it's hard to focus on it right now. I've been focusing on my writing but now with all these other things that I'm in, it's taken a toll.

I should just do an online show. I've never done one before. That might be a good thing to try right now. I just have to commit a time to do it. Easier said than done. :-)

A first...in a long time

For the first time in a long time, I actually got out of bed and put my thoughts down on paper. It's been awhile since I woke myself up enough to do this....and last night I even turned on my computer. I shouldn't be so worried about sleep. The life of a writer lacks much in the way of sleeping. Yes, good rest is necessary to function well but when thoughts, stories, plots come at you, as a writer you have to jot them down right away. You don't want to lose it because sometimes you just can't get it back, no matter how hard you try. I finally had all the tools to do this last night and still get some sleep. I've done it before but it's been literally years since I was able to write at the drop of a hat. It's a good sign for me. Plus, it only took about 20 minutes of sleep; and I ended up being able to sleep in a few minutes this morning anyway.

Sometimes stuff just works out without you having to worry about it. So why worry?

Changes to blog

Hi, again. I've made some changes today in my blog.

Church
I've added the links to my churches. Yes, I did just write churches. I love SOCC but I've also found a smaller church (way smaller) that I like to attend sometimes. It's SOCC but stripped down to the basics. When I want to be "quiet," I attend Exodus. However, SOCC is still my main church and I still really adore the worship and teaching.

Verses
I've added this section because it is a very important part of my life - hence the title. Many other verses can qualify as "life" verses for me but these three are the most important ones to me right now. I'll change these periodically or add to the list when I feel it is necessary.

Work
These were adjusted, also. I no longer work at SOCC so it was manditory that I remove it from that list. You can still navigate there but from the Church link section. I also added the newspapers website (my current employer) so you can check out my new "hometown." You can also now navigate directly to my personal website on marykay.com. The new link takes you directly to my page where you can peruse and order products from me online. We have recently updated our color line. You should check it out! And our Microdermabrasion Set is still the best seller of them all.

Music
I've added Plus One to this list. They started out five strong but are now three strong. In fact, I like them more now than before. Their sound is also a lot different: moving from pop to rock/alternative. They wrote and composed all the songs on their current album. Really, they just rock. Unfortunately, I don't think they have had the monetary success that they had when they were a "boy band." But I seriously hope that they'll come out with another CD like the last one. Keep rockin', boys!

That be it. Have fun checkin' out the new links!

I fear for the safety...

...of our President. I understand that he wants to see the devastation of Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. But to take walking tours of areas that are unsettle and have idiot people shooting at others instead of helping each other is this time of need is not a smart thing. I do not want my president to get hurt. These people have guns and they are too desperate to be civil. I'm very scared for him. It is upsetting me so much. Seriously, I'm livid that they are allowing him to do this. I know he wants to be there for his people but its just too dangerous. It's not that I don't have faith in our FBI, CIA or whoever protects him but situations like this are unstable, unpredictable.

I am going to seriously pray and hope that they do not allow him to walk through New Orleans, at least. I have even more respect for him for wanting to do it at all. But I fear for his life. No matter what others might say, he is a very strong president. He doesn't back down to a challenge and he tries to protect this country the best he can (when others before him have weakened it). He is the true example of being an American. He doesn't know what quit means or what a coward is. I know he isn't perfect but I'm proud to be an American because of his leadership. He rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.

I just hope others will see that, too - especially since he's going into harms way to be with his people.

Guys...then fun movie but not a "good" movie

Okay, so I'm over the guy thing...mostly. My mom and I had a good talk the other day; it wasn't long but it was very informative. The gist of the conversation was this: I believe that there is one person best suited for everyone and she thinks that I should just find someone suitable and make it work. That's not how I work. If God doesn't bring me to him, then he's not for me. I'm very strong in this point. I will not budge. I have dated but am unwilling to date at the present time unless it's with a guy I think has his morals right and we're both attracted to each other. There are guys that I'm interested in but, after doing a little "research," they, at this time, aren't interested in me. And I'm okay with that, especially since I'm not strongly attracted to any of them. It's a bad time for me anyway. I need to be focusing on getting out of debt, out of my parents house in a year and establishing something of a career.

Oh, and that other guy I talked about, that's calmed down for the moment. Of course, I don't see him a lot so it's easy to not think about him. But isn't it a sign that if I'm not thinking of him all the time that I'm really not that interested in the first place? Doesn't that mean that it was just a little crush or acknowledgement of a small attraction? Or am I being really stupid and worrying too much about this when it's not supposed to be this hard to hook up with someone in the first place? BTW, "hook up" to me is just dating someone; not the other reference. That won't happen for me until I'm married. :-)

Enough about that. :-)

I did go to see a pretty fun movie Friday. It wasn't a "good" movie but it did entertain me; and I believe it will entertain those who go to it and accept it as it was meant to be. I saw "The Dukes of Hazzard." The car chases were good, the driving was excellent and the whole "good ol' boy" feel was there but it was definitely not the TV show. It was the Dukes as present day hillbillies (they even had cell phones). And though the movie did entertain me, I have to agree with a lot of other folks: the best parts of the movie were when the General Lee was on screen. But, to be fair, the movie was meant to be what it was. And for what it was, I enjoyed it. Also, the music during the car chases was very well selected. It made them even better and you got into the whole sequence. B-/C+

There was too much cussing and sexual conotations in the movie for my taste - which was the main reason why I gave it the above score. Yes, there was some sexual innuendo in the TV show but not as blatant as in the film. Though with a Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott film, you can't expect much better. Sorry, guys. :-) I just don't happen to be someone who enjoys crude/sexual (even mildly so) films. But to be completely honest, I really went to see the car in action. And I wasn't disappointed. :-)

Now, I'm waiting for "Underclassman" and "Aeon Flux" to come out. The latter just interests me because I watched the MTV show a few times. It was actually a bit interesting. The former I want to see because I think Nick Cannon is one of the funniest actors/comedians we have right now (his show, "Wild n'Out," is a blast to watch).

There are two other movies coming out this winter that I'm really excited for, too: Zathura and Narnia. They both look very promising. :-)

Checking in...out guys

Okay, so I haven't written on my blog in awhile. I've just been so busy. I've started a new job, moved into a new apartment and am in the process of turning my temporary job into a permanent one (it's still only part-time but it's a job nonetheless). I've found, too, that with this new job I have the time to pursue some of my other interests that can also add to my bank account. I have to be very strict with my money for the next year still but I may come out of this next year having finally succeeded in life in some way. I've never been so excited to be me - and to see what God has in store for me for my future. I just wish I didn't have to contend with this massive debt, too. :-('

Really, the biggest news I have is that my temporary job at the newspaper turned into a permanent one. It's a little more money with a few less hours but it's permanent - which to me means I have a place to go to work everyday. I'll just have to find other means to make money that will pay for other stuff. But it's good that I like it here and they like me. I transition a week from tomorrow so it will be good to finally have permanence. But it will also be sad that I don't get to work at this desk. I'll be fine across the room but the desk that I'm at is very lively because it's right on the other side of the cubicle from the artists (who are all so funny) and it's in front of the inside sales people's desks (who are also funny in their banter with each other and me). But I will get to know two other sales reps and I think that I'll learn a lot from them, too.

I have to say something else, too, that's been a little weird in the last two days. My friends birthday was Sunday. I was invited to lunch with her and some other friends in celebration. There was a person there that I just didn't think to expect there and it affected me. In fact, I tried not to look at this person the whole time because when I saw this person I was directly affected and I didn't know how to deal with that. I can't like this person. This person and I just wouldn't work and I hate that I know that I still want something to happen. I'm so curious about what goes on in their head and where they come from and what makes them who they are and why they do what they do. It's so crazy because I know things would not work for us from what I've already experienced - but I still found myself drawn to him (okay, so we all know that it's a guy I'm talking about). He's attractive but what gets me is that that isn't why I'm still drawn to him. I'm hoping that I find out I'm still attracted to him just because I'm a woman who loves sports and want to find out why we aren't closer friends or at least sports friends. But I still have this deep feeling that I really like him. And that's so absurd because he is so not attracted to me in anyway. I hate that I always get attracted to the wrong guys. They may be "right guys" in the sense that they're good guys but they're wrong because they're wrong for me.

Anyway, I just didn't want to deal with this now especially when dating anyone should really be out of the question. I have so much debt to take care of and that means I have to work a lot. I won't have a lot of time. If it's something that God wants for me to do, though, - you know, date someone - then I won't be able to say no to the guy who asks. You know, I need to stop thinking about this and just let God handle it.

It's hard, though, he just looked so amazing with those glasses on, so intelligent and sexy. I'd never seen him with glasses. Plus, he's nine years older; I'm too immature for that to work out. Again, so stupid to be attracted to him - so I'll have to do my best to not be. :-) But I can't promise that if he invites me to a ballgame that I won't go (and of course I will make sure that I pay for the ticket this time even if he got them for free). I'll just have to be myself but on my best behavior, too. Maybe he'll have a girlfriend by then and he'll be totally unavailable. That would be very helpful for me to not like him - in any way. Please, please, please, Lord. Give him a girlfriend (a nice one who may end up his wife one day). And help me to be attracted to the right guys for me. I just want to be attracted to the one that you have created to live in eternity with me; the one who you created me for. That's all. Amen.

Exciting news!

Something great just happened...and it couldn't of happened at a better time - even though things really aren't that bad right now. I just got word from my instructor - with a few small tweaks, my story is ready to start being submitted! She even gave me a place where I should start to submit it. It's an online magazine that's fairly new but she thinks it will take of and be very successful. She knows the editor and thinks that it would be a good opportunity for me to break into the business. I'm so excited about it that I don't want to work right now and just want to go home, make some changes and submit it right away! That's how excited I am! But I do have to work and it is a fairly busy day so it will have to wait. Plus, the guys that are going to set up the new computer won't be there until later today so I can't write or fix anything. But at least its a small step in the right direction - both in my writing and my life-path. :-)

Well, I really better get back to work. I just couldn't hold this excitement in; I had to do something and this is quick, easy and only takes a few moments out of my day. :-) Woo Hoo!

My life is full, I think

I know this is the second time already today but I just had a thought (and I have nothing to do at the moment at work): My life is full, I think. I mean, looking at what I have in my life, I should be extremely happy (even with the frequent, "You should go on e-harmony.com" comments from my mom). I have a family who loves me and helps me even when they don't have to. I have friends in at least four states and one other country. I have a car, a job (though temporary), my health and have found my Savior. So why do I still get depressed at times? I'm not now; and I know that I want to have a family one day and want to get my thoughts out on paper for people to read - but I have everything else. So why do I , and people like me, still get depressed at times? What is it that we truly long for? Am I really longing for love, in a romantic way? To be honest, I'm a little scared of it. I have waited a long time; and I don't want to fall in love with the wrong person. But I want to love and be loved (and no, I'm not talking about sex; that isn't love - it's a physical expression between a husband and a wife, of which, yes, I really do want to have some day - with my husband).

I just realized why I'm having these thoughts: a friend of mine had two dates last weekend. I was a little jealous, I admit it. Another friend of mine just announced that he's engaged. So I guess my question is why haven't I even found someone I truly want to date and that who truly wants to date me? LOL! I'm so all-over-the-place at times. I just remembered that in my last entry I was so okay with not having someone because I don't have time. And now, here I am talking about how I question why I don't. It's so funny to be me sometimes. And no, I'm not blonde (no offense to those who are; but it is a well-observed stereotype and I have blonde friends who don't take any offense to it and actually use it to their advantage). I'm a proud brunette who thinks too much sometimes and talks way too much. However, I'm sticking to my story about the talking thing: I really do think God gave me a quota of words to say everyday. So if anyone has a problem, they need to take it up with Him. Plus, I think better when I'm talking; it helps me to work it out in my head. I don't know why I have to do things this way, but I do.

None of this means that I'm super-intelligent or super-stupid. It just means that sometimes I try to rationalize things to the point that I forget why I was concerned by it in the first place. Things need to be simple. And isn't it the simple answers that always end up being the best answers to our questions? :-)

Just FYI

I had a very productive weekend. My stepdad and I moved some of my stuff over to the house on Saturday. It may have only been one load but it was so nice to come home to a slightly sparse townhouse and see that things have started to get going. Pretty much everything in my townhouse is mine; my roommate has very few items in it (besides what is in her room). I hope to move the majority of the rest of my furniture this next Saturday. I hope that I can find some people to help. I don't want my stepdad and I doing everything.

I spent most of the day with my parents on Sunday. We went to lunch to celebrate Father's Day, looked at computers for them at Best Buy (I'm inheriting their old one - YES!), and then Dave and I went to see "Batman Begins." He wanted to see it and I didn't mind seeing it again so we went. He enjoyed it. It was nice to do something with him on Father's Day. Though, I did think that my dad probably misses being with us (Aaron and I) on Father's Day. It's been a long time since that happened. It's another thought that has further encouraged me to wait for hte right person. I do not want my kids to go through what I went through. I know that I cannot control anything but I can control who I date and who I marry.

And, I'm sorry, Mom, but I just can't go out with any guy. It's not how I'm wired. And I'm not too old. My generation is waiting because we've seen what's happened with the divorce rate from previous generations and we've learned to be patient. And, if God really does want me to meet the love of my life through the internet, then He'll lead me there. Right now, I have no inclination from Him to pursue that. To pursue a family, yes. But on His timeline, not my mom's or mine or anyone else's. Yes, it's hard to have to wait so long but I know in my heart that it will be right when He says it's time. And that doesn't mean that the next guy I seriously date will be the one. It just means that I'll be ready to pursue a relationship; whether or not he turns out to be my soulmate. And, really, there is no one right now that lights my socks on fire in any way. Not even a small attraction. Plus, I'm too busy right now trying to get my finances right (my life in order); if it's going to happen now it's going to have to happen so plainly that it's like a 2x4 hitting me in the head. :-)

Anyway, enough about that. I'm tired of having that conversation. All I want is to get out of debt and into my own place in the next two years. I want to get published; even if it's only one story. I hope it's more than just one; but I'll settle for one right now. That means that I need to start submitting ones that I have and get ready to be rejected many times before one of them is accepted.

Here's to developing a thick skin, which I don't have right now. :-)

Batman Begins...the Best of the Best

Seriously! Wow! Great movie. Great direction. Great performances. All-around great movie. I saw the first showing last night, expecting only something a little better than the previous three. I was blown away. It's a great interpretation and representation of who Batman is and should always be portrayed. In my opinion, it was the best of the recent five movies. I rank them 5, 1, 3, 2, 4. And, yes, Christian just edged Michael Keaton as the best Batman. He just was so believable as having a dark side and a compassionate side. Compassion was easy to see in Keaton; dark-side, not so much.

And, can I say that he was so hot? I know he's married and has a kid but that doesn't mean that the rest of us can't appreciate his appearance. I am not lusting in any way after him; you just can't help but notice his "hotness." And it's about time he started getting some credit for his skills. He is a great actor; and I so hope that he continues to choose roles that distinguish him as a great actor. He can carry a film by himself, if he has the right script. But, to me, I think he's made some mediocre films bearable because of his dedication to the character he is portraying. I hope, too, that we can see him in more movies - but I also wish for him to have a lot of time with his young family. Or at least, through what I think will be his breakout performance celebrity-wise (everyone already knows he's underrated as an actor), I hope he and his family will stay strong and not allow the outside world to touch their most precious commodity - each other.

One last time - AWESOME MOVIE! Y'all need to go see it. :-)

Malibu and Paul Walker

No, I'm not going there. In fact, come to think about it, I've actually never been there and I lived in CA most of my life. But I did just return from Malibu Grill, a restaurant here in Bloomington. One of the sales reps I work for took me out for lunch. It was nice. We got to know each other and came to realize that our lives parallel in many ways. She is from Southern Indiana and ended up working in San Francisco for a few years. Like myself, she longed to return to her home of Indiana and the Midwest (well, technically, I longed to get out of CA but you can see the similarity in it). She loved going to Monterey; also a great love of mine. She's the surprising rebel of her family, too - just like me. We're easy going and good women but have always longed to fly the coop, as it were. Sorry, I live in Indiana now so my lingo is much more country. :-) And this is only a blog; I don't have to be grammatically correct if I don't want to. :-) So, it was very nice to find so many similar experiences with a new friend. :-)

The other two exciting things right now for me are so minimal but have made this day so easy to live in. The first is that I just bought the Backstreet Boys new CD, "Never Gone." It's awesome! Their vocals are so much more mature and the musicality is at a much higher level. It's definitely not cookie cutter pop like some of the previous albums were (I say some because not all of their previous four CD's were this way; I thought Black and Blue was a nice break from the previous two CD's). But Never Gone is so great because each song is different and holds its own; and yet they work together nicely as one CD. Kudos, guys! I'm a bigger fan than ever. :-) I can't wait till work is over so I can listen to it again.

The other exciting thing is that Batman Begins comes out tonight. Christian Bale is my favorite actor; I've even seen movies he's made that I should never have seen because of their graphic content - namely American Psycho. He did a great job in that movie but that wasn't a movie for me at all. It still creeps me out. Anyway, I've also been a big fan of the Batman films. Though I still think that Michael Keaton was the best Batman to date (even with Batman Returns on his resume), I've enjoyed all the Batman movies, including all the villians (minus the Penguin) and the atmosphere of each movie. I'm even more excited for this one because Christian is in it and I think he can bring the respect back that some people (namely critics) have taken away from it - and he's hot.

Speaking of hot actors, there is one that just gets me every time he is on the screen: Paul Walker. As a Christian girl, I continually have to thank the Good Lord for making such a fine man and move on. But it is very hard sometimes to stop those unholy thought processes. I've even watched some bad movies because he was in them. But, to his credit, the reason why they were bad was not because of his acting. Sometimes the writing is to blame; and that's hard to say coming from someone who wants to be a writer. Don't think too bad of me and my thoughts, though. It isn't as if we do bad things in my thoughts; it's just that lust is lust no matter what is involved. And to think about a guy for extended periods of time who is not your significant other is being lustful (even if you don't have one at the time, which is my current situation). So, of late, I've said many a prayer for the specific purpose of stopping my lustful thoughts and in each one I've thanked the Lord for making such a fine-looking man. You see, it's okay to look but that's it. To dwell upon something like this is not a good thing; and it isn't healthy. :-) But I had to be honest and I had to say something about my recent "sinfulness." Maybe now I can stop thinking so much about him - and I think staying away from MTV would help. They keep playing the movie awards over and over, and the only thing I really watch in them is who was voted best kiss - this year, he happened to be one of the presenters for Best Kiss. Let's put it this way, I've purposely watched the whole thing to know where in the show this award comes so I can watch it during reruns. Yeah, sad, I know. I'm honest. I know it's pathetic; he's just so good looking. :-)

And he reminds me of the things that I do miss about CA: the beach and the mountains...and the weather. The great thing about the Midwest is that you actually have all 4 seasons. Count them...1, 2, 3, 4 seasons. Not 1 1/2. It's so pretty here; but I could definitely do without the thunderstorms, as you well know. I want to take a long weekend in the next month to go to the beach in Monterey but with the long flight and my work schedule, it wouldn't even be worth the cost - to me. To a rich person, maybe. To me, it's too costly - especially since right now I don't have any money to spend on vacation. Just on bills, the Backstreet Boys and Batman. :-) Guess I need to light my ocean water-scented Yankee candle tonight, huh? I can at least similate the beach. :-)

Day 8: Then end of my first official week

It's official! I have completed my first full week at my new, albeit temporary, job. It was a crazy day, too! But with deadlines, it makes the time go much quicker. I stayed through lunch and can go home, I htink. However, my supervisor isn't here and I'm not sure if the 9-5 thing is literal; I do know that I'm supposed to only work for 7 hours. So I'm not sure what to do; I decided to write on my blog instead.

It stormed here an hour ago pretty good. But it's light rain now and looks like there aren't too many more storms coming through. At least, I hope there isn't. I want to go home and relax. I had plans to go out but I really need to be inside working on my story and going over my finances. I need to sleep tonight; and even though I know that I'll be okay, I just couldn't get it out of my head last night so I barely slept. So once I get those two "headaches" out of the way, I'll feel much better. In fact, the idea of going to the farmer's market tomorrow is so much more appealing. I am so craving fresh veggies! Of course, that could be because I'm dying to use my grill and I love grilling vegetables for sandwiches or as sides to other grilled dishes. :-)

So, though today was crazy, it was fun. Now, I am so excited for the weekend. I want to do lots of fun stuff and just relax. And I can't wait until I start swimming again. I just have to sign up for the next membership at the Y when my mom can come with me; we're going to go in together on it since I'm moving in with her and my stepdad in a month. I'll have my own little apartment in the basement and save money (and pay down debts). Then, in a year, I hope to have my own place (will still probably have to rent for awhile; one year isn't long enough to get out of debt but enough to pay it down) and a full-time job. I just don't know if that's going to be in Bloomington or not. Only God knows that and he isn't giving it up. :-)

End of day 7

It's the end of my seventh day at my new job. Things are going well. I even got my first paycheck today; it's only 3 days worth though since the pay period ended last Friday. I get paid every other Thursday, so my first full check will be two weeks from today. :-)

The great thing about this job is that I am busy and it's fairly simple to do. Yes, there's a lot of deadlines but it's very strict so clients can't be late. Totally different than at the church. Nobody every acknowledged the deadlines. It was very hard. I know that Emily is now experiencing that headache. But, at times, I really feel that they never utilized me very well so that I wasn't able to apply all my knowledge. Instead, they gave it to someone else and used me in a way that didn't cater to my strengths but my weaknesses. It's no wonder I ended up hating my job. Working here (though it's in advertising), I realize that I am good at what I went to school for. I know now that I would've done much better if I were given the opportunity to really prove myself; I never got that. I was just the "coordinator" and never trusted to use my skills. I mean, I had four or five meetings with our personnel director explaining to him all the things that needed to be done but without given any authority, I couldn't do them. He seemed to be behind me but if he was, my other two employers weren't enough to take his advice. Anyway, I'm feeling much better about myself and my skills; what I've been taught. I mean, I've been in journalism since 10th grade and I studied it for 4 of the 5 1/2 years that I was in college. I need to trust my instincts and my knowledge. If you think about it, they actually lost a good source to take them to the next level. But, then again, Jason always wanted to that himself so I never had a chance really. Oh well. I didn't want to work there much longer anyway. I just can now see that I'm more valuable than I give myself credit for.

Anywho, I don't think this ad is going to get to me soon so I might as well go home. It will have to wait until tomorrow (it's an important one so I was trying to wait to get it and send the proof out tonight but I'm half an hour past when I'm supposed to leave so I can't really stay any longer). See ya! :-)

New job, new outlook, new life

Have you ever wondered why you are where you are? I have...and it's frustrating so I'm not going to do it anymore. Why? Because I will never truly know. I just need to know that I'm there...where I am right now. I don't have to know why. If I did, I may not want to be here because I'm human and can't see truly through God's eyes; it's why I need faith. And right now I have a lot of that to go around.

I like my new job; it's busy, the people are fun, and it's interesting. Do I want to do this forever? No. I know that for sure. Do I want to be here longer than 2-5 months? Probably not. Do I like it? Yes. Again, it's constantly moving, keeping me interested and busy, and I love the people I'm working with. It's about to get crazy, too, since we're up against some deadlines, but I like crazy - just not everyday crazy. :-)

And can you believe that I've made a few more decisions? Yes, actual decisions have been made by me! I can't believe it either. Anywho, the first of which is that I'm not going to worry about painting walls or the like at my parents. It's too much pressure in the next four weeks. I have to continue looking for full-time jobs and deciding on the right color to paint the wall, for me, would take at least two weeks - let alone actually getting it painted before I move in. So that's decision one (thanks, friend, for helping me with this decision). :-)

Decision Two is that I'm going to look for a job for the next year here around Bloomington. My top priority is getting myself more stable in as many ways as possible. I fully realize that I can't get completely stable, but I can help my situation reach the next level towards stability. In order to do that I need to stay where I'm at and work at it where I'm at. :-) It makes life so much easier when you can work out your problems in the same place; moving them somewhere else (let's say another city or state) doesn't fix them; they just move with you.

So, Bloomington, I'm here for at least another year so be prepared. :-) Of course, there is that small chance that the DREAM OPPORTUNITY could fall in my lap but, with my luck, I'm not holding my breath. :-)

I'll just be super happy if I can pay down my debt by at least a 1/3 (preferably by 1/2) and have a good sum of money in my savings by July 2006. This is my goal; and to take a one week vacation to London to visit my friend Leslie in July 2006. That's it. And, if I think about it, it's a lot but I can do it. I have the support system to do it. :-)

Here I go again...:-)

I don't know where I'm goin' but I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Just another heart in need of rescue waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Recognize this? It's the lyrics to a favorite song of mine (and a lot of others). I heard it today on the radio and I realized that this is where I'm at. I researched a bit on my family today and the islands that we're from in the Azores. I want to go to visit for a couple days on each one. But I know why my family did not stay. It isn't a place that you can live well for long. They came here to America to find success and easier way of living. And I think my family has become extremely successful in this aspect. But the Azores islands are also known for their beauty; and one of the islands that my family is from is a huge tourist destination: Faial. San Jorge is not far behind it in tourism. I'd like to see both and stand on land that my ancestors once stood. I would also like to experience the mainland. But when am I to do all these things? Is it now? In the next year? Can I get out of debt completely by next Summer? It just doesn't seem possible. I have, including my student loans and my car and current medical bills for my back, over $30,000 in debt. How can I make that much "extra" money by June or July 2006? I would also need to have ample money in order to travel to all these places (my list includes more than just Portugal; another major desire is to visit my friend Leslie in London, and travel to France, Italy; even places in this country like Boston, NYC, Philadelphia - the original city of our government). Is this something that I can do over my life-time, maybe beginning with my honeymoon (which is awhile away being that I haven't found a suitable guy in order to even consider dating yet)? Or should my focus be to work as much as I can for the next months and start my travels now (well, I'd be 30 by next summer)? Will there be a future job that allows me to travel a lot? I have so many questions and so few answers. But some prayers have been answered; and the questions that I have are new ones.

Life is exciting, isn't it? Every day is a new day with new possibilities and new opportunities. It's what we make of them that shapes our lives and our experiences. Hopefully, I have done so mostly because I have kept my faith in God and have followed His will. I will have been successful, if I have done so.

Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

What was I worried about?

To know a little bit about me, you need to know that I'm character-driven. When I watch a movie or read a book, I latch onto character. It has been so with Star Wars Episodes 1-3. I did not want to go to see the third installment. I liked Anakin too much - and I was mad at George Lucas for making him so likable. I did not want to see him turn to the dark side even though I know he is redeemed three movies later. Okay, so now you know. I'm a closet Star Wars fan. I have the re-mastered trilogy and decided to wait until the release of Episode 3 to buy the other three, hoping that they'll bring it back in a trilogy, also. Although, I'm beginning to wonder if they'll just put all six together. Anyway, I've hidden myself by not collecting anything about Star Wars. I adore the story and the movies but I don't want to be linked to people who actually dress up to watch the movie. I think those people are fine; I have nothing against them except for the fact that my life is more than Star Wars. Though, I adore the story.

So I fretted and fretted and fretted on if I should actually see "Revenge of the Sith." George Lucas made me like Anakin. So, giving in, I decided to go right after work - straight to the theatre to watch it on my own. Otherwise, I'd continue to debate myself. I opened my mind and let George Lucas redeem himself; and he did. I came to hate Anakin. Even more so Darth Vader. And it were two things that turned me (SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET): Anakin killing the younglings and him taking Padme by the throught, almost killing her, his love - the whole reason for him turning was to save her from her supposed death. At that point, I was ready for Obi Wan to kick his butt. Seriously - I had no loyalty to Anakin by that point. He was evil, completely. And even when he asked the Emperor about Padme, the only thing I felt was sorry for him. He was blinded and gone.

This morning, I had another thought. I had to watch Episode 6 (just a few scenes). I watched the one where Luke rescues the gang from Jabba the Hut (that's just a great scene); Luke's last encounter with Yoda where he finds out about Leia; and the final battle sequences as he's fighting his father and the Emperor, and the rebel fleet is fighting the Empire fleet. Through it all, he still believed his father was good. He saw his good side. He saw good in something that was completely evil. And he was right. Isn't that what God wants us to do with others? See the good in them and fight for it? I don't know if George Lucas believes in God or not but He does exist. And He is good. And He wants good for others; and for us to see the good in others. I know it's cliche - using a movie to rationalize a point - but it's hard not to see the parallels. In our own lives, we go through hills and valleys at the same time. There's always something good with something bad and vice versa. Sometimes the bad has to come for the good to come. It's how life works; how it always has work. We can only have faith and keep our hope in each other. I lose sight of this a lot. I think of petty things and concern myself with them. Case in point: I argued with myself on if I should or shouldn't go see this movie. I spent precious time - no, I wasted precious time trying to decide on something so menial. We need entertainment, a break from reality sometimes, but it shouldn't consume our lives. I let it consume mine for several days. And it shouldn't have. We all have our likes and dislikes in life. I love to go to movies, to read a good story; as I said, I'm character-driven. But it shouldn't consume me so uch that my life centers around it.

And, then, if I really think about it and am honest with myself, my life may supposed to be character-driven. I want to be a writer and I want my stories, characters to mean something; I want people to identify and be comforted with them; as I have with others. But I've been too into others that I'm wasting my gift, and the time I have on this earth to pursue that goal; a goal that God may have for me. I will soon see in the future. So on one hand I'm a hypocrite and on the other hand I'm being lazy.

What was I so worried about in the first place? It's a story I knew the end to. My stories, well, I don't know the end yet. But it's high time I found out.

Lime and reason

Yes - I'm obsessed with Pepsi Lime. I love it. But this isn't the first time I've had it. Two years ago, when I was in Honduras on a mission trip, I tasted it for the first time. I wondered why they had it there and not in the States. I thought that we'd soon get it there. I fell in love with it then; but my love was made into heartbreak. It wasn't there when we got back. In fact, they came out with Lemon Pepsi. Yuck! I have nothing against the lemon as a fruit but in soda it sucks. In water and tea, it sucks. In pies, it's marvelous! But to ruin my Pepsi - I would have none of that! And then, my rival, Coke, came out with Diet Lime Coke. Ugh! Why? Why couldn't Pepsi hav ebeen first here? It so rocks over Coke. But, then again, I'm a sugar-aholic. Coke just doesn't have enough sugar in it. It's so bland. But, recently, my love has found it's way back to me. And now, after many months of just about giving up soda completely, I'm buying it in hordes all over again - because I just have to have this Pepsi lime in my system. It's a moral imperative. :-)

Anyway, today I'm a little excited about my future. Yeah, if I think too much, I realize that just over a week from now I'll be in a new job that makes a lot less than what my bills require. But I'll be okay. I'm excited for my future. I know that there are good things and bad things along the way but I also know that God doesn't want me to sit on my laurels and watch them happen. He needs me to be me and get out there. He has given me so many gifts; 29 is just the tip of the iceburg for me. I had a good lunch yesterday with Alisa and Jen. We went to this new place after church and I found myself writing a story in my head; taking a mental note of the three of us and our lives, as if we were sisters sitting in a cafe in Paris, not where we actually were - a cafe in downtown Bloomington, Indiana, USA. it was neat to see what I did. To realize to myself of how stories, people and their lives interest me. At that moment, I realized who I really was and that all those years of saying, "I could never do that," was a total lie. I could totally do it. I really, really could. And you probably would like to know what I mean by all this. Sometimes, I forget to be specific with stuff because my brain goes so fast that my fingers can't catch up - even if I'm typing. :-) That's why I double and triple-check my e-mails before I send them. Yeah, I know - a little pathetic but I hate sending an e-mail and it reads totally different than what I really meant; and I can't stand misspelling anything. It's my biggest pet peeve.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent again - and if you know me well, you know that you have to forgive me because I routinely go on tangents - it's how I'm wired. Luckily, I have great friends. :-) Anyhoo, I could see myself traveling the world, sitting in a cafe, people watching, writing what I see or my thoughts at the moment and just taking in the different cultures. What's hindering me? Money. Flying over the ocean. Going to a land where I don't speak the language. The thought of not coming back to see my family. The thought that I'm 29 and want be married someday, which has to happen soon if I want time to have and raise the three kids I want. Seriously, I've always wanted what my step-sister and my brother have: three kids, specifically two boys and one girl. They both have the same thing: my dream family. But I can't even find a man that is worth giving "the rest of my life." And if I do take care of my money problems and find myself in a position, financially, to travel, will I miss him? Will my desire to travel forsake my desire and maybe God's will for my family because I left at the wrong time? And then again, if I don't do it, don't work towards this goal, am I giving up a dream that God has for me? This is a big question: it's about my future and God's will for me. It's something that I know he'll reveal the answer to in time. I just have to keep faith and be patient. A lot can happen in the next two months. I knew things would change for me a lot this year; and they have already. But there's more coming; I can feel it. There could even be a man; but I'm not so sure about who even though there's one that's interested at the moment. I think he's a great guy but I'm not attracted to him. But I don't want to not give him a chance if my problem is me and my short-sightedness. Time will tell and I know that I will make the right decision because all of the decisions I've made in this area before were right. I gave it to God and He led me to the right decision. I know He will do that now.

Oh, bummer. I just finished my Pepsi Lime. I should get back to work. I'm going to write later today; not on my blog but a story no less. I've decided not to write my little story from the other night down on my blog. It's not time - yet. It will be one day; maybe in a collection of stories, or to help me develop a character. It isn't meant for here; and I'm glad I waited to figure that out.

My pettiness is crystal clear

I was just sent this exerpt from a friend of mine. I have to put it on my blog; as a reminder to myself on how petty I am most of the time. I have serious thinking to do; we have serious thinking to do.

In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond, In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillion of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is "my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people...You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for you to own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan - to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, "God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better" ...God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? How can I be so stupid at times? Ugh! Sometimes I can't stand me. Good to know that He still does, regardless of my pettiness. It helps me to sleep at night - when there's not a thunderstorm, of course. :-)

Okay...so I survived the storm.

Hi. I'm still here. I didn't get blown away; my cable and electricity didn't even go out. I don't know why storms scare me so much. I just hate that I am afraid of them. We all have our fears so I'll just have to deal with it.

I wanted to put my story from the other night on my blog. My mind keeps volleying the idea back and forth; I feel like I'm at a tennis match. I don't care so much that it's not that well-written(it was 11 p.m. at night and I was tired); it's just what it says. I think more people know about this blog now and to be so open - in that particular way - is a little scary. And it's something I can use in a future story; exploring the inside of people who feel this way. I know and I'm old enough to handle it now. There's been enough time and enough healing. That's how I feel, at least. I don't know. I think I should read it again. It might take a couple more times. In the meantime, I need to concern myself with Alexis, Will and Lacey - the characters in my current story which I realized too late was due last Monday, not this coming Monday. Oopsy.

Maybe I should move...

We are under a t...watch until 9 p.m. tonight. The other t-word; not thunderstorm, though those come first. I really hate this. It's so scary. I try not to be scared but nothing seems to work. Maybe I should move out of Indiana and back to CA. Maybe I don't belong here. I mean, I haven't been able to get past this fear. It turns me inside out, every time. I try to be calm and keep my mind off of it, but it doesn't work. It's so scary.

I have plans tonight but I don't want to go. I want to stay home, in my basement. But the storms will be here before I go to work. And being here with a lot of people here is more soothing than at home alone - at least, here I'm with people I love.

Change the subject...maybe that will help. :-)

I just read a story online on Eva Longoria and her "connection" to Hayden Christensen (you know, Anakin Skywalker-turned-Darth Vader). Okay, so he's a hottie and she's a hottie but them together - makes my stomach turn. Yuck! Who knows if it's really true but yuck. They don't even seem to match in any way. I don't know; I guess stars just have no parameters on who they date. As long as their "beautiful" and pretty famous at the time, it doesn't matter to them. It seems that Eva doesn't know what she wants and is going after the hot guy at the time. However, I guess it's what "normal" women and men do before they find the right one: date. But it always looks like they make out first and date later. What's that all about? Sounds kinda fishy to me but to each his own, I guess.

No, you know what? I think it's wrong. You should date someone because there's a connection between you that's strong; that could lead to marraige. People date for the fun of it now; well, more so than before. That's not right. Divorce is rampant. People don't make the right decision when it comes to their social life because they don't see it as important. Divorce is seen as okay; and it is not okay. It should be for only the worst of circumstances; not a "well, if it doesn't work out, we can always divorce." This thought comes out of the this rampant "non-chalance" about dating. Eva is gorgeous and I'm sure Hayden would love nothing more than to say he "dated" her (and vice versa for Eva). But if they are dating then I hope it's for reasons that are real - and not publicity-related. It's just icky that way. And, again, who knows if it's even true.

And I shouldn't care much about who dates who in Hollywood; it's kind of a given that lots of yucky things happen there. And though all of us have wanted to be a part of it in some way at some point in our lives - to be famous - I'm glad that I'm not connected in any way (not that I ever could be - I'm not an actress; I ballroom dance great but not great enough; and my stories will probably never be published to the point that people know my name). :-)

Couldn't sleep...

So much was running through my head, and from my eyes. I didn't want to cry myself to sleep so the thought I was having had to be put on paper. I wrote it down. I wrote something down last night. And then I fell asleep, not crying. I also read it when it was finished. It soothed me - which, if you read it, may seem demented of me. But it was only on paper. It was out of my head and wasn't as real anymore. I know that sounds weird but sometimes writing something down releases it from my subconscious and makes it more ordinary. Yes, there are times when I write things down that become more real. But the realness of those stories always serves a good purpose. The stories that I write down and feel a "release" from, are usually something my subconscious is trying to hold me down with. So, without trying to sound demented again, it filled me with ease to see it on paper, and out of my head.

It's scary in a way, too. Because though I'm "over" it, I still have a connection to it that's very real. However, I am beginning to see it as a positive; whereas I was afraid of it before. I'm not so much now. It's become an asset. How, I'm not sure. But it is one. I can talk about it, write about it and think about it now without really ever being concerned that I might do it. I know how it feels; and as I read the words I wrote afterwards, I can see that that reality makes the words real - to everyone, not just myself. People can identify with it; it's not unrealistic. It's real because it really happened to me; maybe not in that exact way but it reflects the reality of my situation from then to now.

In a way, I feel reborn. Not so much a completely different person; but I feel different in a way that I've never felt before. I still have anger and resentment but it's much less than before. And it's much more in a good way than in a bad. I don't blame those within the anger and resentment, just the circumstances that led there. I think that it's good that the anger and resentment is not towards the people anymore but towards that force out there that is evil, controlling those circumstances. But he will never win; because He who is in me is greater than he who is of the world. And he tries really hard; but He has already won.

I want to write my story here but I'm not so sure that I should. Though I know of only one person who actually reads this, the thought of putting this little excerpt on the web for anyone and everyone to see, is hard to fathom. It opens me up to strangers a little too much. But then again, it could help someone. Someone can identify with it and see that things aren't always as bad as they seem. Sometimes we just can't see beyond our own noses and interpret things totally and completely wrong.

I can't decide right now. I don't even have it with me. I will have to wait until later, tomorrow maybe. I don't know.

Oh yeah, the new job...

It isn't great but it will do. It will keep me busy and get a foot in the door. the only reason why I say it isn't great is two things: it's a temporary part-time job (no more than 35 hours a week for a period of 3-5 months) and the pay is only $9 an hour with no benefits. Other than that, it is a step in the right direction: Journalism. I still have to have a second job, part-time; and I still have to keep looking for the full-time, with benefits position that can dove-tail to a good career - one that would get me out of debt and relying totally and completely on myself (well, with God, too, of course) - not my parents or my family or friends in any financial way. That's what I want. I want to be able to pay off my credit cards, move into my own place (buy, not rent) and be able to have a savings plan for the future: my family, my future kids (if that's in God's plan for my life), and my retirement. That's it. That's all I want. I don't want to be famous or have lots and lots of money. Money is nice because everything costs money; but it isn't the only thing. So if I can just have enough to not be indebted to anybody or any institution, then I'll be doing very well.

I want to be able to give to charities and volunteer more easily. Because I have so much debt, I find that it's difficult for me to do that because I have to work to pay my bills. And now, that's going to be so much more important now. How did I get myself into this mess? I know I can get out of it but it's going to take a while and I'm not sure how it's going to happen. Maybe I AM destined to write "The Great American Novel." Who knows? But, then again, I don't want to be a one-hit wonder either. I want to write more than one, if that's myu niche in life. And I want it to touch people; even if my story changes one persons life, it would be all worth it. Boy, have I got a lot of research to do. Both stories I'm working on have possibilities and that really excites me. I just hope that I'm not getting my hopes up; because I love these characters and want people to love them, too.

Well, I better get to it, huh? There's no time like the present. I'm done with work today so I should use this time productively.

New job, still anxious but that could be the thunderstorm that's looming...

Have I told you that I hate thunderstorms? Well, in case I haven't, I do. I really, really do. I've lived here 8 years and though I think at times that I've gotten over them, I really haven't. I can stay calm only so long; and usually only if I'm with a lot of friends around me. Still, even at Bible study the other night, I was very aware of what was going on outside. And really, I don't think it's the thunderstorm itself but the possibility of the damaging wind called tor..... See, I can't even write the word. It scares me so. I know that if it's my time, it's my time. But I also don't want to be stupid. I need to be safe, too. It's just a part of life.

I'm going to be unsettled for the rest of the day. I know that I will make it through the night and the storms but for some reason I still get anxious. I guess it's just one of those things that each of us have, those anxieties, fears. Everyone has them. Even those people who go on "Fear Factor." There's something they are afraid of. Maybe they aren't afraid of what they have to do on the show, but that doesn't mean that "fear isn't a factor for them." Maybe they're afraid of committment, of saying the wrong things. Everyone is afraid of something. And the t-word just happens to be mine.

Woo Hoo!

On a day that finds the first bits of anxiety creeping in, I got some good news - finally. No, it wasn't a prospective employer but it was exciting news all the same. I had been dreading reading an e-mail from a very important person in my life right now. I had thought it would be negative and so I waited to read it until I knew that I absolutely had to: today. But I was pleasantly surprised: she liked it, in her words that she capitalized, A LOT! Yay! It's such good news!

I guess I should explain who this person is, huh? She's my writing instructor. I turned in my last assignment in late March and received her response pretty quickly. But once I looked at the article and her notes, I didn't want to look into the letter she sent (they are sent with every corrected article with further details of their instruction). I read the letter for the first time this morning. She loved my story idea, the characters and the way I wrote it; she just didn't like where I started it. Whew! I thought that she had hated everything. But she actually wrote that she couldn't wait to read the finished product. How cool is that? :-)

I keep dissing myself and my talent. I have a friend who is really gifted and even she's had trouble getting her stories published. I figured that since I know I'm not as good as her that there was no way, even with completing this class, that I would ever be published. I thought that I had tried really hard but failed with my last assignment. But that isn't true; it's just my insecurity getting the better of me.

So though I haven't had anybody call wanting to bring me in for an interview yet, this is good. I'm inspired to write this story; to be patient with God's will; to be proactive and positive in everything I do; and to give myself the credit that's due.

Funny, the last statement from my previous post has just been proven. God uses people you wouldn't of guessed He would in your wildest dreams. :-)

A little anxious...

I'm trying not to be but I am getting a little anxious. It's never taken this long for me to hear from possible employers, especially for the ones that require you to e-mail your resume. The majority of jobs I've found have wanted resumes and cover letters e-mailed to them. I have sent in between 15-20 resumes in the past week and none have responded. Some say it's too early; but others say that for the ones that were advertising for an immediate opening and that I qualify for, I should have heard something by now. That unsettles me. I want to have a job by June. I don't want to go into June having to take the time I have "off" to find a job. I don't have that luxury. I'm still doing Mary Kay and I will help Barbara part-time at the studio but that won't give me what I need to get out of debt, pay my bills and my car payments. I am calm mostly still but the anxiety is inching up. It's there, simmering. I don't want it to do any more than that. I keep praying and staying positive. It's hard - but I know that if I didn't have my credit cards to deal with, I would be even calmer. It's those things that are making me anxious. The other bills I can deal with. The credit cards are too out of control; I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO FIND A JOB BY JUNE 1. There is no if's, and's or but's about it. Somebody just has to want me and see that I am a good worker and that I can be great at certain jobs; but that may require them taking a chance because a lot of things I'm great at I've not actually had a job in. I'm hoping that I find this person/company soon. Until then, I'll keep applying to everywhere in town and out of town. :-)

Can you spell C-H-A-N-G-E?

Where to start? I guess I'll begin with my job situation; I resigned Monday from my position. Yeah, it was hard but it was mutual. This seems to be my favorite new word: mutual. I'm not so sure that all the parties will know how mutual it is (or was) but it's good that everyone is in agreement and is on fairly good terms. There's also been other shake-ups but I'm not allowed to speak about those openly yet - so I won't. :-)

I am looking for jobs right now; I even applied to ESPN. Yeah, that was a total off-the-wall application; I would love to work there somehow but I have no experience so I don't know if they'll even look at my resume seriously at all. I'm assuming they won't. But at least my name is out there - maybe for later. I have to do more applications today but so far I haven't even gotten a response from anyone I've already applied to - even the "immediate" openings ones; I usually don't have to wait this long. So, I'm getting slightly anxious. But, it is early and it may take a week for some businesses to even start to look at resumes submitted. I just have to exercise extreme patience.

I also have one other very large decision to make because of all of this - and that is my living situation. After asking my real estate management company a barrage of questions, I have come to see that the best deal for me may not be the best deal for my roommate. I'm taking hte rest of the week to think it over; in and out, upside down and around. Before I make a decision, I have to make sure I've looked at every option and can easily stand by what I decide - even if there is opposition. It will just depend on what I think is best for me right now and if that decision is not best for someone else.

And I'm dealing with the fact that I 'm disappointed in a few "friends" who haven't even talked to me about my situation; friends that are close. I'm trying to figure out how to handle that and have come to the conclusion that I can't care about that. I have something more important to do - and that is find a job so I can pay my bills. And I have to keep Christ in the center of all of it; I can't have these negative feelings towards friends if I don't know what is going on in their lives. But I can be thankful for the friends that have e-mailed me everyday (or called me) to encourage me or give me info about those jobs. Right now, God has put them in my life to help me. I can't wait until I can return the favor. :-) They don't know how much they are helping.

I have learned that everyone needs to do certain things on their own; however, that doesn't mean they don't need encouragement and a friendly face once in awhile. A hug from a friend or a short telephone call for encouragement can help someone get the lift they need to press on and not give up. And I've had that from others so I need to quit complaining and realize that God really does work in mysterious ways; and with people we would never guess.

Wrong decision or regret?

I am fighting inside a gut-wrenching war - against myself. I don't know which end is up and what decisions are right. I feel guilty for letting people down; but it was the right decision to make, right? So why am I crying so much and why does it hurt so much? Why does everything today look completely opposite from yesterday? Am I feeling regret? Was it the wrong decision to make? Or am I just lacking enough confidence in myself?

Only one thing is really clear: I miss it - a lot. Dancing. It gets harder and harder every time the subject comes up. It's like my insides are being torn apart to the point that it makes me physically nauseous at times. Why can't I just forget about it, leave it alone? I can't do it anymore - not like I could before, not up to my standards. Physically, I'm still injured and always will be injured. It's not an injury that can be fixed; can get back to 100%. There are studies to show it; I can get back to 80, maybe 90% but that's as far as anyone has ever gotten. And that isn't enough to be able to do what I did. I was good, too. Maybe not the best or the greatest but definitely gifted. I was always a klutz at home but could find some kind of gracefulness on the dance floor. It was so much easier to dance than it was to walk.

I love it so much but I've asked God to take it away. I can't love something this much and be tortured the rest of my life because I can't do it. It's that upsetting to me. There are really some nights that I cry myself to sleep at night because of it. My former colleagues and students frequently ask me back to the studio but I rarely go. I probably average about 4-6 times a year. It's that hard. And each time I go, it gets harder to leave. But I have to because I cannot do it like before. Dancing is the one thing that I have to be perfect at while I'm doing it; nothing else really matters in that way to me. Though I desire to have a family and that sort of life, not having that right now is okay. Not being able to dance, that isn't so okay. It's torture.

Last week, I had some discomfort in my back (my injury). I didn't do much physical stuff at all and I was paying attention to how I walked, sat, bent down, etc. My back wasn't hurting because of those physical things; it was hurting because of stress. There is just so much going on that I could barely breathe or find the time to even sit down and eat a meal. And it's only going to continue for the next couple weeks; even without the addition of the activity I gave up. I can't dance if my back is out. I can't leave the people who are depending on me in a lurch; no matter what it is. And this would kill me in this situation. Plus, there are less than three weeks until the event; and still no word on when we're supposed to get together. I can't just learn something that I've never done in one rehearsal and remember it well enough to perform in front of 3,000 people. It's not how I work. And, I'm already busy with another ministry that I wouldn't have time to go to rehearsals.

But this morning I found myself in tears. I was so upset and so affected by some scriptures that were read at the end of staff devotions this morning. The lesson I got from them was that I'm not trusting God to take care of everything - including this. I'm not trusting Him to see me through this; instead I'm worrying about stressing so much that I'll end up injuring myself even more. And then, a thought came to me: Though my back was worse then than it is now, I was still able to dance on stage for Face 2 Face last May. I gave it my all and gave it all for Him. I trusted Him; and I really believed that the people who prayed over me were powerful. Not because of themselves but because they were praying in the name of the Lord. I believed that he would heal me enough to get through the performance.

I don't feel that now; I'm not believing that. Why? Why can't I just let God heal me again? Provide healing through the stress that is to come. I want to do it; I really, really do. But I decided, after how I felt last weekend, that I had to say no. It's too soon and it's too soon. I wasn't asked in time and I'm not as well as I thought. But is that all me talking? Or is that God telling me to be careful and patient - that this isn't the right time to try again?

But the scriptures were so real and so penetrating. So should I say yes, again, and hope to get through it? Or do I say no still - remembering that we had some great rehearsals for F2F so by the time the day of the event came it was clearly Satan trying to make me not go through with it; I knew it all by heart by then; and I've never been a lyrical dancer so how am I to learn a dance that is so foreign to me in so short a time? Amanda is amazing; she is so talented and skilled. I don't feel very worthy to be dancing with her, around her or for her. I respect her and her gift that much.

But am I still putting God in a little box? Does He need me to use what little gift I have left for His kingdom? Am I really fighting Him - and not myself? To some, this whole situation may seem trivial. But put yourself in my shoes - what is it that you truly love, adore and feel the most alive doing? Now think about how you would feel if it was all taken away - and that it was because you made a mistake, not anyone else, that it was taken away? My injury is my fault - totally and completely. I live with that everyday. I tell myself, "You can't blame anyone but yourself. You didn't release your hands in time. You didn't keep your head up. And it was you that panicked, not anyone else." It's a hard reality. And I've tried to close that book in my life. But it keeps opening up: do I slam it shut or is there a reason it keeps opening? I don't have much time to figure it out. I jsut need to lean on my faith again. I know that God will show me through my faith. Maybe something will happen today in our worship staff meeting; maybe they'll ask. Should I point them here? Or should I try to explain it to them, tears and all? I guess I'll know when it's time.

Birthday and Boys

So, I've been a little busy of late. This is my first entry in two months and one day. :-)

Yesterday marked my 29th birthday. Yep, I'm 29 - for the first time. :-) It's become a joke with my friends and I now. It's kinda fun to joke about ages. I still don't look my age but I'm coming to the conclusion that that's a good thing. :-) It was a good day all around. I even had some really good friends come over to celebrate with me. However, one thing came out of one of our conversations that disappointed me about a "friend" not present - and it was, of course, a boy.

You know, boys suck. :-) Why is it that most of the time us women want to be friends with guys that really just suck? Even if we are strictly only wanting to be friends, they still suck.

Case in point, my "so-called" non-present "friend." Apparently, he's been making fun of me behind my back to people that know me. I had to find this out from a mutual friend of ours at my birthday party last night. This is the guy that doesn't acknowledge, accept or give out apologies and will only joke with you if you don't joke with him. I'm starting to feel regret that I ever met the guy! And he's a Christian! But a good (and very wise) friend of mine reminded me that "just being a Christian does not a good guy make...you're also an adult, as is this guy I’m assuming [he's 9 years older], so the whole making fun of someone behind their back and acting like their friend in front of them thing should be something they got over a long time ago... don’t know why we’re always attracted to these kinds of people; I think it’s the innate spirit of a woman to be loving and caring and nurturing, and we are attracted to the people that most need our nurturing…even though they probably ‘deserve’ it even less than most!"

Did I tell you that she was wise? :-) I've learned to get over things lately; so I'll just get over this one. It still is a little hurtful, though. I will just have to accept that these types of people exist and just expect this type of continued behavior from him. It's sad, though. We could've been good friends; and dang the luck - I still don't have anyone to go to games with. It was so nice that he totally accepted me for who I was: a girl who enjoyed to watch sports as much as the guys; and I'm somewhat attractive to boot! So it's not like I look like a guy or anything and he wouldn't want to be seen with me. So, I guess he really doesn't accept me for who I am - unless it's as a punchline.

You know, there are guys out there that love me to go to games with them, platonically. And I know there is that really special guy that is meant to be my soulmate, who will accept me just how I am - sports fanatic and all. I haven't found either one back here yet, apparently. I have to continue to be patient and not let these things deter me any. So, dude, if you're reading this - you've just about lost someone that could've been a good friend to you.


What am I saying? I doubt he'll ever read this. Only a hand full of friends know that this blog exists. :-)

Late start

I haven't posted anything on my blog, as you can see, for 3 months and 22 days. I've been a little busy. A lot of things have happened since then, too. Yeah, it's a new year but I think my new year started way before tradition. All these things I'm about to expunge to this website have nothing to do with new years resolutions - they're just life observances.

First, I'm so glad to have made certain decisions last year that, while I actually made them, I was still doubtful. How can you make a decision that you doubt even while making it? These, it seems, are the only kind I know how to make. Today, I sit before you typing and know that at least one of those was the right decision. Although financially I may be in a bind, it's necessary for me to "grow up" and "move up" from who I am and where I am in life. I'm moving out; no more roommates. It's not that I don't like my roommate; we're both working hard to make sure we continue to be friends after I move out. But there are some differences between us at our life points right now. It isn't fair for either of us to impose upon the other. Compromise is a great thing; until one feels the other is making them do it too much - which I believe is what has started to happen with both of us.

I can't really afford to go it on my own but I have to; it is the only way for me to truly learn to stand on my own once and for all. Make no mistake; I do not want to do so forever. I know that God has given me the desire to have a family, husband and all. But I have to make some "sins" right before that can happen. One of those is pulling myself out of debt. It's high but rather statistical. I am part of the majority of Americans - in debt, that is. But it only takes discipline, desire and patience to fix it. And I have to develop a lot of all of those beginning this year. I fully know that it will take a few years to succeed; I just don't want to wait any longer to start the process.

I have also begun a healthier lifestyle for two reasons: to finally get a handle on my lower back and upper neck injury, and treat my temple as it should be treated. God gave me this body to take care of for a short period of time. I need to treat it as God would. And, it seems, as I have changed what I eat, my body is rejecting the foods that are unhealthy. I can't have a sandwich at a fast food restaurant anymore without getting naucious. That's pretty telling. I'm not a health nut by any means but I have been paying particular attention to the food pyramid and you know what I found out - it works! By golly, it really works! And since I've given up soda pretty much completely, I'm drinking bad drinks way less and water way more. I actually feel better and don't snack as much since doing so. I had a little relapse today though; I was craving protein and flavor so I stopped by Wendy's and ordered a Spicy Chicken Sandwich - my favorite. However, I'm naucious now. All that grease and super spicy stuff isn't good for me and that's what my body is reminding me of at this moment.

I have to stop here and change the subject. There's something that has been bothering me. I haven't been able to see my friends to talk to them about it and I really have to get it off my chest, so here goes:

I was contacted through e-mail from a friend of mine that I haven't seen since the day after he came out of a coma over three years ago. We e-mailed for awhile after he recovered but he kinda stopped responding over a year ago (maybe two years by now). I'm not sure what to make of it. He said, and I quote, "I know we haven't talked in forever but I really valued your friendship and I don't want to lose contact with you." Really? Why now? I e-mailed him back, opening by saying, "I didn't continue to e-mail you because I figured that if you wanted to keep in contact, you'd know how to get a hold of me. I'm always here for my friends, past or present. :-) " And I am - but he hasn't responded back yet. I fear that our friendship, while it was close back then, will never be that way again. And I've had too many friendships fall by the wayside because though I was willing to "be a friend to make a friend," they didn't do the same. I don't want to be a doormat - especially to him. We were close. He could talk to me about stuff and I could talk to him. It was one of those guy-girl relationships that didn't have to be romantic to work. At one point, we both felt that way but it was obvious that our relationship wasn't going that way. For one thing, I was not interested in being with someone that didn't totally and completely know where he stood with God; and for two, he got in a bad car accident and almost died. Like I said, I haven't actually seen him since the day he woke up from his coma - 13 days after his initial accident. That was a big sign. But I miss him; I miss our friendship and just the person who he is; I like being around him, as most people did and probably still do. But I don't want to be dragged through an e-mail relationship like the one we had after his accident. It's too hard. It would be hard if he just stopped responding again, like maybe he already has. I know he's a boy and that's just how they are. But I look at friends differently; especially ones that I was close with or am close to. And he was one of those so I expect more than just an e-mail every couple months or couple years saying "I valued your friendship and don't want to lose contact." Hasn't that already happened?

I'm trying not to be harsh in my decisions but life has been harsh to me lately. And a friend not really connecting back to me really isn't very helpful. I don't know; maybe I'm just thinking to much. I'm just scared that this person that I truly loved is still able to hurt me - and I don't want that to happen again. I've lost too many friendships in my life for me to allow it to continue - and this one would be hard to lose - again.

Okay, so now that that's off my chest, I feel a little better. But I know I won't feel completely better until I take it to God. I really need to pray about it seriously. What if he's reaching out to me because I'm the only one that can help him or that he can trust? I don't want to miss the opportunity to help anyone - including and especially him. He didn't say anything about himself so maybe he was just feeling me out, making sure that he can still trust me. I hope my e-mail to him reassures him of my friendship; even with my doubts that its really the start of a new friendship. So many times things like this have happened and gone nowhere. Honestly, the telephone is so much better than e-mail. Typed words are so unpersonal. Real friends, I'm starting to believe, stay friends because they talk to each other over the phone or make a point to spend time with each other. That's the kind of friend that I want to be and that I hope my friends want to be, too.

Okay, well, I really have to stop now because I have to finish my work so I can get to the Chiropractor's office.