Okay...so I survived the storm.

Hi. I'm still here. I didn't get blown away; my cable and electricity didn't even go out. I don't know why storms scare me so much. I just hate that I am afraid of them. We all have our fears so I'll just have to deal with it.

I wanted to put my story from the other night on my blog. My mind keeps volleying the idea back and forth; I feel like I'm at a tennis match. I don't care so much that it's not that well-written(it was 11 p.m. at night and I was tired); it's just what it says. I think more people know about this blog now and to be so open - in that particular way - is a little scary. And it's something I can use in a future story; exploring the inside of people who feel this way. I know and I'm old enough to handle it now. There's been enough time and enough healing. That's how I feel, at least. I don't know. I think I should read it again. It might take a couple more times. In the meantime, I need to concern myself with Alexis, Will and Lacey - the characters in my current story which I realized too late was due last Monday, not this coming Monday. Oopsy.

Maybe I should move...

We are under a t...watch until 9 p.m. tonight. The other t-word; not thunderstorm, though those come first. I really hate this. It's so scary. I try not to be scared but nothing seems to work. Maybe I should move out of Indiana and back to CA. Maybe I don't belong here. I mean, I haven't been able to get past this fear. It turns me inside out, every time. I try to be calm and keep my mind off of it, but it doesn't work. It's so scary.

I have plans tonight but I don't want to go. I want to stay home, in my basement. But the storms will be here before I go to work. And being here with a lot of people here is more soothing than at home alone - at least, here I'm with people I love.

Change the subject...maybe that will help. :-)

I just read a story online on Eva Longoria and her "connection" to Hayden Christensen (you know, Anakin Skywalker-turned-Darth Vader). Okay, so he's a hottie and she's a hottie but them together - makes my stomach turn. Yuck! Who knows if it's really true but yuck. They don't even seem to match in any way. I don't know; I guess stars just have no parameters on who they date. As long as their "beautiful" and pretty famous at the time, it doesn't matter to them. It seems that Eva doesn't know what she wants and is going after the hot guy at the time. However, I guess it's what "normal" women and men do before they find the right one: date. But it always looks like they make out first and date later. What's that all about? Sounds kinda fishy to me but to each his own, I guess.

No, you know what? I think it's wrong. You should date someone because there's a connection between you that's strong; that could lead to marraige. People date for the fun of it now; well, more so than before. That's not right. Divorce is rampant. People don't make the right decision when it comes to their social life because they don't see it as important. Divorce is seen as okay; and it is not okay. It should be for only the worst of circumstances; not a "well, if it doesn't work out, we can always divorce." This thought comes out of the this rampant "non-chalance" about dating. Eva is gorgeous and I'm sure Hayden would love nothing more than to say he "dated" her (and vice versa for Eva). But if they are dating then I hope it's for reasons that are real - and not publicity-related. It's just icky that way. And, again, who knows if it's even true.

And I shouldn't care much about who dates who in Hollywood; it's kind of a given that lots of yucky things happen there. And though all of us have wanted to be a part of it in some way at some point in our lives - to be famous - I'm glad that I'm not connected in any way (not that I ever could be - I'm not an actress; I ballroom dance great but not great enough; and my stories will probably never be published to the point that people know my name). :-)

Couldn't sleep...

So much was running through my head, and from my eyes. I didn't want to cry myself to sleep so the thought I was having had to be put on paper. I wrote it down. I wrote something down last night. And then I fell asleep, not crying. I also read it when it was finished. It soothed me - which, if you read it, may seem demented of me. But it was only on paper. It was out of my head and wasn't as real anymore. I know that sounds weird but sometimes writing something down releases it from my subconscious and makes it more ordinary. Yes, there are times when I write things down that become more real. But the realness of those stories always serves a good purpose. The stories that I write down and feel a "release" from, are usually something my subconscious is trying to hold me down with. So, without trying to sound demented again, it filled me with ease to see it on paper, and out of my head.

It's scary in a way, too. Because though I'm "over" it, I still have a connection to it that's very real. However, I am beginning to see it as a positive; whereas I was afraid of it before. I'm not so much now. It's become an asset. How, I'm not sure. But it is one. I can talk about it, write about it and think about it now without really ever being concerned that I might do it. I know how it feels; and as I read the words I wrote afterwards, I can see that that reality makes the words real - to everyone, not just myself. People can identify with it; it's not unrealistic. It's real because it really happened to me; maybe not in that exact way but it reflects the reality of my situation from then to now.

In a way, I feel reborn. Not so much a completely different person; but I feel different in a way that I've never felt before. I still have anger and resentment but it's much less than before. And it's much more in a good way than in a bad. I don't blame those within the anger and resentment, just the circumstances that led there. I think that it's good that the anger and resentment is not towards the people anymore but towards that force out there that is evil, controlling those circumstances. But he will never win; because He who is in me is greater than he who is of the world. And he tries really hard; but He has already won.

I want to write my story here but I'm not so sure that I should. Though I know of only one person who actually reads this, the thought of putting this little excerpt on the web for anyone and everyone to see, is hard to fathom. It opens me up to strangers a little too much. But then again, it could help someone. Someone can identify with it and see that things aren't always as bad as they seem. Sometimes we just can't see beyond our own noses and interpret things totally and completely wrong.

I can't decide right now. I don't even have it with me. I will have to wait until later, tomorrow maybe. I don't know.

Oh yeah, the new job...

It isn't great but it will do. It will keep me busy and get a foot in the door. the only reason why I say it isn't great is two things: it's a temporary part-time job (no more than 35 hours a week for a period of 3-5 months) and the pay is only $9 an hour with no benefits. Other than that, it is a step in the right direction: Journalism. I still have to have a second job, part-time; and I still have to keep looking for the full-time, with benefits position that can dove-tail to a good career - one that would get me out of debt and relying totally and completely on myself (well, with God, too, of course) - not my parents or my family or friends in any financial way. That's what I want. I want to be able to pay off my credit cards, move into my own place (buy, not rent) and be able to have a savings plan for the future: my family, my future kids (if that's in God's plan for my life), and my retirement. That's it. That's all I want. I don't want to be famous or have lots and lots of money. Money is nice because everything costs money; but it isn't the only thing. So if I can just have enough to not be indebted to anybody or any institution, then I'll be doing very well.

I want to be able to give to charities and volunteer more easily. Because I have so much debt, I find that it's difficult for me to do that because I have to work to pay my bills. And now, that's going to be so much more important now. How did I get myself into this mess? I know I can get out of it but it's going to take a while and I'm not sure how it's going to happen. Maybe I AM destined to write "The Great American Novel." Who knows? But, then again, I don't want to be a one-hit wonder either. I want to write more than one, if that's myu niche in life. And I want it to touch people; even if my story changes one persons life, it would be all worth it. Boy, have I got a lot of research to do. Both stories I'm working on have possibilities and that really excites me. I just hope that I'm not getting my hopes up; because I love these characters and want people to love them, too.

Well, I better get to it, huh? There's no time like the present. I'm done with work today so I should use this time productively.

New job, still anxious but that could be the thunderstorm that's looming...

Have I told you that I hate thunderstorms? Well, in case I haven't, I do. I really, really do. I've lived here 8 years and though I think at times that I've gotten over them, I really haven't. I can stay calm only so long; and usually only if I'm with a lot of friends around me. Still, even at Bible study the other night, I was very aware of what was going on outside. And really, I don't think it's the thunderstorm itself but the possibility of the damaging wind called tor..... See, I can't even write the word. It scares me so. I know that if it's my time, it's my time. But I also don't want to be stupid. I need to be safe, too. It's just a part of life.

I'm going to be unsettled for the rest of the day. I know that I will make it through the night and the storms but for some reason I still get anxious. I guess it's just one of those things that each of us have, those anxieties, fears. Everyone has them. Even those people who go on "Fear Factor." There's something they are afraid of. Maybe they aren't afraid of what they have to do on the show, but that doesn't mean that "fear isn't a factor for them." Maybe they're afraid of committment, of saying the wrong things. Everyone is afraid of something. And the t-word just happens to be mine.

Woo Hoo!

On a day that finds the first bits of anxiety creeping in, I got some good news - finally. No, it wasn't a prospective employer but it was exciting news all the same. I had been dreading reading an e-mail from a very important person in my life right now. I had thought it would be negative and so I waited to read it until I knew that I absolutely had to: today. But I was pleasantly surprised: she liked it, in her words that she capitalized, A LOT! Yay! It's such good news!

I guess I should explain who this person is, huh? She's my writing instructor. I turned in my last assignment in late March and received her response pretty quickly. But once I looked at the article and her notes, I didn't want to look into the letter she sent (they are sent with every corrected article with further details of their instruction). I read the letter for the first time this morning. She loved my story idea, the characters and the way I wrote it; she just didn't like where I started it. Whew! I thought that she had hated everything. But she actually wrote that she couldn't wait to read the finished product. How cool is that? :-)

I keep dissing myself and my talent. I have a friend who is really gifted and even she's had trouble getting her stories published. I figured that since I know I'm not as good as her that there was no way, even with completing this class, that I would ever be published. I thought that I had tried really hard but failed with my last assignment. But that isn't true; it's just my insecurity getting the better of me.

So though I haven't had anybody call wanting to bring me in for an interview yet, this is good. I'm inspired to write this story; to be patient with God's will; to be proactive and positive in everything I do; and to give myself the credit that's due.

Funny, the last statement from my previous post has just been proven. God uses people you wouldn't of guessed He would in your wildest dreams. :-)

A little anxious...

I'm trying not to be but I am getting a little anxious. It's never taken this long for me to hear from possible employers, especially for the ones that require you to e-mail your resume. The majority of jobs I've found have wanted resumes and cover letters e-mailed to them. I have sent in between 15-20 resumes in the past week and none have responded. Some say it's too early; but others say that for the ones that were advertising for an immediate opening and that I qualify for, I should have heard something by now. That unsettles me. I want to have a job by June. I don't want to go into June having to take the time I have "off" to find a job. I don't have that luxury. I'm still doing Mary Kay and I will help Barbara part-time at the studio but that won't give me what I need to get out of debt, pay my bills and my car payments. I am calm mostly still but the anxiety is inching up. It's there, simmering. I don't want it to do any more than that. I keep praying and staying positive. It's hard - but I know that if I didn't have my credit cards to deal with, I would be even calmer. It's those things that are making me anxious. The other bills I can deal with. The credit cards are too out of control; I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO FIND A JOB BY JUNE 1. There is no if's, and's or but's about it. Somebody just has to want me and see that I am a good worker and that I can be great at certain jobs; but that may require them taking a chance because a lot of things I'm great at I've not actually had a job in. I'm hoping that I find this person/company soon. Until then, I'll keep applying to everywhere in town and out of town. :-)

Can you spell C-H-A-N-G-E?

Where to start? I guess I'll begin with my job situation; I resigned Monday from my position. Yeah, it was hard but it was mutual. This seems to be my favorite new word: mutual. I'm not so sure that all the parties will know how mutual it is (or was) but it's good that everyone is in agreement and is on fairly good terms. There's also been other shake-ups but I'm not allowed to speak about those openly yet - so I won't. :-)

I am looking for jobs right now; I even applied to ESPN. Yeah, that was a total off-the-wall application; I would love to work there somehow but I have no experience so I don't know if they'll even look at my resume seriously at all. I'm assuming they won't. But at least my name is out there - maybe for later. I have to do more applications today but so far I haven't even gotten a response from anyone I've already applied to - even the "immediate" openings ones; I usually don't have to wait this long. So, I'm getting slightly anxious. But, it is early and it may take a week for some businesses to even start to look at resumes submitted. I just have to exercise extreme patience.

I also have one other very large decision to make because of all of this - and that is my living situation. After asking my real estate management company a barrage of questions, I have come to see that the best deal for me may not be the best deal for my roommate. I'm taking hte rest of the week to think it over; in and out, upside down and around. Before I make a decision, I have to make sure I've looked at every option and can easily stand by what I decide - even if there is opposition. It will just depend on what I think is best for me right now and if that decision is not best for someone else.

And I'm dealing with the fact that I 'm disappointed in a few "friends" who haven't even talked to me about my situation; friends that are close. I'm trying to figure out how to handle that and have come to the conclusion that I can't care about that. I have something more important to do - and that is find a job so I can pay my bills. And I have to keep Christ in the center of all of it; I can't have these negative feelings towards friends if I don't know what is going on in their lives. But I can be thankful for the friends that have e-mailed me everyday (or called me) to encourage me or give me info about those jobs. Right now, God has put them in my life to help me. I can't wait until I can return the favor. :-) They don't know how much they are helping.

I have learned that everyone needs to do certain things on their own; however, that doesn't mean they don't need encouragement and a friendly face once in awhile. A hug from a friend or a short telephone call for encouragement can help someone get the lift they need to press on and not give up. And I've had that from others so I need to quit complaining and realize that God really does work in mysterious ways; and with people we would never guess.

Wrong decision or regret?

I am fighting inside a gut-wrenching war - against myself. I don't know which end is up and what decisions are right. I feel guilty for letting people down; but it was the right decision to make, right? So why am I crying so much and why does it hurt so much? Why does everything today look completely opposite from yesterday? Am I feeling regret? Was it the wrong decision to make? Or am I just lacking enough confidence in myself?

Only one thing is really clear: I miss it - a lot. Dancing. It gets harder and harder every time the subject comes up. It's like my insides are being torn apart to the point that it makes me physically nauseous at times. Why can't I just forget about it, leave it alone? I can't do it anymore - not like I could before, not up to my standards. Physically, I'm still injured and always will be injured. It's not an injury that can be fixed; can get back to 100%. There are studies to show it; I can get back to 80, maybe 90% but that's as far as anyone has ever gotten. And that isn't enough to be able to do what I did. I was good, too. Maybe not the best or the greatest but definitely gifted. I was always a klutz at home but could find some kind of gracefulness on the dance floor. It was so much easier to dance than it was to walk.

I love it so much but I've asked God to take it away. I can't love something this much and be tortured the rest of my life because I can't do it. It's that upsetting to me. There are really some nights that I cry myself to sleep at night because of it. My former colleagues and students frequently ask me back to the studio but I rarely go. I probably average about 4-6 times a year. It's that hard. And each time I go, it gets harder to leave. But I have to because I cannot do it like before. Dancing is the one thing that I have to be perfect at while I'm doing it; nothing else really matters in that way to me. Though I desire to have a family and that sort of life, not having that right now is okay. Not being able to dance, that isn't so okay. It's torture.

Last week, I had some discomfort in my back (my injury). I didn't do much physical stuff at all and I was paying attention to how I walked, sat, bent down, etc. My back wasn't hurting because of those physical things; it was hurting because of stress. There is just so much going on that I could barely breathe or find the time to even sit down and eat a meal. And it's only going to continue for the next couple weeks; even without the addition of the activity I gave up. I can't dance if my back is out. I can't leave the people who are depending on me in a lurch; no matter what it is. And this would kill me in this situation. Plus, there are less than three weeks until the event; and still no word on when we're supposed to get together. I can't just learn something that I've never done in one rehearsal and remember it well enough to perform in front of 3,000 people. It's not how I work. And, I'm already busy with another ministry that I wouldn't have time to go to rehearsals.

But this morning I found myself in tears. I was so upset and so affected by some scriptures that were read at the end of staff devotions this morning. The lesson I got from them was that I'm not trusting God to take care of everything - including this. I'm not trusting Him to see me through this; instead I'm worrying about stressing so much that I'll end up injuring myself even more. And then, a thought came to me: Though my back was worse then than it is now, I was still able to dance on stage for Face 2 Face last May. I gave it my all and gave it all for Him. I trusted Him; and I really believed that the people who prayed over me were powerful. Not because of themselves but because they were praying in the name of the Lord. I believed that he would heal me enough to get through the performance.

I don't feel that now; I'm not believing that. Why? Why can't I just let God heal me again? Provide healing through the stress that is to come. I want to do it; I really, really do. But I decided, after how I felt last weekend, that I had to say no. It's too soon and it's too soon. I wasn't asked in time and I'm not as well as I thought. But is that all me talking? Or is that God telling me to be careful and patient - that this isn't the right time to try again?

But the scriptures were so real and so penetrating. So should I say yes, again, and hope to get through it? Or do I say no still - remembering that we had some great rehearsals for F2F so by the time the day of the event came it was clearly Satan trying to make me not go through with it; I knew it all by heart by then; and I've never been a lyrical dancer so how am I to learn a dance that is so foreign to me in so short a time? Amanda is amazing; she is so talented and skilled. I don't feel very worthy to be dancing with her, around her or for her. I respect her and her gift that much.

But am I still putting God in a little box? Does He need me to use what little gift I have left for His kingdom? Am I really fighting Him - and not myself? To some, this whole situation may seem trivial. But put yourself in my shoes - what is it that you truly love, adore and feel the most alive doing? Now think about how you would feel if it was all taken away - and that it was because you made a mistake, not anyone else, that it was taken away? My injury is my fault - totally and completely. I live with that everyday. I tell myself, "You can't blame anyone but yourself. You didn't release your hands in time. You didn't keep your head up. And it was you that panicked, not anyone else." It's a hard reality. And I've tried to close that book in my life. But it keeps opening up: do I slam it shut or is there a reason it keeps opening? I don't have much time to figure it out. I jsut need to lean on my faith again. I know that God will show me through my faith. Maybe something will happen today in our worship staff meeting; maybe they'll ask. Should I point them here? Or should I try to explain it to them, tears and all? I guess I'll know when it's time.

Birthday and Boys

So, I've been a little busy of late. This is my first entry in two months and one day. :-)

Yesterday marked my 29th birthday. Yep, I'm 29 - for the first time. :-) It's become a joke with my friends and I now. It's kinda fun to joke about ages. I still don't look my age but I'm coming to the conclusion that that's a good thing. :-) It was a good day all around. I even had some really good friends come over to celebrate with me. However, one thing came out of one of our conversations that disappointed me about a "friend" not present - and it was, of course, a boy.

You know, boys suck. :-) Why is it that most of the time us women want to be friends with guys that really just suck? Even if we are strictly only wanting to be friends, they still suck.

Case in point, my "so-called" non-present "friend." Apparently, he's been making fun of me behind my back to people that know me. I had to find this out from a mutual friend of ours at my birthday party last night. This is the guy that doesn't acknowledge, accept or give out apologies and will only joke with you if you don't joke with him. I'm starting to feel regret that I ever met the guy! And he's a Christian! But a good (and very wise) friend of mine reminded me that "just being a Christian does not a good guy make...you're also an adult, as is this guy I’m assuming [he's 9 years older], so the whole making fun of someone behind their back and acting like their friend in front of them thing should be something they got over a long time ago... don’t know why we’re always attracted to these kinds of people; I think it’s the innate spirit of a woman to be loving and caring and nurturing, and we are attracted to the people that most need our nurturing…even though they probably ‘deserve’ it even less than most!"

Did I tell you that she was wise? :-) I've learned to get over things lately; so I'll just get over this one. It still is a little hurtful, though. I will just have to accept that these types of people exist and just expect this type of continued behavior from him. It's sad, though. We could've been good friends; and dang the luck - I still don't have anyone to go to games with. It was so nice that he totally accepted me for who I was: a girl who enjoyed to watch sports as much as the guys; and I'm somewhat attractive to boot! So it's not like I look like a guy or anything and he wouldn't want to be seen with me. So, I guess he really doesn't accept me for who I am - unless it's as a punchline.

You know, there are guys out there that love me to go to games with them, platonically. And I know there is that really special guy that is meant to be my soulmate, who will accept me just how I am - sports fanatic and all. I haven't found either one back here yet, apparently. I have to continue to be patient and not let these things deter me any. So, dude, if you're reading this - you've just about lost someone that could've been a good friend to you.


What am I saying? I doubt he'll ever read this. Only a hand full of friends know that this blog exists. :-)

Late start

I haven't posted anything on my blog, as you can see, for 3 months and 22 days. I've been a little busy. A lot of things have happened since then, too. Yeah, it's a new year but I think my new year started way before tradition. All these things I'm about to expunge to this website have nothing to do with new years resolutions - they're just life observances.

First, I'm so glad to have made certain decisions last year that, while I actually made them, I was still doubtful. How can you make a decision that you doubt even while making it? These, it seems, are the only kind I know how to make. Today, I sit before you typing and know that at least one of those was the right decision. Although financially I may be in a bind, it's necessary for me to "grow up" and "move up" from who I am and where I am in life. I'm moving out; no more roommates. It's not that I don't like my roommate; we're both working hard to make sure we continue to be friends after I move out. But there are some differences between us at our life points right now. It isn't fair for either of us to impose upon the other. Compromise is a great thing; until one feels the other is making them do it too much - which I believe is what has started to happen with both of us.

I can't really afford to go it on my own but I have to; it is the only way for me to truly learn to stand on my own once and for all. Make no mistake; I do not want to do so forever. I know that God has given me the desire to have a family, husband and all. But I have to make some "sins" right before that can happen. One of those is pulling myself out of debt. It's high but rather statistical. I am part of the majority of Americans - in debt, that is. But it only takes discipline, desire and patience to fix it. And I have to develop a lot of all of those beginning this year. I fully know that it will take a few years to succeed; I just don't want to wait any longer to start the process.

I have also begun a healthier lifestyle for two reasons: to finally get a handle on my lower back and upper neck injury, and treat my temple as it should be treated. God gave me this body to take care of for a short period of time. I need to treat it as God would. And, it seems, as I have changed what I eat, my body is rejecting the foods that are unhealthy. I can't have a sandwich at a fast food restaurant anymore without getting naucious. That's pretty telling. I'm not a health nut by any means but I have been paying particular attention to the food pyramid and you know what I found out - it works! By golly, it really works! And since I've given up soda pretty much completely, I'm drinking bad drinks way less and water way more. I actually feel better and don't snack as much since doing so. I had a little relapse today though; I was craving protein and flavor so I stopped by Wendy's and ordered a Spicy Chicken Sandwich - my favorite. However, I'm naucious now. All that grease and super spicy stuff isn't good for me and that's what my body is reminding me of at this moment.

I have to stop here and change the subject. There's something that has been bothering me. I haven't been able to see my friends to talk to them about it and I really have to get it off my chest, so here goes:

I was contacted through e-mail from a friend of mine that I haven't seen since the day after he came out of a coma over three years ago. We e-mailed for awhile after he recovered but he kinda stopped responding over a year ago (maybe two years by now). I'm not sure what to make of it. He said, and I quote, "I know we haven't talked in forever but I really valued your friendship and I don't want to lose contact with you." Really? Why now? I e-mailed him back, opening by saying, "I didn't continue to e-mail you because I figured that if you wanted to keep in contact, you'd know how to get a hold of me. I'm always here for my friends, past or present. :-) " And I am - but he hasn't responded back yet. I fear that our friendship, while it was close back then, will never be that way again. And I've had too many friendships fall by the wayside because though I was willing to "be a friend to make a friend," they didn't do the same. I don't want to be a doormat - especially to him. We were close. He could talk to me about stuff and I could talk to him. It was one of those guy-girl relationships that didn't have to be romantic to work. At one point, we both felt that way but it was obvious that our relationship wasn't going that way. For one thing, I was not interested in being with someone that didn't totally and completely know where he stood with God; and for two, he got in a bad car accident and almost died. Like I said, I haven't actually seen him since the day he woke up from his coma - 13 days after his initial accident. That was a big sign. But I miss him; I miss our friendship and just the person who he is; I like being around him, as most people did and probably still do. But I don't want to be dragged through an e-mail relationship like the one we had after his accident. It's too hard. It would be hard if he just stopped responding again, like maybe he already has. I know he's a boy and that's just how they are. But I look at friends differently; especially ones that I was close with or am close to. And he was one of those so I expect more than just an e-mail every couple months or couple years saying "I valued your friendship and don't want to lose contact." Hasn't that already happened?

I'm trying not to be harsh in my decisions but life has been harsh to me lately. And a friend not really connecting back to me really isn't very helpful. I don't know; maybe I'm just thinking to much. I'm just scared that this person that I truly loved is still able to hurt me - and I don't want that to happen again. I've lost too many friendships in my life for me to allow it to continue - and this one would be hard to lose - again.

Okay, so now that that's off my chest, I feel a little better. But I know I won't feel completely better until I take it to God. I really need to pray about it seriously. What if he's reaching out to me because I'm the only one that can help him or that he can trust? I don't want to miss the opportunity to help anyone - including and especially him. He didn't say anything about himself so maybe he was just feeling me out, making sure that he can still trust me. I hope my e-mail to him reassures him of my friendship; even with my doubts that its really the start of a new friendship. So many times things like this have happened and gone nowhere. Honestly, the telephone is so much better than e-mail. Typed words are so unpersonal. Real friends, I'm starting to believe, stay friends because they talk to each other over the phone or make a point to spend time with each other. That's the kind of friend that I want to be and that I hope my friends want to be, too.

Okay, well, I really have to stop now because I have to finish my work so I can get to the Chiropractor's office.

Motivaton

I have chills right now - and it's not from the cold. If I ever needed motivation for anything, I just got it, from an unexpected person. I will not go into detail to protect the person's privacy but our devotions today were about personal "hurricanes." And someone shared theirs in such an open, honest and beautiful way. Ironically, it put everything into perspective for me. Yeah, that sounds selfish but it isn't. It was a kind of 2x4 from God, saying, "Wake up, girl! This is what you need to think about and to write about." I found my voice; I don't mean in the traditional writing way. I mean that what I want and need to have entertwined in my stories is the human condition. Even if it's a totally off-the-wall setting or situation, the underlying theme needs to be something to do with everyday feelings, emotions and, ultimately, how we have separated ourselves from God - bringing us to our current meager existance.

That's who Ellen is. She is the example, extreme I'll agree, but nevertheless the perfect example of our separation from God and our desire to find our way back to him. It's going to take work to get her there; but she can be saved just as easily and we can be. And my personal faith needs to be a part of her character. It is what I know the most about - how someone doesn't know Him but knows He exists. But, personally, I think I kind of stopped when I found out who He was. I haven't kept up my relationship in the way that He, or I, would like. Today's devotion convicted me deeply of that; and how I need to take it easy on my friends 'cause though I don't see my friends in the way that was discussed, they are still my friends. It might just take me opening my eyes to see that.

So now that I know why I haven't been able to let go of this story or this character, I better get back to it, huh? :-)

Why Can't I See the Future?

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. Of course, then I think, "What if I don't like the future looks like?" I mean, look around us. Some of us, like myself, have become oblivious to just how bad things are. I live in the nation that was once feared (at least, after the H-bomb). In history, we are the only ones to use a weapon of that magnitude against anybody; and once used, the world grew silent. Because we all realized that, though it stopped a war, it could have been the beginning of the end for many of the world. Now, it seems that no one is afraid of us. We can see that democracy is not perfect; but it's still the best government we have. In our country, though, the reason it was created and based upon has gotten lost. It's so sad. And then again can't we all see that it was bound to happen especially with the way that it was created? This country was founded as a religious haven to all, not just the Christians. It was founded on Christian beliefs and by those who were followers of Christ; but they went one step further and opened their borders to all religions - it says so in the Constitution itself. At some point, there is going to be conflict between those religions - and guess what - the Constitution allows it. But what angers me is that the whole purpose, reason, the one religion that this country was found upon is the one that is becoming "not acceptable." Are we so far removed from our birth that we don't know the One who gave us life? This country is a gift from God; though you can argue that it wasn't a gift at all with the way we stole it from the native peoples. Yes, I said "we." I'm as much to blame as anyone. You see, my family gets it's main roots from the Portuguese and historically, the Portuguese were the first to bring slaves out of Africa. Though my family didn't come to this country until the early 1900's our heritage is not so wonderful either because of slavery. I'm not saying that we ever had slaves back there because I don't know much of my family beyond my great grandfather - but we belong to a race who did. I'm sure if you take every race who has come to this country to flee religious persecution, you will see some of the same type of violent history in them, too. So, if you broke it down and thought of it in simple terms, human beings are guilty of much oppression within it's own race.

How sick that makes me sometimes. Especially since I know that I'm no better. I don't believe in slavery in any form (whether it's sweat shops, gangs, etc.) nor do I like any kind of war. But what makes me no better is that I don't contribute in ways that I am able to where I am at. Like most others, I am for myself an aweful lot of the time. I am clouded to everything else. I say the next thing with a little hesitation because I don't want anyone to groan - but of late I've been watching a lot of Star Wars so what I'm about to say will reflect that: when I said clouded, it's like this dark side has obstructed my view; I can't see anything paste this dense cloud surrounding the Force of my life (it occured to me last night, too, that George Lucas needs to give some props to God; a lot of the story is reminiscent of the birth of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior and God's own Son sent to save us from ourselves). Here's what I mean: I want to be in love. I want to be married and have kids. I want to see if that is really and truly in my future. On the other hand, what if, no matter how hard I try, my marraige fails and my kids don't turn out well. I don't want that. I don't want to see that; if I did I would have no hope for the future. And isn't hope something we all need? Jesus gives me hope that no matter how much I screw up, if I believe in Him and try my best I will have eternal life. But, on this earth I will have no hope if I have nothing here to hope for. Is that a good thing? Right now, I don't think so because hope is a way to bring people to Christ. They can find rest, hope in Him. So if I don't have any hope then how am I supposed to affect the kingdom? So, maybe seeing the future isn't that great of a desire; no matter how I struggle with my thoughts of a future love, children and grandchildren. It's a struggle that I want to have; if it's in God's Will for me to give others hope. Because that's what I can do: hope for the future. I can't see the future so I can hope and pray and believe that it will be better and be good; I can be positive in these times of uncertainty, war and hatred and pull my fellow neighbors out of their dark sides so they can see the Son, and live wealthy through Him.

After the waves

I am back from vacation; and it's a life-altering return. My vacation could have included many other things but it consisted of all the things that I "needed" as opposed to what I wanted. And that's okay with me. The ten minutes I spent walking along the beach was enough for me to realize certain things about myself, my place in my job, my relationships with my friends and my purpose in life. Yeah, kind of deep, huh? I'm not really a deep person; I'm an emotional person but not a very deep one. I think I just found my inner deepness - if that's even a word.

I also found my version of Willoway Brook. It's Bird Rock on 17 Mile Drive in Monterey, CA (if you're picky, it's probably technically Pacific Grove but whatever). I only walked it for 10 minutes but to take a few deep breaths of crisp ocean air (as deep as anyone with a bad cold could) was really revitalizing. The soft sand churning beneath my feet, which were carefully avoiding the jellyfish washed up along the shore (they sting even when they're dead or dying); my eyes finding small muscle shells devoid of their previous owner but beautiful when reflecting the light of the sun. I brought the first one (and the smallest) I found home with me. It sits on my dresser in my bedroom. Each time I walk by I'm reminded of the precious time I spent walking on that stretch of beach, climbing a few of the rocks to watch the waves crash against them, the salty water filling the many small tide pools in between and around, missing me completely. But it was dangerously close to high tide so back to the high beach I walked avoiding this time the seeweed displaced from it's ocean home. There were only two women who walked past me and huddled between two rocks further up and higher on the beach, reading thier books. But, besides them, it was only me - and my breathing and my heart beating. In the background, there was the sound of the small waves rolling continuously toward the beach and a seagull's squack in the distance but other than that it was just me, for once, at peace. I grew up close to the ocean. I never lived more than 2 1/2 hours away - but it wasn't until those very ten minutes that I remember feeling so connected to it. At first I thought that it was just because it was the first time in awhile that I was able to be alone and without stress. But there was just something about it that was different. And then I realized that I was an idiot. If you look in my bedroom today, you can see just how much I really love the ocean. I have pictures on my wall of it; my bed linens and bedspread is named "Blue Lagoon," there are parfait glasses filled with colored sand to match the bedspread, and I even have a small Yankee candle that smells like ocean water (with the same name). And if you could look into my head and see what I have planned to add to my room, you'll see visions of palm tree leaves lining the top of the three full walls of my bedroom as the border. I am in love with the ocean and I never knew it. No wonder I felt so at peace; I've missed it so much that I've been trying to replicate it in my own home! And, by extension, my office. Everything is blue, like the ocean. Coincidence? Maybe. But I think that my subconscious is working overtime to give me a sense of peace any way it can. I do feel more at peace, though things for the time being are not better (work, home, spiritual). But at least I see a light and see a path opening. And today's meeting helped that - though I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Still, at least I know and they know - that's all I asked for, really.

Breakaway

How can a song say everything you feel? How is that possible - especially when you didn't write it? I just started to write my autobiography, as it were, a couple years ago. I don't know if it's for me or to be published one day - but for the last three years I feel strongly about writing what I know, which is me and my life. I picked back up with the story a couple weeks ago, just before Kelly Clarkson's new song came out, "Breakaway." I didn't even catch the words the first few times but I knew I really, really felt drawn to the song. The first verse (all of it before the first chorus) is all about me. All about how I felt growing up: pre-school, elementary school, jr. high, high school and college. I guess my biggest breakaway was when I moved here to Indiana, where I still reside. It was the first time I stood up to anyone, let alone my parents, and said, "I don't care what I have to do, I'm going with or without you." Luckily, I have some of the best parents ever - they picked up thier lives and moved with me so my transition would be easier. How cool is that!? I'm a very lucky and a very blessed young lady...er, woman now. I don't think a 28-year-old is thought of as a young lady anymore; technically, I'm a woman.

Grew up in a small town, And when the rain would fall down, I'd just stare out my window, Dreamin' of what could be, And if I'd end up happy, I would pray. Trying hard to reach out, But when I tried to speak out, Felt like no one could hear me, Wanted to belong here, But something felt so wrong here, So I'd pray, I could breakaway.

So yeah, I broke away but what did I do with it? So far, not too much. And then again, a lot. But I think we all want to do and be more. We all want to be known for something - or just to be known. Lately, I feel more like the second verse:

Want to feel the warm breeze, Sleep under a palm tree, Feel the rush of the ocean. Get onboard a fast train, Travel on a jet plane, Faraway, And breakaway.

And then really, I feel like this totally:

Buildings with a hundred floors, Swinging 'round revolvin' doors, Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, But gotta keep movin' on, Movin' on, Fly away, Breakaway.

It's a crazy thing - this thing we call life. But, you know what, it's worth living - no matter what happens, where we go, what we do and where we, eventually, end up. Right now, I'm successful in many things - one of those is not financially. It's scary at times but it's only money. I'm not taking my debt to Heaven - or anything for that matter. Just my soul, in the presence of my Jesus, my Lord and my Savior. And for those who don't believe in Him, I'll pray for you, for them. Because one thing that I do know is that no matter where I am, where I go, what I breakaway to - He's always there beside me. Through the bad and the good. :-) When I make bad decisions and good ones. It's all to help me learn and grow - and maybe I'm a little bit of a slow learner. He knows that; but He's still patient. He knows what I'm here for and He knows that I know that, too - though sometimes I forget that. He knows I'll do that sometimes, too. And still I know that He loves me more than anybody on this earth could; and that the one that does will love Him, too. I just have to be patient, like Him. Just be like Jesus. It may sound hard - and it is - but it's worth getting there. Believe me, it's better than anything this life says is better. It isn't; there's still a hole there because it's the void that is meant for Him to fill.

Some people go their whole lives without finding out why they can be so successful and feel so incomplete, still. And that's sad; becuase no matter how depressed I get sometimes, it's nothing like when I was without Him - nothing like it. Being with Him is worth everything. Of course, I have to be honest - I am so not perfect. To be in debt like I am is not being a very faithful servant. I know that I may "make up" for it in other ways; but it's discipline that I lack. And I can see that now. I can see that discipline is always what I've lacked. It's the one thing that I need to focus on right now.

After my vacation, which will begin a week from this Friday, I need to "breakaway" from my current situation. I need to put it in His hands; even though I know it will take a lot of work and be difficult. Sometimes His way isn't the easiest way but it's always the best way. It always works out better than any way you can come up with; or any "quick fix." It's going to take a lot of discipline, determination and drive - the three d's I dont' have but I need. And He's already given me two ways to do it: Mary Kay and my "not lost, but misplaced" love of writing. Let's face it, I will always be "verbose." It's the way He wired me...and maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to see that that is a good thing. :-)

Cool Website

Hey, y'all!

I just found a new website that I really like. Of course, it's a movie website (as usual) but who cares? It's still cool.

Anyway, go to www.withoutapaddlemovie.com. I think that this is the movie I'll be seeing this weekend. It looks soooo funny! :-) Well, gotta go!

I am so not talented...

Okay, I don't mean that in everything but my writing skill for news articles is almost nil. My article really is bad. My interview, though I gathered a lot of info, was bad; after having to listen to myself ask questions so confusingly to the person I wonder how he understood me at all. And I asked questions that led him to go off on tangents - which doesn't help with my angle. It just gave me a lot of info I didn't need. Well, I guess you have to start somewhere - and I'm starting at the bottom again, apparently.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I know that. LJ does like things specific and we don't have the same brain so if he changes it a lot then I shouldn't take it personally. I probably will at least a little, though. I know me. If I know I can do something better, like most everyone else, then it irks me that I couldn't do it better at the time. Isn't that how it always goes, though? You do something and work really hard on it but it just doesn't come out the way you want. You have to turn it in; realizing it's really not that bad and they are going to like it but you wanted to be perfect. And then a day later, after you've turned it in, that idea/that little "inspiration" you had been looking for finally comes to you. At that moment, you want to kick yourself or at least give your wall a good beating. Eventually, though, you relaize that if it was meant to be it would've already happened. And then you feel better about it so you think on the bright side: you can apply what you just learned the next time you are in the same position.

This time, though, I'm not at a deadline so I do still have time to find that "little inspiration" before it's too late. :-)

Boys, boys, boys

I guess I should be saying men, men, men. But all men are boys; all boys are not men so I guess we'll stick with calling them boys. There's a song that I really have come to like a lot lately. It's a love song but an innocent one. It's not one of the usual "all about sex" love songs that seem to dominate the airwaves, discustingly so. The chorus goes like this:

"I don't want another pretty face; I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste. I want you and your beautiful soul. You're the one I want to chase, you're the one I want to hold. I won't let another minute go to waste; I want you and your beautiful soul."

Wow, that's how I feel; how I've always felt. But especially the third sentence: I don't want my love to go to waste. I've seen that with my own eyes; my parents divorced and though it was the right decision, I know I don't want that. I want to find that person who will be in it with me for the long haul; and I with him. I may be too old for the 50 year anniversary dream, but that's really what I want. I want someone's beautiful soul; and I want to give my beautiful soul completely away to that person forever. And that includes wanting Christ to stand firmly at the center of the two of us, for everyone to see. I guess I want it all, huh?

I see how some unions are just so blessed and precious. Tessa and Korry are a great example. How blessed is their relationship; even before their marraige. People who know them know that Christ is their center - always. I can't even say that about myself weekly. I know that I am in a desert place right now; I know that I'm growing and being disciplined and that I have to go through this to grow stronger in my faith and with Christ. My only hope through this is that I can become the woman of a future partnership where my husband is even more firmly planted with Christ than I am. Not that I won't be even stronger in my faith at the end of this but that he can further encourage me and I can encourage/compliment him in his faith. I am also a bit old-fashioned when it comes to the man and woman roles but that doesn't mean that I don't have a little of that "independent" woman inside me. She's definitely there and needs to be satisfied; which I'm hoping to do with my writing and other gifts. But there is a balance that can be reached between a husband and a wife; and I hope that he and I can find that balance one day - to be respectful of each others needs.

I know it seems silly to be writing about these things when there is no man in my life suitable for even dating. I've met some really great guys lately; but there are no sparks or romantic chemistry. However, without trying, I've grown in my knowledge of who God wants for me through these new friendships. It's uplifting to finally know that it is a desire of God's heart for me to be married, have a family; this desire that has burned within me so long is from Him. It's not just a desire that I have; it's one He has for me.

For example, I met a really nice "boy" last night. He's a friend of Alisa's. I was hanging out at her place and he joined us to watch the Olympics and dinner. He was pleasant to be around; he didn't seem to be at all offended or annoyed by my outspokenness with sports; and he had a clean mouth. I don't know if he's a Christian but I enjoyed the fact that I could be myself around some strange guy and not feel bad in any way about it. That helped me last night to see that there are guys out there that are actually gentleman and fun to hang with without the whole "ooh, does he like me thing," going on in my head - or his, for that matter. I so believe that friendships between men and women are important to have before anything serious starts. You have to really know someone before you can trust them with your life. I'm not saying that this will happen between me and him (I'll probalby never see him again) but it's encouraging to be yourself around the opposite sex and not have that pressure to impress them. It's given me confidence to be more real with "strange men" because who knows if the next one I meet will be The One? In the meantime, I might just make some really cool friends. :-)

Conviction of the Heart

"And down your streets I've walked alone, as if my feet were not my own. Such is the path I chose, doors I have opened and closed. I'm tired of living this lie, fooling myself, believing we're right. I've never given love with any conviction of the heart...how much longer must we wait to change this world that we live in; to know what it is to forgive, be forgiven. "

It all starts with heart - the convictions that live within it. What we truly are at our center - God's chosen; His living, breathing, thinking, feeling creation - human beings. We aren't perfect and we never will be. We were made, however, to be like Him, "in His image."

Today, though, I was upset at my reaction to something at work. Getting work an hour and a half before I leave on a Friday is never fun; especially when it will more than likely make you stay longer than normal - and you have plans that night! But, sitting here writing this, I'm actually almost done with my project. So why did I react by saying, "Can I go scream now?" I mean it isn't taking me that long; it isn't difficult. I was calm about it but maybe my attitude was a bit unprofessional and rude. It is things like this that have shown me that I don't like this part of me right now. I never used to be this way. Things are going to happen at the last minute; that's a given. But I have noticed that I don't do things in love much anymore. I need to get back to that; to that person I was (and was growing into even more) that did everything out of love and a real desire to serve. My convictions aren't in the right place right now. Like Ricki always told Lucy, "You've got some explain' to do." I have some explaining to do; but so does everyone else. I know it isn't just me; I can't blame myself for everyone else's inequities. I need to remember that and not be so hard on myself; it's not good for my confidence - or my heart.

My heart is a precious thing - I need to take care of it much better; and use it much more compassionately.

Drink from This Water

"You'll never find her story in a fairytale 'cause she was unlike the other women at the well. Her life was full of pain, hurt, rejection, her loneliness she didn't want to show. But Jesus saw the desert in her soul. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again.

We all search for something to fill us up inside. But it's only an illusion, you know a true love's hard to find. But I'm here to tell you there's one place your thirst is quenched forevermore. You will never leave there disappointed, you'll find what you are longing for. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again.

And oh, Jesus will meet you at the place of every need, and only He can make the wounded whole and make the blind man see. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from the living water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again."

The lyrics to the song above is what I've listened to over and over this morning - a time that my heart is full of anger, resentment, sorrow and selfishness. I've had trouble keeping them in check but everything and everybody around me continue to do things that increase them; instead of decreasing them. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt; I try to let things go like I used to. But when you are held accountable for everything but the other person isn't, it makes living hard. When do you say, "Hey, it's great that we talk about stuff but when are you going to be as accountable as you want me to be?" I'm tired of being so open and honest and then everyone else holding back.

Sometimes when you are completely honest, it backfires. But at least you didn't lie about it; hopefully one day that person will see your honesty as a good part of your character. I've told a friend before that there was a time that I was angry and in that moment I probably did react in a way that intentionally wanted to make them feel as hurt as I did. I'm not the only person in this world that has ever done that, though, but I'm blamed for it. You don't mean to do it but at the time you just can't be rational. Looking back on it and discussing it, I was honest with them. I didn't feel that way now but it didn't seem to matter - "That hurts" was all I heard. Okay, so that's strike one on me.

I know I'm not perfect but I try to be the best I can. I try not to be selfish; but this last year has been horrible. Things aren't back to normal and they never will be. My stepdad will always be recovering from cancer; my grandfather is still fighting it; I still don't know what to do with my life; and now I'm wondering if any of my friends are really my friends. There are about two I can name right at this moment that isn't mad at me or isn't annoyed with me. I really am not trying to inspire those feelings toward me but somehow that's how they feel.

So this song has helped to calm me. We all have something in our past, present, or future that Jesus died to save us from; to show us that we can let it go. I'm going to try to let go of this anger, resentment, sorrow and selfishness today. I'm going to try one more time to step aside and let people/friends do what they will and live how they are used to living. I'm coming to see that it isn't how I want to live my life. I also see that if I had no friends I still would be the wealthiest woman on earth because Jesus is at my side, always without fail. I can always turn to Him when things get rough. He just says, "Here, drink this. It will make you feel better." You do and you feel alive, refreshed, and loved. Then He gives you a great big hug and everything is alright again, completely. And even if that hug included a little constructive criticism, it's still the best hug ever. I really needed to hear this song this morning. I needed to be reminded that there are bigger things than myself and my situations. If my friends choose not to talk to me about stuff, I can't help that. But I can't just sit here and be told what to do either. I can be patient though and I can go about my day in a way that glorifies the Lord. I can trust Him to rectify the situation in His perfect way. So that's what I'm going to do today. It's a busy day, too, so that will help me stay calm about things.

I love Him; I really do. Sometimes it doesn't look like it but I have a faith that is really strong. No matter how depressed I may get (and how angry I may get because no one on this earth ever recognizes it), He's always there to pull me back. He's always there to tell me that He loves me more than anyone ever could. And that's the greatest feeling ever. I am never alone because He won't ever let me be - He walks with me everyday, everywhere I go, everything I do. Like the sinner that I am, I just forget that He's there. But, today, I don't want to forget Him so today I'm going to tie myself to Him and we can walk each step together - legs joined by the unbreakable bond called "Salvation."