Well, I think I've come up with yet another plan. I have an interview this Friday. I need a job that I can support myself; one that I can use to help me build my future. This interview is with a place in town that would allow me to be and stay a part of this community. I sincerely want that, at least at this point. But I do know that it is entirely possible that I will be moving back to CA sometime in my life (to fulfill my resolution of having a house on the beach, for one) but that it may not necessarily be now. I need time to digest that move anyway. For so long, I wanted to get out of there and now that I have, going back is still not one of my first ten choices - seriously.
Oh, yeah, the plan. Well, once I get a full-time job (and my plan hinges on that fact), I need to take care of my car issues. So, besides paying my parents rent again, I will be getting my air conditioner fixed and my hood and roof repainted. Then, I am planning a vacation for November around Thanksgivingtime. I want to do two things: stay in the new French Lick Resort for a few days and then fly to CA to visit my family for the holidays. This will take a few bucks but I will desperately need some sort of real vacation by then so I will save all my extra money for this. I pretty much have Christmas taken care of (it is going to be cheap and it is going to be homemade - I'm resolving to spend $100 or less on everyone I have to buy for). Then, I will up my payments on my car in order to pay it off quicker. Having no car payments will help me tremendously in either selling my car or trading it in when I have an opportunity to buy a new one. My cc debt is on it's way to being less perplexing so, once my car is paid off I can use that money to add to my debt monthly payment and get it paid off even sooner. I know all this is a little aggressive but I have to make a plan otherwise I'll keep going the way I'm going. I'm 30 years old and God hasn't necessarily given me any sort of hope for anything in life that I desire: career, family - not even a person to date/boyfriend. So I have to do now what I want to do.
And this is what I want: a new car (because it has a warranty), my own condo/small house, a dog (preferrable a black lab or golden retriever) and the ability to go on vacation twice a year by the time I'm 37. That gives me 6 1/2 years to take care of my debt and find a job that is secure - like with the university in town or the like. I'd like a house by the time I'm 40.
It would be great if those plans included a husband and kids but let's face it, there is no sign - not even a small one - of that happening. I may end up like one of my guy friends who is content to be a batchelor - only I'd be a batchlorette but not necessarily as content as he. I wish I could be okay with it at this point but I'm not. However, being able to live on my own will help matters tremendously. I just may never experience what it's like to be loved for who you are except by God. I mean, I can't get anyone to even date me that isn't totally repulsive. And my pattern of being attracted to men that aren't available or interested seems to be pretty much set in stone. They want to be my friends but nothing else. Well, I guess that's something. I do love sports and though I have some girlfriends that like them, it's not to the extent that I do. I can talk more comfortably in this area with men than women so I guess it's nice to know that I have some guys to talk to. But it is just going to take a little while longer to accept the fact that there will never be a guy interested in more.
I try so hard everyday to not care about this issue. But it's so hard because, everyday, I hear the "you should be beating them off with a stick," "but you're attractive and fun," "but you have a good heart and are a great cook," yada, yada, yada. If I am all of those things then why isn't there someone out there that is mutually interested? Is my guy so screwed up that he doesn't see me? Or am I doomed to a life of having the wrong men attracted to me? 'Cause, seriously, I've had it! I have had at least three men this year attracted to me that aren't even close to being acceptable to date - and it's not because I'm looking for the perfect body, perfect spiritual background and perfection in the least. But I'm a small woman who takes care of herself and is constantly working on her inside. I don't want a man who wants to push me around with either his weight or his personality; who is arrogant and overly outspoken. I don't want a man that wants me to support him or isn't willing to meet me halfway. And I definitely don't want a man that drinks a lot and smokes and call himself a Christian but doesn't even try to live that way. Do you see the offers that I get? And I don't want to date a man that wants a good girl but still wants to "have fun." BTW, "have fun" means having a sexual relationship before marraige. Hmmm....so not what I'm looking for in a man. I so just want to SCREAM!
Do you see why I feel that there is no hope for me? 30 years...30 years...30 years...of this. And God still won't take the desire to have a family or even a healthy dating life away from my heart. Why? Can't I just be content like my friend? It would make it so much easier. And if I'm supposed to suffer through these feelings then can't I be content now and not be attracted to this person anymore - a person that is so not attracted back to me? If I can just get rid of that little issue, I'd be doing just dandy right now - even with this job uncertainty.
Please, can this just be over!
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