Well, maybe it will turn out to be a "Yureka!" I've had this feeling for awhile. It's off and on and it's like feeling sick but without being able to throw up or having any kind of congestion. It's like feeling weak, jittery and nausious but not able to throw up. It's not having a cold or a fever, but you can't sleep (which isn't unusual) and when you do, you can't wake up and you have a headache off and on.
Well. Hmmm...what could it be? I missed work today because lifting my head off the pillow made me dizzy and it made my stomach nausious...really nausious. I also slept not very much and even a sleeping aid didn't help. I got about 2 1/2 hours of good sleep. So I called in sick and let my body rest...I couldn't drive anyway because I couldn't even open my eyes long enough to see what the clock said. I tried to get to a doctor then remembered that my health plan changed and I knew the doctor I had chosen was not in network...but I didn't know who was so I just went back to bed....or actually, the couch. I slept most of the day. I felt a little better late this afternoon but as soon as I left the house to go to Bible study, I felt bad again...my head started to hurt again and my stomach got nausious again. So I went back home and sat on the couch again. Then I got mad. Why am I feeling this way? It's not the first time in the last few weeks. It's happening more often and I don't know why...but I don't want to be a hypocondriac either so I've tried to kep it to myself. But this is just getting old...so I got up from the couch, logged on to my computer and started to do research.
I think that I've found the answer...but I need to go have a few tests done just to be sure. Here is what I've found.
First, I'm slightly anemic...that is a given since my blood has always been slightly iron-deficient. But it's never been really bad. I take iron supplements every so often but I try not to if I can eat more iron-rich foods. The supplements tend to give me other side affects that I'd rather not share. But I've never really researched it in depth before...well, I just did. And it's very very interesting what I found out. As I dug deeper I started to see a pattern and then realized I had every sympton when I crossed all the iron research with the fiber research. Yep, I've been focusing on eating more fiber and iron in my diet. Well, guess what? Fiber cancels out iron...if you don't eat the right foods at the right times with these two things. The higher fiber diet I've been taking is not allowing the iron to be absorbed. Being slightly anemic in the first place is why I'm having the symptoms...the spasms in the heart area, the nausious stomach, the weakness in my muscles and joints, the tiredness, the headaches (which are very unusual...I rarely have headaches).
And it's all related to the really bad diet I have and how I've just so screwed with my body that it's messed up and mad at me. But I know that I can't necessarily diagnose myself. I need to have a doctor look at me....so that's the next step, finding a doctor and figuring this out for real and for good. Because I don't like feeling this way or staying home from work and I'm not hawking out a lunch or have a fever or have pneumonia. It's a good reason to take a day off of work...I mean, if you can't get out of bed because you have a deficiency is something you have to take care of...but I don't want to miss another day of work because of it.
I am going to bed now. I will get up in the morning. I will go to work. I will work well...while also looking at who is in our network as far as doctors go and I will make an appointment.
Good night.
3.31.2009
3.30.2009
Castle
One last thing for tonight...I've been watching this new show called Castle while writing tonight. It's not the best show on TV but there is something about it that just draws me to it. No, it's not Nathan Fillion...though I have to say that he is very fine. I think what sparks my interest is the situation, the plot of the show. Since I was a little girl I've loved to figure things out...to watch a movie and try to figure out the end before it happens. And it's like that with Nathan's character in the show. He's a writer whose riding along with a detective, doing research but solving crimes and being a total part of the case. It's awesome! I kinda want to be him. It's really sparked something in me. It's just fun to watch and try to figure things out.
Anyway, I so want to write some more of my book right now but I can't keep my eyes open. I have barely slept for the last three nights and I'm not feeling well at all really. I am going to bed. Work comes at 8 a.m....but the alarm sounds at 6:30! :-(
Anyway, I so want to write some more of my book right now but I can't keep my eyes open. I have barely slept for the last three nights and I'm not feeling well at all really. I am going to bed. Work comes at 8 a.m....but the alarm sounds at 6:30! :-(
When Leaders Lose Their Souls...
..."Something is not quite right." Yep...it's a little harsh to point out about myself. But it's what was happening, truly. My identity...the one that I kept hearing about last year at conferences, in books, in scripture, out of peoples mouths...was becoming invisible, and I was letting it. And I didn't know what to do about it. I had no clue where to go, who to listen to, who not to listen to or what first step to take. There were a lot of steps...I just didn't know which one came first. It was a maze...which is ironic because I like mazes. Not a lot of people know that about me. As a kid, I liked the crossword puzzles and finding the words and circling them, but what I really loved was taking the pencil and trying to find the right path out of the maze. I loved it! And I was pretty good at it. But the maze recently in my life had many more blank walls and dead ends than I was used to. It was one maze that I kept having to turn around, taking wrong turns, rethink my steps and start over.
But I don't have to start over anymore. I know the first step...and I've already taken it. And that makes me feel good. I wasn't sure if I was hearing anything that God was telling me clearly...at all! There were so many distractions...good ones...but not good at the time. I see what I have to do more clearly, and that is a huge change. It doesn't mean I know exactly where all this is going or how the journey will shape but...I know now that I'm on the right path....and so far, I don't see any dead ends ahead.
It's gonna be hard though. Besides my own personal research in certain areas of improving my leadership skills, I also have to research for my book, car insurance, settling with the other drivers insurance, and getting myself in a better financial position....and there is one other thing that I am not revealing here. That's one thing I don't have to share; and it makes me a little mysterious. Kind cool...I am a writer. :-) Anyway, it's a lot to take on...but I've learned that I have to take it on one step at a time.
It's also gotten a lot easier since my social life is less dramatic. I'm not so intertwined with everyone I know...which is a lot of people. I know that I am blessed to have so many people in my life...good, loving, amazing people...and I want to make it clear that this isn't about them. But I was gravitating toward all the drama that was unnecessary between a few of them. I was in the middle of a lot of things...and things that I had no business being in the middle of....so I finally got smart and left. Not those particular friends; just the drama. I learned that though I may not be a prototypical drama queen, I can be prone to drama...finding it, getting involved in it and sometimes fostering it without even knowing it. So I got smart just like I know that I am...and I'm a lot smarter than I usually give myself credit for. :-)
Anyway, I won't lose my soul when I know something isn't right. I have to make sure that I am with Him everyday...first, for me...then, for everyone else. Because if I'm not okay, then how am I supposed to help others? I want to help others and be someone that anyone who meets me knows from the beginning that they can trust me. So, I'm working on that first. Step one...now, it's time for step two.
To be continued...
But I don't have to start over anymore. I know the first step...and I've already taken it. And that makes me feel good. I wasn't sure if I was hearing anything that God was telling me clearly...at all! There were so many distractions...good ones...but not good at the time. I see what I have to do more clearly, and that is a huge change. It doesn't mean I know exactly where all this is going or how the journey will shape but...I know now that I'm on the right path....and so far, I don't see any dead ends ahead.
It's gonna be hard though. Besides my own personal research in certain areas of improving my leadership skills, I also have to research for my book, car insurance, settling with the other drivers insurance, and getting myself in a better financial position....and there is one other thing that I am not revealing here. That's one thing I don't have to share; and it makes me a little mysterious. Kind cool...I am a writer. :-) Anyway, it's a lot to take on...but I've learned that I have to take it on one step at a time.
It's also gotten a lot easier since my social life is less dramatic. I'm not so intertwined with everyone I know...which is a lot of people. I know that I am blessed to have so many people in my life...good, loving, amazing people...and I want to make it clear that this isn't about them. But I was gravitating toward all the drama that was unnecessary between a few of them. I was in the middle of a lot of things...and things that I had no business being in the middle of....so I finally got smart and left. Not those particular friends; just the drama. I learned that though I may not be a prototypical drama queen, I can be prone to drama...finding it, getting involved in it and sometimes fostering it without even knowing it. So I got smart just like I know that I am...and I'm a lot smarter than I usually give myself credit for. :-)
Anyway, I won't lose my soul when I know something isn't right. I have to make sure that I am with Him everyday...first, for me...then, for everyone else. Because if I'm not okay, then how am I supposed to help others? I want to help others and be someone that anyone who meets me knows from the beginning that they can trust me. So, I'm working on that first. Step one...now, it's time for step two.
To be continued...
3.26.2009
Death and Babies and Boyfriends
Wow, though I am supposed to be finally unpacking my bags from vacation and cleaning my apartment, I've just watched three shows...not every second of them but enough. And I can only say Wow. That is what each one has left me with...Wow. The thoughts are in my head are big and overwhelming but good.
How do you deal with death of a loved one, whether dog, cat, mother, brother, sister, father. Or death of a soul, your soul, a friendship, a love, a life. How do you react, how do take the next step, how do you stop it? Yes, you can stop it...maybe not literally but metaphorically? How do you start to stop what is already in progress? And where do you begin? How do you stop something from happening...but, more importantly, why? What is your reason? Why does it have to be stopped? One of the shows I watched tonight was Private Practice. One of the storylines really grabbed my attention...actually, that isn't true, they all did. The doctor who didn't wait to look at a patient's chart and died because of it; the 12 year old girl whose mother allowed her to have sex just to prevent her from being promiscuous but ended up pregnant and promiscuous; and the doctor who almost cheated with a patient's husband. They all had a decision to make...they all had to decide to continue down the path they had so dangerously walked upon or to turn away to a narrower path. We have so many choices to make everyday and they all have consequences. Sometimes we make the wrong ones and have to step up and take responsibility for it (them). But a lot of us end up playing the blame game. It's somebody else's fault; it was what they did to lead me to make the decision that I made. It's the "it's okay for me to blame everyone else because everyone else made me this way." I learned this from them; and that's all I know. To me, that's death. That's not life; it's not mine; I have no control or no right to make my own decisions when I blame everything else on everyone else, when at the end of the day it's my decision to make...not theirs.
These shows, though it's television and not my Bible, made that argument. But my Bible tells me why it's my choice and my responsibility and my ability to conquer death...whatever type of death it is. I can always choose to do the right thing, get better, love instead of hate, understand instead of feel and do a 180 and finding the narrow path instead of continuing down the wide, angry and hurtful path. God gave me my person, my being, my ability to walk, run, think, love, live and choose. It's not up to anyone else to dictate who I am...but it's up to me to make the right choice...and just sometimes like I make the wrong ones, there are some times that I make the right ones. :-) And no matter how hard he right decision is, it's always the right one to make. That's why it's right.
I've gotten too tired to finish the Babies and boyfriends part...but I will say this much: as much as us women talk about babies and boyfriends, we also like our independence, too. So guys, it's not just you that has commitment problems. We want our space and our individually intact, too. Some of us just want to do it with you there...you...our witness in life, our support, our encourager, our love. But it's just as hard for us to commit to you...sometimes even to a first date or just returning the "I like you look"...because it's a life change for us, too. Just remember that we're precious, fragile, beautiful disasters, just like you. We just want to be with the right beautiful disaster...the one that makes us and you just beautiful.
How do you deal with death of a loved one, whether dog, cat, mother, brother, sister, father. Or death of a soul, your soul, a friendship, a love, a life. How do you react, how do take the next step, how do you stop it? Yes, you can stop it...maybe not literally but metaphorically? How do you start to stop what is already in progress? And where do you begin? How do you stop something from happening...but, more importantly, why? What is your reason? Why does it have to be stopped? One of the shows I watched tonight was Private Practice. One of the storylines really grabbed my attention...actually, that isn't true, they all did. The doctor who didn't wait to look at a patient's chart and died because of it; the 12 year old girl whose mother allowed her to have sex just to prevent her from being promiscuous but ended up pregnant and promiscuous; and the doctor who almost cheated with a patient's husband. They all had a decision to make...they all had to decide to continue down the path they had so dangerously walked upon or to turn away to a narrower path. We have so many choices to make everyday and they all have consequences. Sometimes we make the wrong ones and have to step up and take responsibility for it (them). But a lot of us end up playing the blame game. It's somebody else's fault; it was what they did to lead me to make the decision that I made. It's the "it's okay for me to blame everyone else because everyone else made me this way." I learned this from them; and that's all I know. To me, that's death. That's not life; it's not mine; I have no control or no right to make my own decisions when I blame everything else on everyone else, when at the end of the day it's my decision to make...not theirs.
These shows, though it's television and not my Bible, made that argument. But my Bible tells me why it's my choice and my responsibility and my ability to conquer death...whatever type of death it is. I can always choose to do the right thing, get better, love instead of hate, understand instead of feel and do a 180 and finding the narrow path instead of continuing down the wide, angry and hurtful path. God gave me my person, my being, my ability to walk, run, think, love, live and choose. It's not up to anyone else to dictate who I am...but it's up to me to make the right choice...and just sometimes like I make the wrong ones, there are some times that I make the right ones. :-) And no matter how hard he right decision is, it's always the right one to make. That's why it's right.
I've gotten too tired to finish the Babies and boyfriends part...but I will say this much: as much as us women talk about babies and boyfriends, we also like our independence, too. So guys, it's not just you that has commitment problems. We want our space and our individually intact, too. Some of us just want to do it with you there...you...our witness in life, our support, our encourager, our love. But it's just as hard for us to commit to you...sometimes even to a first date or just returning the "I like you look"...because it's a life change for us, too. Just remember that we're precious, fragile, beautiful disasters, just like you. We just want to be with the right beautiful disaster...the one that makes us and you just beautiful.
3.22.2009
How open should I be?
If there is one thing that I truly am struggling with right now, it's how open I should be with those around me....or what do I share and to whom and at what time? I said something to a friend last night about something...actually, there were two separate instances with two different people and I shared two different topics with them. I'm not sure I should've shared either one...just yet. And to help matters, I just commented on a friends blog about her last blog entry. It sparked more thought on this topic of sharing. It's not a question of sharing or writing on my blog or being open; but what I say in confidence to someone. Specifically, when is the right time to share it?
There are some instances that I am clear on the timing of sharing something. But there are others that baffle me...mostly because they are highly emotional or spiritual....and recently, I've shared the wrong thing to the wrong people in both instances. The people aren't wrong in themselves; I just didn't choose the right person to share the topic with.
I guess my problem with what I shared last night is that I realized immediately after saying something that I wasn't ready to share either one. It was not the right time because I'm simply not at a place to confidently discuss either one in a good, encouraging manner.
It's in this that I'm learning to retract a bit of my very obvious penchant to be open. Sometimes you can choose wrong people to confide in. I've learned this the hard way; and it seems that I haven't exactly learned all I need to in this area...because I still have a tendency to choose the wrong people to confide in.
I don't mean in any way that any one of my friends is not worthy of sharing with. I should never ever complain about not having great, trustworthy friends. I am eternally blessed with the friends I have made over my lifetime...from CA to here, Indiana, and the ones I will make later in life. God has truly blessed me in this area. But sometimes you can reveal something to someone that isn't at a good place in their own life that what you say can 1) fuel their fire (which is not what it was meant to be) or, 2) be taken wrong, perceived in the wrong way, or 3) it can make it look as if you are stepping on their toes or not respecting them in some way. I hate when any of those things happen; and I've recently had to deal with that issue, again.
But, yes, I also know that I can't beat myself up for sharing with someone, who I originally thought was the right person. I have to let things go...but I can learn from it and make an even better decision next time.
Making decisions have not always been my strong point but they aren't my weakest point anymore, either. I've truly grown in that area. Still, I struggle with the age old "keeping up with the Joneses" because I have many friends who nearly always make the best decisions and I want to be like them. But I wouldn't be here today if I didn't sometimes make mistakes. It's learning from some mistakes that leads to the best decisions in the long run....and in turn can lead to making a better decision the first time around.
Isn't it cool how that works? Good thing that God didn't make us perfect; life would be boring and we'd never learn anything or appreciate where we are or who we are. I'm very greatful that He loves me just the way I am at any moment...and that He's given me the capacity to learn, grow and live life being really me, which is unique to everyone else....even if sometimes I make a wrong decision.
There are some instances that I am clear on the timing of sharing something. But there are others that baffle me...mostly because they are highly emotional or spiritual....and recently, I've shared the wrong thing to the wrong people in both instances. The people aren't wrong in themselves; I just didn't choose the right person to share the topic with.
I guess my problem with what I shared last night is that I realized immediately after saying something that I wasn't ready to share either one. It was not the right time because I'm simply not at a place to confidently discuss either one in a good, encouraging manner.
It's in this that I'm learning to retract a bit of my very obvious penchant to be open. Sometimes you can choose wrong people to confide in. I've learned this the hard way; and it seems that I haven't exactly learned all I need to in this area...because I still have a tendency to choose the wrong people to confide in.
I don't mean in any way that any one of my friends is not worthy of sharing with. I should never ever complain about not having great, trustworthy friends. I am eternally blessed with the friends I have made over my lifetime...from CA to here, Indiana, and the ones I will make later in life. God has truly blessed me in this area. But sometimes you can reveal something to someone that isn't at a good place in their own life that what you say can 1) fuel their fire (which is not what it was meant to be) or, 2) be taken wrong, perceived in the wrong way, or 3) it can make it look as if you are stepping on their toes or not respecting them in some way. I hate when any of those things happen; and I've recently had to deal with that issue, again.
But, yes, I also know that I can't beat myself up for sharing with someone, who I originally thought was the right person. I have to let things go...but I can learn from it and make an even better decision next time.
Making decisions have not always been my strong point but they aren't my weakest point anymore, either. I've truly grown in that area. Still, I struggle with the age old "keeping up with the Joneses" because I have many friends who nearly always make the best decisions and I want to be like them. But I wouldn't be here today if I didn't sometimes make mistakes. It's learning from some mistakes that leads to the best decisions in the long run....and in turn can lead to making a better decision the first time around.
Isn't it cool how that works? Good thing that God didn't make us perfect; life would be boring and we'd never learn anything or appreciate where we are or who we are. I'm very greatful that He loves me just the way I am at any moment...and that He's given me the capacity to learn, grow and live life being really me, which is unique to everyone else....even if sometimes I make a wrong decision.
3.19.2009
A Lucid Moment
Today was filled with several lucid moments....meaning I got it. I got it today; I wasn't angry or confused or upset or disappointed or overly (ir)rational about anything. I got it today.
One of the things I really got was what each day in our lives is supposed to be about. I can easily get caught up in the negative things in life. I can see the negative more than the positive a lot of the time. I get wrapped up in the drama; and most of the time it isn't my own. I've tried hard to get out of that pattern...but you know what I realized today? Some drama is okay. It's okay to be a part of someone's life at times that it's unstable. It's okay to be Miss 911, when it's really and truly needed. It's good to know that it's not about how hurt a friend makes you; it's about the hours that they've allowed you to cry on their shoulder when you really needed it. It's not about how you aren't married yet or haven't experienced a good romantic relationship; it's about how to appreciate those in your life who you do have a good friendship and relationship with. It's not about pointing the figure at everyone else or at yourself; it's about forgiving them and you. It's not about expecting the people around you to be the perfect spiritual leader, mentor, teacher or friends; it's about knowing that everyone has a bad day but that doesn't mean they are a bad person. It's about loving, giving, serving, caring, sharing and living your life truly honest...truly trusting and forgiving. It's not about what happened in your past that was awful; it doesn't define you. It tells you where you've been and where you came from but not necessarily who you are; and it doesn't tell you that every person in your past is going to reappear in your future, with the same intention to hurt you. It is about moving forward; about learning but being a better person today than what you were yesterday.
For me, that's letting go of wondering constantly if I'm enough...for anyone...but especially for God. Do I do enough, love enough, forgive enough, confess enough, laugh enough, care enough, give enough...live enough? It's letting go of all that...but still knowing that tomorrow I may stumble...I may take a step backward...but that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human...a daughter of Adam in this crazy fallen world.
But the amazing thing, the lucid moment, is when I realize that one step backward doesn't have to turn into two...He's given me the freedom to turn that one step backward to infinite steps forward. There's hope, joy, mercy and unconditional love. I don't want to know what it's like to live a life that these things doesn't exist in...and I'm ecstatic that I never have to find out. He made sure of it. :-)
One of the things I really got was what each day in our lives is supposed to be about. I can easily get caught up in the negative things in life. I can see the negative more than the positive a lot of the time. I get wrapped up in the drama; and most of the time it isn't my own. I've tried hard to get out of that pattern...but you know what I realized today? Some drama is okay. It's okay to be a part of someone's life at times that it's unstable. It's okay to be Miss 911, when it's really and truly needed. It's good to know that it's not about how hurt a friend makes you; it's about the hours that they've allowed you to cry on their shoulder when you really needed it. It's not about how you aren't married yet or haven't experienced a good romantic relationship; it's about how to appreciate those in your life who you do have a good friendship and relationship with. It's not about pointing the figure at everyone else or at yourself; it's about forgiving them and you. It's not about expecting the people around you to be the perfect spiritual leader, mentor, teacher or friends; it's about knowing that everyone has a bad day but that doesn't mean they are a bad person. It's about loving, giving, serving, caring, sharing and living your life truly honest...truly trusting and forgiving. It's not about what happened in your past that was awful; it doesn't define you. It tells you where you've been and where you came from but not necessarily who you are; and it doesn't tell you that every person in your past is going to reappear in your future, with the same intention to hurt you. It is about moving forward; about learning but being a better person today than what you were yesterday.
For me, that's letting go of wondering constantly if I'm enough...for anyone...but especially for God. Do I do enough, love enough, forgive enough, confess enough, laugh enough, care enough, give enough...live enough? It's letting go of all that...but still knowing that tomorrow I may stumble...I may take a step backward...but that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human...a daughter of Adam in this crazy fallen world.
But the amazing thing, the lucid moment, is when I realize that one step backward doesn't have to turn into two...He's given me the freedom to turn that one step backward to infinite steps forward. There's hope, joy, mercy and unconditional love. I don't want to know what it's like to live a life that these things doesn't exist in...and I'm ecstatic that I never have to find out. He made sure of it. :-)
3.18.2009
Okay, after I write this, I'm going to bed. Two funny (well, one is gross) happened today. First, we'll get the gross one out of the way. Litle Miss Felicia (my friend's cat that I'm sitting for) got diarrhea all in one of my overnight bags...yeah, was very gross. I ended up having to throw the bag away. And I hope Fifi is okay; I hope that I don't have to take her to the vet. I have to keep an eye on her.
The funny thing that happened is that I realized that I'm totally following my own blog! I was trying to follow someone else's and clicked on myself instead...so I'm following my own blog! Yeah, only I can pull off such a feat.
Okay, it's been a very busy and weird day...I'm going to bed and hoping that tomorrow is alittle better. Also, my new cousin Stephanie (she married my cousin Brian) is going to have a baby tomorrow! She went in this morning so we expect little Michael to be here anytime now!
The funny thing that happened is that I realized that I'm totally following my own blog! I was trying to follow someone else's and clicked on myself instead...so I'm following my own blog! Yeah, only I can pull off such a feat.
Okay, it's been a very busy and weird day...I'm going to bed and hoping that tomorrow is alittle better. Also, my new cousin Stephanie (she married my cousin Brian) is going to have a baby tomorrow! She went in this morning so we expect little Michael to be here anytime now!
3.15.2009
Birthdays
I had a "My Bad" moment just now. On my facebook "status" I said that I was happy to not be planning my birthday party...well, that's true but I did have another offer...I just didn't think of it until just now! A friend of mine asked me at a previous birthday for a friend, what I wanted to do for my birthday. She could've seriously been asking so she could help with it. I guess that my head is still a little cloudy...however, my vacation really was awesome and cleared a lot of the cobwebs from my head! I wish I had more than one day at the beach but I had a great time with my family so I really can't complain. In just 7 days, it's hard to do all that I want to when I go to CA. There's always a lot of people to visit so it's kinda hard at times to do exactly what I want. But, I was able to do that this past week for a little bit and I'm better for it.
Anyway, the title of this blog is birthdays so let me get back to that...
I don't know why I'm so into birthdays...and mine in particular. I've tried really hard this year to not make mine so important...but I started to wonder today if anyone cared truly about it since no one was offering to plan it...well, they might have but I hadn't remembered until now (see "my bad" moment above). I hate that I can get so wound up about it when it's not so needed. I mean...I just got back from CA...why would I expect anyone to call me right away and ask about my birthday? I know...it sounds so selfish and vain and conceited. But, for some reason, I started to get upset that it seems everyone else's birthday was so important that a ton of people were present and I had six people only coming to mine. I know I shouldn't be that way...I know that...but when it comes to my birthday, I do get that way. Though I hate being that way and with the fact that I had just experienced a wonderful vacation, I still started to feel that my birthday wasn't as important as anyone elses. It's just a birthday for crying out loud! I need to give myself a good talking to for feeling that way even just a little bit. Goodness...there are people who can't even celebrate their birthdays! Why am I being so silly about it?!
At the end of all this, one thing really helped me to stop focusing on it...my mom called and said she was going to throw it and just to send an e-mail out to everyone I wanted to invite. That somehow gave me a lot of peace. Don't get me wrong, I love to plan birthdays and events for others, especially my friends. But when it comes to my birthday this year, I wanted someone else who loves me to plan it. And I think the right person is doing just that. She knows me the best of anyone. :-)
Anyway, the title of this blog is birthdays so let me get back to that...
I don't know why I'm so into birthdays...and mine in particular. I've tried really hard this year to not make mine so important...but I started to wonder today if anyone cared truly about it since no one was offering to plan it...well, they might have but I hadn't remembered until now (see "my bad" moment above). I hate that I can get so wound up about it when it's not so needed. I mean...I just got back from CA...why would I expect anyone to call me right away and ask about my birthday? I know...it sounds so selfish and vain and conceited. But, for some reason, I started to get upset that it seems everyone else's birthday was so important that a ton of people were present and I had six people only coming to mine. I know I shouldn't be that way...I know that...but when it comes to my birthday, I do get that way. Though I hate being that way and with the fact that I had just experienced a wonderful vacation, I still started to feel that my birthday wasn't as important as anyone elses. It's just a birthday for crying out loud! I need to give myself a good talking to for feeling that way even just a little bit. Goodness...there are people who can't even celebrate their birthdays! Why am I being so silly about it?!
At the end of all this, one thing really helped me to stop focusing on it...my mom called and said she was going to throw it and just to send an e-mail out to everyone I wanted to invite. That somehow gave me a lot of peace. Don't get me wrong, I love to plan birthdays and events for others, especially my friends. But when it comes to my birthday this year, I wanted someone else who loves me to plan it. And I think the right person is doing just that. She knows me the best of anyone. :-)
3.05.2009
Couldn't sleep
I couldn't sleep so I got up and did something about it...I deleted ALL of my internet dating site subscriptions. It's almost 2:30 a.m. in the morning and I got up to delete all my dating profiles and get myself off those sights. Not that they are terrible; many people find love there. But for me, for what I needed, I accomplished it so now I don't need it anymore. I've accomplished what I needed to accomplish so now I have to move on.
Why is it so hard for me sometimes to let go? I have so many people around me that are good examples of letting go and I just have the hardest time doing it. Letting go, moving on, progressing. It's like I'm not able to comprehend those words in a real sense...not in real life.
But then there are days when I see what I've done and who I am...and actually like myself. I can see that I am a good person and that God has eternally blessed me. Still, I will hold on to something that isn't good for me for dear life...even when I don't even want it. So, tonight, I stopped putting off what needed to happen: I cancelled myself. Now, I can start anew.
And, you know what? It feels kinda good. :-)
Why is it so hard for me sometimes to let go? I have so many people around me that are good examples of letting go and I just have the hardest time doing it. Letting go, moving on, progressing. It's like I'm not able to comprehend those words in a real sense...not in real life.
But then there are days when I see what I've done and who I am...and actually like myself. I can see that I am a good person and that God has eternally blessed me. Still, I will hold on to something that isn't good for me for dear life...even when I don't even want it. So, tonight, I stopped putting off what needed to happen: I cancelled myself. Now, I can start anew.
And, you know what? It feels kinda good. :-)
3.01.2009
To all my "Blessings"
Today’s blog (note)…and the only one for this week…is for everyone I can think of that has blessed my life. Regardless of where they are, who they are or if we are still close or not (distance-or-otherwise), I want to share with all just one thing for each person that has truly made me a better person…even if it meant showing me a fault, imperfection or area of my life that needed, well, tweaking. And if I forgot anyone, I will remember you and add you. It's almost midnight and I've been working on this off and on all day so please don't be upset if I forgot you. I haven't forgotten you...my brain is just a little tired and I need to post this so I can go to bed. So, here goes, to…
Mom…my inspiration
Dave…my strength
Dad…my protector
Aaron…my hard-working, admirable brother
Debbie…my creative step-sister
Brandie…my committed sister-in-law (a radiology degree and three kids, plus having to put up with my bro)
Jeff…my successful and sarcastic brother-in-law
Madeline…my grandmother who helps everyone
Donna…my grandmother who can do anything, like climb Mt. Whitney
Antone…my grandfather who never quits
Marilyn…my step-grandmother who is truly as sweet as pie
Destiny…for being my “Lil Miss”
Tony…for having that blonde curly hair, blue eyes and great personality
Hunter…for his smile and playful ways
Kaila…for being a good athlete and writing one of the best poems ever written
Jon…for becoming a good man
Kory…for being as cute as a button
Karen…my “favorite” aunt…she knows what that means
Bear…for having the best nickname in our family and being the best fishing buddy I could’ve ever asked for
Michael…whose face too easily reveals a mischievious smirk but is easy to forgive.
Lillian…who makes the best Lemon Meringue pie ever and has a great laugh
Jolene…who shows love to people and animals alike…and whose laugh I also love
Kyle…who is a proud Marine…and a good kid
Michaela…our Tinkerbelle…who has been through challenges no one should but has passed with flying colors
Brian…who is a good business man and will be a great husband and father
Shelly…for raising three kids
Lori…for making great decisions
Krissy…for being a strong woman in a man’s world and never letting anyone bring her down
Joannie…for loving her kids unconditionally
David…for being loving and a great cook
Danny…for experiencing life and surviving
Jimmy…my cousin who I never see but am proud of how he’s grown and who he is as a man
Jennie…my best friend, need I say more?
Jen…my best friend, the sequel
Alisa…the one who is always there, no matter the drama, and endures every “cake” reference thrown at her
Stacey…the one who I’m forever bonded to, respect, admire, adore, is wise beyond her years and will always be there for…no questions asked…even if it’s just to give her directions in a town that I don’t live in
Julie…the one who teaches me to be myself, always…and who has been a Godsend to my life
Beth…the one who is so easy to be friends with and is so fun to be with
April…the creative one who is real, genuine and can only be April
Denise…the one who has a knack for words, and for loving people
Angie…the one who has a gentle heart, loses her keys and her phone, but not her focus on God
and others
Liz…the one whose “dance” I’d miss, and the “greeting” of Elizabethtown
Jessica…the one who is beautiful inside and out
Michael…the funny one who married the beautiful inside and out one…and is one of the “good ones”
Patrick…the one who doesn’t let life get too serious…or me…and the one I call Patricia
Jason…the one who I can only say “Ta Later!” but always know will be there whenever anyone needs him
Blake…the one who jumped from my pages and taught me to look past appearances (Blake, you’ll have to ask Patrick, Alisa, Jen, Stacey or Shannon what that means)
Mike…the one whose knowledge amazes me
Rett…the one whose taught me about Poker…and how to have fun with just the guys
Rob…the one who makes my best friend the sequel very, very happy and is truly one of the “good ones”
Rebecca R…the momma that is adorable and the true meaning of a friend
Alonzo…the little boy of RR who made me fall in love with him…even when he’s being a little twerp.
Rebecca M…the roommate who inspires, loves and encourages all she meets
Shannon M…the one who taught me how to forgive
JT…the one who will always make me laugh
Nicole…the one with the smile and natural beauty
Amy Mac/Nak…the one who I adore and always puts a smile on my face when I see an e-mail or facebook message from her…a great mama.
Susan…the one whose heart will always stay intact even when broken…a great mama
Jamison…the wordsmith who makes me giggle when he says “swell.”
Cherrer…the one who challenges my faith and is true to himself and God
Matt M…the boyfriend who made me feel like a woman, not just a girl
Vernie…the boy who taught me that I could love
Ryan T…my first crush
Sebastian...my second crush
Michael S…my third crush
Ryan R…the one I should’ve never crushed on but ended up teaching me discernment…of who not to crush on
Bob…who makes Alisa deliriously happy and is just an awesome person to be around
Brian…who teaches everyone how to give
Pat S…our Mama Duck…who I’m forever grateful to for her guidance
Lucy…for being Lucy, the cat whose almost like a dog
Amy B…the one who always knew when I needed a hug, or to cry on her shoulder or an ice scream from DQ
Rinn C…the one who was there when no one else would be
Carrie…the one who is herself and is so gifted, even though she doesn’t know it
Emily B…who is a friend at all times and a very gifted writer
...to be continued...
Mom…my inspiration
Dave…my strength
Dad…my protector
Aaron…my hard-working, admirable brother
Debbie…my creative step-sister
Brandie…my committed sister-in-law (a radiology degree and three kids, plus having to put up with my bro)
Jeff…my successful and sarcastic brother-in-law
Madeline…my grandmother who helps everyone
Donna…my grandmother who can do anything, like climb Mt. Whitney
Antone…my grandfather who never quits
Marilyn…my step-grandmother who is truly as sweet as pie
Destiny…for being my “Lil Miss”
Tony…for having that blonde curly hair, blue eyes and great personality
Hunter…for his smile and playful ways
Kaila…for being a good athlete and writing one of the best poems ever written
Jon…for becoming a good man
Kory…for being as cute as a button
Karen…my “favorite” aunt…she knows what that means
Bear…for having the best nickname in our family and being the best fishing buddy I could’ve ever asked for
Michael…whose face too easily reveals a mischievious smirk but is easy to forgive.
Lillian…who makes the best Lemon Meringue pie ever and has a great laugh
Jolene…who shows love to people and animals alike…and whose laugh I also love
Kyle…who is a proud Marine…and a good kid
Michaela…our Tinkerbelle…who has been through challenges no one should but has passed with flying colors
Brian…who is a good business man and will be a great husband and father
Shelly…for raising three kids
Lori…for making great decisions
Krissy…for being a strong woman in a man’s world and never letting anyone bring her down
Joannie…for loving her kids unconditionally
David…for being loving and a great cook
Danny…for experiencing life and surviving
Jimmy…my cousin who I never see but am proud of how he’s grown and who he is as a man
Jennie…my best friend, need I say more?
Jen…my best friend, the sequel
Alisa…the one who is always there, no matter the drama, and endures every “cake” reference thrown at her
Stacey…the one who I’m forever bonded to, respect, admire, adore, is wise beyond her years and will always be there for…no questions asked…even if it’s just to give her directions in a town that I don’t live in
Julie…the one who teaches me to be myself, always…and who has been a Godsend to my life
Beth…the one who is so easy to be friends with and is so fun to be with
April…the creative one who is real, genuine and can only be April
Denise…the one who has a knack for words, and for loving people
Angie…the one who has a gentle heart, loses her keys and her phone, but not her focus on God
and others
Liz…the one whose “dance” I’d miss, and the “greeting” of Elizabethtown
Jessica…the one who is beautiful inside and out
Michael…the funny one who married the beautiful inside and out one…and is one of the “good ones”
Patrick…the one who doesn’t let life get too serious…or me…and the one I call Patricia
Jason…the one who I can only say “Ta Later!” but always know will be there whenever anyone needs him
Blake…the one who jumped from my pages and taught me to look past appearances (Blake, you’ll have to ask Patrick, Alisa, Jen, Stacey or Shannon what that means)
Mike…the one whose knowledge amazes me
Rett…the one whose taught me about Poker…and how to have fun with just the guys
Rob…the one who makes my best friend the sequel very, very happy and is truly one of the “good ones”
Rebecca R…the momma that is adorable and the true meaning of a friend
Alonzo…the little boy of RR who made me fall in love with him…even when he’s being a little twerp.
Rebecca M…the roommate who inspires, loves and encourages all she meets
Shannon M…the one who taught me how to forgive
JT…the one who will always make me laugh
Nicole…the one with the smile and natural beauty
Amy Mac/Nak…the one who I adore and always puts a smile on my face when I see an e-mail or facebook message from her…a great mama.
Susan…the one whose heart will always stay intact even when broken…a great mama
Jamison…the wordsmith who makes me giggle when he says “swell.”
Cherrer…the one who challenges my faith and is true to himself and God
Matt M…the boyfriend who made me feel like a woman, not just a girl
Vernie…the boy who taught me that I could love
Ryan T…my first crush
Sebastian...my second crush
Michael S…my third crush
Ryan R…the one I should’ve never crushed on but ended up teaching me discernment…of who not to crush on
Bob…who makes Alisa deliriously happy and is just an awesome person to be around
Brian…who teaches everyone how to give
Pat S…our Mama Duck…who I’m forever grateful to for her guidance
Lucy…for being Lucy, the cat whose almost like a dog
Amy B…the one who always knew when I needed a hug, or to cry on her shoulder or an ice scream from DQ
Rinn C…the one who was there when no one else would be
Carrie…the one who is herself and is so gifted, even though she doesn’t know it
Emily B…who is a friend at all times and a very gifted writer
...to be continued...
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