End Begin

Do you ever just want to start over? Just throw in the towel, move away and start in a new place, where nobody knows you and you have a different job? Like the anti-Cheers version of life.

That's how I feel right now. How is it that I even have friends? I mean, I don't set out to ruin friendships and relationships, it just somehow happens. The problem is that I kinda like the real me. I mean, I don't keep things to myself - granted that I don't always go about it the right way but sometimes you can't see what the right way is until you use the wrong way. That's how we learn.

I also am taking some risks with my life and pursuing goals. I may fall completely flat on my face but at least I will have no regrets. I may not have a lot of money but what I do have is spent on things that I need or things that will help out others. For example, all the parties I do are fun for me but they are only fun because my friends enjoy them and I feel like I've been able to serve them in a good way. I dislike having people come over and them having to work. I want them to eat off of real dishes, have a nice meal that's been prepared just for them, to not have to clean up after themselves and to enjoy each others company. It's my gift to them. But it's also their gift to me; because I enjoy throwing those kind of parties. It's a win-win. If I have $100 to spend on groceries, I'd always rather spend it on groceries for a dinner party than just for myself. Of course, that will change when I have my own family but as a single young professional, that's how I feel. This is only one example of what I like to do with the little money I do have.

Pretty much everyone I know knows me in and out for the most part. They know my flaws, my perfections (the few I have) and my insecurities. Most respect them because they know I mean no harm and am trying. Others can't accept them and that's okay. But it hurts that though I'm trying, I know there will be friends that end up non-friends. You can't please everybody no matter how hard you try because you'll always have moments in your life that will disappoint them. It's up to you to do better next time and for them to forgive you at some point. Plus, you have to forgive yourself for everything you do. You are your worst critic. It's much harder to forgive yourself sometimes than others. But you need to do it. Don't forget what you did; learn from it and move on.

So, New Year's Resolution number 4 for me is: Learn the fact that everybody you meet is not going to like you, no matter what you do. Accept it and move on. We're all created different for a reason.

Let's recap. So far I have 4 New Year's Resolutions. They are:

1) Learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands because I made them that way.
2) Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.
3) Back off a little; try not to be so selfish and assuming no matter what the situation is.
4) Accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me and move on. Don't cry over spilt milk.

Tall order, you think? It may be tall but it has to happen. Though I can't be perfect, I can be a better person than I am at this moment. We all can be better. We just have to come out of our self-imposed denial and accept that we aren't perfect. However, He has shown us how to strive for perfection and that's a goal worth reaching.

Christmas & New Year's Letter

Being that I found out today that a few more people read my blog than I originally thought, I will be publishing my Christmas/New Year's letter as soon as I get home tonight. I usually send a letter at least once a year around Spring to my family and friends in California, Oregon and elsewhere outside of Indiana. I didn't get to this year so instead of Christmas cards, I send my annual letter (on cute snowman paper, no less). :-)

Okay, so this day will not end. I'm about ready to step outside this building and give the most blood-curdling scream I've ever done! Work is back and forth; I can't seem to please any of my friends in any way (I'm about ready to shut off my cell phone but I can't because I'm waiting for one more call) and I have to work at the studio - including going home, getting the dog and his play pen and setting it up in the studio for him to stay during my lessons in a period of 75 minutes - and the studio will have more fresh paint. Though, that is mainly a good thing. ;-)

But I think, after today, I can breathe slightly. At least, I can once I know my parents are safely in California. Yeah, their flight was overbooked; lucky for them, they get two $400 vouchers and fly first class tomorrow morning. However, they chose to stay in Indy instead of driving back. So, I still have to rush all day caring for the dog and working two jobs. Dinner? Only if I'm lucky. I barely ate lunch. And I still will be on edge because yesterday mom and I had an account put into my name "in case something happens to them." I know things will be fine but I just can't shake that thought until they are safely on the ground 2,000 miles west of me.

I so am convinced and now completely determined to find one full-time job with benefits in the next few months. I need some sort of job security to push down my stress level. And having a significant other would be nice, too. There has to be someone out there that likes me that I like back the same way. It would so help me right now. Of course, it won't happen before New Year's but maybe, just maybe before the end of January? Is that okay to ask, Lord? But whatever Your Will is is best - I know that. It's just hard sometimes to be in this head. There are just times I want out! But just for a moment of peace; I wouldn't be me if I was unstressed and unorganized for too long - as y'all know. ;-)

Twenty Year Itch...30 Year Itch

Twenty Year Itch

She knew me twenty years
Put up with my adventurous roving
Through dusty, dry destinations,
Cracked surface made by anger from below,
To lush, glorious green gardens, touched
By the hand of God
Kept alive by outpouring of joy
From above

Family vacations, school trips
Weekends to nowhere
She cuddled me, cooed me like her infant
Loved me with concrete arms stretched
Like rubber bands
Where was born safety
Death no option, for this child

Twenty years hand in hand
We lived
Till parting
Sweet sorrow one last goodbye
To a mother who took me places
Let me abuse her with revolving rubber
Tears welled but mystery lay beyond
Eastward
No looking back
Concrete arms ended and new began
As I crossed over into Nevada

This wasn't my first poem but it was one of the better ones (exactly, not a poet am I?). Wanting to be a writer doesn't mean that I'm always a good one; it means that I'm trying and that I have a goal, a desire. And that's also what I'm doing in other parts of my life. Apparently, not very well, either. No matter how hard I try, I always end up the bad guy or the one who has "misinterpreted/misunderstood" the situation. I'm at a loss as to how this always happens. What is it that is wrong with me? How is it that I'm always the one that needs to apologize? Am I that bad of a listener and jump to conclusions too quickly? Is it always my fault? I'm so careful to try and respect everyone's wishes and to give over my wants for others. For the last year and a half, however, I've tried to not cater to everyone else's whims because it only made me feel worse and worse to have to go along with what everyone else wanted and not do anything that I really wanted. Maybe I have gone too far the other way. That has to be it. I just want too much now. So now, for my New Year's Resolution, I'll try to back off a little. I just don't want to fall back to where I used to be because that was no fun and far too depressing.

I promised myself that I wouldn't be that way again. Yes, I still have bad days here and there but they are less than they used to be - and that's partly attributed to me paying attention to not being taken advantage of so much. If there's really something I want to do, I do it; instead of giving over to everyone else's desires all the time.

And when those bad days happen, I am strong enough to call people and let them know that I'm feeling bad and need help. It has been helping. It's also been helping that I'm getting rid of things in my life that I don't need (bad-for-me-and-everyone-else food, material things, clothes that are too big or too small - basically all the clutter in my life). I'm saving money, re-arranging my priorities and talking to my family more often, too. I've taken care of issues that needed to have closure and doing things that interest me (like working football and basketball games at IU). I need to also be talking to my friends more often over the phone instead of e-mail. However, that's kinda hard when your schedule is so different than their's that the only time you have to call and talk is when they're already in bed.

E-mail can be a life-saver at times but, mostly, it has the ability to complicate your life further. You just can't say what you need to appropriately in an e-mail. Even when you're careful, it still comes across not exactly how you wanted. However, it doesn't matter if I say it or write it, it always ends the same way: with me apologizing for misterpreting. It's never the other way around even when it should be. There was a time a couple years ago when a new friend of mine and I had a brief encounter at a party. This person was joking around with the rest of us but chose to take offense at my comment, which wasn't any different than what he was saying to everyone else. In fact, he was alienating every woman in the room. He looked me straight in the eye and said something to hurt me; he really wasn't joking. I covered my hurt by saying something back that wasn't directed at him specifically and was a "safe" comment. The conversation ended there and went a different direction. I realized that maybe my comment had hit a nerve no one knew about (and I definitely wouldn't have because I didn't know him very well yet) so I decided to apologize and explain why I was apologizing; even though it wasn't malicious and was all part of our joking repertoire at the time. I let him know that I came to this conclusion because it was obvious to everyone that he meant to hurt me (he did; but I hid that fact) which meant that I inadvertantly hurt him and I was very sorry about that. Well, he never even acknowledged my apology. He didn't write me back or call me or say anything about it. And he didn't apologize; when, in fact, he should have been the one to apologize in the first place, not me.

So, you see, I just can't win - ever. I need to learn that and move on. My skin has to get thicker and I have to learn that there are always going to be people in my life that are stronger than me so they'll always win unless I put my foot down when it's the right time to do so. But I never know when that is. I fear that I never will.

Christmas and the Chaos

So, not that anyone really reads this (I don't think most of my friends really care about blogs), but I have a couple things on my mind. First, Christmas was good. My mom had a very, very good Christmas. She got the Christmas dishes she's wanted for the last 15 years; which means that my stepdad and I are finally rid of the guilt and shame we have carried from buying her the wrong ones all those years ago. It's nice to have that burden lifted.

Because her current Christmas dishes were discontinued years ago and I don't have any, I'm buying them from her for a very good price. Now, I have Christmas dishes. Woo Hoo! :-)

I also got a Poker/Blackjack tabletop for Christmas. I'm hoping to use it on New Year's Eve. We'll see what happens at the party. We don't even know who is going to show up because there is a few other things going on, too - and I kind of went a little too far in some ways. I wouldn't blame people if they didn't want to spend any time with me. But, hopefully, we'll have a good group. And I now have New Year's Resolution Number 1 for myself: learn to keep my mouth shut when things are out of my hands.

On another note, I've left planning my 30th birthday party in the hands of one of my friends (though I'm half-thinking that maybe I don't deserve a 30th birthday party; maybe I should be alone on that day like every New Year's seems to turn out - this would be the first New Year's that I'll spend with friends but I've already alienated one of them so I'm back where I started; I'm not meant to have a stress-free New Year's Eve - ever apparently). I trust her to do something nice (of course, I've also already told her what I absolutely didn't want and some ideas of what might be fun). Other than that, she has four rules to go by: I want as many family and friends there that can come (no limit), my mom to make my cake, lots of Salami and to have fun. That's it. I even gave her permission to joke about turning 30 years old, show embarassing photos of me growing up and to even have a theme birthday. I just want to be with the people I love and have a good time (and for them to have a good time, too). I don't even care about gifts. I'd be more appreciative of people being present than sending a gift.

New Years Resolution #2: Be a person that deserves to have a fun 30th birthday party.

Oh, by the way, my birthday is 83 days away...and counting. :-)

Definition of Definition

Is it bad that I have to look up the definition of the definition of Mirriam-Webster's word of the day? Upon reading further, they did add some thoughts on the word that were more than adequate for me to absorb. However, if they hadn't added that nice paragraph, I'd be looking up also what servile meant so I'd understand exactly what sequacious meant (definition: intellectually servile).

However, this little research led me to discover a new word that I like: glabrous. I'd use it this way: I wish that I had arms as glabrous as my palms. Meaning: I wish I had hairless arms, just like my palms. Our palms never have hair; a fact that I didn't know until now. I feel smarter even if, technically, I may not be smarter. :-)

Sometimes I think that the "smart" people get bored with everyday words and come up with new ones just to frustrate the rest of us. I can visualize the scene: 6-8 people sitting around a poker table, all not too impressed with their hands and not really having that much fun, conversing about how Poker is a treacherous unintelligible game to which they decide to quite and pick up a scrabble board. With a sudden rush of adrenaline at the thought of putting 26 letters together to form what we call "words," they decide to try to one up each other by creating new words not found in the dictionary. The rules also include that you have explain where the word came from (meaning what other words were used to make it up) and that they have to use it in a sentence. I feel that the words with the highest scores were voted in to the next years dictionary as a way to frustrate the rest of us and help them feel even more pompous.

Then again, the rest of us make up words all the time without them knowing. How those get into the dictionary will be a mystery forever. I mean, who ever came up with the word confuzzled?! I have to wonder what the circumstances were for someone to have to find a new word to describe the fact that they were "confused and puzzled" all at the same time. Isn't that the same thing? Americans, go figure. :-)

Frustration...and everything else

Every year it's the same: no date for New Year's. Not that it's really that important, but it would be nice to have a boyfriend so all of these holidays wouldn't be so lonely. I now have a lot of friends who are "attached" in some way. And if they aren't, they still end up having a date on New Year's. I will be home, alone with our dog for New Year's. How pathetic is that?

There is a slight possibility of a New Year's party/Poker Night but I'm not holding my breath. So far, there are only two of us interested. It just would be nice if for once I had a date with a guy that is fun and we have a mutual attraction - even if it's not supposed to last. But that's too much to ask for a girl like me.

It's just really frustrating to keep up this facade that I'm okay with how my life seems like it's going to go: alone. No boyfriend (which means no husband), no kids, no home of my own, etc. I can't even find a proper career. Again, I ask: how pathetic am I?

And it isn't easy to swallow how people (including my own mother) make comments like "You're a beautiful girl. How come you don't have a boyfriend or aren't married?" How in the world am I supposed to answer those questions?! I have no idea! I'm as clueless as everyone else! I'm not saying that I think I'm beautiful but I've come to realize that I'm not as ugly as I once thought: I am decent-looking and I am petite. Still, that seems to not really matter. My personality is pretty fun at times and I'm pretty easy to get along with. I have my flaws (physical and mental) like everyone else but I work hard on being a good person. Again, that doesn't seem to matter either.

Then others keep giving me advice or telling me how I am. "You just need to ask him yourself," "You give out certain vibes when you don't want to be around a guy," "You need to do the internet dating thing," or, my favorite, "You need to be more open to going out with different guys." I nearly scream out loud everytime I hear that one. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE SOMEONE WHO GOES AGAINST EVERY MORAL AND BELIEF I HAVE, PERIOD. And in reference to the former comments: I will not be the pursuer - he needs to pursue me as God says that he should; Of course, I'm going to give out "get away" vibes if it's a creepy guy; I now know for a fact that very, very few internet dates work out (including eharmony.com).

To be honest, I think that it is the men in our generation who have the problem but that we've (women) created that problem. I'm not against feminism but it has gone too far in some areas - especially dating. I have been out with one guy that I remember who would not allow me to open my own door. He was a gentleman in every way. Apparently, some feminists have screwed up the whole idea of chivalry. It's become a bad side effect from the whole movement. In addition to the non-door opening or being courteous, now our men think that we should be pursuing them and/or have become too intimidated to ask us out. I'm sorry, I didn't order that change. It's not supposed to work the other way around. He asks and you accept or you don't, period. Now, even when you're both interested, he won't ask you out because he doesn't want to offend you. And if you ask him, it hurts his pride and you end up not going out because of that.

Guys - you need to stop the insanity! Ask us out or at least get an idea if we're interested and then ask us out. We want to be pursued. We want to feel as if we're the most beautiful girl in the world in your eyes. But most of us aren't supermodels or beautiful actresses. Then again they have as many flaws as the rest of us "normal" girls do - they just have enough money to hide them all. And "normal" girls can give you what others can't, our respect, love and adoration. We'll return what you give to us. Sometimes you don't deserve our love and sometimes we don't deserve yours but that's how you show someone how much you love them - and remind each other that you're on this earth together. It's really that simple. If you love us, we'll love you. And I do believe that there is one person out there for everyone. It's why some of us don't get married to the person we think were meant for us. For some reason, it doesn't feel right - and maybe a few weeks, months or a year later we realize why. We meet someone new; someone who becomes our wife/husband and who we do want to spend the rest of our lives with; who we can't live without (and vice versa).

And don't say that I'm being romantic. I'm being realistic. I'm saying what we all want to say out loud but don't have the guts to - even most men want this. We all want to be in a loving relationship for the rest of our lives. No one really and truly wants to be in mediocre relationships or with "someone who is suitable." We're just too lazy to work at anything. Relationships are work; I don't personally know because I've never been in one but I've seen enough to be convinced of this fact. The ones who work hard, respect each other and really truly love the other - all those relationships work out. But when one of the two throws in the towel early - that's a shame and a calamity. In most cases I've seen, the lazy one always comes running back but it's too late. It's sad, too. They screwed up the best thing in their life because they were either being too selfish or wanted everything handed to them on a silver platter with golden toothpicks and caviar (which is really gross; how could anyone like the stuff just because it's expensive?). Everything is work, people - especially love.

Okay - I'm off my soapbox now. I guess that I'm getting a little nervous. I told my friends and my family that turning 30 isn't going to be a problem for me. But I think I have yet to convince my subconscious. Yeah, maybe I am just a little worried that I'm turning 30 and I've never had a boyfriend/real dating relationship. It would be nice to be kissed for the first time. Yeah, the movie "Never Been Kissed" could have been based on my life (including the journalism degree - I'm not a journalist but I was supposed to be; I just work at the newspaper in advertising instead - a little off the mark but a foot-in-the-door, right?). Unfortunately, I don't have an ending. The rate that I'm going, I won't ever have an ending. I don't even have a beginning.

Relief...

That's what I felt when he walked in. That's all I felt. No butterflies, no super excitement, just relief. And, at this moment (a couple hours after having lunch with him, Barbara and Matt), I'm comfortable and my mind is clear. I know now that we are meant to be friends and that's all.

It's such a big relief; although, I'm back at square one. But at least I have some answers and can move on with my life. I might go visit him but if there happens to be any lingering feelings on his end that I cannot return, that will have to stop right quick.

The problem is that everyone loved him. "He's such a doll!" "What a nice guy!" "He's a neat guy and intelligent." Yes, he is all those things but for some reason the thought of him and I as anything but friends is not appealing. It turns me off. Why? I have no clue. I don't pretend to know or be able to figure it out. And, then it's also comforting to know that there are really good people in this world that you just aren't meant to be with. It happens.

Actually, I'm a little excited now because since this book is the perverbial "closed," a new one is opening. New beginning, new possibilities, new experiences. I know that one day I'll be with a man that the feelings are mutual completely. That'll be the man that God wants me to be with forever. I can't wait to finally meet him. :-)

Just Closure

I just needed closure, that's it. No other feelings. I'm not sure what I expected but I didn't expect what I felt...nothing out of the ordinary. I'm okay with it but it was pretty unexpected with how excited I was to see him.

One of my coworkers put it in perspective for me by using an old saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, that's true but usually when the person returns, there's mutual feelings. It didn't happen in this case - on my end anyway. I'll keep an open mind but unless God changes my heart, we're just good friends.

No more waiting.... :0)

It's finally happened. He called my cell. Yippee! I'm so excited that he's coming. I should return the favor, too. If he wants me to visit, I will find the time to do so, period.

Of course, I can't let him know exactly why I want to see him but we'll catch up at least. And I'll have other guests to consider but it should be a good time. I hope he arrives before the party starts so that we can chat a little before everyone comes.

I'm just really happy that he's coming - no matter what happens afterward.

Tiffany

Caller ID

Sometimes I wonder if Caller ID is a good thing. I mean, it tells you who called but if they didn't leave a message your brain goes into overdrive thinking about why.

Well, my friend called last night (the one I've made the subject of my last two entries) but didn't leave a message - again. Not saying, "Hey, I've been calling. Call me back when you get this if it's at such and such a time...", etc., etc. No, I just see his number on my Caller ID of missed messages.

And I already left him a message that calling my cell phone is much better because I'm never home anymore. Apparently, he never got that message. I guess that I'm just happy that he's tried to get a hold of me. So on one hand I feel stupid for thinking that he wasn't going to call again but on the other I wish he'd be more persistent with getting a hold of me by using the right number.

So, today I'll call him and hopefully we'll actually speak. :-)

Playing the waiting game

I'm starting to get bad at playing the waiting game. I'm tired of thinking about things too much and trying to always be patient. I know that it is a virtue and that it is a good one to have. Sometimes it is difficult to uphold because you get hurt by people not responding to you in the right - or any - way.

Take, for example, my friend who might be coming this weekend for my party. I will make one more call to him to ask if he is coming and just to talk to him and catch up. If he doesn't respond to that call, I have to let this whole friendship go and leave it as it is right now - borderline nonexistent. To be honest, I've tried to let go of all these feelings but every time I honestly try to let go, something has happened to bring them all flooding back. I don't need to have this little nerve ball in the pit of my stomach anymore. I want to see him because I think it will finally give me closure. When you lose a close friend because they were in a really bad accident and the last time you saw them was the day after they miraculously woke up from the coma they were in, it's a little hard to just stop that friendship, those feelings. I know that he moved on. What about the rest of us? What are we supposed to do? More importantly, what am I supposed to do?

Seeing him in that hospital bed the first time was bad enough. The second time was even harder because there was hope. Hope for him to recover - not for him to come back to me. I hadn't realized to that point that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I finally woke up, as it were, while he was sleeping. At least the first time, I knew that at least the feelings were suspended. Now, they are just suffering. I don't think that I am in love with him still but I do love him. I can only really truly know why I feel this way if we speak again in person and be truthful to one another. Although, it is getting pretty obvious that I am clinging to something that isn't real. But it's hard to let go of when there hasn't been any closure and you have the active imagination that I have - it's so hard to turn my brain off at any point, let alone for this. And the knowledge that he had a serious girlfriend for at least 2 years (and probably does now) hasn't seemed to squelch anything. My brain cannot get that message; though my heart knows that it can't keep beating until something is resolved. I think that maybe they are in cahoots. Until one is satisfied, the other won't be.

Another friend told me the other day that she thought I was scared to get that close to someone the first time around. She said that the possibility of doing it differently - meaning the "right way" - the second time around is keeping me from moving on; that maybe I do need to see him personally to finally know what exactly I am feeling: friendship or more than that. Maybe, no matter what happens this weekend (and if we have some sort of communication), I should be the one to visit him and figure this out once and for all. Not necessarily informing him of why I'm there but just to spend time with him as a friend. Nature has a tendency to take its course. By the end of our time together, I could finally have my answer.

And then maybe - just maybe - I can move on with my life. When one door closes, God opens a window. I may be trying to keep that door open. I have to find out how I can allow myself to close it; if that's what God's will is.

Good talk...

A friend of mine called last night and we chatted for awhile. He's one of the leaders in my Tuesday Bible study. He mainly called to ask me about ballroom classes for him and his new friend. However, I, of course, turned it into a conversation about my stuff. I tried not to but I did. I was really tired and he did ask me a few questions. People need to learn not to ask me so many questions; it makes me talk too much and about stuff that they probably don't care about.

Anyhoo, I ended up talking about the musical and then about my party - to which he discerned that my frustration was about a certain guy friend of mine. He said his name just like that. Apparently, I've told more people about this person than I thought. I mean he knew exactly who I was talking about. This person does frustrate me even though I miss him. I think that I just need to see him one more time before I can have closure on anything between us. Who knows? Maybe there is something still there but I highly doubt it. I'm sure he's moved on and has a new girlfriend (or hooked back up with the one he broke up with late last year). Still, I realize that I need closure on the whole thing - otherwise I'll still keep thinking about him and asking myself, "What if?" I'm tired of "what if's?" and not being able to move on. And - I have to move on. I have to be comfortable getting close to somebody. I trusted this guy but for some reason couldn't allow myself to get close to him. I feel like I can now but that's dumb because it would be a long distance relationship and he probably has no feelings other than friendship towards me. Anyway, my phone friend listened to all this like a true friend should. I appreciated that.

Calm after the storm

Aaaahhhh. That's me - breathing again. It turns out that all that stress and busyness and running around paid off handsomely. The Musical went well; the girls did a great job! We all received several compliments - including a special one from Peggy Welch. It was a really good day.

After the musical, Alisa had Jen and I join her for brunch at her place. She made us these wonderful scrambled eggs with mushrooms, sausage, fruit and cinnamon rolls (light Pillsbury). I broke down and had a whole one. It was a small cheat on my new food lifestyle but it didn't ruin it. I can cheat sometimes; I just have to be careful to not cheat a lot. I have to be very good this week because I'm planning to cheat a little next Sunday at my Christmas party. My friend Jen is bringing a Lemon Meringue Pie. It will be her first so I want to be able to eat a bit. Plus the Portuguese dish I'm making has one thing in it that I'm not supposed to have anymore: French bread. So, that's two cheats in one day. I will be okay though.

After brunch we went to see "Dreamer" together. It was so nice to spend some time with a couple of my close friends. I was so busy that I didn't talk to anybody; of course, no one called me or returned my phone calls when I did so that was another reason. I really needed to be with people. I was really tired but my need to relax with friends was stronger than my need to sleep. And, I did get home and go to bed pretty early so I got plenty of rest. Well, sort of. I'm pretty tired right now. I have five lessons tonight, too. I just will need to go home as early as I can and go straight to bed. We have been having meetings after work Monday nights but I'm going to politely ask to go home. I really need to rest up.

I hope this week turns out to be as calm as I think it will be. The only thing that I really have to do for my party is my weekly apartment cleaning and making the soupas. Everything else is done. It's so nice to finally have a lighter week. I'll still be busy but not stressed like the last three weeks. :-) That is a very good thing. :-)

All things pure and white

How come it's so hard to find white dresses, skirts, pants or tops when this is the season where white blankets the land? It really shouldn't be this hard. I'm still searching for white "costumes" for my angels in the musical this weekend. We have dress rehearsal tonight and all I can find are white sweats and see-through white tops. It's a bit frustrating. And then I look outside, it's snowing today. We weren't supposed to get snow in this area. It was supposed to be all up north. I'm glad that they were wrong. It puts a smile on my face to see the trees frosted with snow. It is so beautiful to me that it's hard to think negatively or stay frustrated. Snow reminds me of all that is pure and right in the world. It's a reminder that God is still in control; and it reminds me of His promises to us.

There is a song, too, that is running through my head. I absolutely adore it! I would like to dance to it but it really isn't a ballroom dance-type song. It's more of a lyrical or freestyle song. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. I just love it: the lyrics, music, her voice, everything. It reminds me that each day is a new day: a blank page, pure, unwritten. You can make it whatever you want. It's good for us to be reminded of that because life is so fickle and fleeting. However, it can't take away that there are only 24 hours in a day; that a new day is always a new beginning, a new chance to live better.

6 months, 7 days and counting...

or 219 days and counting...
or 31.28 weeks and counting...
or 5,256 hours and counting...
or 315,360 minutes and counting...
or 18,921,600 seconds and counting...

UNTIL...Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest releases in theatres.

July 7, 2006!

I'm only a little excited. :-)

Woo Hoo! for after Thanksgiving sales!

Don't be jealous...all of my Christmas shopping and decorating are done - including wrapping the gifts! There are five gifts I need but I'm ordering them from the internet (actually, I did earlier today). It's so exciting to have all of this done! It's a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe...at least a little.

I also was able to find someone else to do my solo for this weekend. I could've done it but not the way I wanted. The young woman who is doing it will do a great job so I'm okay with not doing it. I have too much to do this week between the other part of the musical, both jobs and cleaning for my mom's Christmas party this next weekend. It was such an answer to prayer to have her come up to me after church Sunday. I literally prayed in church Sunday morning for a sign, an answer to what He wanted me to do about it all. His answer: was to give me rest and piece of mind by having Kaila do it. I'll have another opportunity at a better time.

I'm really excited about the IU/Duke game this Wednesday. I took off work in the evening to go but the tickets I thought I had I don't have. And, of course, I can't afford other tickets so I'll be enjoying the game at home. For a split second, I thought about booking lessons until 8:15 p.m. (game starts at 9 p.m.). However, I realized that I would need this little break where I could go home, relax (meaning take a nap) and enjoy the game. Tonight, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday are going to be crazy. I need one crazi-less day somewhere in there. Wednesday is the only one available. I already negotiated for it off anyway.

Seriously, if I can get past this week in one piece I then can start breathing again normally. I have my Christmas party the following weekend (Dec. 11) but the only things I'll have to do for that is make the Soupas and do the weekly cleaning of my apartment. I've already decorated, wrapped all the party gifts and did some deep cleaning this week. I'll really just have to touch up everything.

I can't wait for Sunday at 12:00 p.m. to get here. :-) That's the exact moment I can start breathing again. :-)

Tiffany

Shall we dance?

Yesterday was the first time I have been to an Arthur Murray Showcase event in over 3 1/2 years. Some things have changed and some have stayed the same. But mostly, I learned a few very important things.

One - I've grown up, a lot, since then. It was fun, relaxing and not so serious this time. Yes, it was still about the students and them having a good time but there wasn't the pressure as before. Everyone seemed more comfortable, confident (except for Barbara, of course). She has to be a little stressed so that she makes sure that everything goes great for the day and the students. However, I thought of something really good for next time. Somebody (a staff member) needs to get up there early (at least an hour) to get things set up and ready before students start arriving. We didn't leave until 10 a.m. To be honest, we really should have left around 9 a.m. (no later than 9:30 a.m.) or had gone up the day before so we'd be able to get there first thing. This would've given us time to set up the camera, save tables, etc. If I'm still at the studio in February (I have stopped planning for the long term; it's day to day for me now because you never know what is going to happen), I'd be willing to do this - especially since now I have a friend who lives up there and would love to have the company. It'll lower Barbara's stress level and ensure an even more comfortable, stress-free day for the students. We would just be better prepared all around.

Two - I like my body the way it is. Yes, I still want to eat healthier and continue my workout goal to increase the support for my lower back. But I don't want to be like some of the girls who are teaching at some of the other schools. They are so teeny tiny that it makes them look anorexic. I'm positive that they are not anorexic or bulemic because a lot of dancers and people in general have high metabolisms. One of the reasons why some dancers are so tiny is that they have danced their whole lives and that has trained their body to use the food they eat quickly because of their high exercise and energy level everyday. But I used to want to be that small. No more. I watched a few performances of these tiny ladies and all I could see were how small they were and how I thought it was really unattractive. I couldn't even pay much attention to the dances (which, I have to say, of the ones I could focus on, were all really fantastic). This is only my opinion - I don't intend to persuade anyone to think like me. However, it is concerning to see how small some people can be - especially if they are a taller individual - and how our society pushes this unhealthy look upon our children. Yes, we need to somehow curb the obesity issues that are permeating our culture/country but not to the extent that we tell our kids to go on diets and to not eat. We just need to make sure they eat healthier and are active outside the home. It is up to the parents to be focused on this. They have to desire this for their kids, otherwise their kids won't desire it for themselves. Also, I love television but it's not really a good thing. It's okay to watch it but our society is made up primarily of couch potatoes now and that has a lot to do with the state of our health and the health of our kids.

Three - I have a different perspective and desire for dancing. It's supposed to be fun, easy and give you a sense of well-being. That's how I'm approaching my teaching now. People don't need 30 million steps. They need to learn how to dance and manuever around the dance floor while still having fun. I've always taught this way to an extent but after a break from all of it (I really was burnt out and I really couldn't physically teach all day anymore), I've learned that I need to be more focused on teaching this way. We all need a little more fun in life because we don't know what tomorrow brings. We need to laugh, be light-hearted and let go of things more often than we do. This is something that I need to take seriously on a personal level. If I make a mistake, it's okay. If I get up in front of everyone at the next event and do a pro-show and mess up; it's okay. It's all for fun. There should be no pressure on my partner or myself to perform perfectly. Its' for fun so it should look as good as it can for the students but not to the point that it's stress-filled - which I used to make it. That is going to change starting now.

Four - My break was necessary. I learned things that I never would have had I stayed. I'm convinced, too, that I would've burnt a lot of bridges and maybe even have suffered a mental and physical breakdown. I've learned that there are reasons that certain things happen to you in life at the times they happen. You can't see them coming, either - which is a good thing. Otherwise, we'd never learn; which means we'd never grow; and that means we'd always stay in the same place. That is just so depressing to realize. Who wants to be mediocre for their whole life? I don't know anyone who claims that their goal is to be mediocre in life.

Five - Life is short. Take advantage of the good times but don't forget about your responsibilities. It's you who makes or breaks your goals. Don't overextend yourself but don't pass up the opportunity to do things you love. Otherwise, you can become an unpleasant person, unsatisfied and depressed. Pay attention to the people you love, forgive them always, help them when times are difficult (even if you have to give them advice that they need but don't want), pray for them by name and walk through life in a way that God will tell you at those amazingly beautiful pearly gates, "Well done, My child. Welcome." Because this life really is fleeting; we die. But we can have eternal life if we want it.

It's really not that hard. We just seem to want to make it hard; as if we have to to work for it. We don't; He forgives always. It isn't something we earn; He just gives it. Remember that.

The Sky Is Falling!

You have to go to this website: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/chickenlittle/. It is so funny! I really want to see the movie (yeah, I know, I'm 29). But it looks so funny and a great family movie (like The Incredibles). You can even download a dancing chicken on your computer to be your background. People at work love mine.

Check it out!

What is time anyway?

How come we have to abide by time but our Creator, God, can be timeless? Sometimes I find myself wishing that time didn't exist. I know, I know. We need time to do everything everyday. Time is the underlying thing of everything: when you get up in the morning, when you have to be at work, when you eat, when you pick up the kids, when you go to sleep, etc. Everything has a time limit.

To be honest, I'm usually early at everything (sometimes a little too early). But I'd like to not feel so oppressed by time - meaning all aspects of time like age, clock and year. Plus, our time is never really spent the most valuable way. When you are at work you are supposed to work that entire time - but there are a lot of times at work where it's "slow" and you don't have anything to do. Some companies frown on filling that time with other things; but if you have no work to do, then you're wasting that time.

You see? It's a vicious cycle; and one that I wish I could figure out for myself. I want to find a better use for my time. I'm not exactly sure if writing on my blog is an accurate use of my time but at least it fills it. :-)

There's a song...

...in Ballroom Dancing titled, "Fascination." It's a waltz rhythm and if you sang it, it would sound like this reads: Fascinaaaation. Well, I've had this song running through my head for a while now but instead of Fascination, it's saying Procrastinaaaaation. Wow! I have 8 days to finish my story. Why do I do this to myself? I have no time tomorrow, Sunday or next week. The only time I have is Saturday. You can bet that I'll be glued to my computer Saturday. It shouldn't take me long to finish writing it; it's the ten edits I'll have to do that takes the time.

I'm really having to take a much bigger look at the life right now. There is so much going on; which is good. However, it's a little jumbled right now. I just wonder how or if it's ever going to clear up. I know that God has given me direction but it's kind of like the Central Valley in the early morning: foggy. And Tully Fog, at that. If you don't know what Tully (too-lee) Fog is, here's a basic description: take the densest fog you've ever been through and multiply it by 10 times - that's Tully Fog. No kidding. I've driven through what they call bad fog here and it's not even close to Tully Fog. Tully fog is like having cumulonimbus clouds on the ground. Seriously, it's scary. Not only do you take your life into your hands if you try to drive through it; but you do the same if you try to walk at all. You can't see anything. Zip, zero, zilch. It's creepy, too, because it's almost as if it's choking you. You breathe it because it completely surrounds you. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. Definitely not one of the things I miss about California's Central Valley.

On the other hand, there's a few things I miss about living in CA: Monterey and The Sierra Nevadas. CA has everything - mountains, valleys, beaches, forests and even the desert. I've tried to take a yearly trip to Monterey but this year was out due to my job outlook. I love spending time there. It's so relaxing and always refreshes me. I like to go by myself, too. It would be nice to have a friend along with me but it's okay to be there alone. You can drive as far as you want and do what you want when you want. The only drawback is eating at a restaurant. It's a little weird dining alone but usually that feeling passes quickly for me. I have found that when dining alone in a nice restaurant, you get really fabulous service (which also means you end up leaving a bigger tip - but it's all worth the attention and good service).

I like to camp in the mountains, too. My family used to take really great camping trips near Lake Tahoe. We fished, rested in the tents, played vicious games of UNO around the campfire at night, told stories, laughed and ate the best smores ever. It was one of my favorite times of the year (if not the favorite). I want to have traditions and stuff like that for my kids, my future family. They might be a little different than when I was a kid but I want to have them nonetheless. I know that it is so important to remember where you came from and who you really are. I want to give that to my kids (if God blesses me with them - and a husband, of course).

Laurie has more than she thinks

I received an e-mail today from a friend. It's just one of those e-mails sent by some anonymous person that is meant to encourage you. I usually don't pass them on (or look at them). This one, however, put things into perspective. In fact, I ended up making a list of things that I have in my life. I was surprised on how much I really do have. No matter how wrong my life is right now, I found I have the most important things; all the urgent things are not important. I have:

Two part-time jobs
Friends that have Bible study with me
Friends that hang out with me
A best friend 2000 miles away that calls me and makes sure that I know we will always be friends - no matter what happens or how far we live apart.
A brother who worries about me and tries to give me advice (even though he's 2 years younger)
A dad who sees something at an auction and outbids everybody for it so he can send it to me across the country just for the simple fact that he thought of me when he saw it.
A stepdad who worries about me that when he sees my car gone early in the morning figures that I never came home the night before and calls frantically to find out if I'm okay (I was and I did come home; I just actually left earlier than normal).
Parents who still want me to be close to them.
Parents who want me to succeed and will help me any way they can, including having me rent out part of their house but will give me every bit of rent back when I move out.
Co-workers who never fail to say "Good Morning" to me or ask about my weekend.
Co-workers who don't want me to leave when I get a full-time job - even though they are subjected daily to my rantings and ravings.
A successful author that tells me that I have a gift, a unique voice and should pursue my dream to be a writer.
A successful author that encourages me but criticizes me so I get better; and one that says no matter what happens, if I never get published, that I did everything I could so it isn't failing.
A student(s) who light up when I attend a ballroom party or teach a group class and say, "We're so glad that you're here."
A friend that I have seen but twice since high school that still thinks of me as one of her best friends and encourages me frequently to stay positive because the idea I have of myself is warped; it's not what she or others see.
A niece who loves and misses me even though I get to see her only about once a year. Another niece who is already grown and has been offered full athletic scholarships to college (in and outside of CA).
Four nephews who are all adorable, fun and are going to change the world for the better one day.
Friends who take me out to lunch, dinner or a movie because they'd rather spend time with me than have me decline because I can't afford to. And they don't expect me to return the favor. They just want to spend time - with me!
My health, eyesight, hearing, no cavities; the fact that I can eat by my mouth and my stepdad still has to eat one feeding a day through a tube as a result of the aggressive radiation and chemotherapy treatments he underwent to cure his cancer; he is two years cancer-free.
Family and friends living in at least nine states and three countries.
A grandfather that is in remission for Multiple Mylanoma.
A Bible study class that meets often outside of class and truly enjoys fellowship with each other, including me.
A small group who truly cares about each other and prays sincerely for each other.

I know that there is more - I'll add to this as I remember. I encourage you to do the same and keep it somewhere that you'll read when you feel down. We have so much more than we think. Things are never as bad as they seem when we remember how many people love us - truly, truly care about us the way we are.

Crazy Week

This week is going to be interesting. I have work everyday (like normal) and something planned for every evening (work, Bible study or meetings). Saturday, I have two events (but I can't afford the second so I'm probably not going). It's not until Sunday that I don't have something planned. Besides church, that's it.

As I look forward to next week, it is beginning to look the same as this week. Wow! Too many things going on. I still have to finish my last story assignment for my class, too. Yikes! I need to find a way to open up my schedule. The thing is that everything is good. Nothing planned is frivolous. Although, I could do with a little frivolous. I so really need a full-time job or to find something that gets me across this desert....and soon. :-)

One positive is that I have gained two new customers for my Mary Kay business. From thier orders, I can place a large enough monthly order to be active and to pay down my inventory. That will really help. I need to be a little more active in my business but it's hard to focus on it right now. I've been focusing on my writing but now with all these other things that I'm in, it's taken a toll.

I should just do an online show. I've never done one before. That might be a good thing to try right now. I just have to commit a time to do it. Easier said than done. :-)

A first...in a long time

For the first time in a long time, I actually got out of bed and put my thoughts down on paper. It's been awhile since I woke myself up enough to do this....and last night I even turned on my computer. I shouldn't be so worried about sleep. The life of a writer lacks much in the way of sleeping. Yes, good rest is necessary to function well but when thoughts, stories, plots come at you, as a writer you have to jot them down right away. You don't want to lose it because sometimes you just can't get it back, no matter how hard you try. I finally had all the tools to do this last night and still get some sleep. I've done it before but it's been literally years since I was able to write at the drop of a hat. It's a good sign for me. Plus, it only took about 20 minutes of sleep; and I ended up being able to sleep in a few minutes this morning anyway.

Sometimes stuff just works out without you having to worry about it. So why worry?

Changes to blog

Hi, again. I've made some changes today in my blog.

Church
I've added the links to my churches. Yes, I did just write churches. I love SOCC but I've also found a smaller church (way smaller) that I like to attend sometimes. It's SOCC but stripped down to the basics. When I want to be "quiet," I attend Exodus. However, SOCC is still my main church and I still really adore the worship and teaching.

Verses
I've added this section because it is a very important part of my life - hence the title. Many other verses can qualify as "life" verses for me but these three are the most important ones to me right now. I'll change these periodically or add to the list when I feel it is necessary.

Work
These were adjusted, also. I no longer work at SOCC so it was manditory that I remove it from that list. You can still navigate there but from the Church link section. I also added the newspapers website (my current employer) so you can check out my new "hometown." You can also now navigate directly to my personal website on marykay.com. The new link takes you directly to my page where you can peruse and order products from me online. We have recently updated our color line. You should check it out! And our Microdermabrasion Set is still the best seller of them all.

Music
I've added Plus One to this list. They started out five strong but are now three strong. In fact, I like them more now than before. Their sound is also a lot different: moving from pop to rock/alternative. They wrote and composed all the songs on their current album. Really, they just rock. Unfortunately, I don't think they have had the monetary success that they had when they were a "boy band." But I seriously hope that they'll come out with another CD like the last one. Keep rockin', boys!

That be it. Have fun checkin' out the new links!

I fear for the safety...

...of our President. I understand that he wants to see the devastation of Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. But to take walking tours of areas that are unsettle and have idiot people shooting at others instead of helping each other is this time of need is not a smart thing. I do not want my president to get hurt. These people have guns and they are too desperate to be civil. I'm very scared for him. It is upsetting me so much. Seriously, I'm livid that they are allowing him to do this. I know he wants to be there for his people but its just too dangerous. It's not that I don't have faith in our FBI, CIA or whoever protects him but situations like this are unstable, unpredictable.

I am going to seriously pray and hope that they do not allow him to walk through New Orleans, at least. I have even more respect for him for wanting to do it at all. But I fear for his life. No matter what others might say, he is a very strong president. He doesn't back down to a challenge and he tries to protect this country the best he can (when others before him have weakened it). He is the true example of being an American. He doesn't know what quit means or what a coward is. I know he isn't perfect but I'm proud to be an American because of his leadership. He rolls up his sleeves and gets to work.

I just hope others will see that, too - especially since he's going into harms way to be with his people.

Guys...then fun movie but not a "good" movie

Okay, so I'm over the guy thing...mostly. My mom and I had a good talk the other day; it wasn't long but it was very informative. The gist of the conversation was this: I believe that there is one person best suited for everyone and she thinks that I should just find someone suitable and make it work. That's not how I work. If God doesn't bring me to him, then he's not for me. I'm very strong in this point. I will not budge. I have dated but am unwilling to date at the present time unless it's with a guy I think has his morals right and we're both attracted to each other. There are guys that I'm interested in but, after doing a little "research," they, at this time, aren't interested in me. And I'm okay with that, especially since I'm not strongly attracted to any of them. It's a bad time for me anyway. I need to be focusing on getting out of debt, out of my parents house in a year and establishing something of a career.

Oh, and that other guy I talked about, that's calmed down for the moment. Of course, I don't see him a lot so it's easy to not think about him. But isn't it a sign that if I'm not thinking of him all the time that I'm really not that interested in the first place? Doesn't that mean that it was just a little crush or acknowledgement of a small attraction? Or am I being really stupid and worrying too much about this when it's not supposed to be this hard to hook up with someone in the first place? BTW, "hook up" to me is just dating someone; not the other reference. That won't happen for me until I'm married. :-)

Enough about that. :-)

I did go to see a pretty fun movie Friday. It wasn't a "good" movie but it did entertain me; and I believe it will entertain those who go to it and accept it as it was meant to be. I saw "The Dukes of Hazzard." The car chases were good, the driving was excellent and the whole "good ol' boy" feel was there but it was definitely not the TV show. It was the Dukes as present day hillbillies (they even had cell phones). And though the movie did entertain me, I have to agree with a lot of other folks: the best parts of the movie were when the General Lee was on screen. But, to be fair, the movie was meant to be what it was. And for what it was, I enjoyed it. Also, the music during the car chases was very well selected. It made them even better and you got into the whole sequence. B-/C+

There was too much cussing and sexual conotations in the movie for my taste - which was the main reason why I gave it the above score. Yes, there was some sexual innuendo in the TV show but not as blatant as in the film. Though with a Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott film, you can't expect much better. Sorry, guys. :-) I just don't happen to be someone who enjoys crude/sexual (even mildly so) films. But to be completely honest, I really went to see the car in action. And I wasn't disappointed. :-)

Now, I'm waiting for "Underclassman" and "Aeon Flux" to come out. The latter just interests me because I watched the MTV show a few times. It was actually a bit interesting. The former I want to see because I think Nick Cannon is one of the funniest actors/comedians we have right now (his show, "Wild n'Out," is a blast to watch).

There are two other movies coming out this winter that I'm really excited for, too: Zathura and Narnia. They both look very promising. :-)

Checking in...out guys

Okay, so I haven't written on my blog in awhile. I've just been so busy. I've started a new job, moved into a new apartment and am in the process of turning my temporary job into a permanent one (it's still only part-time but it's a job nonetheless). I've found, too, that with this new job I have the time to pursue some of my other interests that can also add to my bank account. I have to be very strict with my money for the next year still but I may come out of this next year having finally succeeded in life in some way. I've never been so excited to be me - and to see what God has in store for me for my future. I just wish I didn't have to contend with this massive debt, too. :-('

Really, the biggest news I have is that my temporary job at the newspaper turned into a permanent one. It's a little more money with a few less hours but it's permanent - which to me means I have a place to go to work everyday. I'll just have to find other means to make money that will pay for other stuff. But it's good that I like it here and they like me. I transition a week from tomorrow so it will be good to finally have permanence. But it will also be sad that I don't get to work at this desk. I'll be fine across the room but the desk that I'm at is very lively because it's right on the other side of the cubicle from the artists (who are all so funny) and it's in front of the inside sales people's desks (who are also funny in their banter with each other and me). But I will get to know two other sales reps and I think that I'll learn a lot from them, too.

I have to say something else, too, that's been a little weird in the last two days. My friends birthday was Sunday. I was invited to lunch with her and some other friends in celebration. There was a person there that I just didn't think to expect there and it affected me. In fact, I tried not to look at this person the whole time because when I saw this person I was directly affected and I didn't know how to deal with that. I can't like this person. This person and I just wouldn't work and I hate that I know that I still want something to happen. I'm so curious about what goes on in their head and where they come from and what makes them who they are and why they do what they do. It's so crazy because I know things would not work for us from what I've already experienced - but I still found myself drawn to him (okay, so we all know that it's a guy I'm talking about). He's attractive but what gets me is that that isn't why I'm still drawn to him. I'm hoping that I find out I'm still attracted to him just because I'm a woman who loves sports and want to find out why we aren't closer friends or at least sports friends. But I still have this deep feeling that I really like him. And that's so absurd because he is so not attracted to me in anyway. I hate that I always get attracted to the wrong guys. They may be "right guys" in the sense that they're good guys but they're wrong because they're wrong for me.

Anyway, I just didn't want to deal with this now especially when dating anyone should really be out of the question. I have so much debt to take care of and that means I have to work a lot. I won't have a lot of time. If it's something that God wants for me to do, though, - you know, date someone - then I won't be able to say no to the guy who asks. You know, I need to stop thinking about this and just let God handle it.

It's hard, though, he just looked so amazing with those glasses on, so intelligent and sexy. I'd never seen him with glasses. Plus, he's nine years older; I'm too immature for that to work out. Again, so stupid to be attracted to him - so I'll have to do my best to not be. :-) But I can't promise that if he invites me to a ballgame that I won't go (and of course I will make sure that I pay for the ticket this time even if he got them for free). I'll just have to be myself but on my best behavior, too. Maybe he'll have a girlfriend by then and he'll be totally unavailable. That would be very helpful for me to not like him - in any way. Please, please, please, Lord. Give him a girlfriend (a nice one who may end up his wife one day). And help me to be attracted to the right guys for me. I just want to be attracted to the one that you have created to live in eternity with me; the one who you created me for. That's all. Amen.

Exciting news!

Something great just happened...and it couldn't of happened at a better time - even though things really aren't that bad right now. I just got word from my instructor - with a few small tweaks, my story is ready to start being submitted! She even gave me a place where I should start to submit it. It's an online magazine that's fairly new but she thinks it will take of and be very successful. She knows the editor and thinks that it would be a good opportunity for me to break into the business. I'm so excited about it that I don't want to work right now and just want to go home, make some changes and submit it right away! That's how excited I am! But I do have to work and it is a fairly busy day so it will have to wait. Plus, the guys that are going to set up the new computer won't be there until later today so I can't write or fix anything. But at least its a small step in the right direction - both in my writing and my life-path. :-)

Well, I really better get back to work. I just couldn't hold this excitement in; I had to do something and this is quick, easy and only takes a few moments out of my day. :-) Woo Hoo!

My life is full, I think

I know this is the second time already today but I just had a thought (and I have nothing to do at the moment at work): My life is full, I think. I mean, looking at what I have in my life, I should be extremely happy (even with the frequent, "You should go on e-harmony.com" comments from my mom). I have a family who loves me and helps me even when they don't have to. I have friends in at least four states and one other country. I have a car, a job (though temporary), my health and have found my Savior. So why do I still get depressed at times? I'm not now; and I know that I want to have a family one day and want to get my thoughts out on paper for people to read - but I have everything else. So why do I , and people like me, still get depressed at times? What is it that we truly long for? Am I really longing for love, in a romantic way? To be honest, I'm a little scared of it. I have waited a long time; and I don't want to fall in love with the wrong person. But I want to love and be loved (and no, I'm not talking about sex; that isn't love - it's a physical expression between a husband and a wife, of which, yes, I really do want to have some day - with my husband).

I just realized why I'm having these thoughts: a friend of mine had two dates last weekend. I was a little jealous, I admit it. Another friend of mine just announced that he's engaged. So I guess my question is why haven't I even found someone I truly want to date and that who truly wants to date me? LOL! I'm so all-over-the-place at times. I just remembered that in my last entry I was so okay with not having someone because I don't have time. And now, here I am talking about how I question why I don't. It's so funny to be me sometimes. And no, I'm not blonde (no offense to those who are; but it is a well-observed stereotype and I have blonde friends who don't take any offense to it and actually use it to their advantage). I'm a proud brunette who thinks too much sometimes and talks way too much. However, I'm sticking to my story about the talking thing: I really do think God gave me a quota of words to say everyday. So if anyone has a problem, they need to take it up with Him. Plus, I think better when I'm talking; it helps me to work it out in my head. I don't know why I have to do things this way, but I do.

None of this means that I'm super-intelligent or super-stupid. It just means that sometimes I try to rationalize things to the point that I forget why I was concerned by it in the first place. Things need to be simple. And isn't it the simple answers that always end up being the best answers to our questions? :-)

Just FYI

I had a very productive weekend. My stepdad and I moved some of my stuff over to the house on Saturday. It may have only been one load but it was so nice to come home to a slightly sparse townhouse and see that things have started to get going. Pretty much everything in my townhouse is mine; my roommate has very few items in it (besides what is in her room). I hope to move the majority of the rest of my furniture this next Saturday. I hope that I can find some people to help. I don't want my stepdad and I doing everything.

I spent most of the day with my parents on Sunday. We went to lunch to celebrate Father's Day, looked at computers for them at Best Buy (I'm inheriting their old one - YES!), and then Dave and I went to see "Batman Begins." He wanted to see it and I didn't mind seeing it again so we went. He enjoyed it. It was nice to do something with him on Father's Day. Though, I did think that my dad probably misses being with us (Aaron and I) on Father's Day. It's been a long time since that happened. It's another thought that has further encouraged me to wait for hte right person. I do not want my kids to go through what I went through. I know that I cannot control anything but I can control who I date and who I marry.

And, I'm sorry, Mom, but I just can't go out with any guy. It's not how I'm wired. And I'm not too old. My generation is waiting because we've seen what's happened with the divorce rate from previous generations and we've learned to be patient. And, if God really does want me to meet the love of my life through the internet, then He'll lead me there. Right now, I have no inclination from Him to pursue that. To pursue a family, yes. But on His timeline, not my mom's or mine or anyone else's. Yes, it's hard to have to wait so long but I know in my heart that it will be right when He says it's time. And that doesn't mean that the next guy I seriously date will be the one. It just means that I'll be ready to pursue a relationship; whether or not he turns out to be my soulmate. And, really, there is no one right now that lights my socks on fire in any way. Not even a small attraction. Plus, I'm too busy right now trying to get my finances right (my life in order); if it's going to happen now it's going to have to happen so plainly that it's like a 2x4 hitting me in the head. :-)

Anyway, enough about that. I'm tired of having that conversation. All I want is to get out of debt and into my own place in the next two years. I want to get published; even if it's only one story. I hope it's more than just one; but I'll settle for one right now. That means that I need to start submitting ones that I have and get ready to be rejected many times before one of them is accepted.

Here's to developing a thick skin, which I don't have right now. :-)

Batman Begins...the Best of the Best

Seriously! Wow! Great movie. Great direction. Great performances. All-around great movie. I saw the first showing last night, expecting only something a little better than the previous three. I was blown away. It's a great interpretation and representation of who Batman is and should always be portrayed. In my opinion, it was the best of the recent five movies. I rank them 5, 1, 3, 2, 4. And, yes, Christian just edged Michael Keaton as the best Batman. He just was so believable as having a dark side and a compassionate side. Compassion was easy to see in Keaton; dark-side, not so much.

And, can I say that he was so hot? I know he's married and has a kid but that doesn't mean that the rest of us can't appreciate his appearance. I am not lusting in any way after him; you just can't help but notice his "hotness." And it's about time he started getting some credit for his skills. He is a great actor; and I so hope that he continues to choose roles that distinguish him as a great actor. He can carry a film by himself, if he has the right script. But, to me, I think he's made some mediocre films bearable because of his dedication to the character he is portraying. I hope, too, that we can see him in more movies - but I also wish for him to have a lot of time with his young family. Or at least, through what I think will be his breakout performance celebrity-wise (everyone already knows he's underrated as an actor), I hope he and his family will stay strong and not allow the outside world to touch their most precious commodity - each other.

One last time - AWESOME MOVIE! Y'all need to go see it. :-)

Malibu and Paul Walker

No, I'm not going there. In fact, come to think about it, I've actually never been there and I lived in CA most of my life. But I did just return from Malibu Grill, a restaurant here in Bloomington. One of the sales reps I work for took me out for lunch. It was nice. We got to know each other and came to realize that our lives parallel in many ways. She is from Southern Indiana and ended up working in San Francisco for a few years. Like myself, she longed to return to her home of Indiana and the Midwest (well, technically, I longed to get out of CA but you can see the similarity in it). She loved going to Monterey; also a great love of mine. She's the surprising rebel of her family, too - just like me. We're easy going and good women but have always longed to fly the coop, as it were. Sorry, I live in Indiana now so my lingo is much more country. :-) And this is only a blog; I don't have to be grammatically correct if I don't want to. :-) So, it was very nice to find so many similar experiences with a new friend. :-)

The other two exciting things right now for me are so minimal but have made this day so easy to live in. The first is that I just bought the Backstreet Boys new CD, "Never Gone." It's awesome! Their vocals are so much more mature and the musicality is at a much higher level. It's definitely not cookie cutter pop like some of the previous albums were (I say some because not all of their previous four CD's were this way; I thought Black and Blue was a nice break from the previous two CD's). But Never Gone is so great because each song is different and holds its own; and yet they work together nicely as one CD. Kudos, guys! I'm a bigger fan than ever. :-) I can't wait till work is over so I can listen to it again.

The other exciting thing is that Batman Begins comes out tonight. Christian Bale is my favorite actor; I've even seen movies he's made that I should never have seen because of their graphic content - namely American Psycho. He did a great job in that movie but that wasn't a movie for me at all. It still creeps me out. Anyway, I've also been a big fan of the Batman films. Though I still think that Michael Keaton was the best Batman to date (even with Batman Returns on his resume), I've enjoyed all the Batman movies, including all the villians (minus the Penguin) and the atmosphere of each movie. I'm even more excited for this one because Christian is in it and I think he can bring the respect back that some people (namely critics) have taken away from it - and he's hot.

Speaking of hot actors, there is one that just gets me every time he is on the screen: Paul Walker. As a Christian girl, I continually have to thank the Good Lord for making such a fine man and move on. But it is very hard sometimes to stop those unholy thought processes. I've even watched some bad movies because he was in them. But, to his credit, the reason why they were bad was not because of his acting. Sometimes the writing is to blame; and that's hard to say coming from someone who wants to be a writer. Don't think too bad of me and my thoughts, though. It isn't as if we do bad things in my thoughts; it's just that lust is lust no matter what is involved. And to think about a guy for extended periods of time who is not your significant other is being lustful (even if you don't have one at the time, which is my current situation). So, of late, I've said many a prayer for the specific purpose of stopping my lustful thoughts and in each one I've thanked the Lord for making such a fine-looking man. You see, it's okay to look but that's it. To dwell upon something like this is not a good thing; and it isn't healthy. :-) But I had to be honest and I had to say something about my recent "sinfulness." Maybe now I can stop thinking so much about him - and I think staying away from MTV would help. They keep playing the movie awards over and over, and the only thing I really watch in them is who was voted best kiss - this year, he happened to be one of the presenters for Best Kiss. Let's put it this way, I've purposely watched the whole thing to know where in the show this award comes so I can watch it during reruns. Yeah, sad, I know. I'm honest. I know it's pathetic; he's just so good looking. :-)

And he reminds me of the things that I do miss about CA: the beach and the mountains...and the weather. The great thing about the Midwest is that you actually have all 4 seasons. Count them...1, 2, 3, 4 seasons. Not 1 1/2. It's so pretty here; but I could definitely do without the thunderstorms, as you well know. I want to take a long weekend in the next month to go to the beach in Monterey but with the long flight and my work schedule, it wouldn't even be worth the cost - to me. To a rich person, maybe. To me, it's too costly - especially since right now I don't have any money to spend on vacation. Just on bills, the Backstreet Boys and Batman. :-) Guess I need to light my ocean water-scented Yankee candle tonight, huh? I can at least similate the beach. :-)

Day 8: Then end of my first official week

It's official! I have completed my first full week at my new, albeit temporary, job. It was a crazy day, too! But with deadlines, it makes the time go much quicker. I stayed through lunch and can go home, I htink. However, my supervisor isn't here and I'm not sure if the 9-5 thing is literal; I do know that I'm supposed to only work for 7 hours. So I'm not sure what to do; I decided to write on my blog instead.

It stormed here an hour ago pretty good. But it's light rain now and looks like there aren't too many more storms coming through. At least, I hope there isn't. I want to go home and relax. I had plans to go out but I really need to be inside working on my story and going over my finances. I need to sleep tonight; and even though I know that I'll be okay, I just couldn't get it out of my head last night so I barely slept. So once I get those two "headaches" out of the way, I'll feel much better. In fact, the idea of going to the farmer's market tomorrow is so much more appealing. I am so craving fresh veggies! Of course, that could be because I'm dying to use my grill and I love grilling vegetables for sandwiches or as sides to other grilled dishes. :-)

So, though today was crazy, it was fun. Now, I am so excited for the weekend. I want to do lots of fun stuff and just relax. And I can't wait until I start swimming again. I just have to sign up for the next membership at the Y when my mom can come with me; we're going to go in together on it since I'm moving in with her and my stepdad in a month. I'll have my own little apartment in the basement and save money (and pay down debts). Then, in a year, I hope to have my own place (will still probably have to rent for awhile; one year isn't long enough to get out of debt but enough to pay it down) and a full-time job. I just don't know if that's going to be in Bloomington or not. Only God knows that and he isn't giving it up. :-)

End of day 7

It's the end of my seventh day at my new job. Things are going well. I even got my first paycheck today; it's only 3 days worth though since the pay period ended last Friday. I get paid every other Thursday, so my first full check will be two weeks from today. :-)

The great thing about this job is that I am busy and it's fairly simple to do. Yes, there's a lot of deadlines but it's very strict so clients can't be late. Totally different than at the church. Nobody every acknowledged the deadlines. It was very hard. I know that Emily is now experiencing that headache. But, at times, I really feel that they never utilized me very well so that I wasn't able to apply all my knowledge. Instead, they gave it to someone else and used me in a way that didn't cater to my strengths but my weaknesses. It's no wonder I ended up hating my job. Working here (though it's in advertising), I realize that I am good at what I went to school for. I know now that I would've done much better if I were given the opportunity to really prove myself; I never got that. I was just the "coordinator" and never trusted to use my skills. I mean, I had four or five meetings with our personnel director explaining to him all the things that needed to be done but without given any authority, I couldn't do them. He seemed to be behind me but if he was, my other two employers weren't enough to take his advice. Anyway, I'm feeling much better about myself and my skills; what I've been taught. I mean, I've been in journalism since 10th grade and I studied it for 4 of the 5 1/2 years that I was in college. I need to trust my instincts and my knowledge. If you think about it, they actually lost a good source to take them to the next level. But, then again, Jason always wanted to that himself so I never had a chance really. Oh well. I didn't want to work there much longer anyway. I just can now see that I'm more valuable than I give myself credit for.

Anywho, I don't think this ad is going to get to me soon so I might as well go home. It will have to wait until tomorrow (it's an important one so I was trying to wait to get it and send the proof out tonight but I'm half an hour past when I'm supposed to leave so I can't really stay any longer). See ya! :-)

New job, new outlook, new life

Have you ever wondered why you are where you are? I have...and it's frustrating so I'm not going to do it anymore. Why? Because I will never truly know. I just need to know that I'm there...where I am right now. I don't have to know why. If I did, I may not want to be here because I'm human and can't see truly through God's eyes; it's why I need faith. And right now I have a lot of that to go around.

I like my new job; it's busy, the people are fun, and it's interesting. Do I want to do this forever? No. I know that for sure. Do I want to be here longer than 2-5 months? Probably not. Do I like it? Yes. Again, it's constantly moving, keeping me interested and busy, and I love the people I'm working with. It's about to get crazy, too, since we're up against some deadlines, but I like crazy - just not everyday crazy. :-)

And can you believe that I've made a few more decisions? Yes, actual decisions have been made by me! I can't believe it either. Anywho, the first of which is that I'm not going to worry about painting walls or the like at my parents. It's too much pressure in the next four weeks. I have to continue looking for full-time jobs and deciding on the right color to paint the wall, for me, would take at least two weeks - let alone actually getting it painted before I move in. So that's decision one (thanks, friend, for helping me with this decision). :-)

Decision Two is that I'm going to look for a job for the next year here around Bloomington. My top priority is getting myself more stable in as many ways as possible. I fully realize that I can't get completely stable, but I can help my situation reach the next level towards stability. In order to do that I need to stay where I'm at and work at it where I'm at. :-) It makes life so much easier when you can work out your problems in the same place; moving them somewhere else (let's say another city or state) doesn't fix them; they just move with you.

So, Bloomington, I'm here for at least another year so be prepared. :-) Of course, there is that small chance that the DREAM OPPORTUNITY could fall in my lap but, with my luck, I'm not holding my breath. :-)

I'll just be super happy if I can pay down my debt by at least a 1/3 (preferably by 1/2) and have a good sum of money in my savings by July 2006. This is my goal; and to take a one week vacation to London to visit my friend Leslie in July 2006. That's it. And, if I think about it, it's a lot but I can do it. I have the support system to do it. :-)

Here I go again...:-)

I don't know where I'm goin' but I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again.

Tho' I keep searching for an answer I never seem to find what I'm looking for.
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known.
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time.

Just another heart in need of rescue waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

Recognize this? It's the lyrics to a favorite song of mine (and a lot of others). I heard it today on the radio and I realized that this is where I'm at. I researched a bit on my family today and the islands that we're from in the Azores. I want to go to visit for a couple days on each one. But I know why my family did not stay. It isn't a place that you can live well for long. They came here to America to find success and easier way of living. And I think my family has become extremely successful in this aspect. But the Azores islands are also known for their beauty; and one of the islands that my family is from is a huge tourist destination: Faial. San Jorge is not far behind it in tourism. I'd like to see both and stand on land that my ancestors once stood. I would also like to experience the mainland. But when am I to do all these things? Is it now? In the next year? Can I get out of debt completely by next Summer? It just doesn't seem possible. I have, including my student loans and my car and current medical bills for my back, over $30,000 in debt. How can I make that much "extra" money by June or July 2006? I would also need to have ample money in order to travel to all these places (my list includes more than just Portugal; another major desire is to visit my friend Leslie in London, and travel to France, Italy; even places in this country like Boston, NYC, Philadelphia - the original city of our government). Is this something that I can do over my life-time, maybe beginning with my honeymoon (which is awhile away being that I haven't found a suitable guy in order to even consider dating yet)? Or should my focus be to work as much as I can for the next months and start my travels now (well, I'd be 30 by next summer)? Will there be a future job that allows me to travel a lot? I have so many questions and so few answers. But some prayers have been answered; and the questions that I have are new ones.

Life is exciting, isn't it? Every day is a new day with new possibilities and new opportunities. It's what we make of them that shapes our lives and our experiences. Hopefully, I have done so mostly because I have kept my faith in God and have followed His will. I will have been successful, if I have done so.

Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

What was I worried about?

To know a little bit about me, you need to know that I'm character-driven. When I watch a movie or read a book, I latch onto character. It has been so with Star Wars Episodes 1-3. I did not want to go to see the third installment. I liked Anakin too much - and I was mad at George Lucas for making him so likable. I did not want to see him turn to the dark side even though I know he is redeemed three movies later. Okay, so now you know. I'm a closet Star Wars fan. I have the re-mastered trilogy and decided to wait until the release of Episode 3 to buy the other three, hoping that they'll bring it back in a trilogy, also. Although, I'm beginning to wonder if they'll just put all six together. Anyway, I've hidden myself by not collecting anything about Star Wars. I adore the story and the movies but I don't want to be linked to people who actually dress up to watch the movie. I think those people are fine; I have nothing against them except for the fact that my life is more than Star Wars. Though, I adore the story.

So I fretted and fretted and fretted on if I should actually see "Revenge of the Sith." George Lucas made me like Anakin. So, giving in, I decided to go right after work - straight to the theatre to watch it on my own. Otherwise, I'd continue to debate myself. I opened my mind and let George Lucas redeem himself; and he did. I came to hate Anakin. Even more so Darth Vader. And it were two things that turned me (SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE YET): Anakin killing the younglings and him taking Padme by the throught, almost killing her, his love - the whole reason for him turning was to save her from her supposed death. At that point, I was ready for Obi Wan to kick his butt. Seriously - I had no loyalty to Anakin by that point. He was evil, completely. And even when he asked the Emperor about Padme, the only thing I felt was sorry for him. He was blinded and gone.

This morning, I had another thought. I had to watch Episode 6 (just a few scenes). I watched the one where Luke rescues the gang from Jabba the Hut (that's just a great scene); Luke's last encounter with Yoda where he finds out about Leia; and the final battle sequences as he's fighting his father and the Emperor, and the rebel fleet is fighting the Empire fleet. Through it all, he still believed his father was good. He saw his good side. He saw good in something that was completely evil. And he was right. Isn't that what God wants us to do with others? See the good in them and fight for it? I don't know if George Lucas believes in God or not but He does exist. And He is good. And He wants good for others; and for us to see the good in others. I know it's cliche - using a movie to rationalize a point - but it's hard not to see the parallels. In our own lives, we go through hills and valleys at the same time. There's always something good with something bad and vice versa. Sometimes the bad has to come for the good to come. It's how life works; how it always has work. We can only have faith and keep our hope in each other. I lose sight of this a lot. I think of petty things and concern myself with them. Case in point: I argued with myself on if I should or shouldn't go see this movie. I spent precious time - no, I wasted precious time trying to decide on something so menial. We need entertainment, a break from reality sometimes, but it shouldn't consume our lives. I let it consume mine for several days. And it shouldn't have. We all have our likes and dislikes in life. I love to go to movies, to read a good story; as I said, I'm character-driven. But it shouldn't consume me so uch that my life centers around it.

And, then, if I really think about it and am honest with myself, my life may supposed to be character-driven. I want to be a writer and I want my stories, characters to mean something; I want people to identify and be comforted with them; as I have with others. But I've been too into others that I'm wasting my gift, and the time I have on this earth to pursue that goal; a goal that God may have for me. I will soon see in the future. So on one hand I'm a hypocrite and on the other hand I'm being lazy.

What was I so worried about in the first place? It's a story I knew the end to. My stories, well, I don't know the end yet. But it's high time I found out.

Lime and reason

Yes - I'm obsessed with Pepsi Lime. I love it. But this isn't the first time I've had it. Two years ago, when I was in Honduras on a mission trip, I tasted it for the first time. I wondered why they had it there and not in the States. I thought that we'd soon get it there. I fell in love with it then; but my love was made into heartbreak. It wasn't there when we got back. In fact, they came out with Lemon Pepsi. Yuck! I have nothing against the lemon as a fruit but in soda it sucks. In water and tea, it sucks. In pies, it's marvelous! But to ruin my Pepsi - I would have none of that! And then, my rival, Coke, came out with Diet Lime Coke. Ugh! Why? Why couldn't Pepsi hav ebeen first here? It so rocks over Coke. But, then again, I'm a sugar-aholic. Coke just doesn't have enough sugar in it. It's so bland. But, recently, my love has found it's way back to me. And now, after many months of just about giving up soda completely, I'm buying it in hordes all over again - because I just have to have this Pepsi lime in my system. It's a moral imperative. :-)

Anyway, today I'm a little excited about my future. Yeah, if I think too much, I realize that just over a week from now I'll be in a new job that makes a lot less than what my bills require. But I'll be okay. I'm excited for my future. I know that there are good things and bad things along the way but I also know that God doesn't want me to sit on my laurels and watch them happen. He needs me to be me and get out there. He has given me so many gifts; 29 is just the tip of the iceburg for me. I had a good lunch yesterday with Alisa and Jen. We went to this new place after church and I found myself writing a story in my head; taking a mental note of the three of us and our lives, as if we were sisters sitting in a cafe in Paris, not where we actually were - a cafe in downtown Bloomington, Indiana, USA. it was neat to see what I did. To realize to myself of how stories, people and their lives interest me. At that moment, I realized who I really was and that all those years of saying, "I could never do that," was a total lie. I could totally do it. I really, really could. And you probably would like to know what I mean by all this. Sometimes, I forget to be specific with stuff because my brain goes so fast that my fingers can't catch up - even if I'm typing. :-) That's why I double and triple-check my e-mails before I send them. Yeah, I know - a little pathetic but I hate sending an e-mail and it reads totally different than what I really meant; and I can't stand misspelling anything. It's my biggest pet peeve.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent again - and if you know me well, you know that you have to forgive me because I routinely go on tangents - it's how I'm wired. Luckily, I have great friends. :-) Anyhoo, I could see myself traveling the world, sitting in a cafe, people watching, writing what I see or my thoughts at the moment and just taking in the different cultures. What's hindering me? Money. Flying over the ocean. Going to a land where I don't speak the language. The thought of not coming back to see my family. The thought that I'm 29 and want be married someday, which has to happen soon if I want time to have and raise the three kids I want. Seriously, I've always wanted what my step-sister and my brother have: three kids, specifically two boys and one girl. They both have the same thing: my dream family. But I can't even find a man that is worth giving "the rest of my life." And if I do take care of my money problems and find myself in a position, financially, to travel, will I miss him? Will my desire to travel forsake my desire and maybe God's will for my family because I left at the wrong time? And then again, if I don't do it, don't work towards this goal, am I giving up a dream that God has for me? This is a big question: it's about my future and God's will for me. It's something that I know he'll reveal the answer to in time. I just have to keep faith and be patient. A lot can happen in the next two months. I knew things would change for me a lot this year; and they have already. But there's more coming; I can feel it. There could even be a man; but I'm not so sure about who even though there's one that's interested at the moment. I think he's a great guy but I'm not attracted to him. But I don't want to not give him a chance if my problem is me and my short-sightedness. Time will tell and I know that I will make the right decision because all of the decisions I've made in this area before were right. I gave it to God and He led me to the right decision. I know He will do that now.

Oh, bummer. I just finished my Pepsi Lime. I should get back to work. I'm going to write later today; not on my blog but a story no less. I've decided not to write my little story from the other night down on my blog. It's not time - yet. It will be one day; maybe in a collection of stories, or to help me develop a character. It isn't meant for here; and I'm glad I waited to figure that out.

My pettiness is crystal clear

I was just sent this exerpt from a friend of mine. I have to put it on my blog; as a reminder to myself on how petty I am most of the time. I have serious thinking to do; we have serious thinking to do.

In an interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond, In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body - but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillion of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort. God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ-likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is "my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people...You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for you to own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan - to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, "God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better" ...God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? How can I be so stupid at times? Ugh! Sometimes I can't stand me. Good to know that He still does, regardless of my pettiness. It helps me to sleep at night - when there's not a thunderstorm, of course. :-)