I have chills right now - and it's not from the cold. If I ever needed motivation for anything, I just got it, from an unexpected person. I will not go into detail to protect the person's privacy but our devotions today were about personal "hurricanes." And someone shared theirs in such an open, honest and beautiful way. Ironically, it put everything into perspective for me. Yeah, that sounds selfish but it isn't. It was a kind of 2x4 from God, saying, "Wake up, girl! This is what you need to think about and to write about." I found my voice; I don't mean in the traditional writing way. I mean that what I want and need to have entertwined in my stories is the human condition. Even if it's a totally off-the-wall setting or situation, the underlying theme needs to be something to do with everyday feelings, emotions and, ultimately, how we have separated ourselves from God - bringing us to our current meager existance.
That's who Ellen is. She is the example, extreme I'll agree, but nevertheless the perfect example of our separation from God and our desire to find our way back to him. It's going to take work to get her there; but she can be saved just as easily and we can be. And my personal faith needs to be a part of her character. It is what I know the most about - how someone doesn't know Him but knows He exists. But, personally, I think I kind of stopped when I found out who He was. I haven't kept up my relationship in the way that He, or I, would like. Today's devotion convicted me deeply of that; and how I need to take it easy on my friends 'cause though I don't see my friends in the way that was discussed, they are still my friends. It might just take me opening my eyes to see that.
So now that I know why I haven't been able to let go of this story or this character, I better get back to it, huh? :-)
9.28.2004
Why Can't I See the Future?
Sometimes I wish I could see the future. Of course, then I think, "What if I don't like the future looks like?" I mean, look around us. Some of us, like myself, have become oblivious to just how bad things are. I live in the nation that was once feared (at least, after the H-bomb). In history, we are the only ones to use a weapon of that magnitude against anybody; and once used, the world grew silent. Because we all realized that, though it stopped a war, it could have been the beginning of the end for many of the world. Now, it seems that no one is afraid of us. We can see that democracy is not perfect; but it's still the best government we have. In our country, though, the reason it was created and based upon has gotten lost. It's so sad. And then again can't we all see that it was bound to happen especially with the way that it was created? This country was founded as a religious haven to all, not just the Christians. It was founded on Christian beliefs and by those who were followers of Christ; but they went one step further and opened their borders to all religions - it says so in the Constitution itself. At some point, there is going to be conflict between those religions - and guess what - the Constitution allows it. But what angers me is that the whole purpose, reason, the one religion that this country was found upon is the one that is becoming "not acceptable." Are we so far removed from our birth that we don't know the One who gave us life? This country is a gift from God; though you can argue that it wasn't a gift at all with the way we stole it from the native peoples. Yes, I said "we." I'm as much to blame as anyone. You see, my family gets it's main roots from the Portuguese and historically, the Portuguese were the first to bring slaves out of Africa. Though my family didn't come to this country until the early 1900's our heritage is not so wonderful either because of slavery. I'm not saying that we ever had slaves back there because I don't know much of my family beyond my great grandfather - but we belong to a race who did. I'm sure if you take every race who has come to this country to flee religious persecution, you will see some of the same type of violent history in them, too. So, if you broke it down and thought of it in simple terms, human beings are guilty of much oppression within it's own race.
How sick that makes me sometimes. Especially since I know that I'm no better. I don't believe in slavery in any form (whether it's sweat shops, gangs, etc.) nor do I like any kind of war. But what makes me no better is that I don't contribute in ways that I am able to where I am at. Like most others, I am for myself an aweful lot of the time. I am clouded to everything else. I say the next thing with a little hesitation because I don't want anyone to groan - but of late I've been watching a lot of Star Wars so what I'm about to say will reflect that: when I said clouded, it's like this dark side has obstructed my view; I can't see anything paste this dense cloud surrounding the Force of my life (it occured to me last night, too, that George Lucas needs to give some props to God; a lot of the story is reminiscent of the birth of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior and God's own Son sent to save us from ourselves). Here's what I mean: I want to be in love. I want to be married and have kids. I want to see if that is really and truly in my future. On the other hand, what if, no matter how hard I try, my marraige fails and my kids don't turn out well. I don't want that. I don't want to see that; if I did I would have no hope for the future. And isn't hope something we all need? Jesus gives me hope that no matter how much I screw up, if I believe in Him and try my best I will have eternal life. But, on this earth I will have no hope if I have nothing here to hope for. Is that a good thing? Right now, I don't think so because hope is a way to bring people to Christ. They can find rest, hope in Him. So if I don't have any hope then how am I supposed to affect the kingdom? So, maybe seeing the future isn't that great of a desire; no matter how I struggle with my thoughts of a future love, children and grandchildren. It's a struggle that I want to have; if it's in God's Will for me to give others hope. Because that's what I can do: hope for the future. I can't see the future so I can hope and pray and believe that it will be better and be good; I can be positive in these times of uncertainty, war and hatred and pull my fellow neighbors out of their dark sides so they can see the Son, and live wealthy through Him.
How sick that makes me sometimes. Especially since I know that I'm no better. I don't believe in slavery in any form (whether it's sweat shops, gangs, etc.) nor do I like any kind of war. But what makes me no better is that I don't contribute in ways that I am able to where I am at. Like most others, I am for myself an aweful lot of the time. I am clouded to everything else. I say the next thing with a little hesitation because I don't want anyone to groan - but of late I've been watching a lot of Star Wars so what I'm about to say will reflect that: when I said clouded, it's like this dark side has obstructed my view; I can't see anything paste this dense cloud surrounding the Force of my life (it occured to me last night, too, that George Lucas needs to give some props to God; a lot of the story is reminiscent of the birth of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior and God's own Son sent to save us from ourselves). Here's what I mean: I want to be in love. I want to be married and have kids. I want to see if that is really and truly in my future. On the other hand, what if, no matter how hard I try, my marraige fails and my kids don't turn out well. I don't want that. I don't want to see that; if I did I would have no hope for the future. And isn't hope something we all need? Jesus gives me hope that no matter how much I screw up, if I believe in Him and try my best I will have eternal life. But, on this earth I will have no hope if I have nothing here to hope for. Is that a good thing? Right now, I don't think so because hope is a way to bring people to Christ. They can find rest, hope in Him. So if I don't have any hope then how am I supposed to affect the kingdom? So, maybe seeing the future isn't that great of a desire; no matter how I struggle with my thoughts of a future love, children and grandchildren. It's a struggle that I want to have; if it's in God's Will for me to give others hope. Because that's what I can do: hope for the future. I can't see the future so I can hope and pray and believe that it will be better and be good; I can be positive in these times of uncertainty, war and hatred and pull my fellow neighbors out of their dark sides so they can see the Son, and live wealthy through Him.
9.15.2004
After the waves
I am back from vacation; and it's a life-altering return. My vacation could have included many other things but it consisted of all the things that I "needed" as opposed to what I wanted. And that's okay with me. The ten minutes I spent walking along the beach was enough for me to realize certain things about myself, my place in my job, my relationships with my friends and my purpose in life. Yeah, kind of deep, huh? I'm not really a deep person; I'm an emotional person but not a very deep one. I think I just found my inner deepness - if that's even a word.
I also found my version of Willoway Brook. It's Bird Rock on 17 Mile Drive in Monterey, CA (if you're picky, it's probably technically Pacific Grove but whatever). I only walked it for 10 minutes but to take a few deep breaths of crisp ocean air (as deep as anyone with a bad cold could) was really revitalizing. The soft sand churning beneath my feet, which were carefully avoiding the jellyfish washed up along the shore (they sting even when they're dead or dying); my eyes finding small muscle shells devoid of their previous owner but beautiful when reflecting the light of the sun. I brought the first one (and the smallest) I found home with me. It sits on my dresser in my bedroom. Each time I walk by I'm reminded of the precious time I spent walking on that stretch of beach, climbing a few of the rocks to watch the waves crash against them, the salty water filling the many small tide pools in between and around, missing me completely. But it was dangerously close to high tide so back to the high beach I walked avoiding this time the seeweed displaced from it's ocean home. There were only two women who walked past me and huddled between two rocks further up and higher on the beach, reading thier books. But, besides them, it was only me - and my breathing and my heart beating. In the background, there was the sound of the small waves rolling continuously toward the beach and a seagull's squack in the distance but other than that it was just me, for once, at peace. I grew up close to the ocean. I never lived more than 2 1/2 hours away - but it wasn't until those very ten minutes that I remember feeling so connected to it. At first I thought that it was just because it was the first time in awhile that I was able to be alone and without stress. But there was just something about it that was different. And then I realized that I was an idiot. If you look in my bedroom today, you can see just how much I really love the ocean. I have pictures on my wall of it; my bed linens and bedspread is named "Blue Lagoon," there are parfait glasses filled with colored sand to match the bedspread, and I even have a small Yankee candle that smells like ocean water (with the same name). And if you could look into my head and see what I have planned to add to my room, you'll see visions of palm tree leaves lining the top of the three full walls of my bedroom as the border. I am in love with the ocean and I never knew it. No wonder I felt so at peace; I've missed it so much that I've been trying to replicate it in my own home! And, by extension, my office. Everything is blue, like the ocean. Coincidence? Maybe. But I think that my subconscious is working overtime to give me a sense of peace any way it can. I do feel more at peace, though things for the time being are not better (work, home, spiritual). But at least I see a light and see a path opening. And today's meeting helped that - though I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Still, at least I know and they know - that's all I asked for, really.
I also found my version of Willoway Brook. It's Bird Rock on 17 Mile Drive in Monterey, CA (if you're picky, it's probably technically Pacific Grove but whatever). I only walked it for 10 minutes but to take a few deep breaths of crisp ocean air (as deep as anyone with a bad cold could) was really revitalizing. The soft sand churning beneath my feet, which were carefully avoiding the jellyfish washed up along the shore (they sting even when they're dead or dying); my eyes finding small muscle shells devoid of their previous owner but beautiful when reflecting the light of the sun. I brought the first one (and the smallest) I found home with me. It sits on my dresser in my bedroom. Each time I walk by I'm reminded of the precious time I spent walking on that stretch of beach, climbing a few of the rocks to watch the waves crash against them, the salty water filling the many small tide pools in between and around, missing me completely. But it was dangerously close to high tide so back to the high beach I walked avoiding this time the seeweed displaced from it's ocean home. There were only two women who walked past me and huddled between two rocks further up and higher on the beach, reading thier books. But, besides them, it was only me - and my breathing and my heart beating. In the background, there was the sound of the small waves rolling continuously toward the beach and a seagull's squack in the distance but other than that it was just me, for once, at peace. I grew up close to the ocean. I never lived more than 2 1/2 hours away - but it wasn't until those very ten minutes that I remember feeling so connected to it. At first I thought that it was just because it was the first time in awhile that I was able to be alone and without stress. But there was just something about it that was different. And then I realized that I was an idiot. If you look in my bedroom today, you can see just how much I really love the ocean. I have pictures on my wall of it; my bed linens and bedspread is named "Blue Lagoon," there are parfait glasses filled with colored sand to match the bedspread, and I even have a small Yankee candle that smells like ocean water (with the same name). And if you could look into my head and see what I have planned to add to my room, you'll see visions of palm tree leaves lining the top of the three full walls of my bedroom as the border. I am in love with the ocean and I never knew it. No wonder I felt so at peace; I've missed it so much that I've been trying to replicate it in my own home! And, by extension, my office. Everything is blue, like the ocean. Coincidence? Maybe. But I think that my subconscious is working overtime to give me a sense of peace any way it can. I do feel more at peace, though things for the time being are not better (work, home, spiritual). But at least I see a light and see a path opening. And today's meeting helped that - though I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Still, at least I know and they know - that's all I asked for, really.
8.25.2004
Breakaway
How can a song say everything you feel? How is that possible - especially when you didn't write it? I just started to write my autobiography, as it were, a couple years ago. I don't know if it's for me or to be published one day - but for the last three years I feel strongly about writing what I know, which is me and my life. I picked back up with the story a couple weeks ago, just before Kelly Clarkson's new song came out, "Breakaway." I didn't even catch the words the first few times but I knew I really, really felt drawn to the song. The first verse (all of it before the first chorus) is all about me. All about how I felt growing up: pre-school, elementary school, jr. high, high school and college. I guess my biggest breakaway was when I moved here to Indiana, where I still reside. It was the first time I stood up to anyone, let alone my parents, and said, "I don't care what I have to do, I'm going with or without you." Luckily, I have some of the best parents ever - they picked up thier lives and moved with me so my transition would be easier. How cool is that!? I'm a very lucky and a very blessed young lady...er, woman now. I don't think a 28-year-old is thought of as a young lady anymore; technically, I'm a woman.
Grew up in a small town, And when the rain would fall down, I'd just stare out my window, Dreamin' of what could be, And if I'd end up happy, I would pray. Trying hard to reach out, But when I tried to speak out, Felt like no one could hear me, Wanted to belong here, But something felt so wrong here, So I'd pray, I could breakaway.
So yeah, I broke away but what did I do with it? So far, not too much. And then again, a lot. But I think we all want to do and be more. We all want to be known for something - or just to be known. Lately, I feel more like the second verse:
Want to feel the warm breeze, Sleep under a palm tree, Feel the rush of the ocean. Get onboard a fast train, Travel on a jet plane, Faraway, And breakaway.
And then really, I feel like this totally:
Buildings with a hundred floors, Swinging 'round revolvin' doors, Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, But gotta keep movin' on, Movin' on, Fly away, Breakaway.
It's a crazy thing - this thing we call life. But, you know what, it's worth living - no matter what happens, where we go, what we do and where we, eventually, end up. Right now, I'm successful in many things - one of those is not financially. It's scary at times but it's only money. I'm not taking my debt to Heaven - or anything for that matter. Just my soul, in the presence of my Jesus, my Lord and my Savior. And for those who don't believe in Him, I'll pray for you, for them. Because one thing that I do know is that no matter where I am, where I go, what I breakaway to - He's always there beside me. Through the bad and the good. :-) When I make bad decisions and good ones. It's all to help me learn and grow - and maybe I'm a little bit of a slow learner. He knows that; but He's still patient. He knows what I'm here for and He knows that I know that, too - though sometimes I forget that. He knows I'll do that sometimes, too. And still I know that He loves me more than anybody on this earth could; and that the one that does will love Him, too. I just have to be patient, like Him. Just be like Jesus. It may sound hard - and it is - but it's worth getting there. Believe me, it's better than anything this life says is better. It isn't; there's still a hole there because it's the void that is meant for Him to fill.
Some people go their whole lives without finding out why they can be so successful and feel so incomplete, still. And that's sad; becuase no matter how depressed I get sometimes, it's nothing like when I was without Him - nothing like it. Being with Him is worth everything. Of course, I have to be honest - I am so not perfect. To be in debt like I am is not being a very faithful servant. I know that I may "make up" for it in other ways; but it's discipline that I lack. And I can see that now. I can see that discipline is always what I've lacked. It's the one thing that I need to focus on right now.
After my vacation, which will begin a week from this Friday, I need to "breakaway" from my current situation. I need to put it in His hands; even though I know it will take a lot of work and be difficult. Sometimes His way isn't the easiest way but it's always the best way. It always works out better than any way you can come up with; or any "quick fix." It's going to take a lot of discipline, determination and drive - the three d's I dont' have but I need. And He's already given me two ways to do it: Mary Kay and my "not lost, but misplaced" love of writing. Let's face it, I will always be "verbose." It's the way He wired me...and maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to see that that is a good thing. :-)
Grew up in a small town, And when the rain would fall down, I'd just stare out my window, Dreamin' of what could be, And if I'd end up happy, I would pray. Trying hard to reach out, But when I tried to speak out, Felt like no one could hear me, Wanted to belong here, But something felt so wrong here, So I'd pray, I could breakaway.
So yeah, I broke away but what did I do with it? So far, not too much. And then again, a lot. But I think we all want to do and be more. We all want to be known for something - or just to be known. Lately, I feel more like the second verse:
Want to feel the warm breeze, Sleep under a palm tree, Feel the rush of the ocean. Get onboard a fast train, Travel on a jet plane, Faraway, And breakaway.
And then really, I feel like this totally:
Buildings with a hundred floors, Swinging 'round revolvin' doors, Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me, But gotta keep movin' on, Movin' on, Fly away, Breakaway.
It's a crazy thing - this thing we call life. But, you know what, it's worth living - no matter what happens, where we go, what we do and where we, eventually, end up. Right now, I'm successful in many things - one of those is not financially. It's scary at times but it's only money. I'm not taking my debt to Heaven - or anything for that matter. Just my soul, in the presence of my Jesus, my Lord and my Savior. And for those who don't believe in Him, I'll pray for you, for them. Because one thing that I do know is that no matter where I am, where I go, what I breakaway to - He's always there beside me. Through the bad and the good. :-) When I make bad decisions and good ones. It's all to help me learn and grow - and maybe I'm a little bit of a slow learner. He knows that; but He's still patient. He knows what I'm here for and He knows that I know that, too - though sometimes I forget that. He knows I'll do that sometimes, too. And still I know that He loves me more than anybody on this earth could; and that the one that does will love Him, too. I just have to be patient, like Him. Just be like Jesus. It may sound hard - and it is - but it's worth getting there. Believe me, it's better than anything this life says is better. It isn't; there's still a hole there because it's the void that is meant for Him to fill.
Some people go their whole lives without finding out why they can be so successful and feel so incomplete, still. And that's sad; becuase no matter how depressed I get sometimes, it's nothing like when I was without Him - nothing like it. Being with Him is worth everything. Of course, I have to be honest - I am so not perfect. To be in debt like I am is not being a very faithful servant. I know that I may "make up" for it in other ways; but it's discipline that I lack. And I can see that now. I can see that discipline is always what I've lacked. It's the one thing that I need to focus on right now.
After my vacation, which will begin a week from this Friday, I need to "breakaway" from my current situation. I need to put it in His hands; even though I know it will take a lot of work and be difficult. Sometimes His way isn't the easiest way but it's always the best way. It always works out better than any way you can come up with; or any "quick fix." It's going to take a lot of discipline, determination and drive - the three d's I dont' have but I need. And He's already given me two ways to do it: Mary Kay and my "not lost, but misplaced" love of writing. Let's face it, I will always be "verbose." It's the way He wired me...and maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to see that that is a good thing. :-)
8.18.2004
Cool Website
Hey, y'all!
I just found a new website that I really like. Of course, it's a movie website (as usual) but who cares? It's still cool.
Anyway, go to www.withoutapaddlemovie.com. I think that this is the movie I'll be seeing this weekend. It looks soooo funny! :-) Well, gotta go!
I just found a new website that I really like. Of course, it's a movie website (as usual) but who cares? It's still cool.
Anyway, go to www.withoutapaddlemovie.com. I think that this is the movie I'll be seeing this weekend. It looks soooo funny! :-) Well, gotta go!
8.16.2004
I am so not talented...
Okay, I don't mean that in everything but my writing skill for news articles is almost nil. My article really is bad. My interview, though I gathered a lot of info, was bad; after having to listen to myself ask questions so confusingly to the person I wonder how he understood me at all. And I asked questions that led him to go off on tangents - which doesn't help with my angle. It just gave me a lot of info I didn't need. Well, I guess you have to start somewhere - and I'm starting at the bottom again, apparently.
I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I know that. LJ does like things specific and we don't have the same brain so if he changes it a lot then I shouldn't take it personally. I probably will at least a little, though. I know me. If I know I can do something better, like most everyone else, then it irks me that I couldn't do it better at the time. Isn't that how it always goes, though? You do something and work really hard on it but it just doesn't come out the way you want. You have to turn it in; realizing it's really not that bad and they are going to like it but you wanted to be perfect. And then a day later, after you've turned it in, that idea/that little "inspiration" you had been looking for finally comes to you. At that moment, you want to kick yourself or at least give your wall a good beating. Eventually, though, you relaize that if it was meant to be it would've already happened. And then you feel better about it so you think on the bright side: you can apply what you just learned the next time you are in the same position.
This time, though, I'm not at a deadline so I do still have time to find that "little inspiration" before it's too late. :-)
I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I know that. LJ does like things specific and we don't have the same brain so if he changes it a lot then I shouldn't take it personally. I probably will at least a little, though. I know me. If I know I can do something better, like most everyone else, then it irks me that I couldn't do it better at the time. Isn't that how it always goes, though? You do something and work really hard on it but it just doesn't come out the way you want. You have to turn it in; realizing it's really not that bad and they are going to like it but you wanted to be perfect. And then a day later, after you've turned it in, that idea/that little "inspiration" you had been looking for finally comes to you. At that moment, you want to kick yourself or at least give your wall a good beating. Eventually, though, you relaize that if it was meant to be it would've already happened. And then you feel better about it so you think on the bright side: you can apply what you just learned the next time you are in the same position.
This time, though, I'm not at a deadline so I do still have time to find that "little inspiration" before it's too late. :-)
Boys, boys, boys
I guess I should be saying men, men, men. But all men are boys; all boys are not men so I guess we'll stick with calling them boys. There's a song that I really have come to like a lot lately. It's a love song but an innocent one. It's not one of the usual "all about sex" love songs that seem to dominate the airwaves, discustingly so. The chorus goes like this:
"I don't want another pretty face; I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste. I want you and your beautiful soul. You're the one I want to chase, you're the one I want to hold. I won't let another minute go to waste; I want you and your beautiful soul."
Wow, that's how I feel; how I've always felt. But especially the third sentence: I don't want my love to go to waste. I've seen that with my own eyes; my parents divorced and though it was the right decision, I know I don't want that. I want to find that person who will be in it with me for the long haul; and I with him. I may be too old for the 50 year anniversary dream, but that's really what I want. I want someone's beautiful soul; and I want to give my beautiful soul completely away to that person forever. And that includes wanting Christ to stand firmly at the center of the two of us, for everyone to see. I guess I want it all, huh?
I see how some unions are just so blessed and precious. Tessa and Korry are a great example. How blessed is their relationship; even before their marraige. People who know them know that Christ is their center - always. I can't even say that about myself weekly. I know that I am in a desert place right now; I know that I'm growing and being disciplined and that I have to go through this to grow stronger in my faith and with Christ. My only hope through this is that I can become the woman of a future partnership where my husband is even more firmly planted with Christ than I am. Not that I won't be even stronger in my faith at the end of this but that he can further encourage me and I can encourage/compliment him in his faith. I am also a bit old-fashioned when it comes to the man and woman roles but that doesn't mean that I don't have a little of that "independent" woman inside me. She's definitely there and needs to be satisfied; which I'm hoping to do with my writing and other gifts. But there is a balance that can be reached between a husband and a wife; and I hope that he and I can find that balance one day - to be respectful of each others needs.
I know it seems silly to be writing about these things when there is no man in my life suitable for even dating. I've met some really great guys lately; but there are no sparks or romantic chemistry. However, without trying, I've grown in my knowledge of who God wants for me through these new friendships. It's uplifting to finally know that it is a desire of God's heart for me to be married, have a family; this desire that has burned within me so long is from Him. It's not just a desire that I have; it's one He has for me.
For example, I met a really nice "boy" last night. He's a friend of Alisa's. I was hanging out at her place and he joined us to watch the Olympics and dinner. He was pleasant to be around; he didn't seem to be at all offended or annoyed by my outspokenness with sports; and he had a clean mouth. I don't know if he's a Christian but I enjoyed the fact that I could be myself around some strange guy and not feel bad in any way about it. That helped me last night to see that there are guys out there that are actually gentleman and fun to hang with without the whole "ooh, does he like me thing," going on in my head - or his, for that matter. I so believe that friendships between men and women are important to have before anything serious starts. You have to really know someone before you can trust them with your life. I'm not saying that this will happen between me and him (I'll probalby never see him again) but it's encouraging to be yourself around the opposite sex and not have that pressure to impress them. It's given me confidence to be more real with "strange men" because who knows if the next one I meet will be The One? In the meantime, I might just make some really cool friends. :-)
"I don't want another pretty face; I don't want just anyone to hold. I don't want my love to go to waste. I want you and your beautiful soul. You're the one I want to chase, you're the one I want to hold. I won't let another minute go to waste; I want you and your beautiful soul."
Wow, that's how I feel; how I've always felt. But especially the third sentence: I don't want my love to go to waste. I've seen that with my own eyes; my parents divorced and though it was the right decision, I know I don't want that. I want to find that person who will be in it with me for the long haul; and I with him. I may be too old for the 50 year anniversary dream, but that's really what I want. I want someone's beautiful soul; and I want to give my beautiful soul completely away to that person forever. And that includes wanting Christ to stand firmly at the center of the two of us, for everyone to see. I guess I want it all, huh?
I see how some unions are just so blessed and precious. Tessa and Korry are a great example. How blessed is their relationship; even before their marraige. People who know them know that Christ is their center - always. I can't even say that about myself weekly. I know that I am in a desert place right now; I know that I'm growing and being disciplined and that I have to go through this to grow stronger in my faith and with Christ. My only hope through this is that I can become the woman of a future partnership where my husband is even more firmly planted with Christ than I am. Not that I won't be even stronger in my faith at the end of this but that he can further encourage me and I can encourage/compliment him in his faith. I am also a bit old-fashioned when it comes to the man and woman roles but that doesn't mean that I don't have a little of that "independent" woman inside me. She's definitely there and needs to be satisfied; which I'm hoping to do with my writing and other gifts. But there is a balance that can be reached between a husband and a wife; and I hope that he and I can find that balance one day - to be respectful of each others needs.
I know it seems silly to be writing about these things when there is no man in my life suitable for even dating. I've met some really great guys lately; but there are no sparks or romantic chemistry. However, without trying, I've grown in my knowledge of who God wants for me through these new friendships. It's uplifting to finally know that it is a desire of God's heart for me to be married, have a family; this desire that has burned within me so long is from Him. It's not just a desire that I have; it's one He has for me.
For example, I met a really nice "boy" last night. He's a friend of Alisa's. I was hanging out at her place and he joined us to watch the Olympics and dinner. He was pleasant to be around; he didn't seem to be at all offended or annoyed by my outspokenness with sports; and he had a clean mouth. I don't know if he's a Christian but I enjoyed the fact that I could be myself around some strange guy and not feel bad in any way about it. That helped me last night to see that there are guys out there that are actually gentleman and fun to hang with without the whole "ooh, does he like me thing," going on in my head - or his, for that matter. I so believe that friendships between men and women are important to have before anything serious starts. You have to really know someone before you can trust them with your life. I'm not saying that this will happen between me and him (I'll probalby never see him again) but it's encouraging to be yourself around the opposite sex and not have that pressure to impress them. It's given me confidence to be more real with "strange men" because who knows if the next one I meet will be The One? In the meantime, I might just make some really cool friends. :-)
8.13.2004
Conviction of the Heart
"And down your streets I've walked alone, as if my feet were not my own. Such is the path I chose, doors I have opened and closed. I'm tired of living this lie, fooling myself, believing we're right. I've never given love with any conviction of the heart...how much longer must we wait to change this world that we live in; to know what it is to forgive, be forgiven. "
It all starts with heart - the convictions that live within it. What we truly are at our center - God's chosen; His living, breathing, thinking, feeling creation - human beings. We aren't perfect and we never will be. We were made, however, to be like Him, "in His image."
Today, though, I was upset at my reaction to something at work. Getting work an hour and a half before I leave on a Friday is never fun; especially when it will more than likely make you stay longer than normal - and you have plans that night! But, sitting here writing this, I'm actually almost done with my project. So why did I react by saying, "Can I go scream now?" I mean it isn't taking me that long; it isn't difficult. I was calm about it but maybe my attitude was a bit unprofessional and rude. It is things like this that have shown me that I don't like this part of me right now. I never used to be this way. Things are going to happen at the last minute; that's a given. But I have noticed that I don't do things in love much anymore. I need to get back to that; to that person I was (and was growing into even more) that did everything out of love and a real desire to serve. My convictions aren't in the right place right now. Like Ricki always told Lucy, "You've got some explain' to do." I have some explaining to do; but so does everyone else. I know it isn't just me; I can't blame myself for everyone else's inequities. I need to remember that and not be so hard on myself; it's not good for my confidence - or my heart.
My heart is a precious thing - I need to take care of it much better; and use it much more compassionately.
It all starts with heart - the convictions that live within it. What we truly are at our center - God's chosen; His living, breathing, thinking, feeling creation - human beings. We aren't perfect and we never will be. We were made, however, to be like Him, "in His image."
Today, though, I was upset at my reaction to something at work. Getting work an hour and a half before I leave on a Friday is never fun; especially when it will more than likely make you stay longer than normal - and you have plans that night! But, sitting here writing this, I'm actually almost done with my project. So why did I react by saying, "Can I go scream now?" I mean it isn't taking me that long; it isn't difficult. I was calm about it but maybe my attitude was a bit unprofessional and rude. It is things like this that have shown me that I don't like this part of me right now. I never used to be this way. Things are going to happen at the last minute; that's a given. But I have noticed that I don't do things in love much anymore. I need to get back to that; to that person I was (and was growing into even more) that did everything out of love and a real desire to serve. My convictions aren't in the right place right now. Like Ricki always told Lucy, "You've got some explain' to do." I have some explaining to do; but so does everyone else. I know it isn't just me; I can't blame myself for everyone else's inequities. I need to remember that and not be so hard on myself; it's not good for my confidence - or my heart.
My heart is a precious thing - I need to take care of it much better; and use it much more compassionately.
8.11.2004
Drink from This Water
"You'll never find her story in a fairytale 'cause she was unlike the other women at the well. Her life was full of pain, hurt, rejection, her loneliness she didn't want to show. But Jesus saw the desert in her soul. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again.
We all search for something to fill us up inside. But it's only an illusion, you know a true love's hard to find. But I'm here to tell you there's one place your thirst is quenched forevermore. You will never leave there disappointed, you'll find what you are longing for. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again.
And oh, Jesus will meet you at the place of every need, and only He can make the wounded whole and make the blind man see. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from the living water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again."
The lyrics to the song above is what I've listened to over and over this morning - a time that my heart is full of anger, resentment, sorrow and selfishness. I've had trouble keeping them in check but everything and everybody around me continue to do things that increase them; instead of decreasing them. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt; I try to let things go like I used to. But when you are held accountable for everything but the other person isn't, it makes living hard. When do you say, "Hey, it's great that we talk about stuff but when are you going to be as accountable as you want me to be?" I'm tired of being so open and honest and then everyone else holding back.
Sometimes when you are completely honest, it backfires. But at least you didn't lie about it; hopefully one day that person will see your honesty as a good part of your character. I've told a friend before that there was a time that I was angry and in that moment I probably did react in a way that intentionally wanted to make them feel as hurt as I did. I'm not the only person in this world that has ever done that, though, but I'm blamed for it. You don't mean to do it but at the time you just can't be rational. Looking back on it and discussing it, I was honest with them. I didn't feel that way now but it didn't seem to matter - "That hurts" was all I heard. Okay, so that's strike one on me.
I know I'm not perfect but I try to be the best I can. I try not to be selfish; but this last year has been horrible. Things aren't back to normal and they never will be. My stepdad will always be recovering from cancer; my grandfather is still fighting it; I still don't know what to do with my life; and now I'm wondering if any of my friends are really my friends. There are about two I can name right at this moment that isn't mad at me or isn't annoyed with me. I really am not trying to inspire those feelings toward me but somehow that's how they feel.
So this song has helped to calm me. We all have something in our past, present, or future that Jesus died to save us from; to show us that we can let it go. I'm going to try to let go of this anger, resentment, sorrow and selfishness today. I'm going to try one more time to step aside and let people/friends do what they will and live how they are used to living. I'm coming to see that it isn't how I want to live my life. I also see that if I had no friends I still would be the wealthiest woman on earth because Jesus is at my side, always without fail. I can always turn to Him when things get rough. He just says, "Here, drink this. It will make you feel better." You do and you feel alive, refreshed, and loved. Then He gives you a great big hug and everything is alright again, completely. And even if that hug included a little constructive criticism, it's still the best hug ever. I really needed to hear this song this morning. I needed to be reminded that there are bigger things than myself and my situations. If my friends choose not to talk to me about stuff, I can't help that. But I can't just sit here and be told what to do either. I can be patient though and I can go about my day in a way that glorifies the Lord. I can trust Him to rectify the situation in His perfect way. So that's what I'm going to do today. It's a busy day, too, so that will help me stay calm about things.
I love Him; I really do. Sometimes it doesn't look like it but I have a faith that is really strong. No matter how depressed I may get (and how angry I may get because no one on this earth ever recognizes it), He's always there to pull me back. He's always there to tell me that He loves me more than anyone ever could. And that's the greatest feeling ever. I am never alone because He won't ever let me be - He walks with me everyday, everywhere I go, everything I do. Like the sinner that I am, I just forget that He's there. But, today, I don't want to forget Him so today I'm going to tie myself to Him and we can walk each step together - legs joined by the unbreakable bond called "Salvation."
We all search for something to fill us up inside. But it's only an illusion, you know a true love's hard to find. But I'm here to tell you there's one place your thirst is quenched forevermore. You will never leave there disappointed, you'll find what you are longing for. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again.
And oh, Jesus will meet you at the place of every need, and only He can make the wounded whole and make the blind man see. Drink from this water; drink from this water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from the living water and you will never, you'll never thirst again. Drink from this water; drink from this water. You will never, you'll never thirst again."
The lyrics to the song above is what I've listened to over and over this morning - a time that my heart is full of anger, resentment, sorrow and selfishness. I've had trouble keeping them in check but everything and everybody around me continue to do things that increase them; instead of decreasing them. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt; I try to let things go like I used to. But when you are held accountable for everything but the other person isn't, it makes living hard. When do you say, "Hey, it's great that we talk about stuff but when are you going to be as accountable as you want me to be?" I'm tired of being so open and honest and then everyone else holding back.
Sometimes when you are completely honest, it backfires. But at least you didn't lie about it; hopefully one day that person will see your honesty as a good part of your character. I've told a friend before that there was a time that I was angry and in that moment I probably did react in a way that intentionally wanted to make them feel as hurt as I did. I'm not the only person in this world that has ever done that, though, but I'm blamed for it. You don't mean to do it but at the time you just can't be rational. Looking back on it and discussing it, I was honest with them. I didn't feel that way now but it didn't seem to matter - "That hurts" was all I heard. Okay, so that's strike one on me.
I know I'm not perfect but I try to be the best I can. I try not to be selfish; but this last year has been horrible. Things aren't back to normal and they never will be. My stepdad will always be recovering from cancer; my grandfather is still fighting it; I still don't know what to do with my life; and now I'm wondering if any of my friends are really my friends. There are about two I can name right at this moment that isn't mad at me or isn't annoyed with me. I really am not trying to inspire those feelings toward me but somehow that's how they feel.
So this song has helped to calm me. We all have something in our past, present, or future that Jesus died to save us from; to show us that we can let it go. I'm going to try to let go of this anger, resentment, sorrow and selfishness today. I'm going to try one more time to step aside and let people/friends do what they will and live how they are used to living. I'm coming to see that it isn't how I want to live my life. I also see that if I had no friends I still would be the wealthiest woman on earth because Jesus is at my side, always without fail. I can always turn to Him when things get rough. He just says, "Here, drink this. It will make you feel better." You do and you feel alive, refreshed, and loved. Then He gives you a great big hug and everything is alright again, completely. And even if that hug included a little constructive criticism, it's still the best hug ever. I really needed to hear this song this morning. I needed to be reminded that there are bigger things than myself and my situations. If my friends choose not to talk to me about stuff, I can't help that. But I can't just sit here and be told what to do either. I can be patient though and I can go about my day in a way that glorifies the Lord. I can trust Him to rectify the situation in His perfect way. So that's what I'm going to do today. It's a busy day, too, so that will help me stay calm about things.
I love Him; I really do. Sometimes it doesn't look like it but I have a faith that is really strong. No matter how depressed I may get (and how angry I may get because no one on this earth ever recognizes it), He's always there to pull me back. He's always there to tell me that He loves me more than anyone ever could. And that's the greatest feeling ever. I am never alone because He won't ever let me be - He walks with me everyday, everywhere I go, everything I do. Like the sinner that I am, I just forget that He's there. But, today, I don't want to forget Him so today I'm going to tie myself to Him and we can walk each step together - legs joined by the unbreakable bond called "Salvation."
8.03.2004
Passion
Okay. So I had a good talk with my mom last night. She's pretty smart. Of course, she's a mom and they are always right. I think this was one time, of late, that she actually really knew how I was feeling. She said it herself, "You are restless. You didn't go to college to be in a job that takes you nowhere. You just have had trouble making decisions." She is so right. I do. There is so much that I want to be and do that I can't decide WHAT to do. I want to be a sportscaster on ESPN; I want to write for Sports Illustrated; I want to run my own newletter or magazine; I want to run my own dance studio/restaurant that doubles as a nightclub on the weekends (the restaurant is connected to the dance studio). I want to travel and learn really where my family came from (Azores Islands). I want to learn Portuguese (though languages are hard for me to learn; even Portuguese). I want to go on another mission trip. I want to write a screenplay. I want to write a novel. I want to write short stories. I just want to write. I want to dance and perform. Once, I'd like to try acting for real - but I'd rather be behind the camera as one of the writers/directors even more so. I want my visions to be on screen and touch people that are hard to touch. I want to find a ministry in my church to plug in and really utilize the gifts I've been given; something that satisfies my inner being to contribute and follows God's will. Something that is my own and people respect me for what God's given me; respecting, of course, God first. I want to plan events and get paid for it - I think I'd be very good at it. I know without a doubt now that I have the gift of hospitality. I want to be a chef. I want to have my friends over for a gourmet meal at least once a week. I want my family to live closer to me. I want someone to know me almost as well as God does; who has similar interests and would be a partner to pursue those interests with; someone that compliments me, and me them. I want to feel alive again.
I'm dead right now. Not literally, but figuratively. Passion is an important thing in everyone's life. When you lack passion, it's even hard to get out of bed in the morning and do everything that day that you HAVE to do. You really don't want to do anything. You lose perspective on a lot of things but one - that you feel useless; that no matter how hard others try to make you feel better it doesn't work and it isn't going to. You still feel usless; like you don't have a purpose. I know I have a purpose and it's eating at me. And I know that God's telling me to be patient but also not to be comfortable. And I'm definitely not comfortable right now. I haven't been for awhile. He created me to do more than what I'm doing. Partly, that's my fault. I let myself get too comfortable; when I know eventually I'll be very unhappy. I have always needed to do something that makes me feel like I have contributed in a way that no one else could have. I don't have that now. I can make myself be okay with what I'm doing right now; I've done that for several months now. But when it isn't what you desire and that inside you know it's not what God wants you to desire to be for the rest of your life, you get restless and cranky and impatient. Hi, that's me. I'm restless, cranky and impatient. But I have kept it out of the lives of my employers for awhile. Except now that my mistakes are becoming more and more important, I have to be open and honest. I know, too, that I'm still supposed to be in this job for awhile. But I have to be used as if I have something to bring to the table. I have been told instead what to be and do; what I really signed up to do has been taken away and that's okay - for now. In the meantime, I need to be treated with more respect than just a do this and do that type of girl. I need to be part of projects that mean something; not just sit here as a secretary and do boring, daily tasks that I don't do well. We have many people here that are great at what I do and love it. I've tried but it isn't me; and I've finally figured out that that's okay. I don't have to be good at this to be good at something else. I have to stop telling myself that because I make mistakes in part of this job doesn't mean that I can't do anything. I've just been given different gifts. But I know right now that the guys need me; but they have to give me something, too. If I'm to stay in this position, if I'm supposed to be "okay" with how things went down, then they have to give me a worthwhile reason to do so. I hope to get this across today. I love them, I really do. And I know that they enjoy me and they wanted me to be with them. But one question wasn't really asked by them to me - what do you want? And I probably would have chosen to give up the pub...you know what? No, I wouldn't have done that. I would have come up with a way to work it out so that I would still do part of the pubs (or organized htem all into one part-time position) and they'd get someone better suited for this position. You know, I really really know now that I would've taken a pay cut and got a part-time job elsewhere. But that didn't happen so I can't say woulda, shoulda, coulda. All I know is that right now I have to stand up for myself and give them respect by being respectful myself and telling them honestly how I feel and what I've been praying about since I started feeling this way in February. And that I'm not quitting; I just need to feel connected in some way to this ministry. That just because I'm a girl doesn't mean that I'm going to be great at being a secretary. I am one of those "independent" women that, if she had her way, would be a successful career woman. I know I'm on the right path, though. It's just finally time I started to do the things that God wants me to do; I can't sit and let Him just give me everything; I have to take action when He says to. And that begins now. It's time for me to get up off my behind and do something about it; He can't do everything for us and He doesn't mean to. He gives us the tools to use and we use them. I haven't been so I need to now.
I'm dead right now. Not literally, but figuratively. Passion is an important thing in everyone's life. When you lack passion, it's even hard to get out of bed in the morning and do everything that day that you HAVE to do. You really don't want to do anything. You lose perspective on a lot of things but one - that you feel useless; that no matter how hard others try to make you feel better it doesn't work and it isn't going to. You still feel usless; like you don't have a purpose. I know I have a purpose and it's eating at me. And I know that God's telling me to be patient but also not to be comfortable. And I'm definitely not comfortable right now. I haven't been for awhile. He created me to do more than what I'm doing. Partly, that's my fault. I let myself get too comfortable; when I know eventually I'll be very unhappy. I have always needed to do something that makes me feel like I have contributed in a way that no one else could have. I don't have that now. I can make myself be okay with what I'm doing right now; I've done that for several months now. But when it isn't what you desire and that inside you know it's not what God wants you to desire to be for the rest of your life, you get restless and cranky and impatient. Hi, that's me. I'm restless, cranky and impatient. But I have kept it out of the lives of my employers for awhile. Except now that my mistakes are becoming more and more important, I have to be open and honest. I know, too, that I'm still supposed to be in this job for awhile. But I have to be used as if I have something to bring to the table. I have been told instead what to be and do; what I really signed up to do has been taken away and that's okay - for now. In the meantime, I need to be treated with more respect than just a do this and do that type of girl. I need to be part of projects that mean something; not just sit here as a secretary and do boring, daily tasks that I don't do well. We have many people here that are great at what I do and love it. I've tried but it isn't me; and I've finally figured out that that's okay. I don't have to be good at this to be good at something else. I have to stop telling myself that because I make mistakes in part of this job doesn't mean that I can't do anything. I've just been given different gifts. But I know right now that the guys need me; but they have to give me something, too. If I'm to stay in this position, if I'm supposed to be "okay" with how things went down, then they have to give me a worthwhile reason to do so. I hope to get this across today. I love them, I really do. And I know that they enjoy me and they wanted me to be with them. But one question wasn't really asked by them to me - what do you want? And I probably would have chosen to give up the pub...you know what? No, I wouldn't have done that. I would have come up with a way to work it out so that I would still do part of the pubs (or organized htem all into one part-time position) and they'd get someone better suited for this position. You know, I really really know now that I would've taken a pay cut and got a part-time job elsewhere. But that didn't happen so I can't say woulda, shoulda, coulda. All I know is that right now I have to stand up for myself and give them respect by being respectful myself and telling them honestly how I feel and what I've been praying about since I started feeling this way in February. And that I'm not quitting; I just need to feel connected in some way to this ministry. That just because I'm a girl doesn't mean that I'm going to be great at being a secretary. I am one of those "independent" women that, if she had her way, would be a successful career woman. I know I'm on the right path, though. It's just finally time I started to do the things that God wants me to do; I can't sit and let Him just give me everything; I have to take action when He says to. And that begins now. It's time for me to get up off my behind and do something about it; He can't do everything for us and He doesn't mean to. He gives us the tools to use and we use them. I haven't been so I need to now.
8.02.2004
AAAUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
You know what I want? One week - just one week - where I can come in to work and not receive an e-mail that says "these slides were wrong." AUGH! I am so tired of working really hard on the slides and still making mistakes. I don't make any mistakes anywhere else. It's just usually the slides - and I spent a lot of time on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday last week checking and double-checking.
I really think that Claudia is right - I lack passion for my job right now. No matter how hard I work, it's not the same as working hard with passion. I'm bored with it. I try and try to be perfect at all aspects of my job - but let's face it - I'm not cut out to be an administrative assistant for the rest of my life. It's not a hard job and there are some great perks to my job. But if I just come to work to work and it doesn't mean anything to me - no matter how hard I try to make it mean something - then it's not the job for me forever. But I know that right now I can't leave it. There are benefits to my job that I need right now. On the other hand, if I'm required to be perfect at certain things (which no one can be) then maybe they need to let me go. I know it would be hard for them (harder for me) but if my minor mistakes are that important then a change is needed.
I mean, c'mon. I never made this many spelling mistakes even while I was Editor of my high school and college newspaper. That has to say something about how I lack passion for what I'm doing. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be happy where I am. I'm restless; always have been. I get bored very easily. If I wasn't so scared to take more medication, I don't think I would have worked as hard and done as many things in high school that I did to keep myself busy enough so my parents couldn't see that it wasn't just my brother who had ADD. I saw a lot of me in Aaron; he just didn't learn how to channel it well or have an excuse to - like I did. How is it that my younger brother taught me so much growing up without knowing it? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Wasn't I supposed to be setting an example and teaching him? Oh, well - that's just one of the mysteries in life, I guess.
I'm feeling a little better now that I've gotten this work stuff off my chest. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't still need to meet with my employers about it. I know they like me and enjoy having me around but if my work isn't up to snuff then I don't want to bring the ministry down anymore. I don't want that to be my legacy here. And, I really don't feel the desire to leave them - just the desire to feel like I'm really and truly needed because of how I'm gifted. That's not what I feel right now, at all. Everyone around me seems to have a niche; I do not. And I know that I need to; it's how I'm wired. I've been trying to re-wire myself but I know now that it's God that's been hampering my re-wiring. He made me who I am for a purpose; now I just hope that others can see that.
I'm meeting with someone before I meet with them today who will give me good advice on the situation. I'm hoping to make known my feelings so I know how to approach them. Just because I'm going through some stuff, doesn't mean that it should affect my job and my relationship with my employers. I want to handle it the correct way; and I want to make sure that it's the right time to say something. I just want to be utilized for my gifts; not as a catch-all. It isn't me; and, frankly, it's degrading. There's a reason why I was in college for 5 1/2 years and if I'm not going to be utilized here in any capacity that uses my talents and abilities then I need to go somewhere that I really can make a difference - ar at least start the process.
I feel much better when I write things. I know that I will always be able to write my feelings and vent through my writing. It really is my best, most genuine outlet. It's so easy for me. I really need to do it more; and anytime I feel I need to, even during work. It doesn't matter who reads it either. It's just me being me and if anyone doesn't like it then we can talk about it and work through it. I just can't not be me anymore; I'm not willing to give me up for the world. For God, yes. The world, no. And I feel like I'm giving me up for everyone else to be happy; and I can't do that anymore. I can be happy with them but not for them; it doesn't do anything for my self-esteem. So, Roger is right; I need to change that little thing about me. That's something that I have to work on; nobody else can do it but me.
I really think that Claudia is right - I lack passion for my job right now. No matter how hard I work, it's not the same as working hard with passion. I'm bored with it. I try and try to be perfect at all aspects of my job - but let's face it - I'm not cut out to be an administrative assistant for the rest of my life. It's not a hard job and there are some great perks to my job. But if I just come to work to work and it doesn't mean anything to me - no matter how hard I try to make it mean something - then it's not the job for me forever. But I know that right now I can't leave it. There are benefits to my job that I need right now. On the other hand, if I'm required to be perfect at certain things (which no one can be) then maybe they need to let me go. I know it would be hard for them (harder for me) but if my minor mistakes are that important then a change is needed.
I mean, c'mon. I never made this many spelling mistakes even while I was Editor of my high school and college newspaper. That has to say something about how I lack passion for what I'm doing. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to be happy where I am. I'm restless; always have been. I get bored very easily. If I wasn't so scared to take more medication, I don't think I would have worked as hard and done as many things in high school that I did to keep myself busy enough so my parents couldn't see that it wasn't just my brother who had ADD. I saw a lot of me in Aaron; he just didn't learn how to channel it well or have an excuse to - like I did. How is it that my younger brother taught me so much growing up without knowing it? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Wasn't I supposed to be setting an example and teaching him? Oh, well - that's just one of the mysteries in life, I guess.
I'm feeling a little better now that I've gotten this work stuff off my chest. Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't still need to meet with my employers about it. I know they like me and enjoy having me around but if my work isn't up to snuff then I don't want to bring the ministry down anymore. I don't want that to be my legacy here. And, I really don't feel the desire to leave them - just the desire to feel like I'm really and truly needed because of how I'm gifted. That's not what I feel right now, at all. Everyone around me seems to have a niche; I do not. And I know that I need to; it's how I'm wired. I've been trying to re-wire myself but I know now that it's God that's been hampering my re-wiring. He made me who I am for a purpose; now I just hope that others can see that.
I'm meeting with someone before I meet with them today who will give me good advice on the situation. I'm hoping to make known my feelings so I know how to approach them. Just because I'm going through some stuff, doesn't mean that it should affect my job and my relationship with my employers. I want to handle it the correct way; and I want to make sure that it's the right time to say something. I just want to be utilized for my gifts; not as a catch-all. It isn't me; and, frankly, it's degrading. There's a reason why I was in college for 5 1/2 years and if I'm not going to be utilized here in any capacity that uses my talents and abilities then I need to go somewhere that I really can make a difference - ar at least start the process.
I feel much better when I write things. I know that I will always be able to write my feelings and vent through my writing. It really is my best, most genuine outlet. It's so easy for me. I really need to do it more; and anytime I feel I need to, even during work. It doesn't matter who reads it either. It's just me being me and if anyone doesn't like it then we can talk about it and work through it. I just can't not be me anymore; I'm not willing to give me up for the world. For God, yes. The world, no. And I feel like I'm giving me up for everyone else to be happy; and I can't do that anymore. I can be happy with them but not for them; it doesn't do anything for my self-esteem. So, Roger is right; I need to change that little thing about me. That's something that I have to work on; nobody else can do it but me.
7.29.2004
Brad's story
It’s always the quiet ones, they say.
He chose them with an accuracy that marveled the most brilliant of investigators. The only pattern was that there was no pattern. He chose at will; at a moments notice. Today, it was a large, round-like figure with dark eyes that drooped sadly; yesterday, Brad’s choice had been one of perfection: slim, groomed and enticing. He cared not what they looked on the outside; just that they were there at the time he felt like mangling, killing, torturing.
And no two mutilations looked alike – ever. Again, no patterns would present themselves; just gruesome holes throughout their flesh. His aim was spectacular in everyway. One shot was all some needed to complete his vengeance against them. Sometimes, though already dying, he shot them over and over; dismembering them and scattering their parts over a vast range of scenery. It was random; which is why it was disturbing, disgusting, thoroughly unbelievable that such a man existed. Pieces were everywhere; sometimes you couldn’t walk without stepping on the rotting flesh strewn about. Most people exclaimed that they could never eat again, once seeing the utter destruction that lie screaming up at them: He killed me! I did nothing and yet he took me apart, piece by piece, for his own satisfaction; his own evil intent.
Looking back, Brad foreshadowed his own mental and moral demise with cleverly placed comments; subtle comments that would prove to be deadly.
“Guns are cool,” he said. “I wish I lived somewhere that I can just go outside and start shooting.”
So why didn’t they see it? Why didn’t they finally catch on? Was it his inviting smile, his demure attitude, his quiet but competitive nature that hid his inner struggle; a struggle between good and evil that waged with vengeance in the deep pockets of his soul? At what point was it too much for him to fight this evil temptation? And why did he give up such a gallant fight? Why did he succumb to such visions of death and destruction?
Nobody knew – and nobody had a chance to find out. Brad was long gone when they had finally found his apartment. It was the first sign of just how demented he had become: the first pieces of mutilated flesh discovered were scattered around his living room, kitchen and bedroom. He wasn’t worried about keeping anything clean anymore; inside or out. He was addicted to the violence; to the destruction of innocence; to the power it all gave him. And he knew they were getting close to finding him out. He disappeared. Into the woods, into the city - they didn’t know. But he would surface again when his need for killing was too much; that they did know. They hoped to be ready.
Heed this warning for your own safety: the next time you open up your vegetable drawer in your refrigerator and you pull out a potato, be careful to look at all sides. You might find a piece missing, then you’ll know that Brad, The Killer Potato Man, was there – and will be back to finish the job. He must finish; he’s a bloodthirsty soul. To save your potatoes, bake them, mash them or fry them immediately. It’s the only thing that can stop Brad from killing anymore. It’s the only way to save their soul – and nourish yours.
And one more thing…
If you are not careful, you can fall into the same fate as Brad. I urge you not to get hysterical if you do find a mangled potato. The madness that results in the disbelief of such behavior breeds the type of vengeance that now consumes Brad’s life. Two of his recruits have recently been identified: Tina, The Terrible Onion Mutilator, and Racinda, The Bell Pepper Mangler. Are you the next enemy of vegetation?
For everyone’s health, we hope not.
This post brought to you by Spud Shot - the Potato Gun of the future. Look for it whereever toys are sold.
He chose them with an accuracy that marveled the most brilliant of investigators. The only pattern was that there was no pattern. He chose at will; at a moments notice. Today, it was a large, round-like figure with dark eyes that drooped sadly; yesterday, Brad’s choice had been one of perfection: slim, groomed and enticing. He cared not what they looked on the outside; just that they were there at the time he felt like mangling, killing, torturing.
And no two mutilations looked alike – ever. Again, no patterns would present themselves; just gruesome holes throughout their flesh. His aim was spectacular in everyway. One shot was all some needed to complete his vengeance against them. Sometimes, though already dying, he shot them over and over; dismembering them and scattering their parts over a vast range of scenery. It was random; which is why it was disturbing, disgusting, thoroughly unbelievable that such a man existed. Pieces were everywhere; sometimes you couldn’t walk without stepping on the rotting flesh strewn about. Most people exclaimed that they could never eat again, once seeing the utter destruction that lie screaming up at them: He killed me! I did nothing and yet he took me apart, piece by piece, for his own satisfaction; his own evil intent.
Looking back, Brad foreshadowed his own mental and moral demise with cleverly placed comments; subtle comments that would prove to be deadly.
“Guns are cool,” he said. “I wish I lived somewhere that I can just go outside and start shooting.”
So why didn’t they see it? Why didn’t they finally catch on? Was it his inviting smile, his demure attitude, his quiet but competitive nature that hid his inner struggle; a struggle between good and evil that waged with vengeance in the deep pockets of his soul? At what point was it too much for him to fight this evil temptation? And why did he give up such a gallant fight? Why did he succumb to such visions of death and destruction?
Nobody knew – and nobody had a chance to find out. Brad was long gone when they had finally found his apartment. It was the first sign of just how demented he had become: the first pieces of mutilated flesh discovered were scattered around his living room, kitchen and bedroom. He wasn’t worried about keeping anything clean anymore; inside or out. He was addicted to the violence; to the destruction of innocence; to the power it all gave him. And he knew they were getting close to finding him out. He disappeared. Into the woods, into the city - they didn’t know. But he would surface again when his need for killing was too much; that they did know. They hoped to be ready.
Heed this warning for your own safety: the next time you open up your vegetable drawer in your refrigerator and you pull out a potato, be careful to look at all sides. You might find a piece missing, then you’ll know that Brad, The Killer Potato Man, was there – and will be back to finish the job. He must finish; he’s a bloodthirsty soul. To save your potatoes, bake them, mash them or fry them immediately. It’s the only thing that can stop Brad from killing anymore. It’s the only way to save their soul – and nourish yours.
And one more thing…
If you are not careful, you can fall into the same fate as Brad. I urge you not to get hysterical if you do find a mangled potato. The madness that results in the disbelief of such behavior breeds the type of vengeance that now consumes Brad’s life. Two of his recruits have recently been identified: Tina, The Terrible Onion Mutilator, and Racinda, The Bell Pepper Mangler. Are you the next enemy of vegetation?
For everyone’s health, we hope not.
This post brought to you by Spud Shot - the Potato Gun of the future. Look for it whereever toys are sold.
7.28.2004
What a world!
This is going to be short. I just have to say how cool it is that just under (or over - I don't know the exact year) 100 years ago communicating with our neighbor took hours, days, or weeks! Now, we can "connect" with someone on the other side of the world in seconds! How cool is that? Really, how cool is it to live in the world today, when communication is so easy! I know that the world isn't a great place right now - but when has it ever been? Even when Jesus walked the earth, there were tyrannts and wars and unrest. We just have to focus on our own little worlds. If we can do what we can (use what God has "equiped" us with) to make our little piece of the world a better place, then who's to say we can't make this world, right now, better than before? It could happen. Okay, so these aren't original thoughts but they are thoughts nonetheless that come from the heart at this very moment in time - come from my heart.
Another Day Closer
So, I'm closer to my vacation but it's still over a month away! I will not do this again next year - no way. I am already planning my first vacation for 2005 for April or May. Waiting until September to go on vacation is way too long. I don't want to work (not even the simplest tasks), give skin care classes (which I enjoy), teach ballroom lessons (which I really enjoy) or do anything that requires brain cells - and I've been this way for the last month, at least! Plus, my roommate is bearing the brunt of my restlessness. It's hard when you live with someone who gets the summers off and you don't. Don't get me wrong; she deserves it. She is a great teacher and I know that teachers are so underpaid and overworked. But it's still hard to deal with it. I am excited for my vacation, though. It will be fun, relaxing and stress-free (mostly). The whole reunion thing is pretty weird but I will get to see my friends and that's all that matters. I will also get to spend four days on the beach - by myself (mostly). I so need to just sit on a beach somewhere and just veg. And I'll get to visit my new nephew, Hunter, too. That will be great!
My writing is coming along - slowly - but it's coming. I like my course and the instructor that was assigned to me. She has been very encouraging to my writing; and has been critical when she needs to be. I just hope that one day I'll be able to touch somebody with the many stories that are floating around in my head. I'm still not sure what genre suits me best. I hope to find out over the next year or so. I really miss writing; it really was what I should have majored in but if I wanted my parents to help with tuition I had to compromise. So in comes Journalism and out goes Creative Writing. Oh well, journalism has served me well. I am still interested in Publications work and hope to find a job in the next couple years that will utilize my skills and challenge me to make them even better. But for right now, I like my job and the flexibility it gives me to pursue my interests and dreams. I know that I won't work here forever and if I'm to have a career, I need to realize this and do something about it. It will be hard if, two or three years from now, I have to leave here. The people are wonderful and the ministry is growing so much - and in so many exciting ways. But I want to contribute in other ways and that just isn't possible right now. So I am content where I am for the moment: I have a full-time job with benefits, am on salary, work with great people in a great atmosphere, I'm serving the Lord and His church and I have time to pursue my interests like writing and learning how to run a business. I also have my health when so many around me are ill (mentally, physically, etc.). I need to count my blessings much more often than I do. So what if I'm not married and don't have kids yet? Both are things that are desires of mine but God's timing is much better. I'd rather be single and happy and pursuing God's will than married, unhappy and being misled. So life is pretty good for me, isn't it? :-)
My writing is coming along - slowly - but it's coming. I like my course and the instructor that was assigned to me. She has been very encouraging to my writing; and has been critical when she needs to be. I just hope that one day I'll be able to touch somebody with the many stories that are floating around in my head. I'm still not sure what genre suits me best. I hope to find out over the next year or so. I really miss writing; it really was what I should have majored in but if I wanted my parents to help with tuition I had to compromise. So in comes Journalism and out goes Creative Writing. Oh well, journalism has served me well. I am still interested in Publications work and hope to find a job in the next couple years that will utilize my skills and challenge me to make them even better. But for right now, I like my job and the flexibility it gives me to pursue my interests and dreams. I know that I won't work here forever and if I'm to have a career, I need to realize this and do something about it. It will be hard if, two or three years from now, I have to leave here. The people are wonderful and the ministry is growing so much - and in so many exciting ways. But I want to contribute in other ways and that just isn't possible right now. So I am content where I am for the moment: I have a full-time job with benefits, am on salary, work with great people in a great atmosphere, I'm serving the Lord and His church and I have time to pursue my interests like writing and learning how to run a business. I also have my health when so many around me are ill (mentally, physically, etc.). I need to count my blessings much more often than I do. So what if I'm not married and don't have kids yet? Both are things that are desires of mine but God's timing is much better. I'd rather be single and happy and pursuing God's will than married, unhappy and being misled. So life is pretty good for me, isn't it? :-)
6.15.2004
Basic details about me
Hi, whoever is reading this. I'm a little behind in technology so I'm still learning how to work this page. My friend Emily is going to help me set up this page better. Until then, however, you can visit a few links that I'll publish right now in this entry to find out a little bit more about me.
You can see a sort-of recent pic of me and a few friends, along with my bio, on my work website: www.socc.org/About/Team/TiffanyPereira.html .
You can also go to classmates.com and check out my bios there, too. No, I'm only one person; though I do talk to myself sometimes. Anyway, they have it split up between my bio, my work bio, my school bio, etc.
I'm into sports (I don't play them well but I enjoy watching; football is my favorite, but basketball is a close second), writing, dancing (ballroom; I used to teach professionally), and cooking. My roommate and I enjoy having a bunch or our friends over for barbecues and to watch movies or play games (like Mafi or uno or Balderdash, etc.). We have a lot of fun; and since we're both single at the moment, we have a really good, solid friendship. It's very nice to have right now; as I am closing in on 30 and still have no prospects for a husband. There have been a few possibilities in the past but it's good that they didn't work it. They weren't meant for me and I would've been unhappy right now. I think God knows what He's doing with my life; because if it were left up to me, I'd mess it up badly. :-)
K. So I really should get back to work; I'm coming to the end of my lunch hour. Have a great day!
You can see a sort-of recent pic of me and a few friends, along with my bio, on my work website: www.socc.org/About/Team/TiffanyPereira.html .
You can also go to classmates.com and check out my bios there, too. No, I'm only one person; though I do talk to myself sometimes. Anyway, they have it split up between my bio, my work bio, my school bio, etc.
I'm into sports (I don't play them well but I enjoy watching; football is my favorite, but basketball is a close second), writing, dancing (ballroom; I used to teach professionally), and cooking. My roommate and I enjoy having a bunch or our friends over for barbecues and to watch movies or play games (like Mafi or uno or Balderdash, etc.). We have a lot of fun; and since we're both single at the moment, we have a really good, solid friendship. It's very nice to have right now; as I am closing in on 30 and still have no prospects for a husband. There have been a few possibilities in the past but it's good that they didn't work it. They weren't meant for me and I would've been unhappy right now. I think God knows what He's doing with my life; because if it were left up to me, I'd mess it up badly. :-)
K. So I really should get back to work; I'm coming to the end of my lunch hour. Have a great day!
High School Reunion
So as I was checking out my high school's website this morning and I started thinking of some stuff. First, what's it going to be like to see people; not my friends. I know they'll be there - but the others I'm not so sure of. What do you say? And will I have fun at all? I mean, it's cool to see my friends but it's also a little weird to hang out with people I never really knew when I was there. And in the slide show, will I be there? Will people laugh at the pictures they use of myself and my friends? Or will I be left out entirely? Do I really care? Well, not really. But it is nice to be noticed; remembered by people who didn't really know you - and hopefully in a good way. I doubt that would happen but a girl can dream, can't she?
My devotion this morning for the staff definitely comes into play here - definitely. Today is a good day of reflection for me, I think. Some of the stuff that's been stressing me out is over so I can relax, a little. I laugh now, too, because I just realized that I am not keeping up on my blog like I wanted - like I want to. I'm a little hungy now, too, so maybe I should have lunch. Yeah, good idea. I'll finish this later.
My devotion this morning for the staff definitely comes into play here - definitely. Today is a good day of reflection for me, I think. Some of the stuff that's been stressing me out is over so I can relax, a little. I laugh now, too, because I just realized that I am not keeping up on my blog like I wanted - like I want to. I'm a little hungy now, too, so maybe I should have lunch. Yeah, good idea. I'll finish this later.
1.19.2004
Journal 4: Jay Williams & Jesus
I have a few thoughts to write down today and decided that I'd like to do it on my blog. Just a second ago I was reading a "blog" of Jay Williams on NBA.com. Jay plays for the Chicago Bulls (a 2001 member of the Duke National Championship team) but is sitting out this year due to a severe injury suffered from a motorcycle accident last summer. Anyway, as I was reading his journal, I started to see his character/personality come out in his writing. I don't know him at all, except that he is an excellent baller, but felt that he is the type of professional sportsman that I can get behind. He is open, honest, knows what he is talking about and seems to be very positive about his situation - the motorcycle accident, I gather, was very severe and they didn't know if he would able to play ball again. Jay's only 22-years-old.
The next thought I had was if I think, just through his writing, that Jay is someone that I can admire - how much more so are others? It's hard in sports to separate the good from the bad; because a lot of times the good make mistakes and we then see them as bad. Take Kobe for instant. I'm not ashamed to see that he is my favorite player ever; and while I commend him for his honesty, I can't forget his mistake - that he may pay dearly for. Jay, I'm using him as an example, has not "fallen" yet.
Thought number three was if he hasn't "fallen" yet, will he? We can't depend on other people to stay "perfect" or "good." We are not capable of being good all the time. Even when we don't think we have sinned, we have. And then it all becomes clear that we weren't made to be "perfect" but that we were made to strive for perfection, as people. Not as a businessman, a performer, a minister. To be a "better" person than we were the day before.
So how do we learn? Who do we learn from, if no person is dependable to be good all the time? Then Jesus comes into view. He was perfect. Some of us deny Him but we can't because every good thing about us is what Jesus gave to us, through His example. But sometimes some of us can't see Him clearly and we need others who are examples of a part of Jesus to show us.
So what is it that I can take from Jay Williams' journal today? Two things: 1) that he isn't giving up, no matter how hard it may be. He is taking his life seriously and is thankful to have it; so he's doing all he can to get healthy and use his gifts as he should. 2) people care about you; even people you don't know. You are an example though you may not be famous like Jay. You have a fan club; but your fans don't necessarily want to start a website for you. That, to me, is the only difference between being Jay and being me.
The next thought I had was if I think, just through his writing, that Jay is someone that I can admire - how much more so are others? It's hard in sports to separate the good from the bad; because a lot of times the good make mistakes and we then see them as bad. Take Kobe for instant. I'm not ashamed to see that he is my favorite player ever; and while I commend him for his honesty, I can't forget his mistake - that he may pay dearly for. Jay, I'm using him as an example, has not "fallen" yet.
Thought number three was if he hasn't "fallen" yet, will he? We can't depend on other people to stay "perfect" or "good." We are not capable of being good all the time. Even when we don't think we have sinned, we have. And then it all becomes clear that we weren't made to be "perfect" but that we were made to strive for perfection, as people. Not as a businessman, a performer, a minister. To be a "better" person than we were the day before.
So how do we learn? Who do we learn from, if no person is dependable to be good all the time? Then Jesus comes into view. He was perfect. Some of us deny Him but we can't because every good thing about us is what Jesus gave to us, through His example. But sometimes some of us can't see Him clearly and we need others who are examples of a part of Jesus to show us.
So what is it that I can take from Jay Williams' journal today? Two things: 1) that he isn't giving up, no matter how hard it may be. He is taking his life seriously and is thankful to have it; so he's doing all he can to get healthy and use his gifts as he should. 2) people care about you; even people you don't know. You are an example though you may not be famous like Jay. You have a fan club; but your fans don't necessarily want to start a website for you. That, to me, is the only difference between being Jay and being me.
1.15.2004
Journal 3: Beginnings (not very good ones)
Okay, so here's the first little "excerpt." Well, we can't really call it that because it's just the beginning. I know this whole section will be re-written to read much better. It's the relationship that I want the reader to see in this small passage. The next time you read it, it'll actually have literary qualities. Until then, this'll do:
"...Yes, he has a wife and two kids – who haven’t seen him in four years. He’s missing, though you won’t see his face on a milk carton. His family has moved on without him; Jake, now 9, and Riley, 5, have grown up without him. Riley doesn’t even remember Michael; he was too young when Michael went missing. Jake is a different story altogether. Jake looks over his shoulder everyday, wishing/hoping to see his father. Michael and Jake were inseparable. Jake loved Michael and Michael loved Jake. If they weren’t father and son biologically, they would have somehow found a way to have a father/son relationship."
So that last line is really bad but I just wrote it so it's supposed to be. Whatcha think so far though? Here's another excerpt from the same story:
"...Fit and attractive, yes, she was that; but it was more so mentally. Not necessarily a book genius, Ellen possesses qualities that allow her to control almost anything or anyone. There really is no end to her abilities. She works hard but it comes naturally, too. There are just things that she can do that no one else can, literally."
So that needs work, too, but you can see how complex of a story I'm trying to put together. There's a lot of characters; I know I'll have take some out to make the story not so croweded. So far, three more characters have come to life in the last four hours that I did not expect. They are good; the original idea is still there but it's also morphing into something that is almost incomprehensible to me with the inclusion of these characters. Which, if you think about it, is a very good thing. It's better that things keep expanding upon each other rather than stopping in their tracks. Some call it writer's block; I call it a bad story - or a bad tangent of a good story. I'm hoping these characters turn the story into a novel - that would be a good tangent of a good story. I wouldn't mind that one bit.
"...Yes, he has a wife and two kids – who haven’t seen him in four years. He’s missing, though you won’t see his face on a milk carton. His family has moved on without him; Jake, now 9, and Riley, 5, have grown up without him. Riley doesn’t even remember Michael; he was too young when Michael went missing. Jake is a different story altogether. Jake looks over his shoulder everyday, wishing/hoping to see his father. Michael and Jake were inseparable. Jake loved Michael and Michael loved Jake. If they weren’t father and son biologically, they would have somehow found a way to have a father/son relationship."
So that last line is really bad but I just wrote it so it's supposed to be. Whatcha think so far though? Here's another excerpt from the same story:
"...Fit and attractive, yes, she was that; but it was more so mentally. Not necessarily a book genius, Ellen possesses qualities that allow her to control almost anything or anyone. There really is no end to her abilities. She works hard but it comes naturally, too. There are just things that she can do that no one else can, literally."
So that needs work, too, but you can see how complex of a story I'm trying to put together. There's a lot of characters; I know I'll have take some out to make the story not so croweded. So far, three more characters have come to life in the last four hours that I did not expect. They are good; the original idea is still there but it's also morphing into something that is almost incomprehensible to me with the inclusion of these characters. Which, if you think about it, is a very good thing. It's better that things keep expanding upon each other rather than stopping in their tracks. Some call it writer's block; I call it a bad story - or a bad tangent of a good story. I'm hoping these characters turn the story into a novel - that would be a good tangent of a good story. I wouldn't mind that one bit.
Journal 2: I forgot I had this!
It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm not doing so well at this blogger thing; probably because I forgot I had it. However, it's a new year and I fully intend to post at least once a week to my blogger - even if it's something simple like this. I have done a little writing today on my breaks at work. I want to type some of what I wrote on my blogspot later today just to get some opinions on it. I won't give you the whole story; just a sample to see if it hooks you. If not, I still have some work to do. It it does, then I know I'm going in the right direction. Well, I need to get back to work. Check ya later!
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