...STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!
Seriously, I feel like that's all I've been lately. Yesterday was not a good day at work. Not a good day. It wasn't an "I'm getting fired" kind of day but it was pretty darn close. At least, I would've fired me. I can't believe I forgot to do those things. Luckily, everyone has the same deadlines so it's like a good system of checks and balances (like our gov't is supposed to be). I just hate to be the one in the system that got checked on and pointed a finger at, though - and here I'm trying to find a full-time job that uses my skills of multi-tasking, administration and editorial talent. I kind of feel like I don't deserve it but my friends have assured me that they've been through those kind of days, too. I just nitpick sometimes and lately, with my tendencies toward the Drama Queen lifestyle, it was just too much to handle without going a little berserk.
I stayed home, relaxed and watched the NBA draft. Yes, I'm a girl but I like sports. I only watched the first round. It was kind of exciting - as drafts go. And it's so much quicker than the NFL draft - that one takes FOREVER! I really enjoy all the anchors at ESPN. They keep things interesting and love 'em or hate 'em - it's fun to analyze them. I mean, I so don't agree with some of thier advice - no matter how much they work around it and should know a lot - but it's fun to see the differing opinions. I LOVE STEPHEN A.! God bless the man who hired him! Brilliant move. I like Stuart Scott, Dan Patrick and the rest of them but SA keeps it real. He is one of a kind. His show is my favorite (after SportsCenter, of course).
Anyway, I am calm now. I also got back to the gym. My hormones were off and so was my metabolism. I'm sure they both had something to do with my reaction yesterday but I still could've handled it better. All I have to remember is to...
...STOP BEING A DRAMA QUEEN!
6.29.2006
6.28.2006
Good to know...
"...For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything."
1 John 3:20
Need I say more? Another 2x4 on my head. :-)
1 John 3:20
Need I say more? Another 2x4 on my head. :-)
6.27.2006
Post 123: Couldn't put it down...
...the book, I mean. It was great. I read the whole thing yesterday. All I did last night when I got home from work was to change clothes and lie on my bed, reading that book. I finished it at midnight. It was so great! But what's more is that it made me think about who I am and what I want as opposed to what God wants and who God wants me to be. The main character goes through the same emotions as me and really, she is me. Except, of course, I don't have the career, men falling at my feet and an indespensible bank account - but in every other way, she's me or I'm her. She doesn't have it figured out yet either but she knows that she's been cheating herself when it comes to God. I have so been cheating myself. I feel like a total hypocrite - completely and utterly a hypocrite. I have to be so honest here. I don't read my Bible everyday like I should. Yes, I pray non-stop and I know that's a good thing and it's important. But I seem to rely on the same verses and the same things. I'm not progressing; I'm not growing like I should. God is the center of my life - or is he? Am I fooling myself there, too? I mean, yes, I am A Christian and I have morals and values that I stick to regardless of what the people around me say or do - believe me, I've earned the white dress I will be wearing on my wedding day (and it will be bright white, not cream or ivory, but good 'ol plain white - well, it might have some sequins or embroidery but it will be all white). I am comfortable enough to say on this blog that I've never even kissed a guy yet. Yes, it's true. I know that some people may think that I should keep those kinds of details to myself but I'm proud of it. I think more people should be proud of things like this - they're more important and more worthy to be proud of than anything else. I don't think the first guy I kiss is going to be the only guy I kiss (my soulmate - it would be great but not realistic) but he is going to be a good guy and one that I trust at least. I haven't trusted most guys I've dated. The first man I trust will be the first man I kiss. So - yes, I will have earned that white dress.
But the above is not the only way I should be pursuing God's will. He gave me a gift to write. Actually, what I'm doing right now is a gift. I can be open and honest and real with people on the world wide web. Though I may not know the person reading this, I'm okay for them to read it - bad stuff and all. I know guys are scared of me becuase of this. I may be too open for them. But there are lots of things that only my closest friends know; and there will be things that only my soulmate will ever know (not my friends, not my parents, not my family). He will know me inside and out because he will be the one God brings to me (and vise versa - God brings me to him). So though I'm open and it's a gift, it's not all of me but it gives a good sense of me. A good enough sense that I know that I help people with what I say and what I write sometimes - it's just hard for me to acept that God uses me when I'm really such a wretched person.
I know that I have squandered my gift of writing a bit. It's my fault. I let other people determine my worth and what's worse, I didn't believe in myself even when God was clearly communicating to me how much I really am worth it to Him for Him to have died for me. But the writing business is hard and I've just started to pursue it. I am definitely going to learn perseverence by the time I succeed in it. I know I will succeed. I don't know in what way but I know I will succeed. I have belief in myself and I've done things to remind myself that I'm okay as a person just as I am. Not that I shouldn't grow and improve - I need to as we all do - but I have start from a good place. Now that I'm starting from a good place, I can move on. That was step one...step two is finding discipline when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell....which is what this whole "looking for a full-time job with benefits" thing is right now. I see no end in sight and the bank account is not looking good. Oh well. If it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger. I'm looking forward to the strength. I need it. :-)
But I need to remember that the only strength worth having comes from only one source: God. His strength is all I need. Note to self: Don't be stupid - let Him do it. He knows what to do better than I do. :-)
But the above is not the only way I should be pursuing God's will. He gave me a gift to write. Actually, what I'm doing right now is a gift. I can be open and honest and real with people on the world wide web. Though I may not know the person reading this, I'm okay for them to read it - bad stuff and all. I know guys are scared of me becuase of this. I may be too open for them. But there are lots of things that only my closest friends know; and there will be things that only my soulmate will ever know (not my friends, not my parents, not my family). He will know me inside and out because he will be the one God brings to me (and vise versa - God brings me to him). So though I'm open and it's a gift, it's not all of me but it gives a good sense of me. A good enough sense that I know that I help people with what I say and what I write sometimes - it's just hard for me to acept that God uses me when I'm really such a wretched person.
I know that I have squandered my gift of writing a bit. It's my fault. I let other people determine my worth and what's worse, I didn't believe in myself even when God was clearly communicating to me how much I really am worth it to Him for Him to have died for me. But the writing business is hard and I've just started to pursue it. I am definitely going to learn perseverence by the time I succeed in it. I know I will succeed. I don't know in what way but I know I will succeed. I have belief in myself and I've done things to remind myself that I'm okay as a person just as I am. Not that I shouldn't grow and improve - I need to as we all do - but I have start from a good place. Now that I'm starting from a good place, I can move on. That was step one...step two is finding discipline when it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnell....which is what this whole "looking for a full-time job with benefits" thing is right now. I see no end in sight and the bank account is not looking good. Oh well. If it doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger. I'm looking forward to the strength. I need it. :-)
But I need to remember that the only strength worth having comes from only one source: God. His strength is all I need. Note to self: Don't be stupid - let Him do it. He knows what to do better than I do. :-)
6.26.2006
Post 122: She's Out of Control...
...actually, I'm out of control. Well, I'm not so much out of control as I find myself too much like a character in a book I just started reading today. Oh, how this Kristin Billerbeck knows the Christian woman's mind and character! She knows me! And she knows that guys don't understand us...me. :-)
Why is it so hard nowadays? Isn't it supposed to be easy? If it's supposed to be easy, then why isn't? I feel like I need to yell and scream at the top of my lungs but if I do that, I know things will only get worse.
I've just had so many conversations lately with Christian men, Christian women and non-believers about men vs. woman, that I just want to scream! Why is it that when I've finally made the decision to let go of all this stuff that it immediately rears it's ugly head right back into my life? I'm actually trying to let go of this stuff - but it isn't letting go of me. I feel so much like Ashley that I can't even laugh about it. I just want to find a good job, pay off my bills and start a family. Is that so much to ask? Can't things just work out for once? I'm so frustrated that I feel like a broken record.
I don't want to even be thinking about these things and I've tried desperately not to (no matter how much I've written on this blog). I'm starting to get the feeling that I can never not talk about this subject. It may be physically, mentally, socially and emotionally impossible for me to stop thinking about this subject until I have my first boyfriend. But I so just want to not worry about it anymore.
Please pray for me - seriously. I need to stop being around these types of conversations. It's driving me crazy! It keeps reminding me of where I've never been but where I want to be one day. I have too much right now to think about without this clouding my mind. I need it to go or to be resolved somehow.
Lord - Help!
Why is it so hard nowadays? Isn't it supposed to be easy? If it's supposed to be easy, then why isn't? I feel like I need to yell and scream at the top of my lungs but if I do that, I know things will only get worse.
I've just had so many conversations lately with Christian men, Christian women and non-believers about men vs. woman, that I just want to scream! Why is it that when I've finally made the decision to let go of all this stuff that it immediately rears it's ugly head right back into my life? I'm actually trying to let go of this stuff - but it isn't letting go of me. I feel so much like Ashley that I can't even laugh about it. I just want to find a good job, pay off my bills and start a family. Is that so much to ask? Can't things just work out for once? I'm so frustrated that I feel like a broken record.
I don't want to even be thinking about these things and I've tried desperately not to (no matter how much I've written on this blog). I'm starting to get the feeling that I can never not talk about this subject. It may be physically, mentally, socially and emotionally impossible for me to stop thinking about this subject until I have my first boyfriend. But I so just want to not worry about it anymore.
Please pray for me - seriously. I need to stop being around these types of conversations. It's driving me crazy! It keeps reminding me of where I've never been but where I want to be one day. I have too much right now to think about without this clouding my mind. I need it to go or to be resolved somehow.
Lord - Help!
6.22.2006
Post 121: Something exciting needs to happen...soon
Seriously, I am ready for something exciting to happen to me...good exciting. And not just something for today. It really needs to be something for my entire life. It's not that I don't appreciate the little things that sometimes come daily; they're nice, too. But I think it's about time that something went right for me. I'm sorry; I just don't want to be the friend anymore that is constantly looking for a job, a date, a career, a way to feel important. I want for something to finally happen. No more cancer in my family; no more submerging into debt; no more getting depressed because everyone thinks I'm great but I can't seem to get them to give me a job that will utilize my many skills.
Dang it - if I'm supposed to be a writer and feel so strongly about it, why can't I finally be one! Sometimes I feel like I'm writing for absolutely nothing! And then at the times that I'm most inspired, my stupid computer decides to break down and 'gasp' stops the keyboard from actually typing! Then I get so frustrated trying to fix it that I forget the brilliant idea I had in the first place - so I'm not even able to handwrite it. Ugh! I'm so frustrated that I'm almost making myself ill. Ugh!
The only thing that is good that is happening now is that I've been to the gym every morning this week and did my full exercise routine and actually gotten to work early or on time. I'm usually able to make myself feel better and find patience. But I'm losing my ability to do that - even with friends reminding me that I'm a good person and will find the right things at the right time. I know that they are right but can I be upset and annoyed for once in my life?! I try so hard to just let things go (and sometimes so much so that it isn't good for my sanity) but I'm just at a point in my life that I want things to go better. Have I actually seen the good in my life pass me by? Am I never ever going to get to a place where I can stand on my own or at least stand somewhat equal with my future mate in anything: spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically?
I don't know. I don't know a lot right now but I do know that I have to cling to things that make me happy - like Poker nights, 4th of July parties, going to the movies and generally hanging out with all the friends of mine that I completely trust and accept me for who I am (even if right now I'm so lost, confused and frustrated that I don't even like being around me).
Oh, yeah - and I even forgot to go to Bible study Tuesday. Yeah, it totally slipped my mind - though I got an e-mail and responded to it and everything. I just forgot. Things so need to change for the better soon. That's hard to see since we even have bad storms in our forcast for today. I really don't want it to storm today but I can't control the weather so I'll have to deal with it the best I can.
Dang it - if I'm supposed to be a writer and feel so strongly about it, why can't I finally be one! Sometimes I feel like I'm writing for absolutely nothing! And then at the times that I'm most inspired, my stupid computer decides to break down and 'gasp' stops the keyboard from actually typing! Then I get so frustrated trying to fix it that I forget the brilliant idea I had in the first place - so I'm not even able to handwrite it. Ugh! I'm so frustrated that I'm almost making myself ill. Ugh!
The only thing that is good that is happening now is that I've been to the gym every morning this week and did my full exercise routine and actually gotten to work early or on time. I'm usually able to make myself feel better and find patience. But I'm losing my ability to do that - even with friends reminding me that I'm a good person and will find the right things at the right time. I know that they are right but can I be upset and annoyed for once in my life?! I try so hard to just let things go (and sometimes so much so that it isn't good for my sanity) but I'm just at a point in my life that I want things to go better. Have I actually seen the good in my life pass me by? Am I never ever going to get to a place where I can stand on my own or at least stand somewhat equal with my future mate in anything: spiritually, financially, emotionally, physically?
I don't know. I don't know a lot right now but I do know that I have to cling to things that make me happy - like Poker nights, 4th of July parties, going to the movies and generally hanging out with all the friends of mine that I completely trust and accept me for who I am (even if right now I'm so lost, confused and frustrated that I don't even like being around me).
Oh, yeah - and I even forgot to go to Bible study Tuesday. Yeah, it totally slipped my mind - though I got an e-mail and responded to it and everything. I just forgot. Things so need to change for the better soon. That's hard to see since we even have bad storms in our forcast for today. I really don't want it to storm today but I can't control the weather so I'll have to deal with it the best I can.
6.15.2006
Post 120: Sensosketch
Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly playing the game Cranium but all the cards I get are sensosketches. If you are not familiar with the game, a sensosketch card is one that tells you that it is required by one of your teammates to draw the item with their eyes closed and your teammates have to guess what it is - in 60 seconds. You know what you're supposed to draw but you don't know what you're actually drawing because you can't see what you're doing.
Sensosketch is like a metaphor for my life: I know what I want/desire but I just can't seem to get there. In a sense, I'm totally blind to either what I'm doing, how to do it or what to do next.
Take, for example, my dating life. We all know that there is a gentleman that I like. I've prayed about it (to make me not desire him in anyway but if it's in God's will for us to date, to make it very clear to me - I need a lot of visuals). I have expected the former to happen - that God would help me to not like him - but lately there have been answers to the contrary. In fact, I became confident that something would happen; and then there was a situation where I thought it did. However, as soon as I adjust to the possibility that something might actually be going right in my life, some unknown force dives down and takes the wind right out of me - leaving me either back where I started with him or further away. Well, this is indeed what happened.
So besides the suckiness of still not finding a job that would help me financially and satisfy me enough to work hard, I'm still stuck in the suckiness of still not having a dating life.
But I know something exciting will happen to me soon. I just have to be patient. That's harder said than done. But I have a lot of practice in having to be patient in all these things - I mean, I'm 30 with still no career and still no prospect for a dating life (let alone family). And no matter how many times a particular guy friend of mine tries to encourage me that I can adopt or be artificially inseminated when the subject matter comes up on conversation, it's not the ideal. He just doesn't get it. He is not a woman who is desperately trying serve God's will but is unsure because what He keeps telling He wants for her is continually out of her grasp. My friend may have given up or have chosen to not get married or have a family but I can't. I won't Besides, I'm only 30; he's almost 40. It's not that it can't happen for him now but it's very unlikely that it will with his attitude. He is the guy; and God says to us women that He will send us a guy to pursue us. My friend has to pursue who he is attracted to; if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. He moves on (and believe me, he would have no problem getting women if he wanted; he is attractive, athletic and has a good heart. In fact, if I ever thought he'd be interested in me, I would change my thoughts about us just being friends - but that is highly unlikely). Then again I've never had this conversation with him so I don't know if there's a valid reason why he isn't married or doesn't want to be attached to a woman in some way. So, really, I have no reason to judge him. But I have valid reasons: I'm not being pursued by anyone that I'm also attracted to. I even try to force myself to be attracted to some that have but it doesn't work. I'm just not interested. I may be getting frustrated and impatient but I haven't lost all hope yet. Either he has or maybe has never had that desire. :-)
You know what? Sometimes it takes me writing on this blog to feel better about myself or right a wrong day. Because now that I think about it, my friend's life inspires me to handle my own better. Maybe for him being single is great but it isn't for me. I am going to be a great wife and mother. I can compromise well when I know I'm wrong and have not let other people take advantage of me as much as I've let them in the past. Though this has always been my weak point and what I was scared of in myself, it's getting better. I feel like I can stand on my own now when I should. Before, I was scared that my non-confrontational personality would land me in the wrong relationships. But now, I feel that I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to and back down when I know I'm wrong. Of course, I have to be a girlfriend before I can be a wife but at least I'm confident now that I can be one. Besides, with my my cooking ability and my love of sports, I'm going to be the perfect girlfriend and then one day the perfect wife and mom. Now if I could just find the perfect boyfriend...:-) Right now though, I'd settle for a date. :-)
Sensosketch is like a metaphor for my life: I know what I want/desire but I just can't seem to get there. In a sense, I'm totally blind to either what I'm doing, how to do it or what to do next.
Take, for example, my dating life. We all know that there is a gentleman that I like. I've prayed about it (to make me not desire him in anyway but if it's in God's will for us to date, to make it very clear to me - I need a lot of visuals). I have expected the former to happen - that God would help me to not like him - but lately there have been answers to the contrary. In fact, I became confident that something would happen; and then there was a situation where I thought it did. However, as soon as I adjust to the possibility that something might actually be going right in my life, some unknown force dives down and takes the wind right out of me - leaving me either back where I started with him or further away. Well, this is indeed what happened.
So besides the suckiness of still not finding a job that would help me financially and satisfy me enough to work hard, I'm still stuck in the suckiness of still not having a dating life.
But I know something exciting will happen to me soon. I just have to be patient. That's harder said than done. But I have a lot of practice in having to be patient in all these things - I mean, I'm 30 with still no career and still no prospect for a dating life (let alone family). And no matter how many times a particular guy friend of mine tries to encourage me that I can adopt or be artificially inseminated when the subject matter comes up on conversation, it's not the ideal. He just doesn't get it. He is not a woman who is desperately trying serve God's will but is unsure because what He keeps telling He wants for her is continually out of her grasp. My friend may have given up or have chosen to not get married or have a family but I can't. I won't Besides, I'm only 30; he's almost 40. It's not that it can't happen for him now but it's very unlikely that it will with his attitude. He is the guy; and God says to us women that He will send us a guy to pursue us. My friend has to pursue who he is attracted to; if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. He moves on (and believe me, he would have no problem getting women if he wanted; he is attractive, athletic and has a good heart. In fact, if I ever thought he'd be interested in me, I would change my thoughts about us just being friends - but that is highly unlikely). Then again I've never had this conversation with him so I don't know if there's a valid reason why he isn't married or doesn't want to be attached to a woman in some way. So, really, I have no reason to judge him. But I have valid reasons: I'm not being pursued by anyone that I'm also attracted to. I even try to force myself to be attracted to some that have but it doesn't work. I'm just not interested. I may be getting frustrated and impatient but I haven't lost all hope yet. Either he has or maybe has never had that desire. :-)
You know what? Sometimes it takes me writing on this blog to feel better about myself or right a wrong day. Because now that I think about it, my friend's life inspires me to handle my own better. Maybe for him being single is great but it isn't for me. I am going to be a great wife and mother. I can compromise well when I know I'm wrong and have not let other people take advantage of me as much as I've let them in the past. Though this has always been my weak point and what I was scared of in myself, it's getting better. I feel like I can stand on my own now when I should. Before, I was scared that my non-confrontational personality would land me in the wrong relationships. But now, I feel that I will be able to stand up for myself when I need to and back down when I know I'm wrong. Of course, I have to be a girlfriend before I can be a wife but at least I'm confident now that I can be one. Besides, with my my cooking ability and my love of sports, I'm going to be the perfect girlfriend and then one day the perfect wife and mom. Now if I could just find the perfect boyfriend...:-) Right now though, I'd settle for a date. :-)
6.13.2006
Post 119: Success
"Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success." Henry Ford
This is my new favorite quote. It's so simple but so right. It applies to life in general and all the little things in between - work, business, friendships, marraige, events. Why can't life be as easy as following a quote/verse? I mean, if I can begin to come together with a person, stay with them through thick and thin and then continue to work with them (compromise), then I'd succeed much more often. I'd either have my own business or a career (actually have a job that satisfies me), friendships that are even stronger and, while we're at it, a romantic relationship (which can be qualified in any or all of these ways: dating, boyfriend, marriage).
Henry Ford was a very bright man. He really was one person who changed the world just by being who he was created to be. We all can be that. The old saying, "You may be only one person in the world but you may mean the world to one person" is applicable to each and every one of us. Henry Ford was this person in a big way because of his determination, his dreams, his desire to succeed and his willingness to work with people. I can be this kind of person, too. I don't have to invent cars or combustable engines or whatever. I can be just me.
BTW, I drive a Ford. :-)
This is my new favorite quote. It's so simple but so right. It applies to life in general and all the little things in between - work, business, friendships, marraige, events. Why can't life be as easy as following a quote/verse? I mean, if I can begin to come together with a person, stay with them through thick and thin and then continue to work with them (compromise), then I'd succeed much more often. I'd either have my own business or a career (actually have a job that satisfies me), friendships that are even stronger and, while we're at it, a romantic relationship (which can be qualified in any or all of these ways: dating, boyfriend, marriage).
Henry Ford was a very bright man. He really was one person who changed the world just by being who he was created to be. We all can be that. The old saying, "You may be only one person in the world but you may mean the world to one person" is applicable to each and every one of us. Henry Ford was this person in a big way because of his determination, his dreams, his desire to succeed and his willingness to work with people. I can be this kind of person, too. I don't have to invent cars or combustable engines or whatever. I can be just me.
BTW, I drive a Ford. :-)
6.12.2006
Post 118: NBA Finals
Ok, so, I'm extremely happy that the Mavs are up 2 games on the Heat. Not a Heat fan. You might think that I would be since Pat Riley and Shaq happen to cohabitate on that team. I like Pat Riley for helping to bring us all those championships in the 80's but Shaq...well, it's a well-known fact that I didn't like him when he was a Laker. I did put my feelings aside because he was instrumental in bringing us more championships - I even defended him to friends that tried to convince me that he was a terrible baller - I didn't need convincing but I wasn't going to let anyone knock my team (even if, deep down, I knew they were right). So, I was never really a fan of Shaq's but I gave him his due.
Now, though, I'm very happy that he's losing. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy - I can't judge him because I've never met him. But I'm a Laker fan at heart and feel like Diesel got a little too big for his britches (and that's hard to do). It was the right move for him to leave and Kobe to stay. And besides, Shaq is winning because he went to a very talented team and gets to play alongside Dwayne Wade. He had the same thing in L.A. (well, before that last fateful year together - too many superstars on one team is not a good thing). Kobe hasn't; but he's inspired the talent that we have to be the best that they can be; he's making the people around him better even when he's throwing 81 down. People seem to miss that he's gotten the guys around him to play better. The team does better when they are all playing, not just when Kobe is hot. Isn't that the mark of a good team in the making? Isn't that what's going on in Dallas?
And isn't it great that an owner who is so into his team and really cares has a good chance to be on top finally? I don't always agree with Cubans actions but his heart I definitely agree with. He is who he is and he doesn't apologize for it. That's someone I can support and get behind - and that's why I really hope the Mavs win. I think the whole organization deserves (even if they are located a hop, skip and a jump from the Cowboys - I'm a Niner fan through and through and to be a Faithful Niner, you must hate the Dallas Cowboys).
I can't wait to watch Game 3 - wouldn't it be great if the Mavs swept the Heat? I think so.
Now, though, I'm very happy that he's losing. I'm sure he's a wonderful guy - I can't judge him because I've never met him. But I'm a Laker fan at heart and feel like Diesel got a little too big for his britches (and that's hard to do). It was the right move for him to leave and Kobe to stay. And besides, Shaq is winning because he went to a very talented team and gets to play alongside Dwayne Wade. He had the same thing in L.A. (well, before that last fateful year together - too many superstars on one team is not a good thing). Kobe hasn't; but he's inspired the talent that we have to be the best that they can be; he's making the people around him better even when he's throwing 81 down. People seem to miss that he's gotten the guys around him to play better. The team does better when they are all playing, not just when Kobe is hot. Isn't that the mark of a good team in the making? Isn't that what's going on in Dallas?
And isn't it great that an owner who is so into his team and really cares has a good chance to be on top finally? I don't always agree with Cubans actions but his heart I definitely agree with. He is who he is and he doesn't apologize for it. That's someone I can support and get behind - and that's why I really hope the Mavs win. I think the whole organization deserves (even if they are located a hop, skip and a jump from the Cowboys - I'm a Niner fan through and through and to be a Faithful Niner, you must hate the Dallas Cowboys).
I can't wait to watch Game 3 - wouldn't it be great if the Mavs swept the Heat? I think so.
6.05.2006
Post 117: High School Crush
Sometimes I feel like I'm back in high school. In fact, I thought about a high school crush of mine the other day. He was a soccer player. Our boys won the title that year and I put them on the front page of the newspaper. Actually, there were two on the team that I kind of had crushes on but we just didn't hang in the same circles - if you know what I mean. Anyway, he came to mind because I was reading the current issue of Sports Illustrated which has four of our US Soccer players on the cover. Plus, I was thinking about my whole little "boy" issue that I've been writing a lot about lately. I've also had a couple conversations with some of my women friends about men we know right now and are interested in so I've just started to feel like I'm back in high school.
But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.
I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.
I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.
I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.
But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.
It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)
But, if you really think about it, aren't we always "still in high school?" I mean, when does that time period in our lives never effect what we're doing now? It seems to me that whatever happened to us in high school affects the rest of our lives. Whether that is negatively or positively isn't the issue. It's that what happened then shaped where we wanted to go - either we refused to be anything like ourselves back then or we found ourselves then and just wanted to stay that way.
I don't regret my high school experiences but I do know that I want my kids to do a little more than I did. I want them to try out for sports and be more involved in student government, if they have those interests. I was always interested in lots of things but lacked the confidence in myself to even try them. I just never felt people would accept me if I failed. But I'm beginning to see that any failures I had in front of people may have given me respect from those same people - but I never even tried.
I didn't show interest in guys that I had crushes on either. I don't regret that but I can see that it is a behavior that I've taken into adulthood. There are reasons why we are attracted to everyone that we are personally attracted to but sometimes we just don't act on them for one reason or another. I'm beginning to think that that is wrong. It's not that we should go after every person that we like but we should at least find out why we are attracted to them - and there are other ways to do that than to go out on a date. For example, I previously made a committment to get to know one of my guy friends better because I found myself unexpectedly attracted to him in more than a friendly way. So, instead of calling him up and asking him, "Will you go out with me?", I have made attempts to converse with him more one on one or in a small group. I have to find out where my attraction to him lies and if it's enough to let him know in some way that I am interested in him. I think it's important that we're cautious but not so much that we do nothing - which is what has been my M.O. in the past.
I was very proud of myself for yesterdays small coup. There was a cookout yesterday at a friends and I made myself part of several conversations that I would have previously backed out of because I was attracted to the guy and didn't want to make him think that I liked him. Instead of letting him or anyone else start the conversation, I started it. It's easy for me to start something with some of my women friends but guys? That's so hard for me - especially with ones that I'm attracted to. So, I made another small step yesterday when it comes to being more social with men. And I'm saying this because unless we're talking about sports, I usually don't talk to guys. I mean, I talk to my guy friends now mostly about sports and that's why I think I have so many now - because we can all get together and converse that way and it feel easy (but that's also because two of them have never known that I was once attracted to both of them). It's easy for me to talk that way but to just ask about their normal lives, it's so hard for me to do that and not give away that I like them so I just don't talk to them about their personal lives. I kind of just let them reveal themselves to me if they so happen to do that.
But that stops now. How am I going to figure out reasons why I'm attracted to certain guys if I don't get to know them. So, short of dating, I'm going to treat them the same as my other friends - unless there's a point that it's definite there's a mutual attraction there. But I have to speak to them before anything can happen. I mean, goodness, what's wrong with me? Nobody can grow in relationship, even if it's just a friendship, if you never talk.
It's so simple, isn't it? But, unfortunately, sometimes the simple things are hard to do...like pressing send on an e-mail to submit your first story. It's easy but it took me at least 10 years to finally do it. :-) I just hope it doesn't take me that long for the next step. :-)
6.02.2006
Post 116: A little more confident
I finally did it! I had enough confidence in myself to send one of my stories out. I actually, really and truly, submitted a story to the Writer's Digest contest. Though I'm having serious doubts that not more than one of the judges will even like it enough to read it through, I still took a huge step. I'm very proud of myself but know that it is only a start. Of course, I won't know how good of a start until October (when they contact the winners) but its' a start. Now that I've taken the first step, it doesn't feel so bad. So...I need to find other contests or magazines and just start submitting to them. I fully realize that it may take me 100 tries before I sell one, win a contest with one, or even just get into a publication for free but - now that I've taken that first step - it will get easier to allow someone to read my writing and critique it. How am I going to get better or achieve my life-long dream if I don't get out there? I won't. So, needless to say, I'm excited that I finally took the first step.
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
This last recent trip to CA also made me discipline myself in areas of my life that I seriously lack it. Whether or not I make $15,000 or $50,000 a year, I need to manage my money better. What does this mean to me? It means no credit cards. None. It means that I pay off my debt and don't allow myself to have any more debt once I'm completely out of it - except if it's a mortgage. That would be good debt - and unless I'm a millionaire, I have to have a mortgage to own a house. I've relayed this message to my bible study and my closest friends, explaining to them that if I don't go to movies or out to dinner as much as in the past, that it isn't because of them. And I don't expect them to support me financially - even though they would if I asked. It's wonderful that they have accepted it and want to help me with my new disciplined lifestyle.
Though I'm not horrible with money, I'm not great with it so I'm really hoping God's choice of husband for me is also good with money - not stingy (we should still be able to enjoy life a little) - but knows how to handle it better than me. That's definitely a characteristic that I want in a husband. Of course, I'm going to have to date men that will turn out to be not the right one for awhile. But at least I know one more thing that will help me determine which one is God's pick for me. I'm completely convinced that the area of money is not my strong suit so my future mate has to complement me at least in this way: by being better at budgeting and money issues. :-)
Today is a beautiful day in Bloomington. Though I have to work all day today which is not usual (Friday's are only supposed to be 1/2 days for me), I'm excited to go for a walk with my friend after work. I've never walked on the Clear Creek Trail before so I'm really looking forward to it. And two of my friends wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them that I couldn't go to the movies tonight. Though I did protest, they are paying for my ticket because they want us all to be together tonight. But I haven't told them that I have a list and am going to pay them back one day when I'm back on my feet. It may be in treating them in the future or paying them back in cash, but I want to make sure that I don't ever take advantage of all the nice things that God has given me - and that includes my friends.
To be honest, my biggest sin is handling money. Not all my debt has been avoidable but about 1/3 to 1/2 of it certainly had the potential to be avoided. So spiritually, this has been the real issue to hinder a lot of the parts of my life - that includes dating and the like. I don't want to be involved with somebody seriously and then have to break up because he sees my financial woes. I know it may sound stupid but relationships are hard in the first place; bringing an issue into the relationship like money only burdens it more.
So there are lots of days that I'm relieved that no one is interested in me that I'd be interested in, too. On the other hand, I can't help wanting to date at an age that people expect to me to at least be married. I expected to be married by now. In fact, I had a friend that made a comment a few weeks ago in response to something I said. I said, "I should be married by then - at least by the time I'm 40." He joked, "That soon?" I'll admit that his comment hurt me a bit but it's kind of true. I have dated but I can tell you their names, what we did and what month/year it was. I've gone out with approximately 12 men in my life - most of those were one daters and none of them would even be remotely considered boyfriends. I have come to think of myself as 1) a late bloomer, 2) cautious of dating men not of the same spirituality as me, and 3) careful to pick out those guys I lust for and the guys I'm truly interested in having a relationship with. But I'm also scared to get hurt again - and there isn't anyone I know in my life now of the guys I'm interested in that are interested back. No offense to anyone who is reading this and may be one of the following, but I seem to attract way older men (try 20-30 years older), men who are between 250-300 pounds (and I'm not talking muscle) and men who have harsh personalities/want to control me. And I get a lot of the weird ones, too. You can tell that I'm not too blessed in the man department. I don't want to go out with a model-type or athlete per se, but he should at least take care of himself a little bit and be closer to my age with a personality that meshes with mine. That's it. I would even go out with a guy who is 40 if he and I had the right chemistry. But over 40 and under 25 would be a little much, I think. I mean, my parents are only 20 years older than me - it would be weird to go out with someone closer to my dads age than mine. And younger than 25? Well, that would be wierd, too, because let's face it - I'm not old enough to be robbing the cradle but I'm old enough to know that an early 20's guy is too immature for even me. The main fact of the matter is that he doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous but I have to be attracted to him physically, spiritually and mentally. I've had some gems along the way but none of them worked - and the emphasis is on how few of them there have been (2, maybe 3). So I have to assume that these feelings I'm having for a certain guy right now are not God-sponsored, otherwise he'd be responding to me. And he isn't. So...it makes me relieved because I really need to focus on getting out of debt but sad that no one wants to be with me just like I am. And it would be nice to have support (finally) from someone who cares for me romantically and not one that's related or just a friend. I truly long for that type of relationship - no matter how hard people say it is or how they tell me I'm better off without it. Anything that takes at least a little work, is worth it. And God never meant for us to be alone. Some of us are meant for life-long celebacy and servitude but I know that I'm not one of those.
I know, I know. Everyone has the same trouble with relationships and money. I guess that I'm just more vocal about it. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
