Everything all at once

It must state in the miniscule text in the Book of Life that everything has to happen all at once. It can't be gradual or you can't have one thing happen, fix it and then the next thing comes. No, we have to multi-task our problems. It's no wonder we (Americans) have high stress levels and are the fattest country on this planet.

Right now, my personal life is a little chaotic -though I've learned to accept it and put one foot in front of the other not worrying about the next step until it's here - otherwise I'd drive myself into the looney bin. One of the issues that I'm dealing with is health - that of a few in my family and my friends. I'm trying to be very positive but, to be brutally honest, I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop - literally. I'm sure that with my luck, if it's going to happen, it's going to happen soon. Everything for me always happens at once - the bad thing about that is that it's all always bad. Not one positive happens in that time. I have to get through the bad stuff with not one iota of hope. If I didn't have a strong faith, I'm sure I'd be in a straight jacket by now. So besides trying to find a full-time job, figuring out why I'm so unattractive to the opposite sex so I can finally answer the question, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" that I get asked on a daily basis, finding a way to make my life debt-free and become a better friend, I may have to deal with health issues, too. You see, nothing good. It all may be going somewhere good but it's all negatives to work through; there just can't be one thing that just happens that's good that I don't have to work for - you know, it just happens without you even knowing.

What is getting me through is that I'm used to this. I don't cry much anymore; I just put it on my shoulders and walk through my day - half like a zombie and half just like a busy person. I found that being busy helps you not think of so many of the bad things. It's not that the busyness helps you avoid them, but it helps them to not overrun your life so you become a weepy mess. The lack of sleep also doesn't help but if you only give yourself enough time at rest in order to sleep in your bed, then you also don't have to think about the bad things as much - you don't have time! You must use the lag time to sleep (even if it's only 6-7 hours a day, which is what I'm averaging right now).

I don't mean to complain; I just need to get things off my chest. I fully realize that there are many people in this world that have bigger problems than mine. But we all have to release at some point or else we'll drive ourselves crazy. Everybody's problems are for each of us to share, support and help them get better.

But wouldn't it be nice if for once we can have one thing happen good in the midst of all the bad? I feel like all I ever talk about is not having a full-time job that I'm good at and like, not having a relationship, still being in debt and health problems. I'd just like for one of those things to change. 1 out of 4 would be great. All would be better; but 1 out of 4 is a good start. There would be hope and it would be easier to tackle the other three. Then again, I know God is teaching me something with all this. So, it may have to stay this way: everything all at once. Maybe that's the only way "it" works: this thing we call life.

Countdown 3 plus the future

49 days and counting....I had to do the countdown today because it's one of my favorite numbers. Yes, those who know me know exactly why: it's because of my beloved SF 49ers. :-)

You know, the future is very open right now: meaning I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from this point. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of debt faster while finding a career. I love Ballroom dancing and I'm good at teaching it but I just don't see a career because physically I can't teach all day and I don't see any possibility of furthering my career at the studio beyond being an instructor (the reasons for which I'll keep to myself for now).

So, I'm now actually considering going back to school - and I have several degree options to consider. My first action though is to get my transcripts and figure out requirements to either do a second major or apply for a Master's - of which I have to cough up $9 just for a piece of paper at an institution that I gave over $14,000 already. But it will be worth it and $9 isn't necessarily going to break my bank account.

Consideration #2 is the continuation of finding a full-time job with benefits. This has been and is an on-going process. So, I have to keep it up even though I will be checking out other options. There could be that perfect job out there for me but it just isn't time yet. I have to be patient and keep sending out those resumes.

Consideration #3 is to check out this Toastmasters thing. My boss at the H-T informed me of the organization - it helps people become better public speakers (and meets way earlier than I ever get up). She said that it might also look good on my resume. I need to look into that soon.

Consideration #4 is to seriously think about taking cooking classes or going to Culinary school. I love to cook for people and entertain. Why not make money at it?

Consideration #5 is that maybe I'm not supposed to have a career but am in certain places so that I find that special someone in order to start a family and be a mom and wife. But, really, isn't that what I'm doing right now? Until something changes, this is where I'm at: waiting for something to happen to me that's positive like a relationship or a sound career.

But the relationship thing, while I want one badly, I don't think is the end all/be all to my life. I'd love just to date someone that has the possibility of becoming a commited relationship. I don't want to date anyone that is going to put pressure on me or himself to have something serious right away - even because I'm closing in on 30 and my biological clock is getting louder. And though it would be nice that the first person I kiss is the only person I kiss for the rest of my life, I know that it's not realistic. So I may have a few relationships before I find him. I just would like the searching to finally start - I mean, I've waited patiently for nearly 30 years; I should at least be rewarded with a boyfriend this year (even if it doesn't last forever).

On the other hand, I'm not sure that any man is going to accept me for who I am: not a supermodel...not incredibly smart though I'm definitely not a dimwit...am outgoing and outspoken...strong when I need to be but still need comforting...and someone who likes to relax. Most of the Christian men I know are very reserved, boring and not-aggressive enough to ask a girl out; they prefer to be pursued (which is backwards thinking). They also want these camera-ready women who seem to have the perfect body, bra-size and are at least as successful as them. I don't fit into that category and I've not found a guy that likes sports as much as I do, accepts/respects my knowledge and finds me to be attractive inside and out. So I find it hard to believe that there is anyone out there for me. I am a bit clumsy - physically and in life. There are times that I just have to laugh at the situations that I sometimes get myself into and I need somebody who is going to laugh with me - not at me.

Plus, I always seem to be attracted to men that will never be attracted to me. So the one time that it's mutual, maybe he'll be the one. Again, I hightly doubt it since I've never been attracted to the men who like me (which have never been compatible with me in the first place so I don't know why they're even attracted). It's just a vicious cycle that I wish would finally end by either God blatantly telling me that I'm supposed to be single or Him finally giving me a reason to hope. Either way, I don't have time to concern myself with it because I have to pay my bills - and focusing on this doesn't pay the bills. Though it would make things a bit easier if someone of the opposite sex thought me to be "amazing, gorgeous, talented" (and I thought of him the same way) - it would definitely improve my self-esteem.

Countdown 2...and other stuff

54 days and counting....:-)

There has been a few exciting things in the last couple days. They aren't big things but they make the day go a little smoother. For one, I just found out that I have QuarkXpress on my computer! Yay! I love working with Quark. Of course, it's only 4.0 so it doesn't have some of the options I'm used to using but it's a whole heck of a lot better than using Word for this work project I have right now. If I could afford to put it on my computer at home, I'd buy it. So, for the last two days I've been using my favorite program. :-)

Also, I had a great Bible study Tuesday night. We didn't actually do a study but reflected on our studies from last year and decided what we wanted to do next. It was nice to finally get back to a somewhat normal schedule - although a very, very busy one. However, fitting in two evening Bible studies a week is all the time I have to relax during the entire week, as my weekends now have become part of my weekdays! Ugh! I'm hoping that after Feb. 12, things will calm down a bit but I'm not really holding my breath. Until I find a full-time job with benefits or am more financially stable, I doubt things will get any better soon. Here's to hoping they will, though.

I just don't want to end up in a rut and burned out. I really don't have many to support me because I'm too busy for them to be there for me. And those who are my close friends have different schedules than me. This is where a significant other would be appropriate but, alas, that isn't in the near future. It would be nice to start dating again though. But I'm also not in a rush so I guess where I am right now is right where I'm supposed to be. I don't have a lot of time anyway.

I'm looking forward to my performances (Night in Old Vienna and Indy Classic) but right now I'm looking more forward to Feb. 5 - although it's a super busy day. Feb. 5th is the Super Bowl. I don't have anywhere to go yet but I'm sure that someone will have something that I could go to. I don't really want to be home alone watching it. I would throw my own thing but I'm busy intil 6 p.m. that night with things at church so there would be no way that I could host anything.

Go Steelers! I never thought I'd say that. But I'm a Randle El fan - and the Colts choked - so that's who I'm rooting for. I just can't wait until the Niners are in the playoffs again - but I'll probably be waiting for awhile. :-)

Under Construction

It's a new year...and a new and improved me (well, not yet but I'm working on it). In celebration of "new beginnings," my blog is also getting revamped. So, while I give my online journal a "facelift," please be patient. I am also planning on putting pictures on this year and I don't know how yet.

Although, I think I have found a good title. "Lost in Space" applies to me as a person (I can be "lightheaded" at times) and to the nature of this blog (since I seem to write about everything from sports to sleep deprivation to things that frustrate me).

Not only am I cleaning up my clutter, but I'm coming clean. No more lauriejotiffers.blogspot.com. I'm using my real name and all that that implies. If I'm to have an online blog and be honest on it, I want to be real in identity, too. Why be open and hide behind a fake name? I've now come to the conclusion that hiding behind a surname, while it might seem mysterious, is more like you're hiding out - for me anyway. So I'm coming clean, as Hilary Duff would sing.

Please visit me soon and check out all the new "stuff." Have a wonderful day!

Kobe - Wow!

It's nice to prove everyone wrong, isn't it? All those naysayers and know-it-alls finally get put in their place. Thank you, Kobe, for doing what I couldn't: prove to everyone that watching you play is better than any NBA Championship won by the Lakers in the recent years with your former "teammate."

I've followed Kobe Bryant since before he was a Laker. I read about him in both stories and interviews. I was so impressed and became a fan quickly. Then I found out he had always wanted to be a Laker - my team from the beginning. As a kid, he watched Lakers games and learned to move like Magic (along with others). So how excited was I that he actually became a Laker?! How amazing a part did fate play in that turnout? He wanted to be a Laker and he got his wish. Then he preceded to win championships and bring the glory back to L.A. But he did need a big man to do it. To be honest, I never really liked Shaq. He had to grow on me but even when he did help us to National Championships, I still wasn't that impressed. Had he stayed and Kobe left, I'd have been super upset. I can't be 100% sure but I think it would've been the only time I left my favorite team and followed a player instead. That's not like me - at all. I stick to my team even when it's bad (all of them). But I think Kobe is the only player that would be able to make me root for another team - whatever team he plays for.

That says a lot since my favorite player of all-time is Jerry Rice (of which my friends will immediately tell you about my "shrine" to the SF 49ers & IU Hoosiers). When he left SF, I didn't follow him though I still watched him play (and psychotically imagined him still in a Niner uniform though he was playing for the Raiders). But I have no doubt that I would go where Kobe goes. He is the best in the NBA and he cannot be denied that label especially now that he has a chance to prove it. There's nobody in his way hogging the spotlight or the ball.

What Kobe did last night was the mark of a great baller. His team was lethargic. He was ticked off. So he had to do it himself. I do think that the W was more important to him. He still has something to prove, people. He wants to get back to the Finals and win it - without Shaq - and that means the Lakers have to win. If he has to put up 81 points a game to do it, you know what?, he will. He has no fear and doesn't care what the critics say. He got the W; that's all that mattered.

But for the rest of us, it was a night that we'll all remember. It was the reason why fans watch sports - to witness individual and team feats like last nights. To watch records get broken or almost get broken. Wow! That's the only word to describe it.

Thank you, Kobe.

Good movie

"Glory Road" is a good movie - no matter what the critics say. It may not be the best movie ever made but it was so fun to watch. I laughed, I thought, I smiled, I teared up a little and I cheered. It was what a movie should be. It should be enjoyable in lots of different ways. There wasn't too much dialogue and actually had guys playing basketball. There are some sports movies that forget that the characters should actually be playing something. It looked so real, too. And they had the right actors for it; great casting. Thank goodness Affleck passed. He would not have been a good Don Haskins - just not the role meant for him. Josh Lucas was great in the role. I really can't see anyone else taking on the feat. Nice job.

I have to say that it still didn't compare to "Remember the Titans" or "The Rookie" but it held up against them for the most part. I was excited to see a good sports movie finally. But, seriously, nothing has come close to "Remember the Titans." What a great movie! Such a shame that it was passed over that year. I saw every movie that was nominated that year and I was very surprised that RTT wasn't one of them; actually, I was angry. But what could you do.

On another note, there was a nice preview of the new Disney movie, "Eight Below." I can't wait to see it! Of course, it also helps that Paul Walker is one of the leads. Thank goodness he's in something not involving cars or sexy women. I liked the "Fast and the Furious" and it's sequel but you kinda wish that your favorite actors star in movies that are either more family-oriented or Oscar-worthy. You want to see them respected. Then again, you don't know them and their desires so you really have no right to say anything - just give your opinion and that's it. I'm just glad that he's in something family oriented and a Disney movie (that isn't "Meet the Deedles" - it was enjoyable but forgettable, if you know what I mean).

However, the next must-see movie on my list is "The Pink Panther." Laugh if you want, but I can't wait to see Steve Martin play Inspector Jacques Clouseau...."Cato, Cato, where are you?" LOL. My favorite scene out of all of the first movies has to be the moat scene. I can watch it over and over and laugh just as hard each time. I love it! All the Cato scenes are a close second.

Countdown

So there isn't a lot for me to look forward to except my birthday (and visiting my family/Jennie's wedding in April). Here's the latest countdown...63 days.

Hook 'em, Horns! Yee Haw!

Though it didn't come at the hands of Fresno State this year, USC's loss in the Rose Bowl to Texas was still satisfying. And I like Texas - of course, mainly because my Brother's Godfather's son is a walk-on player who won a scholarship last year. He's a sophomore so he doesn't play much right now but he's getting in there. It's nice to have a personal connection.

Plus, I got to see Texas in action last year in the Rose Bowl against Michigan. Wow! What a game to witness in person. It was awesome! You watch Vince Young and keep rubbing your eyes because you just can't believe that what he does is real. It's almost as if you're watching a cartoon. He's so quick and amazing. He so deserved the Heisman this year. No offense to Reggie Bush. He's a great player; one of the best ever. But Vince is the MVP of his team, his conference and, to me, the entire nation. He does everything and even when things seem impossible, he finds a way. He deserved it more. But I guess the consolation prize isn't so bad: the National Championship and MVP of the Rose Bowl. Things don't get much better than that for a college football player. :-)

Hook 'em, Horns!

I have so many "issues"

Well, here it is Wednesday, January 4. My parents are back, I work at the studio for the first time since last Wednesday (a full schedule) and for no reason my neck and back decide to act up. Oh, yeah, I have had a lovely day. I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to teach five lessons tonight when I can barely move the area from the base of my skull to my last vertibrae. Ugh! The dancing Monday didn't do it. I wasn't doing anything that was overly stretching or fast or jumpy. It was more lyrical with my arms (a few turns here and there) but nothing to extend any of the areas. I was very careful; I always am now especially since I started back at the studio. Plus, I felt fine all day yesterday. Why would it show up now? I was fine when I went to bed both nights. But I woke up barely able to move this morning. I was late by an hour to work (of course, I called in to let them know what was happening). I've been doing what I need to but not even Advil is working. I have no idea what else to do.

So I've been thinking about this all day and I just realized what is happening: my stress is manifesting itself physically. When I really thought about it, I realized that I have a ton of issues still hanging over my head. There are so many things that I have to take care of that it's showing up physical. In addition to the facts that I had a pretty tough week and haven't been getting enough sleep, it's no wonder I can walk at all today. I suspect that Monday nights dancing had a little to do with it, I know that it was just a little bit. Seriously, I didn't do much at all even though it was for an hour. I watched and moved to four videos (a total of 7 times in an hour; I rested a lot and did choreography in my head during those rest times - I didn't do it physically). So it couldn't have led to this. I mean, I've done 10x more at the studio in one 45 minute lesson that I did Monday night physically.

Plus, it started in my neck. My back didn't feel bad this morning. It was my neck and shoulders. The last two times it started in my neck and spread to the rest of my back over the day, it was due to stress and too little of rest. Since my injury, I'm much more in tune with my body. Those last two times there also wasn't anything physical that I could link to it. I know that this has to be stress-oriented.

I've been able to fool myself for awhile; my body is finally trying to tell me to do something about my stress level. And believe me, I'm determined now to take care of this stress once and for all. I can't afford to be out of work because my back or neck is acting upon my stress level. No can do. So I'll be resting and putting my life in better order - starting immediately by picking back up my search for a full-time job with benefits. :-)

Red & Gold Forever!

I just found another sign that I was destined to always be a Niner fan. Taking a small break from work, I logged on to the San Francisco 49ers website and perused the current info. I found the sentence in the stadium facts section of the site:

The sod is technically known as "Tiffway II Bermuda", but in lay terms it is a hybrid of Bermuda with a Perennial Rye over-seed.

Tiffway...hmmm. Don't they mean Tiffany? :-) Yeah, I can rationalize just about anything that could possibly uphold my love of the Niners. :-)

Go Niners! We'll be back...and the word "dynasty" will then once again be uplifted to it's right full place: after San Fransico 49ers. :-)

Patriots who? Yeah, whatever.

From Sleep Deprivation to Dance

Yeah, it's like that this morning. But it's the opposite of being sleep deprived...actually, it's called Tylenol PM. I had to take a dose last night because I was pretty achy and I wanted to sleep. Instead of taking the 1/2 dose that I usually do, I took a full dose. So now I find myself feeling a bit drugged this morning. It usually wears off by now but there are no signs of that happening yet.

However, something happened last night that was a good thing. I watched a movie that had a music video as one of the extra features. It's a really nice song and inspiring. It inspired me to...dance. So I did - by myself in my living room (well, the upstairs living room) and barefoot. It was so much fun that I replayed the video about another three times. After that, I was so energized that I had to do more. I remembered that I had a few other movies that had music videos on the DVD so I took out those and did the same thing. These aren't hip hop videos or anything like that but they are songs that inspire me to dance. This went on for about an hour. I was getting tired and afraid that I was going to hurt my back so I stopped and watched another movie. But I so enjoyed the time that I did that. It was free-moving, spiritual, relaxing and all-consuming. It felt so great!

I love ballroom dancing but I almost love to dance behind closed doors more. Really, it's like lathargic for me. It's so calming...and it's the only exercise where you sweat that I like. One of the reasons why I love to swim so much is that you don't sweat. But I don't mind sweating when I'm dancing - not at all. :-)

My New Year's Resolutions

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Because I didn't get to see some of you this New Year, I wanted to make sure that I I wrote the following thoughts on my blog. I hope that you were able to spend a very happy new year with your friends and/or family.

Mine was pretty nice. I had a good time and was able to relax for a little bit.

However, it was also a thinking week for me. I'd like to let you guys in on a few thoughts and resolutions for my new.

Let me begin by saying that I do not think of myself as a very brilliant person or that my advice is always good. But some things have been revealed to me over the past week (well, year, really) that as I grow closer to my 30th year on this planet (77 days and counting), are good to reflect upon. And since I'm reflecting, I thought that maybe, as my friends, you should know what I'm probably going to be concerned with for the next year.

First is that to have friends you first have to be a friend. I'm not sure I've done this so well this year. At times, I have been okay. And at other times, I have really screwed up. But I've learned a lot from the screw ups about myself and my friends. Including the big fact that the people who stuck by me through my difficulties have proven to be my true friends. The people who give me advice that I don't want to hear but know I need to are my true friends. Those who forgive me for my flaws are also my true friends. And those that I do the same for - forgive, advise and stand by - I regard as my true friends. Friendships aren't always peachy keen. There are times where differences will create conflict - Jennie and I know. There was a time about four or five years ago that really tested our friendship (that situation stays between the two of us; so don't ask me what it was). It proved to strengthen it instead of weaken it. So, really, it's how you get past those conflicts that makes your friendship - or breaks it.

Second, there are important things in life and urgent things in life. Don't get them mixed up. The urgent things are our daily tasks: go to work (on time), take out the trash, get gas in the car, mail out that bill before it's too late, etc. The important things in life are those things that make a difference: communicating with our families and friends frequently (making sure that they know they are important to you - I'll be the first to admit that I'm not so great at this but I am determined to get better), serving others at every opportunity and continually growing to be a better person tomorrow than you are today. I am just like everyone else: I put the urgent things before the important things, always. It gets worse every year. This year was one of the hardest for me. Trying to put some of the important things first meant giving up the urgent things; that proved to be too hard at times so I failed. The urgent things won and the important things got pushed aside. We don't know how long we're going to be living on this earth so every day is important. But it's also important to know that there is another day to wake up to; some things you just have to let go and let God take control. He's the only one who knows the number of our days and He's the only one we can truly trust our days with.

Third, take risks. Don't sit on the sideline. Get out and play (and I don't mean just sports). I mean love with abandon, forget your fears and enjoy your life! Don't let the bah-humbugs of the world keep you down. Smile and laugh when they frown and do something that is so unlike you that it baffles them but doesn't define you. One thing that I have realized about myself is that I am a risk-taker. Believe it or not, I take risks everyday. I fought for my dream of being a dancer and guess what? I may not have succeeded the way I wanted but I'm still dancing; and loving every minute of it. I may not have published any of my writing yet but I've gone through the steps toward that goal. Now, all I have to do is take that last step and start submitting some of my stories. Whether I succeed or fail isn't important; it's that I took the risk. How are you going to know if you're good at something if you don't actually try? Lastly, take the risk to love someone: an enemy (which, of course, none of us have, right?), a friend, a family member that needs you but won't admit it or a person you're crushing on. In our world today, we don't "touch" each other enough. Guys are afraid to ask out girls and girls are afraid to say yes to some of the guys that do ask. We live in a culture immersed in divorce, one-night stands and quickie marraiges. But don't sit out of the whole dance. Do a little waltz; if your partner steps on your feet, change partners. Maybe try a swing this time. Find the one that you dance the best with, not the one that everyone thinks you dance the best with. You may have to go through some pretty bad dancers before you find Mr. or Mrs. Right. But if you don't have anything in common with the partner and have no interest, don't give them false hope by continually saying yes just because you want to dance. Respect yourself and them by being real and genuine. You'll both be better for it. And let go of relationships that are going nowhere. If it isn't happening or "growing," then it isn't what God wants for you, period. Take a risk and walk away. If it's meant to be, God will bring it back to you. If not, then you know He has something so much better for you. And that should excite you more about your future.

Fourth, well, it's kinda like number 3 in some ways and number 1 in other ways - feel. Really feel. Don't let the things going on around you get you down so much that you have a "Such is life" attitude. I'm such an example of this sometimes. The old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," I found really works. When things get bad, do something to make them better. Don't sit and sulk. Of course, there will be times when we need help. Reach out to someone you trust. Invite them over to help you make that lemonade. Sometimes we forget an important ingredient in lemonade: the sugar, pure real sugar. To me, the sugars are the people in our life that makes us who we are. God didn't make us to be alone: otherwise none of us would be here. There would be only one person and one name: Adam. I have known more than one Adam in my young life so far...and Jennifer's and Rebecca's and Doug's and Patty's and Mike's and Stacy's and Amy's and Susan's and Alis...oops, sorry, I've only known one Alisa. :-) And I like the fact that I've know more than one of all of your names. Each have had something spectacular about them that I felt really special to get to know. Take inventory of your friends and family; find the good in them. Forgive the bad but help them to fix it, too. You wouldn't be a good friend if you didn't care enough to do that.

One side note to number 4: call each other. Talk. In person, on the phone, doesn't matter. We don't call each other back right away. We are too tired or it's too late. So leave a message. We have gotten into the habit of taking talking to one another for granted. I'll be the first to admit that I don't call enough. But I've also learned that some don't call me right back anyway. I will no longer care about that. I may call you more than once in a day (and vice versa): return the call. Don't wait two or three days unless you really can't help it. Being respectful of each other means communicating even when you don't want to; it's another way the urgent things have replaced the important things.

Fifth, and last, celebrate your birthday! Okay, so I'm never going to give up trying to convince everyone I know that their birthday is a very special day. I know that this part of me will never change (even though I've finally given over that my subconscious is a little worried about turning 30). I'll always love to celebrate my birthday and yours - if you let me. Remember that it's the one day every year that you deserve to do something that makes you happy. I realize that sometimes I go overboard on mine but this year I put the planning of it in a friends hands. The only thing you'll be hearing from me is how long you have to prepare (77 days...or did I already mention that?). :-)

Like I said at the beginning of this: I don't pretend to be brilliant or to have advice that we haven't heard before. But this is me we're talking about. I'm a slow learner in everything: school, work, relationships - especially relationships. I just had to get these things out of my mind and written down somewhere and it just fit that I'd do it in a way that you all could read at once and in a central place.

I pray that no matter what happens between you and I, 2006 will be a year of blessings for all - no matter what those blessings entail. It's all good because it's all about God and His will for us. We just have to enjoy the ride. :-)