...well, in my world anyway. Jerry Rice will go into the Hall of Fame as a San Francisco 49ers. Not a Raider; not a Seahawk; not a Bronco. He is back where he belongs. And though that may just seem so trivial to most of you, it is a big thing in the life of a 49er faithful. He brought so much grace, poise, leadership, prestige and class to a sport that lacks a lot of good role models. He was the epitome of a role model in sports: a hard-worker, encourager and determined individual. I am so happy that he will go into the NFL Hall of Fame where he started his storied career: San Francisco.
It's a little miracle in what is a very tough time for us Niner fans - but one we'll take, gladly. :-)
8.23.2006
Post 153: Taking a Break
There are some things in life that you can take a break and it be a positive thing; but finding a job, whether it's full or part-time, isn't one of them. And though things may not be going well so you are getting frustrated, you can't stop. You have to push through it and keep sending out those resumes, no matter how depressed or mad you are becoming.
The advice that everyone gives you, too, doesn't always help. It's not that they aren't giving it out of love - they are - but all it does sometimes is confuse you. It's hard to pick out which one of all the advice you've been given is the right one for your situation. Case in point: I'm at an impasse right now. I've been giving finding both a part-time and full-time job the same attention. I've gotten a few interviews for the full-times and have been in the top two or three but I haven't been the one selected. It's great to be in the top three considered but it keeps happening. I know that I should think of it as I'm not meant to be in those positions but it's hard to have confidence when you're basically always coming in second. For the part-time jobs, none of them are working with my current work schedule; and I can't quit the one I have now to take one of the other ones because I'd need two jobs still - but the hours are the same so that won't work either. Hmmm....frustrated? Yeah, that's just the tip of the ice berg.
Taking a break...well...it's just not possible in situations like this. I can't do much more to cut down on my bills; I'm pretty much at the minimum I can have right now. I just have to have patience and believe that something good is going to happen even when all I see is negatives all around me.
The good part of all this? I've changed the hand my ring is on. I moved it from my right to my left. It is an aquamarine ring that could be mistaken for a diamond from a short distance. It is reminding me that the most important person in my life right now and always in Christ. Before you have any advice on that it may be wrong for me to do this, I want to inform you of the fact that I only wear my ring on my left hand when I'm home. My friends and family, well, they'd give me too much grief about it's sending the wrong message and I really don't want to hear it right now. But when I'm home, I switch it over. It is a constant reminder that Christ is the one that has to lead me into my future and in every moment of my day.
In addition, I'm currently reading a book given to me from a friend that really puts things in perspective. I don't have a lot of things I desire (or that God desires for me) but I know I'm on the right path. There are days I want to give up; just throw in the towel and let life suck everything out of me. Then there are days that I really don't care one way or another. Still other days are like today: though I still don't have a clue and am frustated about how things are going, I know that there is that perverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep my eyes open, my feet walking straight forward and my breath calm. There will come a day that I will start to see things change for the better; I have to realize that it may take awhile.
In fact, it is going to take me at the least three years to get completely out of debt. So it is definitely going to take awhile for things to change for the better. Though it would be great if it could all happen tomorrow, that is so unrealistic - almost impossible since I don't play the lottery anymore. It's also not like some person is going to meet me and then say, "Hey, I want to give you this money. Don't want it; don't need it. Here you go." So not going to happen. :-) Anyway, I have time to pursue some goals while I'm pursuing the goal of getting out of debt - so I have to keep that my focus, my motivation that things will get better if I just keep working hard adn stay dedicated.
So simple, huh? And yet it's so difficult. But the difficulty is what makes the things that are the most worthwhile...well...the most worthwhile. :-)
The advice that everyone gives you, too, doesn't always help. It's not that they aren't giving it out of love - they are - but all it does sometimes is confuse you. It's hard to pick out which one of all the advice you've been given is the right one for your situation. Case in point: I'm at an impasse right now. I've been giving finding both a part-time and full-time job the same attention. I've gotten a few interviews for the full-times and have been in the top two or three but I haven't been the one selected. It's great to be in the top three considered but it keeps happening. I know that I should think of it as I'm not meant to be in those positions but it's hard to have confidence when you're basically always coming in second. For the part-time jobs, none of them are working with my current work schedule; and I can't quit the one I have now to take one of the other ones because I'd need two jobs still - but the hours are the same so that won't work either. Hmmm....frustrated? Yeah, that's just the tip of the ice berg.
Taking a break...well...it's just not possible in situations like this. I can't do much more to cut down on my bills; I'm pretty much at the minimum I can have right now. I just have to have patience and believe that something good is going to happen even when all I see is negatives all around me.
The good part of all this? I've changed the hand my ring is on. I moved it from my right to my left. It is an aquamarine ring that could be mistaken for a diamond from a short distance. It is reminding me that the most important person in my life right now and always in Christ. Before you have any advice on that it may be wrong for me to do this, I want to inform you of the fact that I only wear my ring on my left hand when I'm home. My friends and family, well, they'd give me too much grief about it's sending the wrong message and I really don't want to hear it right now. But when I'm home, I switch it over. It is a constant reminder that Christ is the one that has to lead me into my future and in every moment of my day.
In addition, I'm currently reading a book given to me from a friend that really puts things in perspective. I don't have a lot of things I desire (or that God desires for me) but I know I'm on the right path. There are days I want to give up; just throw in the towel and let life suck everything out of me. Then there are days that I really don't care one way or another. Still other days are like today: though I still don't have a clue and am frustated about how things are going, I know that there is that perverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to keep my eyes open, my feet walking straight forward and my breath calm. There will come a day that I will start to see things change for the better; I have to realize that it may take awhile.
In fact, it is going to take me at the least three years to get completely out of debt. So it is definitely going to take awhile for things to change for the better. Though it would be great if it could all happen tomorrow, that is so unrealistic - almost impossible since I don't play the lottery anymore. It's also not like some person is going to meet me and then say, "Hey, I want to give you this money. Don't want it; don't need it. Here you go." So not going to happen. :-) Anyway, I have time to pursue some goals while I'm pursuing the goal of getting out of debt - so I have to keep that my focus, my motivation that things will get better if I just keep working hard adn stay dedicated.
So simple, huh? And yet it's so difficult. But the difficulty is what makes the things that are the most worthwhile...well...the most worthwhile. :-)
8.14.2006
Post 151: It's baaack....
FOOTBALL SEASON!
I am so, so excited! I love football! I love basketball and baseball, too, but not even close to what I feel to football. I'd love to work for a football team one day; even in an office setting. I just love it.
Plus, my team won thier first game. Ok, ok, so it was their first PRE-season game but to me, right now, it counts. I'm a die-hard, faithful, uncompromising 49er fan. Yes, I am the real deal. Make no mistake, I know how bad we are right now. I'm not an idiot. But I am excited that we are getting better...and we ARE getting better. We still need a defense but we have improved our offense. I'm hoping and praying for an 8-8 year. My ideal would be a 13-3 record and a playoff berth but I know that isn't realistic. However, I'm also sort of an optimist so I wouldn't be too surprised if it happened. Stranger things have happened (like Chicago having the best D last year; where did that come from?). Anyway, I'm really excited for football.
The problem is that I can't see them play very often. It so sucks. I now live in the Midwest and though I like the Colts, they have not and will never replace my 49ers. I'm too attached; the Niners and me go way back. Back to when I was 4 years old and sat on my dad's lap. I told him that "the red and yellow team I like is going to win the bowl thing." That was the Fall of 1980; three months later, they did win: thier first Super Bowl. So, you can see that my little prediction of the future solidified me as a 49er fan for life - and 5 Super Bowls later, I still am. Even though we've had some pretty dreadful past few seasons, I know we'll be back. Every team has their day and will come back to the bright side - or, in this case, the Golden side. :-)
I'd like to add a few things to my resolve list: to find an apartment/condo/house/townhouse in the next year that accepts dogs (I want my own) and to be able to afford NFL Sunday Ticket. That's the only way I can see my boys play; and it's about time I get the chance again. I so miss sitting home at Sundays after church and watching them play. It was so much fun, even on the bad days. Of course, there weren't many of those back then. Still, I loved it. I know I still do. I'll watch the Colts and route for them but it's just not the same. They aren't my team. I've tried to like them close to the 49ers but even the last two 4-12 seasons the Niner had couldn't change my mind. Red and gold truly does run through my veins. I'm a Niner fan through and through.
What's really exciting, though, is that I do have the opportunity to see them play in person: in Chicago on October 29. It just happens that one of my friends birthdays in that weekend and well, she wants to go to Chicago to celebrate it. Plus, she's all for going to the game so now we're trying to get tickets. I'm so excited taht I want October to be here already. I can't wait to go!
Anyway, football is back and that just makes everyday go by a bit quicker than usual. That may be a funny thing for a woman to say but it tells you just how unique I am. Go Niners!
I am so, so excited! I love football! I love basketball and baseball, too, but not even close to what I feel to football. I'd love to work for a football team one day; even in an office setting. I just love it.
Plus, my team won thier first game. Ok, ok, so it was their first PRE-season game but to me, right now, it counts. I'm a die-hard, faithful, uncompromising 49er fan. Yes, I am the real deal. Make no mistake, I know how bad we are right now. I'm not an idiot. But I am excited that we are getting better...and we ARE getting better. We still need a defense but we have improved our offense. I'm hoping and praying for an 8-8 year. My ideal would be a 13-3 record and a playoff berth but I know that isn't realistic. However, I'm also sort of an optimist so I wouldn't be too surprised if it happened. Stranger things have happened (like Chicago having the best D last year; where did that come from?). Anyway, I'm really excited for football.
The problem is that I can't see them play very often. It so sucks. I now live in the Midwest and though I like the Colts, they have not and will never replace my 49ers. I'm too attached; the Niners and me go way back. Back to when I was 4 years old and sat on my dad's lap. I told him that "the red and yellow team I like is going to win the bowl thing." That was the Fall of 1980; three months later, they did win: thier first Super Bowl. So, you can see that my little prediction of the future solidified me as a 49er fan for life - and 5 Super Bowls later, I still am. Even though we've had some pretty dreadful past few seasons, I know we'll be back. Every team has their day and will come back to the bright side - or, in this case, the Golden side. :-)
I'd like to add a few things to my resolve list: to find an apartment/condo/house/townhouse in the next year that accepts dogs (I want my own) and to be able to afford NFL Sunday Ticket. That's the only way I can see my boys play; and it's about time I get the chance again. I so miss sitting home at Sundays after church and watching them play. It was so much fun, even on the bad days. Of course, there weren't many of those back then. Still, I loved it. I know I still do. I'll watch the Colts and route for them but it's just not the same. They aren't my team. I've tried to like them close to the 49ers but even the last two 4-12 seasons the Niner had couldn't change my mind. Red and gold truly does run through my veins. I'm a Niner fan through and through.
What's really exciting, though, is that I do have the opportunity to see them play in person: in Chicago on October 29. It just happens that one of my friends birthdays in that weekend and well, she wants to go to Chicago to celebrate it. Plus, she's all for going to the game so now we're trying to get tickets. I'm so excited taht I want October to be here already. I can't wait to go!
Anyway, football is back and that just makes everyday go by a bit quicker than usual. That may be a funny thing for a woman to say but it tells you just how unique I am. Go Niners!
8.10.2006
Post 150: My past medical history
So, I don't know if I've ever said anything about this but I had a seizure disorder as a child. It ended as abruptly as it started. It lasted for 9 years. I don't have epilepsy but I am allergic to one of the main medications that treats seizures. The reason why I'm talking about this now is that I just got into a conversation with a coworker about it. It started by her asking if I was tired and I said yes that I'd had a nightmare. From there I explained that I became more prone to nightmares after my seizures ended. I've struggled with having such a sensitive mind since then. It isn't as bad as it was when I was younger and it does have a direct connection to my writing skills but it is a daily problem. I know that maybe I should go to counseling about it but I've lived with it for this long; and I can control it somewhat. In fact, last night's nightmare had to do with me not wearing my medic alert currently. I haven't for the last week and I think someone's trying to tell me to put it back on. In my nightmare, I have a very bad seizure in front of friends at a party this weekend and am not wearing my medic alert bracelet. Luckily, I've been pretty vocal about my allergies so my friends know in my dream to tell the paramedics what I'm allergic to so they give me the right medication.
Anyway, after hearing my history, she was amazed on how I just picked up my bootstraps and just went on with my life. She sees me as just a well-adjusted person that she never would of thought I had anything like that happen to me. It was a little different to get that reaction. I've never gotten that type of reaction before from anyone. I guess there are people in this world that can't get over their problems. I did and I can see that that is a very good disposition/personality/outlook to have. I guess I just never thought of it that way. I grew with people saying, "Get over it. Don't be a wuss," that I never realized that there are people in this world that don't have the support or the inner strength to do that. It's a special thing to have.
And I see that I have that with this job thing. Yes, I do think my stress over this job thing is coming out in my nightmares (I've had several over the last week) but I know that I will find something soon. I have finally been seeing some progress and getting some positive feedback in this job search. But something my coworker said to me really struck me: It's important to take care of yourself when you absolutely need to but don't stop looking for the thing that makes you happy. Any old job is for some people and not for others. When you have an opportunity to pursue what you really want (and it will support you sufficiently), do it because you don't want to have any regrets.
See, and that's exactly what I think. I'm in a position now that I need a full-time job with benefits; but I can't let that stop me from doing what I truly love. I have to continue that even as I start my new job - whatever that may be - because there will be a time that I will be able to pursue it fully and I need to be ready to do that.
I needed the encouragement today; that nightmare really took something out of me.
I guess I need to get that medic alert back on and keep writing. And, hopefully soon I'll have that full-time job. I just have to be patient, responsible and disciplined. :-)
Anyway, after hearing my history, she was amazed on how I just picked up my bootstraps and just went on with my life. She sees me as just a well-adjusted person that she never would of thought I had anything like that happen to me. It was a little different to get that reaction. I've never gotten that type of reaction before from anyone. I guess there are people in this world that can't get over their problems. I did and I can see that that is a very good disposition/personality/outlook to have. I guess I just never thought of it that way. I grew with people saying, "Get over it. Don't be a wuss," that I never realized that there are people in this world that don't have the support or the inner strength to do that. It's a special thing to have.
And I see that I have that with this job thing. Yes, I do think my stress over this job thing is coming out in my nightmares (I've had several over the last week) but I know that I will find something soon. I have finally been seeing some progress and getting some positive feedback in this job search. But something my coworker said to me really struck me: It's important to take care of yourself when you absolutely need to but don't stop looking for the thing that makes you happy. Any old job is for some people and not for others. When you have an opportunity to pursue what you really want (and it will support you sufficiently), do it because you don't want to have any regrets.
See, and that's exactly what I think. I'm in a position now that I need a full-time job with benefits; but I can't let that stop me from doing what I truly love. I have to continue that even as I start my new job - whatever that may be - because there will be a time that I will be able to pursue it fully and I need to be ready to do that.
I needed the encouragement today; that nightmare really took something out of me.
I guess I need to get that medic alert back on and keep writing. And, hopefully soon I'll have that full-time job. I just have to be patient, responsible and disciplined. :-)
8.09.2006
Post 149: Pressing On, Part 2
I think I titled another post "Pressing On" but since I'm too lazy to look it up, I decided to just be safe and add the Part 2. Not that you care really but I always cover my bases - well, most of the time. :-)
I didn't get that job but I'm so at peace with it. And what's more is that she actually called me at home to explain why I didn't get it. I was one of the top two but the other gal already worked in the company so it would be a quicker transition. However, I went ahead and e-mailed her back and thanked her for both messages. She then e-mails me back again and lets me know about another job opening up in the same department that I would be great for and that she's already told them to look for my application. Who knows if this other job is meant for me but I made a good contact and know that this company is a great one to work for, if I can get work there.
I feel much, much better today because of all this. I have a confidence that I've never had before; I know that I've said that recently but it still surprises me. I have always lived in insecurity and masked it with my outgoing personality. Though I know I will still struggle with it at times, I know that it will get easier and easier to be confident at times that the world is trying to beat me down, into submission. Satan won't win the battle next time; and he's already lost the war so my strength will continue to grow from here on out.
God is so good. Even when I have times like this that I see myself as a failure in comparison to the people around me (my friends, family, coworkers), I have the ability to get past it quicker. I may not have certain things and may have some issues that still need serious work but I'm not in denial anymore and I believe I can get out of it.
Last night at probably my last small group, I opened up about my denial. It was in reference to a friend saying that we should throw a party for me sicne I'd be leaving the group. I shouted out, "No. Don't do that!" Then explained that Tiffany finally realizes that I am a bit high maintenance in some ways and that I can be somewhat of a princess. I said, "I'm finally out of denial about that and throwing me a party, while I'll admit that I'd be all for it, it probably isn't a good idea because Tiffany needs to finally realize that the world doesn't revolve around what she likes or dislikes." Okay, so I've kind of taken to talking about myself in 3rd person; I need to work on that. Still, I know that I can be certain ways and I'm not trying to rationalize it anymore. On the other hand, some of it is okay to keep because it makes me who I am and one of our Bible study leaders has told me in confidence that sometimes the group really needs someone like me to liven it up and put some issues in perspective - a perspective that sometimes I'm the only one that sees.
But the important thing is that my confidence is growing in a way that is good. I believe I can do things now that I didn't before. I believe when people tell me something good about myself that it's true now; that it isn't them trying to be nice or wanting something from me. It's a compliment and I accept it graciously now. And I need to give up the idea that everyone around me is better than me; no one is better than anybody. I have the same gifts as some people that I know but that doesn't mean theirs is better than mine. For example, I have a friend who is a lovely, lovely writer. I've gotten jealous at times of her gift; it's the same one that I have to seems to be so much better. But, you know what? It isn't. She writes in ways that I adore and are so lovely but that doesn't mean that my gift for writing is lesser - it's just different. Like my little poems to my friends wouldn't probably win any major awards but they are touching and understandable. They are personal and none of my friends like or want to write like that; or have anybody else that would write like that for him. In fact, while writing a poem for my friend who just moved into a new apartment (I hope she doesn't read this today; I'm not going to give it to her until Saturday), I came up with an idea for a poem-like series called "The Welcome Home series." Her's is personal to her and her struggle to feel at home and at peace somewhere that college students didn't play cornhole until 2 a.m. in the morning, cussing all the while. I'm working on a second one, too. It's turning out quite funny, if I do say so myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to sell them. In the time that I've written on this blog, I've come up with three more ideas for the series. So, though I think my friends gift is so amazing, it doesn't mean that mine is less so. Even if I never get published, writing will always be a part of me and something that I can share with my friends, family and other loved ones.
I'm pressing on as Paul encouraged in a lot of his writings in the New Testament. I'm pressing on in ways that I never thought possible - and that's exciting. :-)
I didn't get that job but I'm so at peace with it. And what's more is that she actually called me at home to explain why I didn't get it. I was one of the top two but the other gal already worked in the company so it would be a quicker transition. However, I went ahead and e-mailed her back and thanked her for both messages. She then e-mails me back again and lets me know about another job opening up in the same department that I would be great for and that she's already told them to look for my application. Who knows if this other job is meant for me but I made a good contact and know that this company is a great one to work for, if I can get work there.
I feel much, much better today because of all this. I have a confidence that I've never had before; I know that I've said that recently but it still surprises me. I have always lived in insecurity and masked it with my outgoing personality. Though I know I will still struggle with it at times, I know that it will get easier and easier to be confident at times that the world is trying to beat me down, into submission. Satan won't win the battle next time; and he's already lost the war so my strength will continue to grow from here on out.
God is so good. Even when I have times like this that I see myself as a failure in comparison to the people around me (my friends, family, coworkers), I have the ability to get past it quicker. I may not have certain things and may have some issues that still need serious work but I'm not in denial anymore and I believe I can get out of it.
Last night at probably my last small group, I opened up about my denial. It was in reference to a friend saying that we should throw a party for me sicne I'd be leaving the group. I shouted out, "No. Don't do that!" Then explained that Tiffany finally realizes that I am a bit high maintenance in some ways and that I can be somewhat of a princess. I said, "I'm finally out of denial about that and throwing me a party, while I'll admit that I'd be all for it, it probably isn't a good idea because Tiffany needs to finally realize that the world doesn't revolve around what she likes or dislikes." Okay, so I've kind of taken to talking about myself in 3rd person; I need to work on that. Still, I know that I can be certain ways and I'm not trying to rationalize it anymore. On the other hand, some of it is okay to keep because it makes me who I am and one of our Bible study leaders has told me in confidence that sometimes the group really needs someone like me to liven it up and put some issues in perspective - a perspective that sometimes I'm the only one that sees.
But the important thing is that my confidence is growing in a way that is good. I believe I can do things now that I didn't before. I believe when people tell me something good about myself that it's true now; that it isn't them trying to be nice or wanting something from me. It's a compliment and I accept it graciously now. And I need to give up the idea that everyone around me is better than me; no one is better than anybody. I have the same gifts as some people that I know but that doesn't mean theirs is better than mine. For example, I have a friend who is a lovely, lovely writer. I've gotten jealous at times of her gift; it's the same one that I have to seems to be so much better. But, you know what? It isn't. She writes in ways that I adore and are so lovely but that doesn't mean that my gift for writing is lesser - it's just different. Like my little poems to my friends wouldn't probably win any major awards but they are touching and understandable. They are personal and none of my friends like or want to write like that; or have anybody else that would write like that for him. In fact, while writing a poem for my friend who just moved into a new apartment (I hope she doesn't read this today; I'm not going to give it to her until Saturday), I came up with an idea for a poem-like series called "The Welcome Home series." Her's is personal to her and her struggle to feel at home and at peace somewhere that college students didn't play cornhole until 2 a.m. in the morning, cussing all the while. I'm working on a second one, too. It's turning out quite funny, if I do say so myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to sell them. In the time that I've written on this blog, I've come up with three more ideas for the series. So, though I think my friends gift is so amazing, it doesn't mean that mine is less so. Even if I never get published, writing will always be a part of me and something that I can share with my friends, family and other loved ones.
I'm pressing on as Paul encouraged in a lot of his writings in the New Testament. I'm pressing on in ways that I never thought possible - and that's exciting. :-)
8.08.2006
Post 148: Spur of the Moment
I couldn't have planned last night's activities better. I met a friend of mine after work; she was hungry and I didn't have any plans. So she had dinner while we talked and then we ended up at the mall - she had to pay a bill. So we kind of just spent time together and chatted, walking in and out of stores and commenting on the style nowadays. As we left the mall, she said out loud, "I wish we could go to Edinburgh. I want to go."
I asked, "Do we have time?"
"I think so. We'd be there by 8 p.m."
"So, let's go."
"Yeah!"
So we left the mall at 7:10 and got to Edinburgh at 8 p.m. We hit 7 stores in 1 hour. How's that for precision shopping? We're good. Anyway, we did little damage (neither one of us have much money) but it was fun. I did come home with $10 of my dishes (if I had a better paying job and didn't have to send my car payment, I could have literally bought the rest of what I needed for my dishes because that's how good of a sale they were having). Instead, I settled on 6 ice cream dishes and paid $9.41 for what I would've normally been charged - $30, before taxes. I like spur of the moment stuff.
We had a good talk in our drive - everything from our job situations to our friends and how we have close friends to taking a trip for her birthday in October. She's always wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate her birthday so we just decided that this is the year it is going to happen. We decided a lot of things: that I WILL find a good job, that she will find a day job in nursing, that we will both be strict with our money and get out of debt, that we will not worry about men unless God basically hits us over the head with one, that we like how we've always been so honest with each other. It was a good, fun evening. Sometimes the things you do spur of the moment are the best times of your life. And that was so last night for me. :-)
I asked, "Do we have time?"
"I think so. We'd be there by 8 p.m."
"So, let's go."
"Yeah!"
So we left the mall at 7:10 and got to Edinburgh at 8 p.m. We hit 7 stores in 1 hour. How's that for precision shopping? We're good. Anyway, we did little damage (neither one of us have much money) but it was fun. I did come home with $10 of my dishes (if I had a better paying job and didn't have to send my car payment, I could have literally bought the rest of what I needed for my dishes because that's how good of a sale they were having). Instead, I settled on 6 ice cream dishes and paid $9.41 for what I would've normally been charged - $30, before taxes. I like spur of the moment stuff.
We had a good talk in our drive - everything from our job situations to our friends and how we have close friends to taking a trip for her birthday in October. She's always wanted to go away for a weekend to celebrate her birthday so we just decided that this is the year it is going to happen. We decided a lot of things: that I WILL find a good job, that she will find a day job in nursing, that we will both be strict with our money and get out of debt, that we will not worry about men unless God basically hits us over the head with one, that we like how we've always been so honest with each other. It was a good, fun evening. Sometimes the things you do spur of the moment are the best times of your life. And that was so last night for me. :-)
8.07.2006
Post 147: I made it...
...through the weekend and that's a good sign for me. It wasn't as if I had this jam-packed weekend; it was the other way around. Besides Friday night, I had really nothing to do. I hate that. There were things that people were doing but I couldn't do them (going to see "Lady in the Water" and going to brunch Sunday). I started to feel very left out. I know, I know - maybe I am a little high maintenance. But, seriously, I try hard not to let anyone ever feel left out of all the plans that I make - if for some reason, I can't make everyone happy, I try to do something to rectify it. I just think that I'm starting to see the differences I have with some of my friends - they are big differences. It's not like they are small or unimportant. They are important and that's what's scaring me. I know that people grow and change but I kinda hoped that this wouldn't have happened with certain friendships. This weekend made me feel like I am the odd one out. I don't like the same type of movies, I can't afford to do anything with my girlfriends nd no one calls me anymore (minus my new friend, we talk just about everyday). I kind of feel like everyone is growing away from me; or is it that I'm growing away from them? I'm not sure yet.
I confided in a friend last night that this is the longest I've had super close friends - 6 years. Minus my two friends in CA, I've never had a group of friends last this long - and never in such deep relationships. I told my friend that I think I was experiencing the ups and downs that normally happen in relationships - the close times and the not-so-close times. A good friend of mine and I have not been as close as we have in the past. We used to really depend on each other a lot and did a lot together. Now that we have a larger circle of friends (and two friends in particular), I think we have grown apart quite a bit. It's not that we don't like each other or don't know about each other but we tend to do things with our other friends instead of each other. It's been kind of difficult for me because this other friend of hers is more like her so they do more together. I know that that is a good thing but it's still hard to accept. And though my new friend and I are a lot more alike in some ways, too, it's still hard to let go of that other relationship - or at least loosen my grip. This is all new to me - I know that. I know that I have to learn this stuff and how relationships change and people change and sometimes grow in different ways. Knowing that all this is normal still doesn't make it any easier. But I know that as I grow in this knowledge of relationships that I'll be a better person - wiser, stronger, more adaptable and understanding.
And I am growing a lot right now - yes, I feel like I'm also in a state of perpetual confusion - but I know that it is growth. I am growing in many things: relationships, career choices, biblical and spiritual issues, and, most importantly, accepting myself for who I am. I can't be ashamed of who I am, how I am or who I am becoming. In fact, yesterday in Sunday school class, I answered a question so honestly. We had just finished watching a video message from Rob Bell (he's fantastic - you really must check out his stuff) when our discussion leader asked if there was anything that jumped out at us. I immediately opened my mouth and read back this line, "'The people we are becoming is what matters.' That just woke me up." I explained that all of this material stuff, all the problems I have with money and not having a career and not being able to fix my AC in my car or get my car repainted, I was beginning to learn, wasn't what defined me. And I started to really believe that; really sink my teeth into the belief that my job and the things that I had were supposed to define me. They don't; the person I am defines me.
That doesn't mean that I don't need a job (I really, really do and soon; hopefully one of the two I've interviewed for will be the answer) but it doesn't have to define me. The roof of my car needs to be repainted and my AC fixed but do they really need that? No - as long as my car runs and gets me from point A to point B, that's all that matters. Do I want to have them fixed? Of course! But it isn't realistic right now and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't important. Do I want to be able to re-sell my car in great condition? Yes. But that's something that I can't even think about right now because it's not close to the most important thing going on in my life. However, I was letting it add to my stress and my desire to have an item that was socially appealing: a car that looked nice and people would think of as a status symbol. Who cares? It's a car! And my AC? I roll my windows down. It's nice to breathe fresh air and I rarely do it. So, my AC can wait, too. It isn't necessary at the moment; and by it not working, it isn't affecting other areas of my car. If it does, then it's a definite need to be fixed but right now it's fine. I was letting my car add to my desire to have status amongst my friends and neighbors.
So, no matter what job I have next - marketing assistant, manager of movie theatre, administrative assistant at IU - it doesn't define my person. How I do my job, who I am before and after it and what I do with my free time and extra money, is what defines me. I also said that though some of my friends may want me to shut up about stuff sometimes, that they don't because they know me enough to know that I have to work things out out loud or by writing on this blog or in a journal at home. I mean, sometimes I even annoy myself! (my friend laughed on the phone when I was relaying all this to her; she couldn't make it to church because of her work schedule so I was filling her in). It's true, though. I seriously annoy myself sometimes but I know that I have to have patience with myself if I'm ever going to get closer to getting out of this tunnel.
I'm also learning that my generation is a little closed. Me, being the obviously open person that I am, is finally struggling with that. I can't really be so closed-lipped about some things anymore. Like why do certain friends of mine not talk about relationships between men and women? It's like a forbidden topic. We're all in our 30's/40's or close to it; we shouldn't be afraid to discuss stuff like adults. It's not like we need to tell each other our deep, dark secrets but we should be able to talk about general topics relating to it. Otherwise, how are we to grow to understanding the opposite sex and getting closer to knowing what type of man (or woman, in the guys case) we are really and truly looking for? I mean, we're all friends. It's not like we're dating each other or want to (ok, ok - so there was a time, albeit recently, that I would've gone out with that friend but I've let go of that and found that he probalby wouldn't make me happy; and I know that I'd be too much for him anyway - it doesn't mean that I don't find him attractive anymore - he is and always will be a hottie). But we can't even bring it up; no one wants to participate in that conversation. That's what is holding me back. People won't open up and talk about it. I don't want to be 40 and afraid of intimacy. I have friends who are there and they are 30 or closing in on 40. I'm not going to force the issue but I'm not going to shy away from conversations anymore relating to this "forbidden" topic. I'm sure they won't come up when I'm interacting with certain friends of mine but they definitely will in other relationships/friendships; and this time, I'm going to be part of it instead of an innocent bystander.
Relationships are hard. And if we don't take them seriously or never talk about them, then we won't grow and know how to handle them in the future. I know I have a lot to learn; but I'm finally ready to learn it.
Anyway, by the time I went to bed last night, I started to feel better. Did I still wish that I could've gone to the movie or to brunch? Yes. But I can't control what others like and what I don't. I have to be realistic that there are going to be a lot of times now when I have to stay home because I can't afford to go out or because I can't go to the movie that everyone wants to go to. But I am resolved even more that if I do something or plan something that I don't leave anyone out; and if they really can't come that I try to do something with them later. I guess I'm just too sensitive for an all weekend scary movie session. I think what really made me upset was that I had allocated to go to the movies this weekend but couldn't go because of the movie chosen. But I saw the blessing of spending time with friends Friday night so I got over my little tantrum and let it go. So I learned that I really don't like to be left out - at all - but that sometimes its necessary and I have to get over it. I used that money that I had allocated to go to a movie to buy one that I really wanted so I watched that instead; and now I have something that I'll get more use out and that's a much better investment than going to the movie theatre. :-)
So though I acted a bit childish, I learned from it and moved on. That's huge progress for me. :-)
I confided in a friend last night that this is the longest I've had super close friends - 6 years. Minus my two friends in CA, I've never had a group of friends last this long - and never in such deep relationships. I told my friend that I think I was experiencing the ups and downs that normally happen in relationships - the close times and the not-so-close times. A good friend of mine and I have not been as close as we have in the past. We used to really depend on each other a lot and did a lot together. Now that we have a larger circle of friends (and two friends in particular), I think we have grown apart quite a bit. It's not that we don't like each other or don't know about each other but we tend to do things with our other friends instead of each other. It's been kind of difficult for me because this other friend of hers is more like her so they do more together. I know that that is a good thing but it's still hard to accept. And though my new friend and I are a lot more alike in some ways, too, it's still hard to let go of that other relationship - or at least loosen my grip. This is all new to me - I know that. I know that I have to learn this stuff and how relationships change and people change and sometimes grow in different ways. Knowing that all this is normal still doesn't make it any easier. But I know that as I grow in this knowledge of relationships that I'll be a better person - wiser, stronger, more adaptable and understanding.
And I am growing a lot right now - yes, I feel like I'm also in a state of perpetual confusion - but I know that it is growth. I am growing in many things: relationships, career choices, biblical and spiritual issues, and, most importantly, accepting myself for who I am. I can't be ashamed of who I am, how I am or who I am becoming. In fact, yesterday in Sunday school class, I answered a question so honestly. We had just finished watching a video message from Rob Bell (he's fantastic - you really must check out his stuff) when our discussion leader asked if there was anything that jumped out at us. I immediately opened my mouth and read back this line, "'The people we are becoming is what matters.' That just woke me up." I explained that all of this material stuff, all the problems I have with money and not having a career and not being able to fix my AC in my car or get my car repainted, I was beginning to learn, wasn't what defined me. And I started to really believe that; really sink my teeth into the belief that my job and the things that I had were supposed to define me. They don't; the person I am defines me.
That doesn't mean that I don't need a job (I really, really do and soon; hopefully one of the two I've interviewed for will be the answer) but it doesn't have to define me. The roof of my car needs to be repainted and my AC fixed but do they really need that? No - as long as my car runs and gets me from point A to point B, that's all that matters. Do I want to have them fixed? Of course! But it isn't realistic right now and in the grand scheme of things, it isn't important. Do I want to be able to re-sell my car in great condition? Yes. But that's something that I can't even think about right now because it's not close to the most important thing going on in my life. However, I was letting it add to my stress and my desire to have an item that was socially appealing: a car that looked nice and people would think of as a status symbol. Who cares? It's a car! And my AC? I roll my windows down. It's nice to breathe fresh air and I rarely do it. So, my AC can wait, too. It isn't necessary at the moment; and by it not working, it isn't affecting other areas of my car. If it does, then it's a definite need to be fixed but right now it's fine. I was letting my car add to my desire to have status amongst my friends and neighbors.
So, no matter what job I have next - marketing assistant, manager of movie theatre, administrative assistant at IU - it doesn't define my person. How I do my job, who I am before and after it and what I do with my free time and extra money, is what defines me. I also said that though some of my friends may want me to shut up about stuff sometimes, that they don't because they know me enough to know that I have to work things out out loud or by writing on this blog or in a journal at home. I mean, sometimes I even annoy myself! (my friend laughed on the phone when I was relaying all this to her; she couldn't make it to church because of her work schedule so I was filling her in). It's true, though. I seriously annoy myself sometimes but I know that I have to have patience with myself if I'm ever going to get closer to getting out of this tunnel.
I'm also learning that my generation is a little closed. Me, being the obviously open person that I am, is finally struggling with that. I can't really be so closed-lipped about some things anymore. Like why do certain friends of mine not talk about relationships between men and women? It's like a forbidden topic. We're all in our 30's/40's or close to it; we shouldn't be afraid to discuss stuff like adults. It's not like we need to tell each other our deep, dark secrets but we should be able to talk about general topics relating to it. Otherwise, how are we to grow to understanding the opposite sex and getting closer to knowing what type of man (or woman, in the guys case) we are really and truly looking for? I mean, we're all friends. It's not like we're dating each other or want to (ok, ok - so there was a time, albeit recently, that I would've gone out with that friend but I've let go of that and found that he probalby wouldn't make me happy; and I know that I'd be too much for him anyway - it doesn't mean that I don't find him attractive anymore - he is and always will be a hottie). But we can't even bring it up; no one wants to participate in that conversation. That's what is holding me back. People won't open up and talk about it. I don't want to be 40 and afraid of intimacy. I have friends who are there and they are 30 or closing in on 40. I'm not going to force the issue but I'm not going to shy away from conversations anymore relating to this "forbidden" topic. I'm sure they won't come up when I'm interacting with certain friends of mine but they definitely will in other relationships/friendships; and this time, I'm going to be part of it instead of an innocent bystander.
Relationships are hard. And if we don't take them seriously or never talk about them, then we won't grow and know how to handle them in the future. I know I have a lot to learn; but I'm finally ready to learn it.
Anyway, by the time I went to bed last night, I started to feel better. Did I still wish that I could've gone to the movie or to brunch? Yes. But I can't control what others like and what I don't. I have to be realistic that there are going to be a lot of times now when I have to stay home because I can't afford to go out or because I can't go to the movie that everyone wants to go to. But I am resolved even more that if I do something or plan something that I don't leave anyone out; and if they really can't come that I try to do something with them later. I guess I'm just too sensitive for an all weekend scary movie session. I think what really made me upset was that I had allocated to go to the movies this weekend but couldn't go because of the movie chosen. But I saw the blessing of spending time with friends Friday night so I got over my little tantrum and let it go. So I learned that I really don't like to be left out - at all - but that sometimes its necessary and I have to get over it. I used that money that I had allocated to go to a movie to buy one that I really wanted so I watched that instead; and now I have something that I'll get more use out and that's a much better investment than going to the movie theatre. :-)
So though I acted a bit childish, I learned from it and moved on. That's huge progress for me. :-)
8.03.2006
Post 146: A quote for Tiffany
Do you think that maybe this quote was meant for me?
You say you're ready for the challenge, but in the back of your mind you have serious, nagging doubts. There's a little voice that keeps popping up, reminding you of your self-imposed limitations. You may be able to convince the rest of the world, but if you cannot win over the little voice in the back of your mind, it will stop you cold. The way to assuage that little voice is by sheer will and repetition. Every time it says "no you can't" you must immediately tell it "yes I can!" You allowed that little voice to take hold, and you have the power to change it. In the past, you've told yourself or been told you can't do it so many times that your doubt has taken on a life of its own. Now you must give life to your confidence. Know you can do it. Tell yourself, over and over again, that you can do it. With enough repetition, you'll begin to truly believe it and the doubt will surely fade. Change the cruel, whining voice of doubt to a resounding chorus of confidence. Copyright Ralph S. Marston, Jr. Used by permission.
Huh...this is pretty much me in a nutshell. I can so easily self-depricate myself until I believe, completely, that I can't do it - anything. Not just jobs or writing or dancing or whatever I've done - but even in relationships. Though I know I have the ability to have one, I talk myself out of them. Of course, it helps if the other party is interested, too, but I'm learning that men are the same as us women: insecure. And I'm beginning to see that they are MORE insecure than most of us - especially the older ones. They've had too many bad experiences to take risks anymore. Here is my reslove for this area of my life:
THE NEXT TIME I AM ATTRACTED TO THE RIGHT TYPE OF GUY, I WILL NOT AVOID HIM BUT ACT THE WAY I SHOULD: THAT I AM INTERESTED IN HIM.
Old habits die hard but aren't habits SUPPOSED TO die? I think so.
On another note, I found the perfect suit jacket today for my interviews - and it only cost me $30! Hooray for Target! It not only fits perfectly but it's actually stylish. I can wear it with skirts, slacks and even jeans. I cannot wait to dress up for my interview tomorrow! I'm even more excited about it now that I have the appropriate attire. Boy, I am such a girl - and I like it. :-)
Work is slow again today. I have some filing to do but that's it. My ads are done and the weekend is looking pretty good. I should have all my ads in by Noon tomorrow. I like it when that happens because I'm not leaving any work for the other coordinators. They don't have to finish my job so that makes me feel a lot better. But I do get to go home after I go to the Y instead of spending more time out and about (since I already have what I need: my jacket!). I'm really, really tired still so I'll have some time to relax tonight and get some good rest. :-)
Oh, and though I was a bad girl and missed all three of my deadlines for writing contests on Monday - I found three that are better. One is this weekend. All I have to do is format my first chapter and send it off; that's it. And the poem I was supposed to send in Monday will work better for this other contest (August 10). So, I feel much better about missing the other contests. Now - as long as I can find that chapter, I'll be smooth sailing - at least, for now. :-)
You say you're ready for the challenge, but in the back of your mind you have serious, nagging doubts. There's a little voice that keeps popping up, reminding you of your self-imposed limitations. You may be able to convince the rest of the world, but if you cannot win over the little voice in the back of your mind, it will stop you cold. The way to assuage that little voice is by sheer will and repetition. Every time it says "no you can't" you must immediately tell it "yes I can!" You allowed that little voice to take hold, and you have the power to change it. In the past, you've told yourself or been told you can't do it so many times that your doubt has taken on a life of its own. Now you must give life to your confidence. Know you can do it. Tell yourself, over and over again, that you can do it. With enough repetition, you'll begin to truly believe it and the doubt will surely fade. Change the cruel, whining voice of doubt to a resounding chorus of confidence. Copyright Ralph S. Marston, Jr. Used by permission.
Huh...this is pretty much me in a nutshell. I can so easily self-depricate myself until I believe, completely, that I can't do it - anything. Not just jobs or writing or dancing or whatever I've done - but even in relationships. Though I know I have the ability to have one, I talk myself out of them. Of course, it helps if the other party is interested, too, but I'm learning that men are the same as us women: insecure. And I'm beginning to see that they are MORE insecure than most of us - especially the older ones. They've had too many bad experiences to take risks anymore. Here is my reslove for this area of my life:
THE NEXT TIME I AM ATTRACTED TO THE RIGHT TYPE OF GUY, I WILL NOT AVOID HIM BUT ACT THE WAY I SHOULD: THAT I AM INTERESTED IN HIM.
Old habits die hard but aren't habits SUPPOSED TO die? I think so.
On another note, I found the perfect suit jacket today for my interviews - and it only cost me $30! Hooray for Target! It not only fits perfectly but it's actually stylish. I can wear it with skirts, slacks and even jeans. I cannot wait to dress up for my interview tomorrow! I'm even more excited about it now that I have the appropriate attire. Boy, I am such a girl - and I like it. :-)
Work is slow again today. I have some filing to do but that's it. My ads are done and the weekend is looking pretty good. I should have all my ads in by Noon tomorrow. I like it when that happens because I'm not leaving any work for the other coordinators. They don't have to finish my job so that makes me feel a lot better. But I do get to go home after I go to the Y instead of spending more time out and about (since I already have what I need: my jacket!). I'm really, really tired still so I'll have some time to relax tonight and get some good rest. :-)
Oh, and though I was a bad girl and missed all three of my deadlines for writing contests on Monday - I found three that are better. One is this weekend. All I have to do is format my first chapter and send it off; that's it. And the poem I was supposed to send in Monday will work better for this other contest (August 10). So, I feel much better about missing the other contests. Now - as long as I can find that chapter, I'll be smooth sailing - at least, for now. :-)
Post 145: Interview with a Webpire
I am getting so, so excited about this interview thing. I have one tomorrow and another one sometime next week (just found out this morning). It's exciting that I'm finally getting interviews; but it's also making me a little nervous.
Here's the thing: both interviews are for positions that require website management. I don't have much experience at all. I can keep up with this blog and have figured most of it out myself but as in formal training, I have none - minus the one class I had to take at IU for my undergraduate program. I'm just a little nervous that here are two jobs that I'm qualified for in every way but one and that one way may mean me not getting the job.
On the other hand, my resume states everything that I am qualified in and they still want to interview me. So there could be something there that they see that is attractive to them enough to still want to bring me in. I just have to be prepared, be honest and let my best qualities shine. Whether or not either job is the right one for me, I need to see it as a positive opportunity in my journey to the right job for me right now.
Whew! I feel a little better now that I have gotten this off my chest. My stomach was starting to tie into knots because of the whole uncertainty that these interviews bring. I also e-mailed some friends to pray for me about it. I want to be prepared for either second interviews or for that rejection letter. :-)
Here's the thing: both interviews are for positions that require website management. I don't have much experience at all. I can keep up with this blog and have figured most of it out myself but as in formal training, I have none - minus the one class I had to take at IU for my undergraduate program. I'm just a little nervous that here are two jobs that I'm qualified for in every way but one and that one way may mean me not getting the job.
On the other hand, my resume states everything that I am qualified in and they still want to interview me. So there could be something there that they see that is attractive to them enough to still want to bring me in. I just have to be prepared, be honest and let my best qualities shine. Whether or not either job is the right one for me, I need to see it as a positive opportunity in my journey to the right job for me right now.
Whew! I feel a little better now that I have gotten this off my chest. My stomach was starting to tie into knots because of the whole uncertainty that these interviews bring. I also e-mailed some friends to pray for me about it. I want to be prepared for either second interviews or for that rejection letter. :-)
8.02.2006
Post 144: A Better Outlook
So, leave it up to beautiful weather to change a persons viewpoint in life. I had a craving - yes, it was Arby's but I hope I didn't have one of those hat things on my head. That would've been embarrassing.
Anyway, I decided that I had to feed that craving so I went to Arby's for lunch. I was going to eat there but it was too crowded so I got my meal to go. Upon my meal being handed to me, I had the wonderful idea to go to the park. I realized that it wasn't so hot outside as it has been; in fact, there was a nice breeze. This was the perfect day to eat lunch outside. So I headed to the closest park and there I ate my lunch (all of it) and read the latest issue of Homes & Lifestyles magazine. All of a sudden, I felt like a totally different person. While I enjoyed the lovely outdoors, I mused that I probably needed to rant and rave a bit about my current situation. And though I have a better, healthier outlook on my future romantic endeavors, I still would like this little crush to go away - or be put to good use. But attempts on my own to squelch it (even with the help of friends) have not been successful. God HAS TO step in to stop it; and if He doesn't soon then I know there is a reason for it. Moving on...
I also seem to be super tired. The last week and a half has really taken a lot out of me - more so than I originally thought. After successfully leading my small group last night (it couldn't have turned out better), I felt pretty winded as I got ready for bed. I was so wound up that it was so hard to release and yet I couldn't stop releasing. Then a friend called and that actually helped me to relax and get out of "me" for a bit. But today I am still tired and actually thinking about passing my daily workout. However, after pasta for lunch and salami for dinner yesterday and Arby's for lunch today, I really, really need the exercise. Maybe the workout will refresh me enough to shop later. Yeah - don't laugh. I know that usually I don't need a reason or energy to go shopping but today I do. In fact, I don't want to go shopping. I want to go home and sleep (and write a poem). But I need to workout and I need to find a suit jacket for my interview Friday. So, well, I guess I need to stock up on the caffeine. :-)
Y'all know that I'm a movie person. Well, I've known that there is going to be a sequel to Batman Begins but I just found out who the villain is going to be played by. I'm not necessarily a huge fan of Heath's but I think he will be more than adequate in the role of the Joker. Really, I think it's good casting as the nemesis of Christian Bale's character. I really can't wait for the new movie but it won't be out until at least 2008 so I'll just have to.
Today is getting better. Of course, work is almost over so that always helps. But I have a better outlook and I needed it. And how cool is it that it only took spending 30 minutes in the outdoors? So nice.
Anyway, I decided that I had to feed that craving so I went to Arby's for lunch. I was going to eat there but it was too crowded so I got my meal to go. Upon my meal being handed to me, I had the wonderful idea to go to the park. I realized that it wasn't so hot outside as it has been; in fact, there was a nice breeze. This was the perfect day to eat lunch outside. So I headed to the closest park and there I ate my lunch (all of it) and read the latest issue of Homes & Lifestyles magazine. All of a sudden, I felt like a totally different person. While I enjoyed the lovely outdoors, I mused that I probably needed to rant and rave a bit about my current situation. And though I have a better, healthier outlook on my future romantic endeavors, I still would like this little crush to go away - or be put to good use. But attempts on my own to squelch it (even with the help of friends) have not been successful. God HAS TO step in to stop it; and if He doesn't soon then I know there is a reason for it. Moving on...
I also seem to be super tired. The last week and a half has really taken a lot out of me - more so than I originally thought. After successfully leading my small group last night (it couldn't have turned out better), I felt pretty winded as I got ready for bed. I was so wound up that it was so hard to release and yet I couldn't stop releasing. Then a friend called and that actually helped me to relax and get out of "me" for a bit. But today I am still tired and actually thinking about passing my daily workout. However, after pasta for lunch and salami for dinner yesterday and Arby's for lunch today, I really, really need the exercise. Maybe the workout will refresh me enough to shop later. Yeah - don't laugh. I know that usually I don't need a reason or energy to go shopping but today I do. In fact, I don't want to go shopping. I want to go home and sleep (and write a poem). But I need to workout and I need to find a suit jacket for my interview Friday. So, well, I guess I need to stock up on the caffeine. :-)
Y'all know that I'm a movie person. Well, I've known that there is going to be a sequel to Batman Begins but I just found out who the villain is going to be played by. I'm not necessarily a huge fan of Heath's but I think he will be more than adequate in the role of the Joker. Really, I think it's good casting as the nemesis of Christian Bale's character. I really can't wait for the new movie but it won't be out until at least 2008 so I'll just have to.
Today is getting better. Of course, work is almost over so that always helps. But I have a better outlook and I needed it. And how cool is it that it only took spending 30 minutes in the outdoors? So nice.
Post 143: All things futuristic
Well, I think I've come up with yet another plan. I have an interview this Friday. I need a job that I can support myself; one that I can use to help me build my future. This interview is with a place in town that would allow me to be and stay a part of this community. I sincerely want that, at least at this point. But I do know that it is entirely possible that I will be moving back to CA sometime in my life (to fulfill my resolution of having a house on the beach, for one) but that it may not necessarily be now. I need time to digest that move anyway. For so long, I wanted to get out of there and now that I have, going back is still not one of my first ten choices - seriously.
Oh, yeah, the plan. Well, once I get a full-time job (and my plan hinges on that fact), I need to take care of my car issues. So, besides paying my parents rent again, I will be getting my air conditioner fixed and my hood and roof repainted. Then, I am planning a vacation for November around Thanksgivingtime. I want to do two things: stay in the new French Lick Resort for a few days and then fly to CA to visit my family for the holidays. This will take a few bucks but I will desperately need some sort of real vacation by then so I will save all my extra money for this. I pretty much have Christmas taken care of (it is going to be cheap and it is going to be homemade - I'm resolving to spend $100 or less on everyone I have to buy for). Then, I will up my payments on my car in order to pay it off quicker. Having no car payments will help me tremendously in either selling my car or trading it in when I have an opportunity to buy a new one. My cc debt is on it's way to being less perplexing so, once my car is paid off I can use that money to add to my debt monthly payment and get it paid off even sooner. I know all this is a little aggressive but I have to make a plan otherwise I'll keep going the way I'm going. I'm 30 years old and God hasn't necessarily given me any sort of hope for anything in life that I desire: career, family - not even a person to date/boyfriend. So I have to do now what I want to do.
And this is what I want: a new car (because it has a warranty), my own condo/small house, a dog (preferrable a black lab or golden retriever) and the ability to go on vacation twice a year by the time I'm 37. That gives me 6 1/2 years to take care of my debt and find a job that is secure - like with the university in town or the like. I'd like a house by the time I'm 40.
It would be great if those plans included a husband and kids but let's face it, there is no sign - not even a small one - of that happening. I may end up like one of my guy friends who is content to be a batchelor - only I'd be a batchlorette but not necessarily as content as he. I wish I could be okay with it at this point but I'm not. However, being able to live on my own will help matters tremendously. I just may never experience what it's like to be loved for who you are except by God. I mean, I can't get anyone to even date me that isn't totally repulsive. And my pattern of being attracted to men that aren't available or interested seems to be pretty much set in stone. They want to be my friends but nothing else. Well, I guess that's something. I do love sports and though I have some girlfriends that like them, it's not to the extent that I do. I can talk more comfortably in this area with men than women so I guess it's nice to know that I have some guys to talk to. But it is just going to take a little while longer to accept the fact that there will never be a guy interested in more.
I try so hard everyday to not care about this issue. But it's so hard because, everyday, I hear the "you should be beating them off with a stick," "but you're attractive and fun," "but you have a good heart and are a great cook," yada, yada, yada. If I am all of those things then why isn't there someone out there that is mutually interested? Is my guy so screwed up that he doesn't see me? Or am I doomed to a life of having the wrong men attracted to me? 'Cause, seriously, I've had it! I have had at least three men this year attracted to me that aren't even close to being acceptable to date - and it's not because I'm looking for the perfect body, perfect spiritual background and perfection in the least. But I'm a small woman who takes care of herself and is constantly working on her inside. I don't want a man who wants to push me around with either his weight or his personality; who is arrogant and overly outspoken. I don't want a man that wants me to support him or isn't willing to meet me halfway. And I definitely don't want a man that drinks a lot and smokes and call himself a Christian but doesn't even try to live that way. Do you see the offers that I get? And I don't want to date a man that wants a good girl but still wants to "have fun." BTW, "have fun" means having a sexual relationship before marraige. Hmmm....so not what I'm looking for in a man. I so just want to SCREAM!
Do you see why I feel that there is no hope for me? 30 years...30 years...30 years...of this. And God still won't take the desire to have a family or even a healthy dating life away from my heart. Why? Can't I just be content like my friend? It would make it so much easier. And if I'm supposed to suffer through these feelings then can't I be content now and not be attracted to this person anymore - a person that is so not attracted back to me? If I can just get rid of that little issue, I'd be doing just dandy right now - even with this job uncertainty.
Please, can this just be over!
Oh, yeah, the plan. Well, once I get a full-time job (and my plan hinges on that fact), I need to take care of my car issues. So, besides paying my parents rent again, I will be getting my air conditioner fixed and my hood and roof repainted. Then, I am planning a vacation for November around Thanksgivingtime. I want to do two things: stay in the new French Lick Resort for a few days and then fly to CA to visit my family for the holidays. This will take a few bucks but I will desperately need some sort of real vacation by then so I will save all my extra money for this. I pretty much have Christmas taken care of (it is going to be cheap and it is going to be homemade - I'm resolving to spend $100 or less on everyone I have to buy for). Then, I will up my payments on my car in order to pay it off quicker. Having no car payments will help me tremendously in either selling my car or trading it in when I have an opportunity to buy a new one. My cc debt is on it's way to being less perplexing so, once my car is paid off I can use that money to add to my debt monthly payment and get it paid off even sooner. I know all this is a little aggressive but I have to make a plan otherwise I'll keep going the way I'm going. I'm 30 years old and God hasn't necessarily given me any sort of hope for anything in life that I desire: career, family - not even a person to date/boyfriend. So I have to do now what I want to do.
And this is what I want: a new car (because it has a warranty), my own condo/small house, a dog (preferrable a black lab or golden retriever) and the ability to go on vacation twice a year by the time I'm 37. That gives me 6 1/2 years to take care of my debt and find a job that is secure - like with the university in town or the like. I'd like a house by the time I'm 40.
It would be great if those plans included a husband and kids but let's face it, there is no sign - not even a small one - of that happening. I may end up like one of my guy friends who is content to be a batchelor - only I'd be a batchlorette but not necessarily as content as he. I wish I could be okay with it at this point but I'm not. However, being able to live on my own will help matters tremendously. I just may never experience what it's like to be loved for who you are except by God. I mean, I can't get anyone to even date me that isn't totally repulsive. And my pattern of being attracted to men that aren't available or interested seems to be pretty much set in stone. They want to be my friends but nothing else. Well, I guess that's something. I do love sports and though I have some girlfriends that like them, it's not to the extent that I do. I can talk more comfortably in this area with men than women so I guess it's nice to know that I have some guys to talk to. But it is just going to take a little while longer to accept the fact that there will never be a guy interested in more.
I try so hard everyday to not care about this issue. But it's so hard because, everyday, I hear the "you should be beating them off with a stick," "but you're attractive and fun," "but you have a good heart and are a great cook," yada, yada, yada. If I am all of those things then why isn't there someone out there that is mutually interested? Is my guy so screwed up that he doesn't see me? Or am I doomed to a life of having the wrong men attracted to me? 'Cause, seriously, I've had it! I have had at least three men this year attracted to me that aren't even close to being acceptable to date - and it's not because I'm looking for the perfect body, perfect spiritual background and perfection in the least. But I'm a small woman who takes care of herself and is constantly working on her inside. I don't want a man who wants to push me around with either his weight or his personality; who is arrogant and overly outspoken. I don't want a man that wants me to support him or isn't willing to meet me halfway. And I definitely don't want a man that drinks a lot and smokes and call himself a Christian but doesn't even try to live that way. Do you see the offers that I get? And I don't want to date a man that wants a good girl but still wants to "have fun." BTW, "have fun" means having a sexual relationship before marraige. Hmmm....so not what I'm looking for in a man. I so just want to SCREAM!
Do you see why I feel that there is no hope for me? 30 years...30 years...30 years...of this. And God still won't take the desire to have a family or even a healthy dating life away from my heart. Why? Can't I just be content like my friend? It would make it so much easier. And if I'm supposed to suffer through these feelings then can't I be content now and not be attracted to this person anymore - a person that is so not attracted back to me? If I can just get rid of that little issue, I'd be doing just dandy right now - even with this job uncertainty.
Please, can this just be over!
8.01.2006
Post 142: Past Reminders
How come when we are struggling with making future decisions that we are reminded of our past decisions? Today is a good day: I have my first interview scheduled for Friday. But in the door of my present job walks one of my students from the studio. I taught her some things as a female dancer - body movement, arm extensions, hand placements, etc. She's a dear older Asian lady that I miss from the "old days." But the point of saying all this is that I still wonder if dancing is completely out of my life for good or if it's somehow going to creep back in. I've danced in my apartment a few nights this past week and actually have a lyrical routine almost finished for one of the songs I'm playing at Bible study tonight. I'm not performing it (it's not ready yet) but a lot of it just came to me (and I have no lyrical training; just ballroom). I'm trying not to think about it but I have been reminded of my past "career" a lot lately. It could be that Satan is trying to hold me back from my future by trying to keep me in the past. But I know that I just need to acknowledge it's there and let life happen. I can't start concerning myself with this issue again when it could all be just coincidence. I love dancing and I miss it but I don't miss the hours at all. I like being home in the evening. I like cooking dinner and working out and having time to myself; and I love that friends can stop by at any time and know that I'll be home. Sometimes they drop by at times that I'm having dinner and they join me. I think that's great - especially since I don't have a boyfriend to cook for or a family. So I'm content with the hours I have; I just need to make more money. I'll hate leaving here when I get a better job because of the people I get to work with are so great. However, I know I'll be more financially stable - and that's my number 1 priority right now.
I have been very blessed to work places that have other believers. I hope that God will continue to bless me in this way. Sometimes, though, He needs us to be in places that we have to stand out instead of blend in; that could be where my next job takes me. I know that He'll be with me though - and I have great friends to support me when I have troubles.
Anyway, wish me luck in my interview. I'll learn more about the job and find out if I would be a good fit. I just want to interview well. I'd love the job but it's one that a lot of people applied to so I have to be realistic that I may not be the best candidate. Still, I want to make a good impression and show them the best of me. I get a little nervous sometimes, though, so I need all the prayer I can get. :-)
I have been very blessed to work places that have other believers. I hope that God will continue to bless me in this way. Sometimes, though, He needs us to be in places that we have to stand out instead of blend in; that could be where my next job takes me. I know that He'll be with me though - and I have great friends to support me when I have troubles.
Anyway, wish me luck in my interview. I'll learn more about the job and find out if I would be a good fit. I just want to interview well. I'd love the job but it's one that a lot of people applied to so I have to be realistic that I may not be the best candidate. Still, I want to make a good impression and show them the best of me. I get a little nervous sometimes, though, so I need all the prayer I can get. :-)
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