A Lucid Moment

Today was filled with several lucid moments....meaning I got it. I got it today; I wasn't angry or confused or upset or disappointed or overly (ir)rational about anything. I got it today.

One of the things I really got was what each day in our lives is supposed to be about. I can easily get caught up in the negative things in life. I can see the negative more than the positive a lot of the time. I get wrapped up in the drama; and most of the time it isn't my own. I've tried hard to get out of that pattern...but you know what I realized today? Some drama is okay. It's okay to be a part of someone's life at times that it's unstable. It's okay to be Miss 911, when it's really and truly needed. It's good to know that it's not about how hurt a friend makes you; it's about the hours that they've allowed you to cry on their shoulder when you really needed it. It's not about how you aren't married yet or haven't experienced a good romantic relationship; it's about how to appreciate those in your life who you do have a good friendship and relationship with. It's not about pointing the figure at everyone else or at yourself; it's about forgiving them and you. It's not about expecting the people around you to be the perfect spiritual leader, mentor, teacher or friends; it's about knowing that everyone has a bad day but that doesn't mean they are a bad person. It's about loving, giving, serving, caring, sharing and living your life truly honest...truly trusting and forgiving. It's not about what happened in your past that was awful; it doesn't define you. It tells you where you've been and where you came from but not necessarily who you are; and it doesn't tell you that every person in your past is going to reappear in your future, with the same intention to hurt you. It is about moving forward; about learning but being a better person today than what you were yesterday.

For me, that's letting go of wondering constantly if I'm enough...for anyone...but especially for God. Do I do enough, love enough, forgive enough, confess enough, laugh enough, care enough, give enough...live enough? It's letting go of all that...but still knowing that tomorrow I may stumble...I may take a step backward...but that doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me human...a daughter of Adam in this crazy fallen world.

But the amazing thing, the lucid moment, is when I realize that one step backward doesn't have to turn into two...He's given me the freedom to turn that one step backward to infinite steps forward. There's hope, joy, mercy and unconditional love. I don't want to know what it's like to live a life that these things doesn't exist in...and I'm ecstatic that I never have to find out. He made sure of it. :-)